nandm

This passage accurately decribed me for too many years. I am fortunate to have found a recovery program that works for me so I would not wind up following the illusion to death, I just got to the gates of insanity (fortunately reached out for help before the gates opened).

What are your thoughts, experiences, ideas, questions, etc.... regarding this passage. Do you find similiarities in it with you? I appreciate any feedback you have. Thanks.

nandm

A handbook I read stated the following about this passage.

caraway

For a long time I didn't think I was an alcoholic. I thought alcoholics were daily drinkers and had to have a drink on waking. When I first went to AA, which I went to on and off for about 10 years, I found it easy to stop because I used to drink alot on an evening and then have 2, 3 or 4 days off, depending on how much booze I'd had. I could tell myself that I only drank a couple of times a week, and wheres the harm in that? I think I admitted to being an alcoholic when I ticked just about all the boxes in a questionnaire (something like 20 boxes when 5 would have been sufficient to diagnose a drink problem). I think the main thing for me though was the fact that once I have one drink, I want to keep going. Thats what always made me feel different from other people and I think, for me, its that one fact alone, that makes me an alcoholic. Without that one fact, I might just be a heavy drinker.

Of course once I'd admitted that I was an alcoholic, or had an abnormal reaction to alcohol or whatever one wants to call it, I got used to it. When I decided I wanted to drink again, I just thought to myself 'ok, I'm an alcoholic and I'm going to have a drink'. So, knowing my alcoholic pattern, I'd plan it out by starting as late in the day as possible, preferably starting in the evening when I had less to do and could enjoy the journey to oblivion uninterrupted.

I'm waffling on here and not sure what I'm trying to say except admitting to being an alcoholic wouldn't stop me from drinking. Admitting to my life being unmanagable, well thats a whole new arguement to get round if I wanted to pick up a drink.

nandm

Thank you for sharing your experience. You have an excellent point about unmanageability being a large part of it.

gravity

This obsession part of this passage very accurately describes my experiences. The horrors of coming off a bender. For the first few days sober, "I'll do whatever it takes" is the main thought. This is followed by a few days of "I can quit on my own." Then I start thinking "I will be able to control and enjoy drinking in the future". And the obsession starts and eventual drinking results.

If I could honestly accept that I was physically/mentally different would it make a difference? I think it would help. I could no longer pretend that the passage of time, reading a theory, or dealing with some other aspect of my life will result in being able to enjoy drinking.

However, I think that it is my pride that makes it difficult for me to call myself an alcoholic, not so much wanting to be able to drink like others. Some people drink, some don't - doesn't really matter to me or affect how I view others. Drinking like others is not really what I obsess over. Instead, I have a tough time admitting that I can't handle a few beers. I guess one of my first steps is to get over myself and accept who I am.

nandm

I love the honesty of your post. Thank you for your insight. I truly hope that you are able to set aside the pride and just let yourself realize that accepting you are an alcoholic does not close doors for you, it opens many doors to your future happiness. I know that was my experience. Today, my being an alcoholic is no different than my height, it is a part of who I am, I just have to accept it and move forward. Take care and thank you for your post.

Robzoloft

Are you kidding me? "many pursue it into the gates of insanity and death", I have been inpatient psych ward 3 times....two 28 day rehabs.....5 ER detox centers...3 Intensive Out Patient programs...one crack induced heart attack (38 y/o) ...multiple overdoses...two DWI's...bankruptcy...divorce...loss of child custody.......and I still wonder if I can drink like normal people..I still try to drink like normal people....INSANITY

findingout

Yes. There is exactly the same chance of me waking up tomorrow being able to drink like a non-alcoholic as there is of me waking up tomorrow being tall enough to play center in the NBA. Zero. Not going to happen. I'm 5'6" and I am an alcoholic. Just two of the many things I have accept because I cannot change them.

Anna

I do think it's insanity too. I know there was a point during my drinking years, that I feel like I was truly insane. When I look back on it, I can't believe that my thinking was so crazy. Yet, it didn't occur to me at the time that I was insane. I could go out in the world, much of the time, and do normal things, but I wasn't living in reality.

gravity

For me, truly accepting that "I can't drink" as a part of me will only be 1/2 of this particular issue. The other half is not blowing this fact all out of proportion. Really, it shouldn't be a big deal at all and certainly not worth obsessing over. Simply put, I want to have a good life where alcohol is irrelevant. I don't know if it is realistic or not, but my goal is to one day be able to say that "I can't drink and I don't care."

nandm

That goal is not an unachieveable one. For me I no longer think much about the alcohol but to do so I have to expand in other areas. For me that growth comes through a recovery program where the alcohol is considered but a symptom. So if I work on the correcting the real problem, myself, then alcohol becomes irrelevant.

I come to these boards and post not because I am worried or obsessing about drinking but rather because I have found a solution and believe that is worth sharing as well as supporting others who are or have been at a place where alcohol was the obsession.

Hang in there. There is a solution. Thank you for your candor. I appreciate it as it makes me think.

gravity

Your post is bang on.

I have tried quitting on my own and have had limited success (that I don't discount). I am approaching AA (I don't know if this is the program you are referring to) with an open mind - to learn & get support. I still have some concerns (people finding out that I go to AA is the main one) but I have to deal with my pride and give myself a chance.

I also strongly believe that it is my responsibility to share any experiences and solutions with others. I am at a point in my life where family members, friends, and colleagues ask for my help on personal problems (even advice on drinking issues!).

Thanks for the encouragement.

nandm

It sounds like you are off to a great start. Yes, AA was the program that worked for me. I like your last paragraph regarding responsibility, giving back what we have been so freely given is so essential to recovery. At least it is for me.

With time the worry about people finding out you are in a recovery program will pass. At least that has been my experience. Of course there will be narrow minded people who will think that just because we have had an alcohol problem that it reflects on our character or will power. But I don't worry to much about people like that. They are just misinformed. I can't change them. The people that matter in my life accept me as I am.

Fishman35

Mental obession= The idea that always wins out.

sonic9rg

hi there,

could you please give me some examples of "the countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people" its just so i can look for them in my own life. im currently reading the big book on a weekly basis with my sponsor and we've gotten to this chapter.

sonic9rg

hi there,

could you please give me some examples of "the countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people" its just so i can look for them in my own life. im currently reading the big book on a weekly basis with my sponsor and we've gotten to this chapter.

Fishman35

It talks about these in the book of Alcoholics Anonymous on PG 31:

Here are some of the methods we have tried: Drinking beer only, limiting the number of drinks, never drinking alone, never drinking in the morning, drinking only at home, never having it in the house, never drinking during business hours, drinking only at parties, switching from scotch to brandy, drinking only natural wines, agreeing to resign if ever drunk on the job, taking a trip, not taking a trip, swearing off forever (with and without a solemn oath), taking more physical exercise, reading inspirational books, going to health farms and sanitariums, accepting voluntary commitment to asylums -- we could increase the list ad infinitum.

I just always thought I could control it, but it always ended up controlling me. I would sober up for a couple of weeks and it wasn't long before I was pickled again.

GettingStronger2

It IS possible. I don't drink and i don't care. I do not take it for granted, and i work on my recovery every day to maintain this position of neutrality --

"And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone -- even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor. if tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. We react sanely and normally, and we will find this has happened automatically.. . ..We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality -- safe and protected. We have not even sworn it off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us."
AA Big Book, pp. 84-85

This is how i feel today. I have quit worrying about whether i can or cannot drink like other people. i do not fight an urge to drink, or a craving for alcohol. i simply do not drink any longer. The desire for drink has been removed from me. It is up to me to continue to grow in order to remain in this position, but for today, this is where i am.

Kjell

Well, I never really tried to quit. I always and I mean always only tried to control my drinking.

I'd go crazy one night (beer, shots, coke, etc...) and then have regrets, cause some damange, or just mis getting into major trouble and I'd swear I'd never do that again and really mean it.

So the next time I'd go out, I'd tell myself and even others that "I'm not doing shots anymore" or "I'm done with coke, no more!", but sure enough, maybe not that night but soon enough, I'm in a bathroom bumping rails and drunk as can be of shots and beer, then the next day I'd be puzzled as to what happened.

It took YEARS of this and many consequences to realize that I simply cannot safely drink like others.

Kjell~

Fishman35

My favorite promise in the entire book, the 10th step promise. I am a hard rock musician. My biggest fear is was "how can I be a rock musician and not party?" I did not see my playing at church functions or Chuck E Cheese. If it were not for the 10th step promise above, I would not be in AA 6 1\2 years later. I found a sufficient substitute. To be honest, I am more fun now than I ever was when I was drinking.

That being said, the painful truth is that most of us will not quit until we have truly had enough. if the idea of a drink still sounds appealing, then alcohol has not beat you up enough. Sorry, but this is what all of the old timers told me. I had to pay the price myself to figure it out.