nandm

Not a good day today. Yesterday was not either but today is worse. Had so much anxiety yesterday I wanted to run out of the AA meeting I went to. Too many people, too many people I did not know. Couldn't breath, too hot, too crowded, touchy feely people........... I even took a Klonopin before I left for the meeting. Such a catch 22 if I don't go the AA meetings then I wind up drunk and then my life is really screwed but the anxiety is so bad right now even leaving my house is almost impossible. Woke up this morning with the first thought being go buy a gun. Hadn't had those thoughts in a while. World feels like it's closing in. I am supposed to go to my calculus class tonight, I was supposed to go on Tuesday, drove all the way there and had to turn around in the parking lot and come home the anxiety was so bad. I have taken a klonipin about an hour ago but it isn't helping as far as I can see. I have put on some relaxing music, maybe that will help. I hate feeling insane. Sometimes I question if all this is worth it, today is one of those days. Why do I continue to put myself through this? I am so tired.

warrens

Wow NANDM

I've only bee here 3 weeks, but you seem like a recovery "goddess" to me. So, it comes as a surprise to read the above. Should I be surprised, though? It's a reminder that, the struggle and the ruts in the road are endless.

Is this social anxiety recent? Nurses and paramedics are pretty aggressive, they're not solitary lines of work.

Is this an AA issue (revovery related)? Or is it best addressed via therapy or something Else?

I do not want answers to the above questions. I only responded to your post because I was perusing the "new posts." I'll probably not revisit "mental health" anytime soon.

By the way, I were taking calculus at my age, I would be beyond anxious!!

I doubt that I've been of any help. But I sure do care.

Peace,

warrens

nandm

Thanks Warren. It is just PTSD crud. I know it will pass but it sucks to be here right now.

Mattcake

I hope you feel better soon nandm. PTSD really sucks. But drinking makes it much much worse, you know that. Maybe the Klonopin isn't working for you?

Be strong,

Matt

nandm

Thanks Matt. Yes, drinking is not an option. It would only make the insanity worse. The klonopin is actually doing what it is supposed to do. I just waited to long to take it. It is like climbing a hill now to get the med caught up to the anxiety level. Similar to waiting until pain is excruiating before taking a pain med. the med works much better if taken before the problem gets out of hand. I am just hardheaded and try to only take the klonopin when absolutely necessary. I should have started it yesterday morning when I first noticed the anxiety levels increasing but waited until the evening before I was to go to my AA meeting. So now it is just a matter of playing catch up with the anxiety. It is just frustrating to be going through it.

grateful2b

oh Nandm, gentle hugs........I have it as well and so know what this means....I will be thinking of you and sending prayers and seeing you relaxed and peaceful....

TiredMama

historyteach

(((Judith)))

I just saw this...I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this.
Boy do I relate with waiting too long to take the meds. I do that with the xanax too! And you're right; it does take too long then to "catch up."

Deep breathing helps me, but, I do understand about not going anywhere. I say close to home when I'm like that too.
Imagry; meditation; you know all the tricks. Right now, I think it's just a matter of letting it pass. And it will.
But, it does suck going through it... I can relate... and I'm sorry...

Shalom, my friend...shalom!

NOMOMERLOTMAMMA

Judith,

Big, huge, hugs to you!

Karen

nandm

I am skipping class although I really should go as I did not go on Tuesday but I am not in any shape to be able to sit there even if I were able to get myself there. I emailed my instructor saying I was sick. Which isn't a lie, my brain is sick with PTSD but to explain that to someone without a mental health problem would be beating my head against a stone wall so it is easier to let him interpret sick as whatever he wants to. I am also supposed to go to a weight watchers meeting tonight but I am not going to it either.

I will have to go to my oceanography lab tomorrow as it is the last one and I have a test. Hopefully by taking care of myself this evening I will be in better shape to deal with life tomorrow. Can't worry about it today.

The anxiety is a little better but still not manageable. I have tried most of the tools in my tool box to deal with it but nothing has made much of a difference yet. Think I am going to go out back and pick up the dog poop and mow the lawn. Maybe a little exercise will help. I should have mowed last weekend but was too busy working in the front yard. I am sure the dogs will appreciate the poop scoop as they don't much like it if I go more than 2 days without dealing with it and it has been 2 days. Thank God little dogs have little poops and I have a big back yard.

grateful2b

thanks for the update, Nandm, glad you're staying put... I usually pull my world in around me and avoid any stimulation, especially people wise until I come down....hope you have a more restful night....hugs, grateful

historyteach

Glad to hear you're taking care of you...

The lab will be there tomorrow. No need to think about it tonight. Decisions can be made when it's time to make them.

And I'm sure glad I don't have a dog anymore. I couldn't stand to have to pick up the poop!!! LOL! Cleaning up after my baby was bad enough! :rof

Be good to yourself, tonight, Judith... You deserve something nice just for you...

Shalom!

barb dwyer

NandM-

You know - I'm having to cope with this whole anxiety thing with this Topa ... not at the levels YOU are, but man-o- man - it sucks big red and loud.

and I don't like the crazy feeling what. so ever.

and I apologize for not SEEING this until tonight, either.

Somehow - I stumbled onto something ...
and it helps me -
so I'll share it with YOU and hope that it helps a little?

I had one of those OMG things hit the other day.

And I'd watched that 'brain' workout thing.
And of course my brain 'shuffled' everything and I'm thinking 'hormones' ... anyhow...

I'm thinking 'imagry'...
somehow -
during the freakout -
I sat and MADE myself picture ....

a kitten.

ok for me ... that's something that triggers the 'awwwww' response.
the 'mothering' response.
or a foal.

but it's the 'awwww' thing.
The pick it up and cuddle thing.

Go look on my 'page' or whatever I'm supposed to call it - my 'album' that's my Beloved... my kitten that died over the Thankgiving (let's TALK ironic) weekend ... that brought up my OWN PTSD ... but that's the age that jerks that response with me.

ok
anyway -

during the freakout ....
somehow -
I stopped
(probably in a near- fetal position)
and made myself picture her.
and got the 'awwww' response.

it stopped.

THE HORMONE IS MORE POWERFUL THAN THE CHEMICAL.

I'm proving that. Just typing the incindent ... it's happened again. There's like a warm feeling that flows... if you get adept at it; maybre it'll help? At least long enough to get the car pulled over someplace safe? I mean if that hits and you're out someplace?

PaperDolls

Oh, nan, I'm so sorry you're having a bad time. I'm just now seeing this. I hope you're sleeping well and your anxiety.

My suggestion is to get to your doctor, now. Do not pass go. Just get there.
It is possible to build a tolerance to klonopin. I did and it quit working for me. I took some time off it and it seems to be working again. Either way ....... these are the types of things that any person should see their doctor (or pdoc) for. Your doc needs to now what's going on. I don't know what meds your on, but may be it's time for a change?

I hope today is a great day for you. You deserve it. :ghug3

grateful2b

Hi Nandm,on my way out the door , just wanted to pop in and say I hope you are feeling a bit better today......:hug

nandm

Thank you all for the replies.

The self care yesterday of not going to the class and meeting helped. Although I avoid taking the Klonopin unless absolutely necessary I wound up taking my prescription limit yesterday. But it did finally help by late evening. I took one as when I woke up this morning and will take another prior to going to my oceanography lab. Today is somewhat better so far. Although even with my mouthpiece I ground my teeth bad enough to leave teeth cuts and marks on the inside of my cheeks last night. Stress is such a wonderful thing when it is at overwhelming levels. It is not a bad thing when it is at a low enough level to be a motivator, in fact it can be quite productive then.

I do feel bad though. My oldest beagle is a very perceptive dog. I did not realize until yesterday evening how she had picked up on my stress. She had been laying near me all day, her stomach was upset, she had gas, she was irritable, just not herself at all. Poor thing. Today she is worn out. I don't blame her. The only positive thing from yesterday is I actually went to sleep before midnight. That never happens I am always awake until 2 to 5 in the morning. But I think I would rather not sleep than deal with the insanity. Crossing my fingers I have got a hold on this before it gets out of hand today.

By the way I will be seeing my therapist for my regular appointment next week. I have missed the past two weeks. Helped a friend whose mother needed someone to sit with her after a day surgery and give her a ride home when I should have been at one appointment then forgot to write down the next weeks appointment and missed it. Guess maybe that added to this since she is my PTSD psyc doc.

Going to take a trip to the coast this weekend, although it will just be a day trip, it will be a positive and relaxing thing to do. Even though the trip is to work on my oceanography project rather than just for fun.

tanyapmc

I'm glad your a little better today. I have a little PTSD and anxiety attacks occasionally. They are terrifying. I do not have them to the extent that you do. I am not able to take anything for it because benzos were my drug of choice.

Thanks for teaching me how to get through this.

Hope you having a good day.

grateful2b

glad you're feeling better, Nandm.................

nandm

Ok, made it through the lab and the test over the last 4 chapters. Feel like I passed the test, don't really expect A's of myself anymore. Glad to be home. It was extremely stressful being around people. My sponsee wants me to meet with her and go to a meeting tonight. I am going to have to decline. I am going to try and talk her into tomorrow night. Even with klonopin today I am still not myself. No patience, irritable, can't handle criticism of any sort, raw, not well. Guess I will take the next dose of klonopin, a mug of tea, and try to relax a little. It was nice to get home and have my youngest beagle jump in my lap, lay her head across my shoulder and just stare at me wanting love and attention. I don't know what I would do without them. Probably go completely insane, they at least bring me some peace and sanity. Tomorrow is a new day, hopefully a little better than today.

barb dwyer

"And in the beginning of all things the Creator sent the plants and the Animals ...
for He did not SPeak to Man in a Direct way...."


glad to hear it Nand M!