The Epiphany
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Kansas City
Posts: 16
The Epiphany
I have posted a few times in the Friends and Family forum. I have been in a relationship with an alcoholic for about two years. He has his patterns of being distant and dismissive when he feels pressured about his drinking, and then he dumps me. This is the second time in 2 years I have been dumped by my alcoholic... and if the pattern holds true he will try to work it out once he misses me a little...
He is cruel and verbally abusive when he is binge drinking. My mom recently kept asking me why I wanted to be with someone that was so mean to me, why I disrespected myself so much... and the answer erupted from my mouth... "Well mom, your alcoholic (my stepfather) wasn't verbally abusive to you, but he sure was to me."
After my father passed away my mom hooked up with a drunk that called me a piece of ****, worthless, clumsy, stupid, fat... etc etc etc.... because he was not my father I guess I mistakenly felt that it did not have that deep of an impact on me as a teenager. I think at 40 years old I realize how wrong I was. I have never had intimacy in my relationships, and now I am with a drunk that may not call me names, but he treats me like I am worthless, less than, stupid... etc etc etc.
I am anxious and depressed.
Once the connection is made, does it get easier to leave the alcoholic? Part of me feels more detached as a result of this epiphany, but when he calls again I fear I will feel this sick need to be with him. It hurts.
He is cruel and verbally abusive when he is binge drinking. My mom recently kept asking me why I wanted to be with someone that was so mean to me, why I disrespected myself so much... and the answer erupted from my mouth... "Well mom, your alcoholic (my stepfather) wasn't verbally abusive to you, but he sure was to me."
After my father passed away my mom hooked up with a drunk that called me a piece of ****, worthless, clumsy, stupid, fat... etc etc etc.... because he was not my father I guess I mistakenly felt that it did not have that deep of an impact on me as a teenager. I think at 40 years old I realize how wrong I was. I have never had intimacy in my relationships, and now I am with a drunk that may not call me names, but he treats me like I am worthless, less than, stupid... etc etc etc.
I am anxious and depressed.
Once the connection is made, does it get easier to leave the alcoholic? Part of me feels more detached as a result of this epiphany, but when he calls again I fear I will feel this sick need to be with him. It hurts.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
((((Oceania))))
It's amazing the influence the parental and extended family figures in our life had on us as children. Good for you for making the connection. It is the first step to helping yourself build a better life for yourself and not accepting what you are currently experiencing. You do deserve more. You deserve to be happy. You deserve everything! Have you read the stickies at the start of this forum? Look around the other forums too and the stickies there. You will begin to see the resources and support that are available to you.
Also - have you looked into an ACOA meeting or Alanon or something like that in your area.
My step-sister has not had your epiphany, and I am frightened for where she is in her life right now (she's mid-40's with a 16 year old daughter). For whatever reason she has not sought out help, I don't think it has even occurred to her for whatever reason. I am so happy you are reaching out! There are so many resources to help you regain, or gain, the life you want - keep your eyes and ears open and put this first, it's a first step. You need to be your priority now!
There will be others along with experience and wisdom and a real understanding of your particular situation. For me, I was raised in a dysfunctional house with a mentally disturbed mother - so not the same as having an addict parental figure, but it got me here and it got me married to an addict. It's not easy to untangle our head, but we absolutely can and this is a great place! Welcome
It's amazing the influence the parental and extended family figures in our life had on us as children. Good for you for making the connection. It is the first step to helping yourself build a better life for yourself and not accepting what you are currently experiencing. You do deserve more. You deserve to be happy. You deserve everything! Have you read the stickies at the start of this forum? Look around the other forums too and the stickies there. You will begin to see the resources and support that are available to you.
Also - have you looked into an ACOA meeting or Alanon or something like that in your area.
My step-sister has not had your epiphany, and I am frightened for where she is in her life right now (she's mid-40's with a 16 year old daughter). For whatever reason she has not sought out help, I don't think it has even occurred to her for whatever reason. I am so happy you are reaching out! There are so many resources to help you regain, or gain, the life you want - keep your eyes and ears open and put this first, it's a first step. You need to be your priority now!
There will be others along with experience and wisdom and a real understanding of your particular situation. For me, I was raised in a dysfunctional house with a mentally disturbed mother - so not the same as having an addict parental figure, but it got me here and it got me married to an addict. It's not easy to untangle our head, but we absolutely can and this is a great place! Welcome
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
I believe that one day we just wake up and realize how tired of it all we are.
It gets old living with someone who berates you and displays horrible behavior.
For me, I wanted some peace and tranquility in my life.
It wears you out having to deal with constant chaos.
You will leave when you're ready and not a moment sooner.
It gets old living with someone who berates you and displays horrible behavior.
For me, I wanted some peace and tranquility in my life.
It wears you out having to deal with constant chaos.
You will leave when you're ready and not a moment sooner.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
I hear ya. (((Oceania))))) I know it hurts. Being aware is at least half the battle! You are aware now listen to what is going on inside your head. Shoot down the thoughts that tell you things that you know aren't true. Yea doll just shoot them down no more believing lies.
Think about this one: How many years were you living before this man came into your life? That is how many years of experience you have of being without him...
Think about this one: How many years were you living before this man came into your life? That is how many years of experience you have of being without him...
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Heya Oceania
((((Hugs))))
I can relate so much to the pain of your epiphany. It is a breakthrough for you to have made this connection!! I know it hurts so bad but this storm will pass and you will see things differently from now on.
I had a therapist say a simple but great thing to me once when I first began to unravel all my messy emotions surrounding my A father.
He said, "OK. It's not enough to know what you DON'T want.....what do you WANT?"
I could name all the negative patterns I was engaged in. I could complain and feel bad for myself and my siblings...and I needed to do that at first to get to the roots of the yucky stuff.
But at some point I had to own my current behavior, and start choosing what did I want to DO differently? My therapist suggested finding role models. He said they could be people you know, or friends, or they could even be people you've never met whose style or grace or life story impresses you. Study those good positive people. Imitate them! Instead of unconsciously imitating and repeating the bad stuff start consciously creating new paradigms in your mind and seek new experiences and role models....slowly, slowly, it is a way to change your life...
It does help depression and anxiety to take action - even some small action like starting a list of positive things you want to bring into your life...
I hope this storm passes soon and you find a little sunshine for yourself today.
Remember: the past is gone. You are free in this moment.
Peace,
B.
((((Hugs))))
I can relate so much to the pain of your epiphany. It is a breakthrough for you to have made this connection!! I know it hurts so bad but this storm will pass and you will see things differently from now on.
I had a therapist say a simple but great thing to me once when I first began to unravel all my messy emotions surrounding my A father.
He said, "OK. It's not enough to know what you DON'T want.....what do you WANT?"
I could name all the negative patterns I was engaged in. I could complain and feel bad for myself and my siblings...and I needed to do that at first to get to the roots of the yucky stuff.
But at some point I had to own my current behavior, and start choosing what did I want to DO differently? My therapist suggested finding role models. He said they could be people you know, or friends, or they could even be people you've never met whose style or grace or life story impresses you. Study those good positive people. Imitate them! Instead of unconsciously imitating and repeating the bad stuff start consciously creating new paradigms in your mind and seek new experiences and role models....slowly, slowly, it is a way to change your life...
It does help depression and anxiety to take action - even some small action like starting a list of positive things you want to bring into your life...
I hope this storm passes soon and you find a little sunshine for yourself today.
Remember: the past is gone. You are free in this moment.
Peace,
B.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Originally Posted by Bernadette 
But at some point I had to own my current behavior, and start choosing what did I want to DO differently? My therapist suggested finding role models. He said they could be people you know, or friends, or they could even be people you've never met whose style or grace or life story impresses you. Study those good positive people. Imitate them! Instead of unconsciously imitating and repeating the bad stuff start consciously creating new paradigms in your mind and seek new experiences and role models....slowly, slowly, it is a way to change your life...
This, more than anything, was the thing that changed my life forever. Taking an active role in choosing what kind of person I wanted to be -- that was a powerful path to step out on. And you just take baby steps at first. Something as simple as stopping long enough to think, "Do I WANT to be the kind of person who freaks out at small, insignificant setbacks like this? Or would I respect myself more if I handled this with calm and strength?" and making a choice about how to react, that gave me an enormous sense of power over my life's direction.
Eventually, after practicing a lot of small stuff and developing role models like Bernadette mentions, I realized that I really didn't want to be with a binge drinker any more -- that there was almost certainly someone out there who would love me WITHOUT all that baggage, and that I'd never meet them as long as I cowered in fear in my bad relationship, fearing being alone or more worried about their needs than about my own. I "wanted to be" the kind of person who could make difficult and scary choices for herself, if they were choices that would give me greater freedom and joy and serenity.
Good luck, and hugs, oceania. This is a great revelation for you to reach, even though it hurts.
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