Just an Expression: The First
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: CO
Posts: 72
Just an Expression: The First
Until now I have never expressed any of this to anyone besides my parents and younger brother. It's already 1:45 am, but I don't care. Whatever I write will be lengthy, so I'm splitting this up into two sections. For those of you that want to read everything, great, but I'm assuming most will want to skim over my "background," and that is more than fine with me.
***Background***
My parents both drink excessively. My father is more responsible but still drinks drinks every weekend. It's lucky if my mother skips one night a week. I despise the person she becomes when she drinks, but neither of my parents have ever been in any way physically abusive or even verbally towards my brother and me, that's the one perk I suppose. My mother comes from a screwed up alcoholic family, so I suppose that's where she gets it, whereas my dad comes from a great family, and I almost think he started drinking for fun and because she does so much. The first time I knew something was different, wrong, was when I was 10 years old. It was the night before we were to see my mother's relatives, so she decided to get completely wasted (my dad thankfully wasn't drinking that night). I woke up at 2 am to find her half-naked in the bath tub, rubbing a bar of soap (no water) over her body. I vividly remember every moment. I ran to my dad and he took care of her.
On New Years Eve when mom was drunk, she told me that she was no longer in love with my dad and wanted to leave him. I was 12. I acted as her outlet for years, and I just took it; I was too young to know any better. Thankfully, my brother was left out of most of this. Beginning when I was around 14, I would complain, cry, scream, anything I could, to try to get them to stop drinking. I tried many times speaking to them sober as well, but of course, nothing ever worked. My mom constantly made promises she could never keep about quitting, promises she still makes...
Two years ago (when I was 16), mom moved out of the house for a month. Obviously my brother became involved then, and I took my dad's side. I then became his clutch, and unlike with my mom, who was always angry when talking to me, he was simply sad. It hurts me to remember the many tearful nights, when I rarely cried myself and forced myself to be positive for him. They've been living together ever since that one month, but probably will get divorced when my brother graduates in two years.
Highschool was not a difficult time for me. I was nearly a straight A student, still am in college. I had several core groups of friends, some that came and went, and a lot that I am still in contact with. I live, lived, in a very small town, and although I did feel close to a few of my friends, I never told them anything about my family problems. Rumors spread like crazy, and honestly, I didn't want to embarrass myself and my family by coming out and saying "my parents are drunks and probably will get divorced!"
My parents are totally different in the day time. They both are dedicated to their work, they support my brother and me well, they attended all of my performances, all my teacher conferences, etc., they bought me a car, they're helping me through school now. They're even driving four hours to see me in an opera next weekend.
So.. the trigger for all of this... I had to come home from college this weekend to sort things out and find a couple of summer jobs. I didn't get home until 10 pm, and my mom was already trashed when I walked in the door. I was a complete bitch to her throughout the night, I just can't control my anger when I see her like that, when I can't even understand her because she slurs her words so much.
***Current Problems***
My brother is now 16 and I worry about him. He has never seemed to have a hard time with our parents. I think this is part of the reason I feel like I exaggerate how I feel. But I am worried about him. I've had deep conversations with him, and he honestly doesn't seem to be hiding any emotions about our parents from me, he doesn't exactly blow the subject off either, I think he honestly doesn't realize that it could affect him. I love the person he's turning into, he has core values, he's grounded, he's very mature, except, he's excessively shy and seems to be so cut off from everyone. He truly is numb to everything.
For a long time, I've thought that I was exaggearting my situation and problems, and hey, who knows, I may be right now. While I always knew things were not how they were supposed to be (I have lots of other "normal" family members I'm close to, and have seen their very different behavior), I couldn't help but know that people had it worse off. I was friendly with some people living in poverty, I knew a couple of people with abusive parents, with drug abusive parents too. When I would think of this, I would (and still do) feel guilty, like, "how do I have the right to feel so badly when so many people have it so much worse?"
I have anxiety and obsessive issues. I used to think this was due to performing (vocal/piano major), and it is in part, but I know it's more now. I become obsessed with not being good enough, not accomplishing enough, in taking too many breaks and then feeling guilty about it. I even feel guilty about wasting time on this site, so I won't be sleeping much tonight to make up for lost time. I read a list somewhere on this forum about signs of ACoA's, and I can relate to every sign. These are the ones that particularily hit home, and in very emotional ways:
-judge themselves without mercy.
-have difficulty having fun.
-take themselves very seriously.
-have difficulty with intimate relationships.
-overreact to changes over which they have no control.
-constantly seek approval and affirmation.
-usually feel that they are different from other people.
-are super responsible
I have always felt that my parent's were responsible for my mood and how I felt when I was at home, but honestly, until tonight I never thought that any of those above factors could have been caused by my home life. Maybe this is a bit pathetic, but I feel like this is a revelation for me, and it honestly helps. As if... there really is nothing that wrong and different with me. A small burden has been raised.
***Background***
My parents both drink excessively. My father is more responsible but still drinks drinks every weekend. It's lucky if my mother skips one night a week. I despise the person she becomes when she drinks, but neither of my parents have ever been in any way physically abusive or even verbally towards my brother and me, that's the one perk I suppose. My mother comes from a screwed up alcoholic family, so I suppose that's where she gets it, whereas my dad comes from a great family, and I almost think he started drinking for fun and because she does so much. The first time I knew something was different, wrong, was when I was 10 years old. It was the night before we were to see my mother's relatives, so she decided to get completely wasted (my dad thankfully wasn't drinking that night). I woke up at 2 am to find her half-naked in the bath tub, rubbing a bar of soap (no water) over her body. I vividly remember every moment. I ran to my dad and he took care of her.
On New Years Eve when mom was drunk, she told me that she was no longer in love with my dad and wanted to leave him. I was 12. I acted as her outlet for years, and I just took it; I was too young to know any better. Thankfully, my brother was left out of most of this. Beginning when I was around 14, I would complain, cry, scream, anything I could, to try to get them to stop drinking. I tried many times speaking to them sober as well, but of course, nothing ever worked. My mom constantly made promises she could never keep about quitting, promises she still makes...
Two years ago (when I was 16), mom moved out of the house for a month. Obviously my brother became involved then, and I took my dad's side. I then became his clutch, and unlike with my mom, who was always angry when talking to me, he was simply sad. It hurts me to remember the many tearful nights, when I rarely cried myself and forced myself to be positive for him. They've been living together ever since that one month, but probably will get divorced when my brother graduates in two years.
Highschool was not a difficult time for me. I was nearly a straight A student, still am in college. I had several core groups of friends, some that came and went, and a lot that I am still in contact with. I live, lived, in a very small town, and although I did feel close to a few of my friends, I never told them anything about my family problems. Rumors spread like crazy, and honestly, I didn't want to embarrass myself and my family by coming out and saying "my parents are drunks and probably will get divorced!"
My parents are totally different in the day time. They both are dedicated to their work, they support my brother and me well, they attended all of my performances, all my teacher conferences, etc., they bought me a car, they're helping me through school now. They're even driving four hours to see me in an opera next weekend.
So.. the trigger for all of this... I had to come home from college this weekend to sort things out and find a couple of summer jobs. I didn't get home until 10 pm, and my mom was already trashed when I walked in the door. I was a complete bitch to her throughout the night, I just can't control my anger when I see her like that, when I can't even understand her because she slurs her words so much.
***Current Problems***
My brother is now 16 and I worry about him. He has never seemed to have a hard time with our parents. I think this is part of the reason I feel like I exaggerate how I feel. But I am worried about him. I've had deep conversations with him, and he honestly doesn't seem to be hiding any emotions about our parents from me, he doesn't exactly blow the subject off either, I think he honestly doesn't realize that it could affect him. I love the person he's turning into, he has core values, he's grounded, he's very mature, except, he's excessively shy and seems to be so cut off from everyone. He truly is numb to everything.
For a long time, I've thought that I was exaggearting my situation and problems, and hey, who knows, I may be right now. While I always knew things were not how they were supposed to be (I have lots of other "normal" family members I'm close to, and have seen their very different behavior), I couldn't help but know that people had it worse off. I was friendly with some people living in poverty, I knew a couple of people with abusive parents, with drug abusive parents too. When I would think of this, I would (and still do) feel guilty, like, "how do I have the right to feel so badly when so many people have it so much worse?"
I have anxiety and obsessive issues. I used to think this was due to performing (vocal/piano major), and it is in part, but I know it's more now. I become obsessed with not being good enough, not accomplishing enough, in taking too many breaks and then feeling guilty about it. I even feel guilty about wasting time on this site, so I won't be sleeping much tonight to make up for lost time. I read a list somewhere on this forum about signs of ACoA's, and I can relate to every sign. These are the ones that particularily hit home, and in very emotional ways:
-judge themselves without mercy.
-have difficulty having fun.
-take themselves very seriously.
-have difficulty with intimate relationships.
-overreact to changes over which they have no control.
-constantly seek approval and affirmation.
-usually feel that they are different from other people.
-are super responsible
I have always felt that my parent's were responsible for my mood and how I felt when I was at home, but honestly, until tonight I never thought that any of those above factors could have been caused by my home life. Maybe this is a bit pathetic, but I feel like this is a revelation for me, and it honestly helps. As if... there really is nothing that wrong and different with me. A small burden has been raised.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Welcome, Dolce. This forum has really been a big help to me, and I hope you will stick around. There is a lot of literature out there regarding family members of alcoholics and how they truly are affected by living so closely in such an unhealthy atmosphere. One book I really love is "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie. She has much wisdom on the subject. When you aren't too busy studying for your classes, you might venture into the self-help section of a bookstore and look for her, and at other literature that sparks your interest. Counseling with an experienced therapist who has experience with family members of alcoholics is also a great resource to find out exactly how you have been affected, and how it is affecting your little brother. Al-anon meetings are for family members of alcoholics, and if you aren't too shy, lots of people think that meeting others face to face is extremely valuable and insightful and healing. There are also meetings strictly for adult children of alcoholics (ACOA, I think?)
It is so great that you have found this site, and also that you are focusing on yourself and how you recognize certain traits. Lots of codependent people spend their entire lifetimes focusing on other people, trying to fix them, and this is no way to live. As a codependent person, I have to work hard to remember that my best chance at happiness is to keep the focus on myself, keep boundaries up daily with the A's in my life, and continue reading about the effects on ME. I can't solve THEIR problems, but I can acknowledge how I've been affected and learn from it.
Good luck (break a leg?) in the opera, girl. You sound like a fantastic young woman. Maybe when you get more knowledge under your belt you can share with your brother.
It is so great that you have found this site, and also that you are focusing on yourself and how you recognize certain traits. Lots of codependent people spend their entire lifetimes focusing on other people, trying to fix them, and this is no way to live. As a codependent person, I have to work hard to remember that my best chance at happiness is to keep the focus on myself, keep boundaries up daily with the A's in my life, and continue reading about the effects on ME. I can't solve THEIR problems, but I can acknowledge how I've been affected and learn from it.
Good luck (break a leg?) in the opera, girl. You sound like a fantastic young woman. Maybe when you get more knowledge under your belt you can share with your brother.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
When I would think of this, I would (and still do) feel guilty, like, "how do I have the right to feel so badly when so many people have it so much worse?"
Pain/misery is not an either/or situation. Just because someone else is hurting worse than you are or in a more miserable situation than you are doesn't mean that you don't hurt or don't have the right to hurt. You can acknowledge their problems without minimizing your own.
I become obsessed with not being good enough, not accomplishing enough, in taking too many breaks and then feeling guilty about it.
I, for one, do not believe you are exaggerating your problems at all. I'm medicated for anxiety. I am over 40 and still in therapy. I am also significantly better than I ever was at negotiating my way through the world of invisible triggers.
Since you ask for no advice, I offer none, but I will let you know that it is entirely possible to learn to lead the life YOU want to lead. Several of us on this forum are doing just that. It takes commitment and some work, but it is definitely possible. While I believe I am quite a ways along my path to recovery (I don't believe we are ever fully "recovered", just a little closer every day), I stay here to encourage others like yourself that there is a different kind of life you can lead. I stay here to remind myself of the tools I need to keep at the ready for whatever life throws at me. I stay here to offer what help I can to those who, for whatever reason, like myself, don't find AlAnon to work for them.
I hope you can find a way to start your own recovery process. Realizing that you don't want to be the way you are is the opening of the door. Walking through that door can be frightening or intimidating - but it's much less so when you have other people on the other side of the door inviting you in.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 25
dolce7dolore,
I just want to let you know that what you are going through is perfectly normal for a person in your situation.
Two things I learned in my recovery, which were completely foreign concepts to me, is that it is perfectly okay to focus on myself and my needs and it is perfectly okay to dictate to others how they will treat me. Those concepts, a year and a half ago..... well.... I just didn't believe them, partly because I was raised not to believe them. Only over the past year, with lots of hard work, reading, daily meditations, etc., did I begin to apply them to my life.
And yes, it's perfectly acceptable to come home from college, (where life is great and you have tons of friends and positive experiences), and feel completely miserable because of the state of your parents. You have the right to feel that way. It's your feelings, you own them. Believe me I felt the same way through my years of college, still do every time I return home.
But the thing is, you also have the right to choose not to put yourself in a miserable situation. You have a right to say "I'm unhappy coming home to a drunk mother, so therefore, I'm just not going to put myself in a situation where I'm going to be unhappy." It takes practice, and a lot of nerve, but whenever choose to not put myself into a miserable situation, I feel I'm so powerful over my emotions that I just feel so much better.
Good luck, and I hope all turns out well.
I just want to let you know that what you are going through is perfectly normal for a person in your situation.
Two things I learned in my recovery, which were completely foreign concepts to me, is that it is perfectly okay to focus on myself and my needs and it is perfectly okay to dictate to others how they will treat me. Those concepts, a year and a half ago..... well.... I just didn't believe them, partly because I was raised not to believe them. Only over the past year, with lots of hard work, reading, daily meditations, etc., did I begin to apply them to my life.
And yes, it's perfectly acceptable to come home from college, (where life is great and you have tons of friends and positive experiences), and feel completely miserable because of the state of your parents. You have the right to feel that way. It's your feelings, you own them. Believe me I felt the same way through my years of college, still do every time I return home.
But the thing is, you also have the right to choose not to put yourself in a miserable situation. You have a right to say "I'm unhappy coming home to a drunk mother, so therefore, I'm just not going to put myself in a situation where I'm going to be unhappy." It takes practice, and a lot of nerve, but whenever choose to not put myself into a miserable situation, I feel I'm so powerful over my emotions that I just feel so much better.
Good luck, and I hope all turns out well.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
D7D - I am so happy to hear you are young and figuring this out already! Not to say we are ever too old to learn, but I hear a young life that wants to have it all, who wants "normal" - and you should have "normal". Of course, "normal" is our own concept, but normal guilt, normal responsibility, normal anxiety, you know what you want and you know what you have is out of proportion, more than your fair share. Good for you for recognizing this - at your age I knew I had too much of these things but had not a clue that I had the right to give some of this excess stuff back to the universe and just keep a manageable and sane amount. I envied others who were able to have balance and not be exhausted by everyday life, hold boundaries without acting like a 2 -year old, etc. I'm working on it now, it's been a work in progress for 20 years, and that is partly because it took a long time to realize there were these great resources out there! I never knew. "If I only knew then what I know now". So, you "know now", and I hope you go for it! Happiness, fulfillment, peace, joy, love, laughter, etc.
As was said already, there are many books and resources for codependency. You sound like a busy student, but hopefully there will be some time in there for a little reading on this subject.
Good luck, keep coming back, get some rest, and give yourself a bit of a break now and then - it's good for the soul!
(((hugs)))
As was said already, there are many books and resources for codependency. You sound like a busy student, but hopefully there will be some time in there for a little reading on this subject.
Good luck, keep coming back, get some rest, and give yourself a bit of a break now and then - it's good for the soul!
(((hugs)))
If you are lost, stand still
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: James Island, SC
Posts: 159
Wow, dolce. First, I read your entire post. Lots of people are here, listening.
You and your brother BOTH sound like me. I also have 2 younger brothers, who have some of the same traits in different proportions. 2nd Youngest still lives with parents and is afraid to deal with the world, Youngest lives nearby and has expressed the exact same guilt ("lots of people are worse off than me") you have.
My mom did the same thing with me - she told me she would have divorced our dad years ago if it weren't for us kids. But I wished she would have - the house would have been more peaceful. I could also never be sad or hurt - "I think it's harder on me than it is on you" she would always say, regarding having to deal with our injuries. She must have thought she was the perfect martyr. She was just plain confused if I expressed any strong negative emotion, so I just numbed it all down.
My flight into therapy, and eventually to ACA meetings, was triggered by anger, too. As well as depression (anger turned inward into guilt and shame). I'd struggled with it before, but when family stuff came to a head and I realized I couldn't live for them anymore, it made me want to REALLY work on getting myself right.
Your situation sounds really confusing - that's what addiction does. You have "day parents" and "evening parents." Then there is your brother, who you know must be hurting, but he seems perfectly adjusted (except for the part about being numb). It would be easy to feel crazy, like you're "exaggerating," but I highly doubt that is the case. Again, this is what such a family does to us - WE feel like the crazy ones, until we enter recovery.
It sounds like you are there for your brother. Just keep letting him know that you are, loving him unconditionally. When he is ready to break out of the numbness, he will. And it will be safer for him to do so if he knows someone, even if its not his parents, care for him no matter what.
You and your brother BOTH sound like me. I also have 2 younger brothers, who have some of the same traits in different proportions. 2nd Youngest still lives with parents and is afraid to deal with the world, Youngest lives nearby and has expressed the exact same guilt ("lots of people are worse off than me") you have.
My mom did the same thing with me - she told me she would have divorced our dad years ago if it weren't for us kids. But I wished she would have - the house would have been more peaceful. I could also never be sad or hurt - "I think it's harder on me than it is on you" she would always say, regarding having to deal with our injuries. She must have thought she was the perfect martyr. She was just plain confused if I expressed any strong negative emotion, so I just numbed it all down.
My flight into therapy, and eventually to ACA meetings, was triggered by anger, too. As well as depression (anger turned inward into guilt and shame). I'd struggled with it before, but when family stuff came to a head and I realized I couldn't live for them anymore, it made me want to REALLY work on getting myself right.
Your situation sounds really confusing - that's what addiction does. You have "day parents" and "evening parents." Then there is your brother, who you know must be hurting, but he seems perfectly adjusted (except for the part about being numb). It would be easy to feel crazy, like you're "exaggerating," but I highly doubt that is the case. Again, this is what such a family does to us - WE feel like the crazy ones, until we enter recovery.
It sounds like you are there for your brother. Just keep letting him know that you are, loving him unconditionally. When he is ready to break out of the numbness, he will. And it will be safer for him to do so if he knows someone, even if its not his parents, care for him no matter what.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
I saw this thread in the stickies down in the "Inspirations, Thoughts, Poems and Sayings" board and thought maybe you'd find it as powerful and upbeat as I did. It is called "The Awakening."
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...awakening.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...awakening.html
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Gorgeous, teach. Thanks so much for finding that. I needed it today.
Dolce, good luck with everything. There are a lot of people here who understand what you're going through right now (myself included). It took a long time for me to find the right way to cope with my parents' alcoholism and the effects of it on me. This place has helped tremendously.
Take care of YOU --
Dolce, good luck with everything. There are a lot of people here who understand what you're going through right now (myself included). It took a long time for me to find the right way to cope with my parents' alcoholism and the effects of it on me. This place has helped tremendously.
Take care of YOU --
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 7
My parents were the exact same way, especially my dad. My dad is on social security due to the fact he has multiple sclerosis and my mom "took care of him". They eventually started drinking every day starting at noon and usually between 3-5 they were drunk. I can really relate to the "daytime" & "evening" parents. They argued just for the sake of arguing, and would get physical many times. I never wanted to be home and moved out when I turned 17 and worked two low paying jobs. Thankfully my dad quit drinking and they are now divorced. It's also hard for me to not feel guilty as well about my feelings.
I'm just happy to hear you are doing well off coming from such a background. It's nice to hear you are such a great role model for your siblings! I only wish I could've done the same for mine.
I'm just happy to hear you are doing well off coming from such a background. It's nice to hear you are such a great role model for your siblings! I only wish I could've done the same for mine.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: CO
Posts: 72
I first just want to say thank you to everyone who replied. I really was surprised, in a good way, by the amount of responses. All of the positive remarks and similiar stories do help--a lot. It's nice to know that there are other people out there who feel the same way.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: CO
Posts: 72
So... when I first posted this in the early hours of the morning, I woke up thinking of everything I had written the night before. I happened to come upon a perfect time to talk to my brother (we have talked a lot before) during the day. I started by saying "so... our parents are pretty much alcoholics" and his response was a very obvious and purposely funny "duh." It was a great time to bring this up because he's taking a life and relations class, and I guess the day before they had been discussing alcoholic families. He said that they went over the different roles that kids take. He explained that there were the rebellious types, the heroic types who are usually the oldest (he analyzed this as me because I always tried to put things right, to make everyone more happy), the funny types who try to lighten the situation who are usually the youngest, and the withdrawn. He described himself as being the withdrawn type, withdrawn from people outside out family, although he obviously tries to lighten situations, much like his "duh" response.
I guess I was a bit off about him, because he really was able to talk about his feelings. Although I doubt he's ready to seek help or anything, it's good to know that he's willing to talk about things.
I guess I was a bit off about him, because he really was able to talk about his feelings. Although I doubt he's ready to seek help or anything, it's good to know that he's willing to talk about things.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Isn't timing amazing? I often feel that HP is working behind the scenes to put us right where we need to be at exactly the right moment. And I've seen several examples of how the "younger" ones often have a lesson for the older ones, or that they are way more aware of the alcoholism than we realize. Your brother sounds like a gem. Way to go in opening up the communitcations with him. You are a wonderful big sis.
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