Sammybear

I was reading through all these forums, wondering which ones I could read through to help me deal with some issues that I'm having lately, and I read the 13 signs of children.. and wow. I am floored by how many of those points basically tell the story of my life.

Growing up, both of my parents were heavy alcohol users. My father (who is now not on speaking terms with me) quit daily drinking bout 15 years ago when he met his current wife. My mother has never quit drinking unless she didn't have the finances.

I'm really worried about my mom. She constantly finds herself in relationships with other substance abusers, most of the time heavy drinkers. This one is verbally and emotionally abusive. My mom has told me she doesn't think she can do any better; I've noticed that she uses this as an excuse to begin drinking again. Since she's been with this guy, it drives her. She's now lost her job and is thinking about moving in with him until she can "get settled", but part of me doesn't think she's telling the truth about why she lost her job.

I hate feeling like I want to help her but can't. I've always told her that I will support her making decisions that will make her happy, but it's really hard to do that when I know that it's defeatist and counter-productive, not to mention detrimental to her overall health. What makes it worse is that she works in a nursing home and watches the elderly patients and residents who deal with addiction on a daily basis, and when she talks about it, it's like she has no idea that she's sick herself.

This time of year is really hard for me because I can't remember ever having a normal Christmas without some sort of crisis. Now I'm dealing with my own issues, but can't stop thinking about my mom, wishing that I could help.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Barbara52

I sure understand the wanting to help. Lord knows I always did until I was an adult at any rate. I detached (although didn't know that what it was) when I was around 20. It wasn't really a healthy detachment because it was based on anger and hate but it did lead me to separation of my parents behaviors and my own behaviors and choices.

It comes down to you can't help her unless and until she wants to help herself. But you know that already.

Learning to detach is hard but leads to a healthier you.

I also grew up hating the holidays. They always meant drunkeness and violence. To this day, I do not care about holidays the way most folks do. I love giving presents to my loved ones and I have come to love going to church for Christmas but in lots of ways, holidays in general are just another day to me.

GingerM

Realization is the first step to reclaiming your life from the control of others. Your mother is still controlling your life - not overtly, but because you worry about her so much. How much of your time is spent trying to think up ways to help her out of a mess she's gotten into. Now, how much of your time is spent trying to think up ways to help YOU out of a mess you didn't ask to be brought into?

Now that you've got the realization, it's time to start working on you. Your mother is a grownup (in age if not in action), she will find a way to take care of herself. Time for you to take care of yourself.

This has the potential to be a long and very rewarding journey for you.

Wascally Wabbit

I was young when my mother decided to quit drinking. The thing is, I didn't want to help her, I just wanted to get the heck away from her. She eventually got sober by her own doing. They really have to want it for themselves. Honestly, there's nothing we can do to sober them up.

GiveLove

Welcome sammybear,

It's true, all of the above. Sad, isn't it? But there's no getting around it: you cannot control your mother's behavior and choices. There are no magic words you can say, no wand you can wave, no genie in a lamp. She has to take this trip herself, and find her own healing.

Are YOU happy? Do you have the things, the peace, the calm, the togetherness, you want in life? If you were to invest the time and worry and tears in your own life that you continue to try to invest in hers.....wouldn't that be a good investment in a happier life for you?

Hugs to you.
GL

Rella927

Welcome Sammy-

It is true everything said...and it is truly sad to watch.

It took me many years and still doing my work on this-as I buried my A Father and now deal with my mother who no longer drinks (3 years ago) but has many other things going on....I can today because of recovery be more aware of my own reactions towards her-and work on allowing myself to be happy today-because it is my life and my choice not to be a part of the chaos of growing in the manner that most of us did-

Hang in there and remember you, be gentle with yourself and know you are not alone in this-Try as Give stated to invest more time in your own life rather than hers-