The Three Rules of the Alcoholic Home
Progress Not Perfection
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The Three Rules of the Alcoholic Home
Taken from: Adult Children of Alcoholics--UIUC Counseling Center
(The Three Rules of the Alcoholic Home)
If you grew up in an alcoholic family you may have longed for the day when you could go to college and leave the pain and chaos of your family behind. You may be surprised, therefore, to find at college that you experience feelings of dissatisfaction, apathy, or distance from other people, similar to those you felt at home. Such feelings are easy to understand when you consider that families are places where you learn about yourself and about life. Although all families operate with "rules," alcoholic families have rules which severely limit the development and growth of their members.
Claudia Black, a leading author and theorist regarding ACoAs, has identified three such rules in alcoholic homes:
1. Don't trust. In alcoholic familes, promises are often forgotten, celebrations cancelled and parents' moods unpredictable. As a result, ACoAs learn to not count on others and often have a hard time believing that others can care enough to follow through on their commitments.
2. Don't feel. Due to the constant pain of living with an alcoholic, a child in an alcoholic family must "quit feeling" in order to survive. After all, what's the use of hurting all the time? In these families, when emotions are expressed, they are often abusive, and prompted by drunkenness. These outbursts have no positive result and, along with the drinking, are usually denied the following day. Thus, ACoAs have had few if any opportunities to see emotions expressed appropriately and used to foster constructive change. "So," the ACoA thinks, "why feel anything when the feelings will only get out of control and won't change anything anyway? I don't want to hurt more than I already do."
3. Don't talk. ACoAs learn in their families not to talk about a huge part of their reality - drinking. This results from the family's need to deny that a problem exists and that drinking is tied to that problem. That which is so evident must not be spoken aloud. There is often an unspoken hope that if no one mentions the drinking it won't happen again. Also, there is no good time to talk. It is impossible to talk when a parent is drunk. When that parent is sober, everyone wants to forget. From this early training, ACoAs often develop a tendency to not talk about anything unpleasant.
(The Three Rules of the Alcoholic Home)
If you grew up in an alcoholic family you may have longed for the day when you could go to college and leave the pain and chaos of your family behind. You may be surprised, therefore, to find at college that you experience feelings of dissatisfaction, apathy, or distance from other people, similar to those you felt at home. Such feelings are easy to understand when you consider that families are places where you learn about yourself and about life. Although all families operate with "rules," alcoholic families have rules which severely limit the development and growth of their members.
Claudia Black, a leading author and theorist regarding ACoAs, has identified three such rules in alcoholic homes:
1. Don't trust. In alcoholic familes, promises are often forgotten, celebrations cancelled and parents' moods unpredictable. As a result, ACoAs learn to not count on others and often have a hard time believing that others can care enough to follow through on their commitments.
2. Don't feel. Due to the constant pain of living with an alcoholic, a child in an alcoholic family must "quit feeling" in order to survive. After all, what's the use of hurting all the time? In these families, when emotions are expressed, they are often abusive, and prompted by drunkenness. These outbursts have no positive result and, along with the drinking, are usually denied the following day. Thus, ACoAs have had few if any opportunities to see emotions expressed appropriately and used to foster constructive change. "So," the ACoA thinks, "why feel anything when the feelings will only get out of control and won't change anything anyway? I don't want to hurt more than I already do."
3. Don't talk. ACoAs learn in their families not to talk about a huge part of their reality - drinking. This results from the family's need to deny that a problem exists and that drinking is tied to that problem. That which is so evident must not be spoken aloud. There is often an unspoken hope that if no one mentions the drinking it won't happen again. Also, there is no good time to talk. It is impossible to talk when a parent is drunk. When that parent is sober, everyone wants to forget. From this early training, ACoAs often develop a tendency to not talk about anything unpleasant.
Last edited by DesertEyes; 02-01-2008 at 07:40 PM.
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Originally Posted by Growing 
I don't know what the heck is up with that smiley face...ugh.
I didn't select it....must have hit a wrong button somewhere...
I didn't select it....must have hit a wrong button somewhere...
L
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This is a great post but I need some advice. I am the mother of two small children (ages 8 and 10) who's father became addicted to his pain killers after a car accident. They lived the chaos for many years, but two years ago I decided the damage of a 'broken' family was better than the damage of having him in our house...so we seperated.
I know I cannot prevent or protect them from all damage from our situation but want to be proactive.
I'm having a difficult time always knowing the balance between making sure the learn to trust, feel, and talk...at the same time of not bashing or discrediting. For example, last weekend, they were suppose to have a weekend with him (supervised of course) but he didn't show. When my daughter called, he was so drugged out that he couldn't even form words. I try to be honest and factual with them but feel it would be inappropriate to show how angry I am...yet if I don't am I showing them not to feel? I verballized that I'm sure this is hard from them, but we'll make the best of it...so we went to a movie and then to some friends. They were distracted and acted as though all in the world was fine...they are getting used to it, he follows through about 1 in 10 things. I'm glad they are not devistated each time...but they aren't because they are learning not to trust???? They had fun and it didn't come up anymore that night...because they are learning not to talk about it??
From your perspective, growing up in addicted families...how do you think I should deal with these issues to not only cause the least amount of damage, but also teach them strong healthy boundaries and beliefs?
I know I cannot prevent or protect them from all damage from our situation but want to be proactive.
I'm having a difficult time always knowing the balance between making sure the learn to trust, feel, and talk...at the same time of not bashing or discrediting. For example, last weekend, they were suppose to have a weekend with him (supervised of course) but he didn't show. When my daughter called, he was so drugged out that he couldn't even form words. I try to be honest and factual with them but feel it would be inappropriate to show how angry I am...yet if I don't am I showing them not to feel? I verballized that I'm sure this is hard from them, but we'll make the best of it...so we went to a movie and then to some friends. They were distracted and acted as though all in the world was fine...they are getting used to it, he follows through about 1 in 10 things. I'm glad they are not devistated each time...but they aren't because they are learning not to trust???? They had fun and it didn't come up anymore that night...because they are learning not to talk about it??
From your perspective, growing up in addicted families...how do you think I should deal with these issues to not only cause the least amount of damage, but also teach them strong healthy boundaries and beliefs?
Progress Not Perfection
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Good to see you Frog.
"how do you think I should deal with these issues to not only cause the least amount of damage, but also teach them strong healthy boundaries and beliefs?"
Recovery is good at any age, IMHO. "A journey of 1000 miles begins with one step."
Alanon is a great starting point, for you. Alateen for the children...they have books for the younger kids, I've heard. It doesn't matter that your husband "uses" instead of drinking. These services are still here for you to use.
After trying different meetings to see which one is "comfortable" to you...getting at least 6 meetings (going with friends or alone, ect).
Maybe counseling for you if you find that you need something more than alanaon to help you with expressing your anger...whichs NEEDS to be expressed...in a healthy way so that you don't have so much anger built up that it "just comes out". ...then, you can more appropriately pick what to share and discuss with the children and what to "leave out."
"They were distracted and acted as though all in the world was fine...they are getting used to it, he follows through about 1 in 10 things. I'm glad they are not devistated each time...but they aren't because they are learning not to trust???? They had fun and it didn't come up anymore that night...because they are learning not to talk about it??"
In my experience, the answer to this was Yes. I learned not to trust my parents and I learned not to talk about it. Is this true in your situation?...Is this happening to your kids?
I will say learning what our choices *do* to our children is tough...super tough...but it is the truth and your kids are lucky that they have a mom who is educating herself on these issues.....Your children have also learned possitive things from your example by removing yourself from "the addicted" environment. Hang in there and keep coming back to learn more about acoa.
"how do you think I should deal with these issues to not only cause the least amount of damage, but also teach them strong healthy boundaries and beliefs?"
Recovery is good at any age, IMHO. "A journey of 1000 miles begins with one step."
Alanon is a great starting point, for you. Alateen for the children...they have books for the younger kids, I've heard. It doesn't matter that your husband "uses" instead of drinking. These services are still here for you to use.
After trying different meetings to see which one is "comfortable" to you...getting at least 6 meetings (going with friends or alone, ect).
Maybe counseling for you if you find that you need something more than alanaon to help you with expressing your anger...whichs NEEDS to be expressed...in a healthy way so that you don't have so much anger built up that it "just comes out". ...then, you can more appropriately pick what to share and discuss with the children and what to "leave out."
"They were distracted and acted as though all in the world was fine...they are getting used to it, he follows through about 1 in 10 things. I'm glad they are not devistated each time...but they aren't because they are learning not to trust???? They had fun and it didn't come up anymore that night...because they are learning not to talk about it??"
In my experience, the answer to this was Yes. I learned not to trust my parents and I learned not to talk about it. Is this true in your situation?...Is this happening to your kids?
I will say learning what our choices *do* to our children is tough...super tough...but it is the truth and your kids are lucky that they have a mom who is educating herself on these issues.....Your children have also learned possitive things from your example by removing yourself from "the addicted" environment. Hang in there and keep coming back to learn more about acoa.
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Thanks for the reply. I looked for Al-anon/Nar-anon meetings in our area. I found a "family support" group and went for quite awhile, especially when I had him leave. I have taken the kids for about three years to a church program that focuses on families going through one kind of issue or another. We've all three been in counseling too. I took a divorce recovery class through our church. I also have my masters degree in and have worked with at-risk teen for 17 years.....I feel I'm 'information' prepared. However education is NOTHING compared to living it. I really learned that when my husband first became addicted. I knew way more information than the average person, I counseled with and worked with hundreds of families - but walking in the shoes of someone going through it is a completely different ballgame. I have had a ton of "ah-ha's". There is a difference between "knowing" it and "getting" it. That is why I'm most intersted in hearing from people who grew up in homes with addiction. I want to know what my children feel, see, know, want to know, don't want to know....from someone who "gets" it.
I am amazed almost daily to see the growth my kiddo's have made. They say things, especially my 10 year old, that blow me away. For example, when we were talking about the stages of grieving, thinking I was talking about how the kids were dealing with their dad not living with us anymore, my son (10 now, 8 when he said the comment) said, "I think we are not grieving Dad leaving, but grieving Dad's addiction. We were in denial when he still lived with us, now that he is gone, we are not in denial anymore." WOW!!!!
I am amazed almost daily to see the growth my kiddo's have made. They say things, especially my 10 year old, that blow me away. For example, when we were talking about the stages of grieving, thinking I was talking about how the kids were dealing with their dad not living with us anymore, my son (10 now, 8 when he said the comment) said, "I think we are not grieving Dad leaving, but grieving Dad's addiction. We were in denial when he still lived with us, now that he is gone, we are not in denial anymore." WOW!!!!
Progress Not Perfection
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"They were distracted and acted as though all in the world was fine...they are getting used to it, he follows through about 1 in 10 things. I'm glad they are not devistated each time...but they aren't because they are learning not to trust???? They had fun and it didn't come up anymore that night...because they are learning not to talk about it??"
For me also, (I remember behaving this way) your just a kid. You want to do kid-stuff. You want to "act" normal. Kids thoroughly enjoy normal, I have observed. This addiction stuff is so HEAVY at 8 and 10yrs old...anytime they can escape this heavy burden, have fun or think of something else for a while, children jump at the chance. I just about only thought deeply about my parents addiction and my reaction to it, when I was alone in my room. I remember thinking, "my parents problems have already taken away so much, I will not let them take away xyz (any fun or distraction activity). I remember loving school and my teachers because it was normal and more healthy than my environment at home.
For me also, (I remember behaving this way) your just a kid. You want to do kid-stuff. You want to "act" normal. Kids thoroughly enjoy normal, I have observed. This addiction stuff is so HEAVY at 8 and 10yrs old...anytime they can escape this heavy burden, have fun or think of something else for a while, children jump at the chance. I just about only thought deeply about my parents addiction and my reaction to it, when I was alone in my room. I remember thinking, "my parents problems have already taken away so much, I will not let them take away xyz (any fun or distraction activity). I remember loving school and my teachers because it was normal and more healthy than my environment at home.
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There is a thread over in Friends and Family of Substance Abusers that has some great information regarding this.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-no-show.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-no-show.html
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Growing, Thanks, that kind of 'remembering what is was like' is exactly what I feel I need to hear more and more of so I can empathize and know how best to respond to my kids.
LaTeeDa, I'll go check that thread out. Thanks
LaTeeDa, I'll go check that thread out. Thanks
Progress Not Perfection
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The good thing is, alanon is always there, if you need it.
"I try to be honest and factual with them but feel it would be inappropriate to show how angry I am...yet if I don't am I showing them not to feel?"---I noticed you said, "how angry I am". No amount of information helps with the anger, does it? Alanon helps with this.
I know I have found that it always helps to have my recovery "tweeked". Having that face to face support, more than just the information, has been helpful to me. You remain in the midst of some very heavy issues with your ex-husband and children. Just because the addict is gone doesn't mean the stress and responsibilities are. This addict is still the father of your children and here is where it gets complicated. I know the other mothers in alanon have some great nuggets of wisdom in this area.
This reminds me of that saying, "As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens the wits of another." (We never "graduate" from recovery.)
I agree with LTD and would like to suggest another thread from friends and family.
Especially the response by denny and chrysalis123 about strong and capable women, and I would add, in your case "information prepared":
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...deception.html
"I try to be honest and factual with them but feel it would be inappropriate to show how angry I am...yet if I don't am I showing them not to feel?"---I noticed you said, "how angry I am". No amount of information helps with the anger, does it? Alanon helps with this.
I know I have found that it always helps to have my recovery "tweeked". Having that face to face support, more than just the information, has been helpful to me. You remain in the midst of some very heavy issues with your ex-husband and children. Just because the addict is gone doesn't mean the stress and responsibilities are. This addict is still the father of your children and here is where it gets complicated. I know the other mothers in alanon have some great nuggets of wisdom in this area.
This reminds me of that saying, "As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens the wits of another." (We never "graduate" from recovery.)
I agree with LTD and would like to suggest another thread from friends and family.
Especially the response by denny and chrysalis123 about strong and capable women, and I would add, in your case "information prepared":
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...deception.html
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Originally Posted by Growing
I don't know what the heck is up with that smiley face...ugh.
I didn't select it....must have hit a wrong button somewhere...
I didn't select it....must have hit a wrong button somewhere...
Mike
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Honesty that is age approp.
Talk, talk, talk with them
Teach them to tell their dad they are disappointed and give a voice to it.
Continue to be the fantastic mom that you are !!!!!!!!
Talk, talk, talk with them
Teach them to tell their dad they are disappointed and give a voice to it.
Continue to be the fantastic mom that you are !!!!!!!!
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Frog,
Do check out those threads mentioned -- they're good ones.
What I wish most of all was that someone in my childhood had been honest with me about what was happening around me. I did have my sister, who tried hard to be straight about the whole thing (although she too later developed substance abuse problems, sigh...) And I too loved school, because there were people there who helped me to see what "normal" was, even though it didn't register at the time that's what was going on.
I think you're doing fine, even if it doesn't feel like it. Your kids' words tell me that. Just believe in yourself and love them and be honest with them, and they will be just fine. Help them to focus on their own dreams and choices, and enlist their help in YOU focusing on YOURS. Take the emphasis off "him" as much as you're able.
Look at this as an opportunity to teach them compassion, even in the face of someone who may not seem like the ideal person to give compassion to.
That's a skill they will need all their lives. It's one we all need.
Hugs to you and the kids!
Do check out those threads mentioned -- they're good ones.
What I wish most of all was that someone in my childhood had been honest with me about what was happening around me. I did have my sister, who tried hard to be straight about the whole thing (although she too later developed substance abuse problems, sigh...) And I too loved school, because there were people there who helped me to see what "normal" was, even though it didn't register at the time that's what was going on.
I think you're doing fine, even if it doesn't feel like it. Your kids' words tell me that. Just believe in yourself and love them and be honest with them, and they will be just fine. Help them to focus on their own dreams and choices, and enlist their help in YOU focusing on YOURS. Take the emphasis off "him" as much as you're able.
Look at this as an opportunity to teach them compassion, even in the face of someone who may not seem like the ideal person to give compassion to.
That's a skill they will need all their lives. It's one we all need.
Hugs to you and the kids!
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Thanks so much to all of you. Hearing what you felt and what you needed as you were growing up is incredibly helpful. When each situation arises, empathy for where my kids are coming from is powerful in knowing what is best to do.
Another thing I am trying to do is redirect my thinking to what I want from my children rather than what I don't want. For example, instead of fearing that they will learn to not trust, feel, or talk....I need to teach them to trust, feel, and talk. Did that make sense? I get myself so bogged down in wanting to make sure I do all I can to prevent the ugliness to continue in their lives that I miss a ton of teachable moments. When I find myself doing that I try to refocus my energy. I made a list of the three beliefs, three behaviors, and three feelings I want my kids to carry into adulthood...I put the list on my PDA so I have easy access to it and constant reminders. Hearing what people experienced as kids helps me know what I need to focus on 'teaching'.
Thanks so much for all you input. Please keep it coming. I really want to hear as much as I can from an adult perspective on how my kids are feeling through all this.
Another thing I am trying to do is redirect my thinking to what I want from my children rather than what I don't want. For example, instead of fearing that they will learn to not trust, feel, or talk....I need to teach them to trust, feel, and talk. Did that make sense? I get myself so bogged down in wanting to make sure I do all I can to prevent the ugliness to continue in their lives that I miss a ton of teachable moments. When I find myself doing that I try to refocus my energy. I made a list of the three beliefs, three behaviors, and three feelings I want my kids to carry into adulthood...I put the list on my PDA so I have easy access to it and constant reminders. Hearing what people experienced as kids helps me know what I need to focus on 'teaching'.
Thanks so much for all you input. Please keep it coming. I really want to hear as much as I can from an adult perspective on how my kids are feeling through all this.
Progress Not Perfection
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"Another thing I am trying to do is redirect my thinking to what I want from my children rather than what I don't want."----This sounds great and I am sure it will work for you.
As acoa's, it is important for us to detail what happened to us...trust, feel and talk...to validate it. This can be overwhelming in the beginning and I don't know of anyone in acoa recovery who skipped this. It is also, an ongoing process, as memories surface and we cycle back and forth between what is percieved as "beginning, middle and end" processes.
Acoa shares the 12 steps with alanon and aa but it is different. For example, to recover from co-dependency, the co-dependent needs to take the focus off of the addict-alcoholic and focus on themselves and their needs. This is true for acoa's as well....BUT NOT IN THE "BEGINNING"...you are admitting that you are an acoa and coming to grips with what that means and not when memories surface. Acoa's tend to suppress their feelings, dissassociate/deny reality. (Don't trust "yourself or others"...don't feel...dont talk....you could even add don't remember, IMHO)
So see how the advice of "taking the focus off the alcoholic/addict only works for acoa's sometimes depending on what cycle of recovery the acoa is in?
"Ideally", the acoa moves through accepting they are acoa, deals with feelings, remembers everything and details it...and then takes the focus off the addict/alcoholic and focuses on themeselves. But we all cycle back and forth through stages...this is healthy...for an acoa.
As acoa's, it is important for us to detail what happened to us...trust, feel and talk...to validate it. This can be overwhelming in the beginning and I don't know of anyone in acoa recovery who skipped this. It is also, an ongoing process, as memories surface and we cycle back and forth between what is percieved as "beginning, middle and end" processes.
Acoa shares the 12 steps with alanon and aa but it is different. For example, to recover from co-dependency, the co-dependent needs to take the focus off of the addict-alcoholic and focus on themselves and their needs. This is true for acoa's as well....BUT NOT IN THE "BEGINNING"...you are admitting that you are an acoa and coming to grips with what that means and not when memories surface. Acoa's tend to suppress their feelings, dissassociate/deny reality. (Don't trust "yourself or others"...don't feel...dont talk....you could even add don't remember, IMHO)
So see how the advice of "taking the focus off the alcoholic/addict only works for acoa's sometimes depending on what cycle of recovery the acoa is in?
"Ideally", the acoa moves through accepting they are acoa, deals with feelings, remembers everything and details it...and then takes the focus off the addict/alcoholic and focuses on themeselves. But we all cycle back and forth through stages...this is healthy...for an acoa.
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He had a good day today and showed up where the kids were skiing for the second time ever. He used to ski lots so it was wonderful. He was able to teach them this and that. You could tell they were in heaven having him there. It was wonderful to see. I try to take lots of pictures of those good moments. For me, pictures direct my memories. I 'think' this will help them keep the better times as what sticks. tI also fear that with his heavy use, an early death is highly likely and I want the kids to have those treasures...even if they can't have him.
Progress Not Perfection
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That is wonderful Frog! Thank you for sharing this day with us.
Feel free to start your own thread about any topic you choose at any time...and keep coming back to this acoa section.
I know I will always love to hear how it is going with your kids. Please keep us updated.
Feel free to start your own thread about any topic you choose at any time...and keep coming back to this acoa section.
I know I will always love to hear how it is going with your kids. Please keep us updated.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
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Well, my last post was about a good day. Since then we have't seen or heard from him. He doesn't answer his phone, doesn't return the calls.....I need to be out of town from Wednesday to Sunday this week and the plan was that they'd stay with classmates through the school time then with him over the weekend. Our court papers say he cannot drive them or have them unsupervised....so that takes planning on his part. I just found out that he hadn't even asked him family yet (he's known since September). So, as I make plans to leave I have plan B and plan C, and Plan Z all ready for anything that could happen with phone numbers of everyone possibly involved so there is no mishap, kids left anywhere, and everyone who would possibly need to know, know he can't drive them. Then, as the kids get let down while I'm gone or chaos arrises I'll be 4 hours away and can't hold them and comfort them. 
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
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