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Power is not having to respond
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
More mom stories
I am posting to try to sort out some feelings.
She went to the hospital one evening (see previous post) for heart flutterings and went home the next day. This was about a week ago.
She rented a house in GA instead of coming down here where I live.
She hasn't been in that house for 2 weeks and already is complaining that she can't live alone. She's afraid. So she has decided to sleep at my cousins. This is the very place that was driving her crazy and made her move out in the first place.
She's always made good financial decisions and amazingly, has the highest credit rating available.
But I am finding that over the last 10 years, she is making very bad decisions.
She sold a lovely cottage for 20k less than she paid for it about 10 yrs ago. She lived there 15 years and had to get out because "it smelled bad".
She moves to Alabama and buys a camper, moves it onto some friends property near their house, lives in it for several years complaining all the time about it. She pays 13k for the camper and sells it for 3k.
Now she's rented this place and paid almost a thousand dollars to get moved into it and doesn't want to stay there.
She moved out of a very nice senior living apartment because she said it smelled. She says that about every place she's ever lived, that it smells to bad for her to continue living there.
Her main focus in life is to find someone willing to take her in. She is terrified of living alone lately. She's been divorced and quite single since my father died when she was just 35. She said she never wanted another man in her life again. She's 75 now. She's lived alone all these years and within the last 10, has sacrificed finances just so she can live with someone.
She's been a hypocondriac since I can remember learning to walk. Not a day has ever gone by that she wasn't dying of something.
Her constant daily complaints make me unwilling to take her in. It would drive me over the edge. She makes everything "wrong" with her a huge ordeal. She has dry eyes, so she's sure she's going blind.
She has arthritis, so surely she will be in a wheel chair in just a short time.
She has this and that which will surely kill her soon.
I really don't want to feel guilty about her situation and her fears. But, I don't want anything to happen to her either.
How do we deal with the fears of our parents in their old age?
She went to the hospital one evening (see previous post) for heart flutterings and went home the next day. This was about a week ago.
She rented a house in GA instead of coming down here where I live.
She hasn't been in that house for 2 weeks and already is complaining that she can't live alone. She's afraid. So she has decided to sleep at my cousins. This is the very place that was driving her crazy and made her move out in the first place.
She's always made good financial decisions and amazingly, has the highest credit rating available.
But I am finding that over the last 10 years, she is making very bad decisions.
She sold a lovely cottage for 20k less than she paid for it about 10 yrs ago. She lived there 15 years and had to get out because "it smelled bad".
She moves to Alabama and buys a camper, moves it onto some friends property near their house, lives in it for several years complaining all the time about it. She pays 13k for the camper and sells it for 3k.
Now she's rented this place and paid almost a thousand dollars to get moved into it and doesn't want to stay there.
She moved out of a very nice senior living apartment because she said it smelled. She says that about every place she's ever lived, that it smells to bad for her to continue living there.
Her main focus in life is to find someone willing to take her in. She is terrified of living alone lately. She's been divorced and quite single since my father died when she was just 35. She said she never wanted another man in her life again. She's 75 now. She's lived alone all these years and within the last 10, has sacrificed finances just so she can live with someone.
She's been a hypocondriac since I can remember learning to walk. Not a day has ever gone by that she wasn't dying of something.
Her constant daily complaints make me unwilling to take her in. It would drive me over the edge. She makes everything "wrong" with her a huge ordeal. She has dry eyes, so she's sure she's going blind.
She has arthritis, so surely she will be in a wheel chair in just a short time.
She has this and that which will surely kill her soon.
I really don't want to feel guilty about her situation and her fears. But, I don't want anything to happen to her either.
How do we deal with the fears of our parents in their old age?
Progress Not Perfection
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: "Further up and further in!"---C.S. Lewis
Posts: 563
Wabbit...I don't have any answers...I don't have experience in this area...but I do want to support you.
My mom scares the C**p out of me with her relationships....you would not believe the people she has invited to be a part of her life since dad died....drug addicts and users....she goes asleep at night worried about people breaking in to do God only knows what...she has been robbed 3+ times since my dad died....she had perfect credit...now she is being harrassed by collection agencies...because she got credit cards for the first time and in the 2yrs since dad died....she has used those credit cards to keep the drug addicts and users in her life...bribing them with "things". One of her aa friends found her in the grocery store...buying an 18yr old addict groceries and cigarettes...this teenager and his uncles are who robbed her. She is addicted to these kids and men...she kept in touch and still supported them in various ways after they robbed her...for 2yrs I went to sleep praying that she wasn't killed or worse....the aa friend who found her in the grocery store...talked with her and convinced her that what she was doing wasn't entirely healthy....so she broke off her connections with these people over a long period of time...and when I talk to her...she still mourns these relationships...WTF???????
Wabbit....I can relate....our peace and serenity must come first....if we don't care for our serenity...no one else will...I have to give my mom over to my HP...my moms life is unmanageable...I was confused for a while because she is sober...but now I know I have to treat her as if she weren't...and just keep trying to work my program. I don't know what happened to my mom when dad died...but I have really had to detach in ways I never have before.
Wabbit...your care and support means alot to alot of people....I am one of them. I support you. Thank you for this thread....my mom is the reason I found SR in the first place...my relationship with her was what I was searching google for when I found this lovely place. I will always be interested in this topic.
BIG HUGS!!!!!!!
My mom scares the C**p out of me with her relationships....you would not believe the people she has invited to be a part of her life since dad died....drug addicts and users....she goes asleep at night worried about people breaking in to do God only knows what...she has been robbed 3+ times since my dad died....she had perfect credit...now she is being harrassed by collection agencies...because she got credit cards for the first time and in the 2yrs since dad died....she has used those credit cards to keep the drug addicts and users in her life...bribing them with "things". One of her aa friends found her in the grocery store...buying an 18yr old addict groceries and cigarettes...this teenager and his uncles are who robbed her. She is addicted to these kids and men...she kept in touch and still supported them in various ways after they robbed her...for 2yrs I went to sleep praying that she wasn't killed or worse....the aa friend who found her in the grocery store...talked with her and convinced her that what she was doing wasn't entirely healthy....so she broke off her connections with these people over a long period of time...and when I talk to her...she still mourns these relationships...WTF???????
Wabbit....I can relate....our peace and serenity must come first....if we don't care for our serenity...no one else will...I have to give my mom over to my HP...my moms life is unmanageable...I was confused for a while because she is sober...but now I know I have to treat her as if she weren't...and just keep trying to work my program. I don't know what happened to my mom when dad died...but I have really had to detach in ways I never have before.
Wabbit...your care and support means alot to alot of people....I am one of them. I support you. Thank you for this thread....my mom is the reason I found SR in the first place...my relationship with her was what I was searching google for when I found this lovely place. I will always be interested in this topic.
BIG HUGS!!!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hey there Wabbit,
Have a big (((( HUG ))))). I'm so sorry about your Mom. It's just awful watching the do this to themselves.
What I have learned about this disease is that it is "progressive". If they're not working some kind of recovery program, then they getting worse. It's the old "running up the _down_ escalator" applied to mental health. What your Mom is doing is what all addicts/alkies do as the disease progresses. Some of them get there faster than others, but eventually they all end up there.
Both my biological parents ended up that way, as did several aunts and uncles.
In addition to my biological parents I have a 94 yr old lady who adopted me some years back. She's the one I call "Mom", and she shows me off to all her friends as her "son". She is very frail, can't see or hear worth a darn, can't keep her balance without a cane, has some kind disorder that makes her skin incredibly thin and fragile.
None of which slows her down one bit. She's dating _two_ guys, each one over 100. She scrimps her pennies and goes on tours all over the world every year. She drove herself to church every Sunday 'till the Sheriff impounded her car and threatened the used car dealership to stop them from selling her more cars. She teaches the aerobics class at her retirement home, she storms into the home's kitchen to teach the cook the proper way to fix a potato.
She's probably going to out live _me_!!!
My Mom gives me no reason to fear for her old age. She is living life to the max and being an example of healthy attitude.
My biological parents? They gave me plenty reasons to fear for them, but it was my _choice_ whether I accepted those fears or not. In al-anon we call that "detachment". We give them the dignity of making their own choices in life, and that includes the responsibility for the consequences of those decisions. The only consequences that _I_ am responsible for are the ones from _my_ decisions, not theirs.
I once helped raise a child into adulthood. While she was a child, _I_ was responsible for her life and her behavior. As she grew older we gave her gradually increasing trust and responsibility. Now she's an adult and has a wonderful little family of her own.
My biological parents are _not_ children. They are _adults_. I would never have saddled my child with trying to be responsible for adults, that is just insane, if not downright abuse. For my biological parents to saddle _me_ with responsibility for _them_ is just more of the same abuse I received as a child.
I have learned in recovery that I deserve better. The "inner child" has had enough abuse and I will tolerate no further. I will protect that "inner child" and not take on responsibilities that don't belong to me, such as baby-sitting adults.
The big "moment of clarity" that helped me realize how I was allowing my biological parents to abuse me even as an adult was when I mentioned to a sponsor that my parents had allienated _everybody_ in the world except me. My sponsor smiled and asked me how long I was going to remain an emotional child, scurrying to obey their every whim. Everybody else in the world had grown up, and was able to protect themselves from harm. How come I hadn't yet grown up?
That's when I decided that I was done. I would tolerate no further abuse, emotional or otherwise. I had done my best for them my whole life, it was their turn to do something for themselves.
My life today is wonderful. I have lots of people in my life that really do need a little support now and then, and I give it gladly. They don't abuse my support, and when I need help they give it to me. Something my parents never did. I have grown up, emotionally, and protect myself from harm every day. I have several folks in their 70's and above that are close friends, they're healthy emotionally, and take the time to "mentor" me with their own experience in life.
My biological parents chose to not seek recovery, and when they died I really, really hurt. I know today that the pain I suffered at their death was unavoidable. The pain I suffered at their _life_, that is the pain I learned to avoid. They chose to live that way, and there was abolutely _nothing_ I could to stop them. So why destroy _my_ life along with theirs? I don't regret that I stopped "enabling" them, it was the best thing I ever did for me, my wife, my kid, and all the healthy people that have come into my life since then.
Mike
Have a big (((( HUG ))))). I'm so sorry about your Mom. It's just awful watching the do this to themselves.
What I have learned about this disease is that it is "progressive". If they're not working some kind of recovery program, then they getting worse. It's the old "running up the _down_ escalator" applied to mental health. What your Mom is doing is what all addicts/alkies do as the disease progresses. Some of them get there faster than others, but eventually they all end up there.
Both my biological parents ended up that way, as did several aunts and uncles.
In addition to my biological parents I have a 94 yr old lady who adopted me some years back. She's the one I call "Mom", and she shows me off to all her friends as her "son". She is very frail, can't see or hear worth a darn, can't keep her balance without a cane, has some kind disorder that makes her skin incredibly thin and fragile.
None of which slows her down one bit. She's dating _two_ guys, each one over 100. She scrimps her pennies and goes on tours all over the world every year. She drove herself to church every Sunday 'till the Sheriff impounded her car and threatened the used car dealership to stop them from selling her more cars. She teaches the aerobics class at her retirement home, she storms into the home's kitchen to teach the cook the proper way to fix a potato.
She's probably going to out live _me_!!!
My Mom gives me no reason to fear for her old age. She is living life to the max and being an example of healthy attitude.
My biological parents? They gave me plenty reasons to fear for them, but it was my _choice_ whether I accepted those fears or not. In al-anon we call that "detachment". We give them the dignity of making their own choices in life, and that includes the responsibility for the consequences of those decisions. The only consequences that _I_ am responsible for are the ones from _my_ decisions, not theirs.
I once helped raise a child into adulthood. While she was a child, _I_ was responsible for her life and her behavior. As she grew older we gave her gradually increasing trust and responsibility. Now she's an adult and has a wonderful little family of her own.
My biological parents are _not_ children. They are _adults_. I would never have saddled my child with trying to be responsible for adults, that is just insane, if not downright abuse. For my biological parents to saddle _me_ with responsibility for _them_ is just more of the same abuse I received as a child.
I have learned in recovery that I deserve better. The "inner child" has had enough abuse and I will tolerate no further. I will protect that "inner child" and not take on responsibilities that don't belong to me, such as baby-sitting adults.
The big "moment of clarity" that helped me realize how I was allowing my biological parents to abuse me even as an adult was when I mentioned to a sponsor that my parents had allienated _everybody_ in the world except me. My sponsor smiled and asked me how long I was going to remain an emotional child, scurrying to obey their every whim. Everybody else in the world had grown up, and was able to protect themselves from harm. How come I hadn't yet grown up?
That's when I decided that I was done. I would tolerate no further abuse, emotional or otherwise. I had done my best for them my whole life, it was their turn to do something for themselves.
My life today is wonderful. I have lots of people in my life that really do need a little support now and then, and I give it gladly. They don't abuse my support, and when I need help they give it to me. Something my parents never did. I have grown up, emotionally, and protect myself from harm every day. I have several folks in their 70's and above that are close friends, they're healthy emotionally, and take the time to "mentor" me with their own experience in life.
My biological parents chose to not seek recovery, and when they died I really, really hurt. I know today that the pain I suffered at their death was unavoidable. The pain I suffered at their _life_, that is the pain I learned to avoid. They chose to live that way, and there was abolutely _nothing_ I could to stop them. So why destroy _my_ life along with theirs? I don't regret that I stopped "enabling" them, it was the best thing I ever did for me, my wife, my kid, and all the healthy people that have come into my life since then.
Mike
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
Well anything I write after what Mike wrote is going to sound simple and lame. Thanks for raising the bar there Mike 
Teasing aside, Mike's dead-on. Your mother is an adult. One of the classic symptoms of late stage alcoholism (which can occur even after the person stops drinking if they drank enough prior to stopping) is paranoia. You are not responsible for this. You didn't ask your mom to drink, you didn't ask her to addle her brain in booze. You didn't make her make the choices she's made. She is an adult and the best thing you can do is allow her to experience the natural consequences of her actions.
If you do try to insulate her from those consequences, you take on the responsibility for her and anything that goes wrong in her life will be blamed on you. You really don't need to set yourself up for that.
As for dealing with the fears, I deal with them by reminding myself that people do have options in their life. Some choose paths that are self destructive. Those are not my choices. Since they are adults, their choices are theirs to own. While I worry about how it will impact *me*, in the short term, I stop myself worrying by feeling compassion. I can acknowledge that the place they are currently in sucks, but I do not feel any responsibility for it. My only real worry is for how to deal with things when one or both of my parents dies. In the meantime, they make their decisions as they will, and I acknowledge that I have no control over those decisions.
Teasing aside, Mike's dead-on. Your mother is an adult. One of the classic symptoms of late stage alcoholism (which can occur even after the person stops drinking if they drank enough prior to stopping) is paranoia. You are not responsible for this. You didn't ask your mom to drink, you didn't ask her to addle her brain in booze. You didn't make her make the choices she's made. She is an adult and the best thing you can do is allow her to experience the natural consequences of her actions.
If you do try to insulate her from those consequences, you take on the responsibility for her and anything that goes wrong in her life will be blamed on you. You really don't need to set yourself up for that.
As for dealing with the fears, I deal with them by reminding myself that people do have options in their life. Some choose paths that are self destructive. Those are not my choices. Since they are adults, their choices are theirs to own. While I worry about how it will impact *me*, in the short term, I stop myself worrying by feeling compassion. I can acknowledge that the place they are currently in sucks, but I do not feel any responsibility for it. My only real worry is for how to deal with things when one or both of my parents dies. In the meantime, they make their decisions as they will, and I acknowledge that I have no control over those decisions.
Power is not having to respond
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
Growing, you're such a sweetheart. I needed to hear your statement that "if we don't care for our serenity...no one else will...
You're absolutely right. In fact, if we don't care for our own serenity, others will steal it away and we will have none.
Mike, THANK YOU. Reading your reply really put it all into perspective. This statement sums it all up.
"The pain I suffered at their _life_, that is the pain I learned to avoid. They chose to live that way, and there was abolutely _nothing_ I could to stop them. So why destroy _my_ life along with theirs?"
Ginger, I had no idea that alcoholism is progressive even after the drinking has stopped. She's been sober 30 years, but the behavior remains the same. She's just not drunk! It makes a lot of sense now.
The paranoia has always been there. She has shoved this paranoia on me and my sister ever since I can remember. It must be a horrible way to live, with such fears all the time.
Yes, she does make her own decisions. This is something I have to accept and not feel guilty about.
Thank you for your support grateful2b. It means so much to me.
Once again, my SR friends have seen me through.
You're absolutely right. In fact, if we don't care for our own serenity, others will steal it away and we will have none.
Mike, THANK YOU. Reading your reply really put it all into perspective. This statement sums it all up.
"The pain I suffered at their _life_, that is the pain I learned to avoid. They chose to live that way, and there was abolutely _nothing_ I could to stop them. So why destroy _my_ life along with theirs?"
Ginger, I had no idea that alcoholism is progressive even after the drinking has stopped. She's been sober 30 years, but the behavior remains the same. She's just not drunk! It makes a lot of sense now.
The paranoia has always been there. She has shoved this paranoia on me and my sister ever since I can remember. It must be a horrible way to live, with such fears all the time.
Yes, she does make her own decisions. This is something I have to accept and not feel guilty about.
Thank you for your support grateful2b. It means so much to me.
Once again, my SR friends have seen me through.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 11
Wascally, I understand more than I can say. sometimes when I read these post I wonder if we share the same mothers lol....seriously, my mother does similar things she has always had someone help her, or pick up her mess in some way or another. And it is so disturbing to me she is a grown women let her make the bed she chose to sleep in ya know. I find it hard to be so cold sometimes, but my mother also does the "I'm so sick" or "I'm going to die" I'm at the point now where I know she is sick, 40+ yrs of drinking and smoking will do that to you. I know she has things wrong with her she is getting into her 60s now, but she always has to make it worse than it is to get the pity from people. It drives me bonkers! I manage to deal with it to know that it's her doing this and as awful as that sounds I can only feel so bad ya know. Even though we aren't on speaking terms at the moment and I have more anger than I do anything else for her..she is my mother and I dont want to see anything happen to her either. I guess we just have to pray that they will find peace some way some how.
Power is not having to respond
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
Hey Mrs Fox. It's just a burden we carry isn't it? We carry it all our lives. Then, one day we wake up and realize, Hey!! It's NOT MY FAULT! I don't have to feel guilty any more! I don't have to be manipulated!
I can choose to step away from the alcoholic and live a sane life!
My kids and I were driving tonight and got to talking about my mom. She has always been strange.
She will be sitting in the living room and suddenly say, "I gotta get out of here".
Or, "I love you John." (who the heck is John?) or, "I hate you". She is not talking to anyone in particular, it just comes out of her.
She just blurts things out like this.
When we bust her on it, she comes up with a pitiful excuse.
My son said he think she has tourettes!! I thought that was funny as heck. Because I believe she does these weird things for attention. But, he could be right.
Oh the insanity of it all!
Ah, the fact that I am 2.5 hours away from it!!
It gets better and better the longer we work recovery and stay near to people who are doing the same.
I can choose to step away from the alcoholic and live a sane life!
My kids and I were driving tonight and got to talking about my mom. She has always been strange.
She will be sitting in the living room and suddenly say, "I gotta get out of here".
Or, "I love you John." (who the heck is John?) or, "I hate you". She is not talking to anyone in particular, it just comes out of her.
She just blurts things out like this.
When we bust her on it, she comes up with a pitiful excuse.
My son said he think she has tourettes!! I thought that was funny as heck. Because I believe she does these weird things for attention. But, he could be right.
Oh the insanity of it all!
Ah, the fact that I am 2.5 hours away from it!!
It gets better and better the longer we work recovery and stay near to people who are doing the same.
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