jfk45

Now I have had anxiety for a long time but I had it under control, no meds etc...
I was on my third child. When I went into labor I proceeded to the Hospital obviously Now, I smoke and I did cut down during my pregnancy and it was fine. On my way to the hospital I smoked a few cigarettes as I was nervous, ya know. Anyway, after being admitted and whatnot, the nurse came in and checked me out. My oxegyn level was low, she decides it's because I smoked a few cigarettes before I came in, so she refuses to give me oxegyn.(this is not why and I wish I had never told her) Finally she leaves her shift, good thing she would have let me die.
A new nurse comes in and checks my vitals as well as the baby's, immediately puts me on oxegyn and tells me to lie down still. My blood pressure had plummeted. I am shaking when I write this just remembering. Apparently the baby was in distress, every time I had a contraction his heartbeat slowed to almost nothing. It was horrible, I was a wreck. The reason all this happened was because he was being strangled by the umbilical cord. This somehow put me in distress as well causing the drop in BP and the low oxegyn levels. She calls the doc in and everything all of the sudden went really fast, they induced and got the operating room ready in case I needed an emergency c-section. He finally came and was immediately whisked away to an oxegyn tent.
After all of this trauma I went home and I started a couple of weeks later feeling depressed. I decide to go to a psychiatrist recomended by my ob. He is actually a nurse practitioner, who decides I have bi-polar 2 (not the obvious like post partum depression) even after I told him of my history of depression and anxiety. He gives me all these drugs, one was anti-epilectic and another is an anti-psychotic. After about a week or 2 I start feeling the worst depression I have ever experienced, I can't think clearly, I am walking into walls and the ppd was so exasperated I had to go to an inpatient facility. I was immediately diagnosed with PPD and taken off the meds and given a simple treatment of Zoloft and clonapin. I was finally feeling a lot better after that.
The thing is, when I think of all that happened I get so ridden with anxiety and I think about I was treated so poorly by these people that were supposed to take care of me. I start thinking that maybe I am a terrible mother because I smoked, maybe I will do worse things and maybe I am going crazy. It's hard because these people were professionals.

nandm

I am so sorry for what you are going through. It sounds quite painful. It is not your fault that you were treated so negatively by someone who is supposed to show compassion and understanding. It is obvious that she let her personal feelings take the front seat rather than be a professional and do the job. What she did is comprable to withholding pain medicine from someone that is in pain just because they have a prior history of addiction.

Do not let her poor judgement affect how you feel about yourself. Yes, smoking is not the healthiest thing to do while pregnant or anytime for that matter but it can not cause the cord to to go around the babies neck. You can not control those things.

I have to run an errand but will write more soon. Take care

jfk45

Thank you. I guess for me the ppd was no debilitating. I mean how does a mother have such terrible thoughts, I'm doing better now. Though, when I remember the feeling of being afraid of hurting my own children it's so scary. It's like you don't trust yourself anymore, like you should not be allowed to live because of the potential harm you might possibly inflict on someone else. And you are ashamed, ashamed to tell others because of how they might react, maybe they will take my kids or my husband will find those thoughts repulsive and leave. I finally told someone after they prodded me for an hour. I got treated and I don't get those thoughts anymore.
So really what I'm dealing with right now, I guess are flashbacks to that time. That is what is making me crazy with anxiety. Thanks for listening btw, it really helps to talk about this, like to work it out through writing it.