Sammybear

I feel terrible but at the same time I want to physically strike out at him; the only thing keeping me from doing it is the baby who is almost 2 months...

My boyfriend is the only one of the two of us working right now, we just had a baby. I've been so frustrated with him lately.. I am madly in love with him some days, but other days I am just resentful and hateful towards him. I've even taken to sleeping on the couch even on the nights when he's home (he works third shift).

I haven't felt this much hate for a person in a long time, I just feel like I'm throwing my life away being with him; but I know that if I leave him I'll never forgive myself because he's my ideal guy on most days. We plan to get married, but I'm tired of questioning myself. This is the first relationship I've been in since I got divorced 7 years ago that has been with a non-abusive partner.

I recently moved here and haven't had a therapist since I got here, but I finally made an appointment to see one to find out if my bipolarity is being triggered by postpartum depression.. I have done nothing but eat for days, and I don't even care anymore. I feel like I want to scream at my baby when she's crying, even though I know that's what babies do. I am not afraid I'm going to hurt anyone or myself, but I'm tired of crying and just want to feel normal for a change...

Please pray for me to see the light beyond this darkness... I know it's there somewhere I just feel like I'm losing hope.

historyteach

(((Sammybear)))
Welcome to SR!

I'm glad to hear that you've made an appointment with a therapist. It very well could be post partum depression you are dealing with, or you may need to tweek your meds for your bipolar condition. But, certainly, the vast hormonal changes that occure after giving birth can wreak havoc on anyone! I went through a bit of post partum depression myself, so, I can relate.

Don't loose hope. But, do try to do good things for yourself now, as difficult as it is. It's important to take care of yourself physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually when we are feeling this way. Yes, I know it's hard; almost impossible. But, try, each day, to do at least one thing for yourself in these areas....or even one if that's all you can manage to start with. It's progress, not perfection, right?

My thoughts and prayers are with you now as you go through this difficult time. And G*D's blessings on the new baby in your life. What a joy! All the promise of the world is contained within the little one.

Shalom!

Nina Kay

Sammybear Hi. It's good to see you here at SR again. I'm glad that you came back. I sure agree with all that Historyteach told you. I too am glad to hear that you made that appointment. That's taking care of yourself and that's so important to your health and happiness and to that of your little girl's too. How precious a two month old baby is. Wow!!! My 30 yr old daughter is pregnant right now. We don't know whether it's a boy or a girl yet. Her hormonal imbalances are tearing her up and I've noticed it since she first got pregnant. Her hormones have always had a big negative effect on her ever since she started her first menstral period years ago. I try to just remind her that the way she feels at those times is her hormones and that she doesn't need to think too deeply about anything during those times or everything will be distorted in her mind. She just needs to keep herself really busy and remind herself continually that she needs to just hold on for a while until it passes. It's definitely not the time to be making any decisions or trying to figure anything out and you can't believe how you are feeling right now because your feelings are out of whack. You just need to ride it out and it'll pass. Just try to keep yourself real busy with the things that you need to get done and rest when you get tired. You need to eat healthy foods right now and don't think of dieting, but if you can stay away from the sweets, it would be a good thing for you right now because the sweets cause mood swings too which causes our thoughts and feelings to be distorted. These are just some things that I've learned through my life from living on a personal hormonal rollercoaster. I just wanted to share them with you. I hope that it might help some. I do hope that you'll keep coming back here often. I'm sending you
((((((((((((((((((Caring and Supportive Hugs))))))))))))))))

sugarssweetpea

Sammybear,
Much hugs to you & much prayer. I went through some pretty rough post partum with my first child, then the hormones went crazy with my second. I cried every day during my pregnancy & it continued to post partum until I did not have a really close relationship with my baby until he was about 9 months old. I can so relate to what you are going through. I believe the hormone levels we have during & after pregnancy effect any other kind of depression we may have. I am very happy that you are going to see a therapist. I am also so very happy for you & your baby & the family you are starting. It is such a blessing. I would also like to suggest that you not make any major decisions until you & your therapist are sure the post partum hormones are gone. I know that I would have left my husband many times during that time after both of my children. I will pray for you & your family. Thank you for sharing.

sugarssweetpea

I also wanted to add that a lot of the stresses you may be feeling is from being so very TIRED. Lack of sleep can really have some major effects on your body & mind. Do you have anyone to help you out, so you can rest. I would also like to sugggest that if you have the chance, sleep when your baby sleeps. Take care of yourself. The housework can wait. The most important things right now is the health of yourself & your baby.

Sammybear

Thank you everyone for your posts.. Today is a better day for me. Taking it one day at a time and not worrying about tomorrow seems to be helping.

((everyone)) for your support and prayers

historyteach

Please continue to let us know how you're doing....
We care...

Shalom!

Sammybear

Am I completely out of my mind for expecting a 'warning' phone call from my mother in law when she wants to "pop in" to see the new baby? It's been nearly 2 months since she was born, so I figured that she might have calmed down, but no luck.

Today it snowed, and last night, and half the city is without power. She showed up without even so much as a courtesy call.. normally I wouldn't care, but it was a long night with the baby, and since my boyfriend doesnt drive, I had to take the baby out into the freezing weather to pick him up from work at 6am... I was sleeping on the couch and was quite comfortable, when the door swings open and I'm welcomed with a stream of freezing cold air and some snowflakes on my face (the couch is near the door).

Even if she was without power at home (2 blocks away), she could have used her cell phone to call and say "hey, we're coming over"..

I got grumpy and picked up my blankets and pillows and retreated to the bedroom to finish my sleep, but later the boyfriend brought the baby in and woke me up to ask me something stupid.. I can't remember what it was, the only thing I remember is being super upset with being woken up AGAIN...

I finally dragged myself out of bed around 2pm.. I did the dishes and made some needed phone calls and now I'm dreading going to the store because we're amost out of food, and the baby is out of formula.. good thing it's only supplement .. I breastfeed most of the time.. I just hate going out..

Several years ago when I was married to my ex husband I went for 3 years without leaving the house by myself.. I've come a long way since then, but I get really nervous sometimes.. and on rare occasion I have to sit in the car crying before going into the grocery store.. it feels ridiculous in retrospect, but I seriously freak out and I'm not sure why...

I can't take most meds right now because I'm breastfeeding, so I'm hoping that this new therapist will be helping me deal with these issues next week...

Thanks for listening.

sugarssweetpea

Thank you for sharing. I am sending you much hugs & much love through this computer right now. I pray that you feel better in the coming days. One thing that I like to remember on days that I cry a lot is that I must be pretty healthy on the inside with all the stress I relieve by crying. I read somewhere that it is actually really good to cry. Anyway, I hope you feel better & am glad that you did end up getting some rest today.

historyteach

It is perfectly reasonable to tell your MIL to call before coming over to see the baby. Tell her the baby naps, and you need to also, therefore, she must call first.
As for the b/f, let him know if you are getting a well deserved rest, there is no cause to wake you unless the baby is bleeding or brused.
Your turn to take care of you. Lay down some boundaries. Whatever you can live with.

Shalom!

Sammybear

I am thanking God right now that I made it through another day.
I have been praying day and night to help me not be anxious or aggressive.

I've never been afraid of hurting someone, but sometimes I find myself stopping myself from having violent reactions to other people. One time I tried to run my ex husband over with my car, another time, I threw broken glass at him. I threw a computer monitor at my crippled ex boyfriend, and have an horrible tendency to slam doors and throw things..

Fiancee found out he might be losing his job, and right now that is not something I can handle. I'm really looking forward to finding out if there's a local group that I can go to for support, I'll find out at my new therapist on Tuesday.. as usual the MIL is being very meddlesome when it comes to my boyfriend's work (he and his father work for the same parent company and his dad is in management, so his friends at corporate call and talk to him about my bf before talking to my bf about things.. therefore, involving both him and the MIL, making our lives somewhat uncomfortable).. and I really don't like it. He's talked about finding a new job, but having just had a baby we agreed that stability was better for us financially...


I'm glad that I can vent here and know that at least one person out there knows how I'm feeling and what I'm going through right now. Thank you.

God Bless.

Sammybear

I met my new therapist today.

My appointment was at 1:30 and I sat in the waiting room until 4pm to see her because something "came up" and they didnt tell me until I'd already been waiting for an hour.

I came home to find the baby crying her eyes out, soaked in a soiled diaper, and my boyfriend sound asleep on the couch, completely oblivious that she was even crying. I woke him up and asked him how long he'd been asleep and he had no idea.. now I feel like I can't leave him alone with her. Usually he's fine with her, but he's such a sound sleeper it takes a small miracle to wake him up.. I sat down immediately and started to nurse her, and started to cry.. I cried for a solid hour and ten she and I cuddled and she fell asleep.. part of me feels like a terrible mom, the other part of me blames her dad for being so irresponsible to fall asleep when he knows how sound he sleeps.. oy I want to hit him... hard.

Thanks for listening.

historyteach

(((Sammybear))))
You are NOT a bad mother for taking care of you.
Quite the contrary. You cannot take care of the baby and other responsibilities if you *don't* take care of yourself! So, stop that now, ok?

As for your b/f, it might be wise to write up an action plan for when he is responsible for her. Agree upon what is the expectations. Write it out, and both of you sign it. One of those expectations is that he must stay awake, since he cannot hear the baby when he's out cold. That expectation is both reasonable and just. The baby *must* come first, even if he is tired. His rest can wait, as every responsible parent on earth knows. It's time he learn that responsibility.

How did the appointment with the therapist go? I'm sorry you had to wait. It's a shame they waited so long to tell you. There must have been an emergency for it to have taken that long. But, I do hope that the therapist was able to help you, in the end. so, please let us know how it went. We care....

Shalom!

Sammybear

Today my father called me. I haven't spoken to him since he kicked me and my boyfriend out of his home because he didn't approve of the age difference. It's been about 10 months. The last thing I had done was contact him after I found out I was pregnant, I wrote him a letter telling him that I loved him and hoped he could welcome the baby and my boyfriend into the family despite his past disapproval. After the baby was born, I ordered birth announcements. I put one in the mail last week with a couple other pictures and wrote him a letter telling him that I was praying for him to see that this baby was a blessing on our family and not a curse and I left him new contact information for me.

He said he was going to write me a letter and put it in the mail, but he wanted to tell me that he loved me and that he had gotten the pictures. He didn't sound angry or upset. I feel bad because the last time I saw him I was in a bad place and needed some money to get out of a hole and him and his wife helped us out a lot. I plan on paying him back, despite my mom telling me that he owed it to me for never helping to pay for my college... whatever...

I don't know why, but I have felt like I've been seeking my father's approval for years, and now sitting here in tears because for the first time ever I think he might understand me.

Looks like we'll have something to discuss in therapy next week.. I am a wreck today, but I am hopeful.

Thank you God for helping me to have the strength to send those pictures and to write the letter to tell him how I feel. I miss my dad.

Sammybear

I am *soooooooo* excited that I have a phone interview for a job on Tuesday. The position sounds IDEAL for what I'm looking for.. I am ... wow, I can't control my excitement. I hope it goes really well, it would be enough of a salary that would put my family into a much better situation.

There is a down side. I am really really going to miss staying home with my daughter.. separation anxiety.. I went through this with my first daughter and I am terrified that I'm going to break down like I did with her.. oy..

Please send thoughts and prayers for my stability through this.. *crossing fingers and praying*

historyteach

It's wonderful that you and your dad are coming together once more.
Life is too short for arguements to tear you apart...

Best of luck with the interview! I hope it goes well for you.
You'll deal with the seperation anxiety. Every new mother goes through it.
Let us know how it goes, ok?

Shalom!

reader

I wanted to let u know Sammy that my Dr. had me on AD during my pregnancy and while I was nursing. I would get a second opinion about not taking them. My Dr. told me a happy mom makes a happy baby. Is their anyway your boyfriend can get a ride home with a co worker? I would suggest telling your boyfriends mother that u need your rest right now and ask her to call before she comes over. I would make an appt with a Dr. as soon as possible. Take Care of yourself and your baby.