Update on my move
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Ohio
Posts: 62
Update on my move
Well, I have an update on my move.
I MOVED!!! and things are going well. I should have done it a long time ago. I had some very irrational fears about failure which tied me to my parents. Fear of being unable to keep a job (I worked on conflict resolution skills and have been taking better care of myself to prevent job "burn out" - including cutting my hours and being upfront and honest with my boss (who I also have trust issues with which is a diffrent story in a diffrent thred) about my acoa issues and responses to certian things in the work place). The fear of driving was cured. I did get into my first car accident...MY first CRISIS on my own as an adult - and having it actually turn out OK. No drama. No crazyness. No over the top reactions from my family - just me handeling a situation the way any sane adult handles a situation and it was fine. People get into accidents and life goes on. WOW.
While my fears are gone - my fear of being alone - my fear of failing - I don't feel how I THOUGHT I would feel.
My fear was that I would feel lonley and my hope was that I would feel "cured" - but in reality I feel none of those things. I feel totally unaffected - completley numb - and still afflicted with the same pain of being an ACOA that I had when living at home. Moving didn't change anything - I don't know how I thought it would. I know in my mind that the move was a great thing to do - but I don't feel great - I don't feel "not great" - I don't feel anything. I guess I just didin't understand that moving wouldn't change the way I feel - so it goes "whereever you go - there you are" and here I am - same numbness (less crazy - but without the brief "feeling" that the chaos brings there is only more mundane numbness) and I am begining to feel the need to create a disaster. I find myself day dreaming about self harming agian (which I havn't done for a while). I feel like a fish out of water - who is struggling for air - and the constant pain and chaos is the only thing I seem to "want". I feel starved for PHYSICAL pain, suffering, tears, ANY feeling of hurt, horror, and chaos. How sick is that.
I MOVED!!! and things are going well. I should have done it a long time ago. I had some very irrational fears about failure which tied me to my parents. Fear of being unable to keep a job (I worked on conflict resolution skills and have been taking better care of myself to prevent job "burn out" - including cutting my hours and being upfront and honest with my boss (who I also have trust issues with which is a diffrent story in a diffrent thred) about my acoa issues and responses to certian things in the work place). The fear of driving was cured. I did get into my first car accident...MY first CRISIS on my own as an adult - and having it actually turn out OK. No drama. No crazyness. No over the top reactions from my family - just me handeling a situation the way any sane adult handles a situation and it was fine. People get into accidents and life goes on. WOW.
While my fears are gone - my fear of being alone - my fear of failing - I don't feel how I THOUGHT I would feel.
My fear was that I would feel lonley and my hope was that I would feel "cured" - but in reality I feel none of those things. I feel totally unaffected - completley numb - and still afflicted with the same pain of being an ACOA that I had when living at home. Moving didn't change anything - I don't know how I thought it would. I know in my mind that the move was a great thing to do - but I don't feel great - I don't feel "not great" - I don't feel anything. I guess I just didin't understand that moving wouldn't change the way I feel - so it goes "whereever you go - there you are" and here I am - same numbness (less crazy - but without the brief "feeling" that the chaos brings there is only more mundane numbness) and I am begining to feel the need to create a disaster. I find myself day dreaming about self harming agian (which I havn't done for a while). I feel like a fish out of water - who is struggling for air - and the constant pain and chaos is the only thing I seem to "want". I feel starved for PHYSICAL pain, suffering, tears, ANY feeling of hurt, horror, and chaos. How sick is that.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Your mind and body want your drug, mlynn: drama and chaos.
You've been immersed in it up to your neck for your whole life. Calm and peace is unnatural to your brain.
Are you ready to break your addiction to that? Can you ride this temporary feeling out, and come out the other side? Thinking you can...you may just have to call in the big guns. Stay busy, learn something new with your spare time, see a counselor and cry out loud, go to a CoDA meeting, take up kickboxing (worked for me!) anything to keep your wild mind occupied until it calms a bit. Work your recovery like your life depends on it. It probably does.
This is a rough patch of road. But it doesn't last forever.
You've been immersed in it up to your neck for your whole life. Calm and peace is unnatural to your brain.
Are you ready to break your addiction to that? Can you ride this temporary feeling out, and come out the other side? Thinking you can...you may just have to call in the big guns. Stay busy, learn something new with your spare time, see a counselor and cry out loud, go to a CoDA meeting, take up kickboxing (worked for me!) anything to keep your wild mind occupied until it calms a bit. Work your recovery like your life depends on it. It probably does.
This is a rough patch of road. But it doesn't last forever.
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
Hey honey. you're doing good. Just keep on putting one foot in front of the other and you will get to the place you want to be.
Don't think that you can't do it, because you already have!
Don't think that you can't do it, because you already have!
Progress Not Perfection
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: "Further up and further in!"---C.S. Lewis
Posts: 563
I don't know what you have been through..but I can imagine.
You may be like a survivor of a war...scars and all.
It makes sense that you would feel this way.
I care for you, I have been there in some regards.
I made it and you will too..
The numb goes away..you will feel again..it takes time..keep working it and sharing with us. Be gentle with your wonderful self.
(((((((MLynn))))))))
You may be like a survivor of a war...scars and all.
It makes sense that you would feel this way.
I care for you, I have been there in some regards.
I made it and you will too..
The numb goes away..you will feel again..it takes time..keep working it and sharing with us. Be gentle with your wonderful self.
(((((((MLynn))))))))
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: oz
Posts: 92
Mlynn
I had the same numb feeling when I moved away. I think I taught myself not to feel because it was too much living with someone that was always over the top and emotional. So my solution was I wouldn't feel at all. I avoided thinking about things that made me feel. Even to this day I'll find myself hitting this wall in my head. Like I'm not allowed to go there because it'll make me feel. And now that I am working on thinking about things and expressing my feelings I'm always second guessing them. Are they valid? Am I over reacting? Am I under reacting? But I feel like I'm making progress the more I express my feelings and think through my problems. Surrounding myself with healthier people helps too. Because asking dysfunctional addicts if something is normal is kinda counter productive :P I make mistakes. . . I over react and under react and misinterpret but that's part of being human and having feelings. I try to go easy on myself and let things go. It's a lot of work but I think its worth it!
I had the same numb feeling when I moved away. I think I taught myself not to feel because it was too much living with someone that was always over the top and emotional. So my solution was I wouldn't feel at all. I avoided thinking about things that made me feel. Even to this day I'll find myself hitting this wall in my head. Like I'm not allowed to go there because it'll make me feel. And now that I am working on thinking about things and expressing my feelings I'm always second guessing them. Are they valid? Am I over reacting? Am I under reacting? But I feel like I'm making progress the more I express my feelings and think through my problems. Surrounding myself with healthier people helps too. Because asking dysfunctional addicts if something is normal is kinda counter productive :P I make mistakes. . . I over react and under react and misinterpret but that's part of being human and having feelings. I try to go easy on myself and let things go. It's a lot of work but I think its worth it!
Last edited by Midnightfrost; 12-20-2007 at 10:14 AM. Reason: I can't spell and not great with grammar either
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