Irrational fears

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Old 01-19-2008, 05:28 PM
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Irrational fears

Hi guys,

One of the things that are constantly popping up in my head are irrational fears about my future with my girlfriend. It's not as if I truly, rationally believe these things, it's just that I wonder about them. For example, I often question to myself the way she really feels about me. I sometimes wonder if overnight she will "come to her senses" and not want to be with me anymore. We talk regularly about getting married and having a family together so it really does seem ridiculous to me that she could lose her feelings for me overnight! But I still worry about it, but at the same time knowing it won't happen, if you see what I mean. Does anyone else have experience with feelings like this? Can this be the result of an unstable childhood?

Cheers.
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Old 01-19-2008, 08:14 PM
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Is she an alcoholic or a drug abuser? Is she from a family of the same?
Sometimes these fears are merely our gut feeling. I trust my gut feelings.
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Old 01-19-2008, 08:32 PM
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Nah, she has a great family. My gut feeling in this is that we will go very far together - I just think it's my own low self esteem getting in the way sometimes. I wonder if other people whose childhoods were influenced by alcohol abuse feel this kind of irrational fear of abandonment.
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Old 01-20-2008, 08:52 AM
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Hi Blue,

Absolutely -- I've gone through this. But like Wabbit suggests, sometimes there is a gut reason for it (your subconscious noticing things that your conscious mind overlooks) and sometimes there isn't.

For the first couple of years of my marriage -- after relationships for many years where I ignored all of those gut level things that said "we" had some things to work out -- I STILL had problems trusting myself, not thinking the thoughts you mention. And he was like your love -- stable family, no addiction problems, solid and honest and very clearly in love with me. It took time, honesty (with myself and with him), a little therapy to work through the feelings with an impartial third party, and patience, lots of patience with myself.

Be patient with yourself and enlist your love's help in working through things, if you can. A few sessions with a good therapist ....just a few a year, to check in and work things through.....helped me a LOT.

Good luck
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Old 01-22-2008, 11:31 AM
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blue_Icecream:

Holy ****! I could have written your EXACT words!! And it's funny now because my girlfriend is so excellent - we match on all the levels, and she regularly expounds on how wonderful she thinks I am, and I knew I loved her on our first date - I still have those worries! I've had awful girlfriends in the past and had the same worries, so I know now that these worries are with me -- not with her.

In fact, I just wrote this down today, in a list of things to talk with a therapist about:
-"In relationships, I worry about the person changing and not liking me anymore. Want to make sure I'm doing things to keep them liking me."
-"I have a fear of abandonment."

.. There are many other things in my list, but those direct relate to our conversation here. I *can* tell you that my mother has been drinking since I was in grade school, and for most of my life (until a couple years ago!), I always just understood this behavior as: "Mom changes at night, and then nobody ever talks about it the next day."

What is your experience, blue_Icecream?

So, I don't have answers yet, but I wanted you to know that I feel I relate to you EXACTLY on this issue.

Take care, and thank you SO MUCH for sharing!!
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Old 01-22-2008, 05:40 PM
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Thanks for the replies guys, especially to you bragi for making me think about this a lot.

One of the experiences I have had a lot in my life is of unpredictable behaviour. My father figure was a violent alcoholic who could be nice to me sometimes but ridiculously cruel at others: he told me when I was 4 or 5 that he'd kill my dog if I didn't come to live with him (my parents were divorced). I don't remember much at all about him as I have had next to nothing to do with him throughout my life but over the last 6 months or so I have accepted that these experiences, even so young, make me a ACOA.

My mother's aunty, who was like a grandmother to me, also became an alcoholic in her later life. She was a loving, warm figure in my life but then I didn't see her for 2 years and she was drinking heavily, not being very nice to me and telling me I was stupid all the time and stuff and making me feel like I was in the way. She gave me alcohol to drink when I was seven then I had to close all the curtains and stuff at night because she told me she was too drunk to get up.

Now that I think about is there have been lots of changing, unpredictable and contradictory behaviours in my life - for example I might one day be told how smart I was then the next how stupid and "useless" I was (I removed this word from my normal vocabulary after a session with a counsellor at high school). I think that learning these behaviour patterns has led me to believe that my girlfriend may overnight stop loving me for no real reason: I think simply being in this relationship is helping me a lot with this issue. I talk about this with my girlfriend and she finds it strange sometimes why I have these worries, because she accepts that I love her and that that won't change, but she helps me through it.

Maybe it's a question of having to learn new behaviours - I can't apply the patterns I had absorbed previously to this relationship so I will have to develop new, more healthy ones.

Thanks again for the replies!
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Old 01-23-2008, 05:50 AM
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blue_Icecream (and everyone else),

I was just in the shower and I had a thought: It seems to me that this fear is a fear of someone no longer liking us, yes, but underneath that is the fear of what that would mean. It seems to me that I/we would take this to mean that there was something wrong with *us* - that we didn't do something right - and that would be awful; like we failed and were bad/different/abnormal. It seems to me that the remedy for this fear is feeling better about who we are all the time -- and that if someone doesn't like that, that's a problem with them. After all, if someone isn't what they say and do, what are they?

What do you think?
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Old 01-23-2008, 05:56 AM
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blue_Icecream,

First of all, that's great that you talked about this with your girlfriend! That's wonderful, and I'm glad she's able to encourage you. Have you told her about what has happened in your past? Why you believe you feel this way?

Also I think it's great that you were able to get some help in High School. I've only been seeking help now, at 27! (And I think that's even young!)

Anyway, blue_Icecream, I can tell you that my mom typifies the unpredictable person. I think it was somehow less obvious that it was an alcohol problem because she was a woman, and she was so overprotective and overinvolved/stifling otherwise. But as a kid, all we knew is that "Mom changes at night." (I guess I already mentioned that!) Anyway, yeah, I'm believing more and more that her unpredictable behavior is what's causing my fears now -- and I want to get rid of those fears! I think I was very cautious to want to get rid of them before because I wasn't sure if they were legitimate.

Anyway, thank you so much for your messages! They're very encouraging in that I now know I'm not alone.

What sorts of things are you planning on doing to develop new healthy behaviors?

Thanks!
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Old 01-24-2008, 02:45 PM
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I really relate to this one...the irrational fear of being abandoned by my husband...I used to always ask my husband..."Do you love me?"...I think he thought it was silly...

The only thing that helps me is to meditate on my Higher Power, and realize that, I am over-focusing on my husband's love and "possible" human weaknesses, when I could be spending that energy on my Higher Power. I choose to believe that my Higher Power is the only perfect being...and He loves me THROUGH my husband...and He loves my husband THROUGH me.

That being said....I still struggle with this...questioning my husbands love for me is like, my default mode...but I keep it to myself so I don't bother him with it because I know it is unfounded and irrational....THAT IS PROGRESS!

When I find myself in this rut....I do the above said meditation.

Thanks for this thread....This is very healing.
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Old 01-24-2008, 03:41 PM
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I was thinking about this issue last night, and I had sort of an epiphany; I had a realization about what an inconsistent household might do to a person:

"I believe that if you have an inconsistent household, you're never sure if you're good/bad/accepted, so you're always worried what people think of you, and that what they think determines how good you are."

I'm going to talk with a therapist to clear this all up, but once I had this realization last night, my evening with my girlfriend was stress/anciety-free, and my actions a lot more self-determined.

Any thoughts??
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Old 01-24-2008, 07:59 PM
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GiveLove and I apparently travelled a part of our paths together. It was several years after I was married before those "when is he going to realize who I really am and leave me" thoughts went away. We've now been married 8 years+ and I can't describe how glad I am that I didn't let those "old tapes" ruin things for me. My husband still loves me more than anything - and I think by now he's seen just about every bit of horridness I have inside me. He's been through counselling with me, he's supported me through several therapists, and he still thinks I"m the bee's knees.

Negative self talk is a huge part of being an ACoA. But if you really have found a wonderful human being, she will be willing to help you through that part (my husband rolls his eyes and repeats back to me any negative self talk I verbalize in a really sarcastic tone - the way he does it is so funny that I can't help but laugh at myself, and sometimes that's really exactly what I need).
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Old 01-25-2008, 05:46 PM
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Hi all,

I ran across the following article online, and found it very interesting. Maybe you all will as well?

Ross and Hill (2000) developed the Family Unpredictability Scale to measure and understand inconsistency in family behaviors and regulatory systems. Parents who reported having a child with an emotional, behavioral, or attention problem, compared to parents not reporting such problems, also reported higher family unpredictability. In addition, family unpredictability was associated with more self-reported depression and anxiety among parents.

Other research has asked children to describe parental inconsistency. Retrospective accounts of inconsistent parental affection have been correlated with young women's depression and bulimic eating behavior (Scalf-McIver & Thompson, 1989) and self-criticism (McCranie & Bass, 1984). Perceptions of parental discipline inconsistency (e.g., "my mother promises me a reward and then later forgets about it") have been associated with negative outcomes such as aggression (Hall, Herzberger, & Skowronski, 1998) and anxiety (Kohlmann, Schumacher, & Streit, 1988). In an unusual longitudinal study, Hightower (1990) found that teenagers who perceived that their parents were reasonable and consistent in their attitudes and rules had better psychological health at age 50, whereas other parenting domains, including nurturance, did not relate to subsequent mental health. Perhaps the consistency (as well as fairness) assessed during adolescence were markers of a predictability schema or belief system, described in detail below, and these ongoing perceptions helped explain subsequent mental health.

Another family-based source of unpredictability is living with an alcoholic parent. Researchers and clinicians describe families headed by an alcoholic parent as unpredictable and chaotic. For example, families with an alcoholic parent are more likely to involve inconsistent parental affection (Benson & Heller, 1987), abuse (Jones & Houts, 1992), and marital disruption (Black, Bucky, & Wilder-Padilla, 1986). Familial unpredictability may be more severe or detrimental when the alcoholic parent relapses (Moos & Billings, 1982), is an episodic or binge drinker (Jacob, Krahn, & Leonard, 1991) or is an "antisocial" or "Type II" alcoholic, due to greater impulsivity (Ichiyama, Zucker, & Fitzgerald, 1994) and instability (Babor et al., 1992). Ross and Hill (2001) found that retrospective perceptions of parental unpredictability (perceiving parents as unpredictable, inconsistent regarding rules/discipline, delaying punishment, and not acting on threats) mediated the relationship between having an alcoholic parent and young adults' alcohol consumption. Thus, problematic drinking was not associated with parental alcoholism per se, but rather with parental unpredictability, which was more common among alcoholic parents.

Lenore Terr (1991) is a psychiatrist who works with children who have experienced a variety of "externally generated horrors" (p. 11) that include both onetime unanticipated events (e.g., witnessing a murder or suffering a near-death experience) and variable or multiple traumas (e.g., ongoing sexual or physical abuse). Terr writes, "the sense of a severely limited future, along with changed attitudes about people and life, appears to be important in the trauma and extreme stress disorders originating in childhood." (p.13). She adds that this is particularly striking because nontraumatized children's ideas about the future are almost limitless.
(I wish I could post the URL I got this from, but I haven't made 15 posts yet!)
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Old 01-26-2008, 07:28 AM
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This is very interesting...Thank you for sharing this information.

For me, this information validates what I experienced as a child and outlines the challenges I am facing/will face, on my road to health.

It is bitter-sweet.

On one hand, researchers are figuring out *why and how* we ACOA's and children of dysfunction are affected---that is validation...but on the other hand, they detail the obstacles we face to get healthy...sometimes that can be overwhelming---but necessary to know anyway...because if I know the nature of the problem...I can formulate a plan of action and outline what choices I have to nuture health in my life.

Thanks again...I will always be interested in information like this.

Growing
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