Enabling
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Join Date: Aug 2006
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Enabling
I'm new to dealing with mental illness, at least anything that's identified. an someone help me with where enabling fits in this process?
I've been treating my son for some time like a drug addict, ie no more money, you made your choices now live with the consequenes, etc. Now I learn that drugs (marijuana) were a symptom of his mental illness and not the primary problem.
Any insights?
I've been treating my son for some time like a drug addict, ie no more money, you made your choices now live with the consequenes, etc. Now I learn that drugs (marijuana) were a symptom of his mental illness and not the primary problem.
Any insights?
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Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 9,293
While it's true that those with mental illness often use drugs, including alcohol, to self medicate, we still cannot enable the use or abuse of substances. There still needs to be boundaries that are held firm.
My son is bipolar and a heroin addict, now in recovery. He has slips, now and then. Thankfully, they are infrequent, and short lasting. However, there is ZERO tolerance today. No money, no free housing, no support....He's 27 years old, and he has got to learn to do for himself. I will not be around forever, and if he doesn't learn now, what will he do when I'm gone?
Enabling is not love. It's dependance; it's disrespect; it's controlling. Love is letting them grow into the person they are capable of becoming. And that required me to let him go, with full love in my heart. We had to make our mistakes; so will they. We learned from ours; so will they. I have not always been perfect at this. I've faltered, but, it's all about progress, isn't it.
I the end, they will be better because we allowed them to grow up. :>)
I hope this makes sense to you. Know that you are not alone.
Edit: I just read your other thread. Since he is newly diagnosed, and only just new to the mental health system, there may be twists and turns in the treatment program. It is very possible that he may need your help for some time. Consequently, some of what I've written above may not apply for the time being -- with the exception of the illegal drugs. Zero tolerance should still hold fast and true, in my opinion.
Once he is stable, that's a horse of a differernt color though. And you do him no favor to enable him. Doing for others when they cannot do for themselves is love. Doing for others what they can and should do for themselves is enabling, and that's when it's dependance; it's disrespect; it's controlling.
I'm sorry if I've confused you.... Please know, you and your son are in my prayers. I understand, cuz, I've been there.
Shalom!
My son is bipolar and a heroin addict, now in recovery. He has slips, now and then. Thankfully, they are infrequent, and short lasting. However, there is ZERO tolerance today. No money, no free housing, no support....He's 27 years old, and he has got to learn to do for himself. I will not be around forever, and if he doesn't learn now, what will he do when I'm gone?
Enabling is not love. It's dependance; it's disrespect; it's controlling. Love is letting them grow into the person they are capable of becoming. And that required me to let him go, with full love in my heart. We had to make our mistakes; so will they. We learned from ours; so will they. I have not always been perfect at this. I've faltered, but, it's all about progress, isn't it.
I the end, they will be better because we allowed them to grow up. :>)
I hope this makes sense to you. Know that you are not alone.
Edit: I just read your other thread. Since he is newly diagnosed, and only just new to the mental health system, there may be twists and turns in the treatment program. It is very possible that he may need your help for some time. Consequently, some of what I've written above may not apply for the time being -- with the exception of the illegal drugs. Zero tolerance should still hold fast and true, in my opinion.
Once he is stable, that's a horse of a differernt color though. And you do him no favor to enable him. Doing for others when they cannot do for themselves is love. Doing for others what they can and should do for themselves is enabling, and that's when it's dependance; it's disrespect; it's controlling.
I'm sorry if I've confused you.... Please know, you and your son are in my prayers. I understand, cuz, I've been there.
Shalom!
Last edited by historyteach; 02-17-2008 at 02:53 PM. Reason: addition after reading your other thread...
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Join Date: Dec 2006
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Ease,
I am right where you are now. I used to post on the substance abuse forum and now I find myself here. My daughter was a drug addict and she is also bipolar. She has been clean and sober for 8 months. She is struggling with changes in bipolar meds. It has been extremely hard on me because she lives with me. It is actually hard on both of us because I am always putting my 2 cents in about her medication and what she should be doing and not doing. She on the other hand does not listen to me and does not want me to tell her what she should and shouldn't be doing with her medication and her life in general. It is bad for both of us to be living in the same house.
She has a friend who lets her stay at his house any time she wants to. He also runs a bike business from his home and he is teaching her a lot about bikes and even working on them. She really likes staying there because he doesn't nag her like I do. I am only tring to protect her and have her do what she should do to take care of her mental health. I swear she doesn't listen just because I want her to.
Today I took her to her friends house to stay a couple of days. I told her I would not call her and I would give her the space that she needs to figure herself out and what she is going to do about her meds. She said that is a good idea.....she said she would call me sometime. So, I am letting go for a few days. I also need the space from her. It is all so draining.
Teach made a lot of sense to me.
Just to let you know that I feel the same way that you do.
Hugs............Lo
I am right where you are now. I used to post on the substance abuse forum and now I find myself here. My daughter was a drug addict and she is also bipolar. She has been clean and sober for 8 months. She is struggling with changes in bipolar meds. It has been extremely hard on me because she lives with me. It is actually hard on both of us because I am always putting my 2 cents in about her medication and what she should be doing and not doing. She on the other hand does not listen to me and does not want me to tell her what she should and shouldn't be doing with her medication and her life in general. It is bad for both of us to be living in the same house.
She has a friend who lets her stay at his house any time she wants to. He also runs a bike business from his home and he is teaching her a lot about bikes and even working on them. She really likes staying there because he doesn't nag her like I do. I am only tring to protect her and have her do what she should do to take care of her mental health. I swear she doesn't listen just because I want her to.
Today I took her to her friends house to stay a couple of days. I told her I would not call her and I would give her the space that she needs to figure herself out and what she is going to do about her meds. She said that is a good idea.....she said she would call me sometime. So, I am letting go for a few days. I also need the space from her. It is all so draining.
Teach made a lot of sense to me.
Just to let you know that I feel the same way that you do.
Hugs............Lo
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: WA, USA
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Hmm according to historyteach's explanation my parents are major enablers. THey are letting me stay at their place and paying my bills even though I have no job, no prospects, and Im 28! I WILL move out though as soon as this depression and other problems pass. I don't know what else I can do *sniffle*
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It's a tough call. I don't want to enable my RAD either but I know she needs help right now. It is not ideal for her to be living with me, but she can't move out on her own.
She has a long way to go to be able to do that. I still have to have boundaries. She doesn't always keep them and that puts me in a place where I want to ask her to leave but I know she is not capable. It's a tough issue.
She has a long way to go to be able to do that. I still have to have boundaries. She doesn't always keep them and that puts me in a place where I want to ask her to leave but I know she is not capable. It's a tough issue.
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>Once he is stable, that's a horse of a differernt color though. And you do him no favor to enable him. Doing for others when they cannot do for themselves is love. Doing for others what they can and should do for themselves is enabling, and that's when it's dependance; it's disrespect; it's controlling.
<
Thanks History, I think this is a good measurement to use to decide if it's love or enabling.
I've devoted 20 years to preparing this child to live without me. He's been doing his own packing since he was 12, learning to cook since he was 10, doing all of his laundry since he was 15......you get the idea. Now it's beyond his skill set to make a sandwich. I feel like we're starting all over again. ::sigh:: but I'm sure lots of parents wish they could have a "do over."
<
Thanks History, I think this is a good measurement to use to decide if it's love or enabling.
I've devoted 20 years to preparing this child to live without me. He's been doing his own packing since he was 12, learning to cook since he was 10, doing all of his laundry since he was 15......you get the idea. Now it's beyond his skill set to make a sandwich. I feel like we're starting all over again. ::sigh:: but I'm sure lots of parents wish they could have a "do over."
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Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 9,293
I'm glad you found the differenciation helpful.
As your son cannot do some of the simplist things for himself, it's clear he needs your help. Giving it to him is loving. I commend you for that.
When he is capable, you would be doing him a disservice to continue to cater to his needs. The goal of every parent is to raise an independent, productive citizen. That is what leads to their real happiness.
I am certain that this period must be stressful for you. I do hope you are doing some things to take care of yourself during this time, too. And I love your "do over" attitude! It's a winner!!!
Shalom!
As your son cannot do some of the simplist things for himself, it's clear he needs your help. Giving it to him is loving. I commend you for that.
When he is capable, you would be doing him a disservice to continue to cater to his needs. The goal of every parent is to raise an independent, productive citizen. That is what leads to their real happiness.
I am certain that this period must be stressful for you. I do hope you are doing some things to take care of yourself during this time, too. And I love your "do over" attitude! It's a winner!!!
Shalom!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
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Posts: 231
>I am certain that this period must be stressful for you. I do hope you are doing some things to take care of yourself during this time, too. And I love your "do over" attitude! It's a winner!!! <
I've done a lot of work in my own life, getting ready for where I am today. I believe that we cause ourselves much difficulty by believing that we know how things should be rather than accepting how they are.
As far as taking care of myself, right now the only thing I am doing is keeping up my appointments with my personal trainer. Sometimes its the only hour of the day that I'm not completely focused on "problem solving" In addition to trying to find a way forward for myself and our son, I'm the primary caregiver for an 80 year old bp spinster relative, recently diagnosed with alzheimers. At least my son's situation offers hope, hers is an exercise in loss, every single day.
Oh and one other thing I'm doing. I had fallen into the habit of saying to myself or others all during the day, "My life sucks. This is too hard. I'm having a really hard time. Things aren't good. etc" Now when I catch myself with those thoughts I consciously replace them with, "I live in abundance and I am well." Because I do, I may not have everything, but I have enough and all any of us need is enough.
We start family therapy this afternoon. Everyone tells me that I've got to see someone on my own. I'm sure it wouldn't hurt, but right now I think I'm ok.
I've done a lot of work in my own life, getting ready for where I am today. I believe that we cause ourselves much difficulty by believing that we know how things should be rather than accepting how they are.
As far as taking care of myself, right now the only thing I am doing is keeping up my appointments with my personal trainer. Sometimes its the only hour of the day that I'm not completely focused on "problem solving" In addition to trying to find a way forward for myself and our son, I'm the primary caregiver for an 80 year old bp spinster relative, recently diagnosed with alzheimers. At least my son's situation offers hope, hers is an exercise in loss, every single day.
Oh and one other thing I'm doing. I had fallen into the habit of saying to myself or others all during the day, "My life sucks. This is too hard. I'm having a really hard time. Things aren't good. etc" Now when I catch myself with those thoughts I consciously replace them with, "I live in abundance and I am well." Because I do, I may not have everything, but I have enough and all any of us need is enough.
We start family therapy this afternoon. Everyone tells me that I've got to see someone on my own. I'm sure it wouldn't hurt, but right now I think I'm ok.
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