My Mom Died
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: West End, NC
Posts: 10
My Mom Died
This is my first time posting a thread, but now I have to talk to somebody. November 24, I found out my mother had died. I fell to my knees because all I could remember is the last conversation I had with her. I had finally had it with her, and I told her to never call again. I said I was going to change my phone number and never wanted to hear from her again unless she was sober.
This past year has been very difficult because my mother relapsed again after two years of sobriety. My mom tried, but numerous times, she would always fall off the wagon. I couldn't understand.
My mom was never a verbally or physically abusive alcoholic, but she was a sick alcoholic and I hated to hear or see her in that way. I became angry and lost respect for which I feel is from the years of ups and downs. She had some of the best treatment in the Nation, but couldn't live with herself.
When she was sober, she was perfect. She loved the Lord and worked her steps, but as soon as she was alone again, reality would hit. She and I lived in separate states which didn't help her any. She had lost two marriages, a son(my brother), a home, a car, license, and all she had was her grand daughter and I. I honestly believe if she had tried to get sober for her self and not for my daughter and I, she would be alive today. I also realize God had mercy on her soul by taking her when he did. She was lonely and her body was falling apart. This is the part where I hate myself for not doing more. I did enough, but I didn't do all I could.
My mother was 49 years old and died several days before Thanksgiving, but wasn't found until the 24th which was the day used on her death certificate. Please don't disregard those who are sick with this disease in your life. I could have just said I love you.
I miss her so much. She adored me, yet I was so hateful. If I could :praying change anything, I would have ended my phone call with understanding instead of judgment.
Your friend, parent, sibling, or lover could very well be next, so please just remember my story.
This past year has been very difficult because my mother relapsed again after two years of sobriety. My mom tried, but numerous times, she would always fall off the wagon. I couldn't understand.
My mom was never a verbally or physically abusive alcoholic, but she was a sick alcoholic and I hated to hear or see her in that way. I became angry and lost respect for which I feel is from the years of ups and downs. She had some of the best treatment in the Nation, but couldn't live with herself.
When she was sober, she was perfect. She loved the Lord and worked her steps, but as soon as she was alone again, reality would hit. She and I lived in separate states which didn't help her any. She had lost two marriages, a son(my brother), a home, a car, license, and all she had was her grand daughter and I. I honestly believe if she had tried to get sober for her self and not for my daughter and I, she would be alive today. I also realize God had mercy on her soul by taking her when he did. She was lonely and her body was falling apart. This is the part where I hate myself for not doing more. I did enough, but I didn't do all I could.
My mother was 49 years old and died several days before Thanksgiving, but wasn't found until the 24th which was the day used on her death certificate. Please don't disregard those who are sick with this disease in your life. I could have just said I love you.
I miss her so much. She adored me, yet I was so hateful. If I could :praying change anything, I would have ended my phone call with understanding instead of judgment.
Your friend, parent, sibling, or lover could very well be next, so please just remember my story.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
((((yellow)))
I am so sorry for your loss.
There's not much I can say, I think, except that I hope you can try and work through this.
Please stick around and meet some very caring people who understand.
((((Hugs)))
Cece
I am so sorry for your loss.
There's not much I can say, I think, except that I hope you can try and work through this.
Please stick around and meet some very caring people who understand.
((((Hugs)))
Cece
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
I am so sorry for your loss. I know your mom knew how much you loved her.
When I was using, no matter how mad at me my Mom got, I always knew she loved me.
Please stick around, you'll find a lot of support around here.
When I was using, no matter how mad at me my Mom got, I always knew she loved me.
Please stick around, you'll find a lot of support around here.
Life the gift of recovery!
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
Thank you for reaching out and sharing your experience to help others. It is a sobering reminder of how difficult life can be. I do hope you continue to come back to SR and I know if you do you will find a strong support group here.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Yellow, I'm a mom and I know that she knew that you loved her, no matter how mad at her you got. Moms just know, trust me on that and please don't live your life in guilt, no mom would want that for her child.
I'm sorry for your pain, and hers, and I hope that we can help you heal from all this, in some little way.
Hugs
I'm sorry for your pain, and hers, and I hope that we can help you heal from all this, in some little way.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Yellow,
I'm so glad you decided to break your silence and share your story with us. It must be hard for you to share but I also know that it somehow lightens the load when we tell others about our pain.
Unfortunately, we have quite a few people here on SR who have lost a loved one to this disease. I hope you will make yourself at home here and continue to read and share.
Here's an additional forum that may be of some comfort to you right now:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/grief-loss/
Grief and Loss
In more ways than one, I'm sorry for the loss of your mother. As a mom myself, I believe your mom knew that you loved her.
Please don't forget that you don't have to be alone, this place is full of wonderful caring friends.
(((hugs)))
I'm so glad you decided to break your silence and share your story with us. It must be hard for you to share but I also know that it somehow lightens the load when we tell others about our pain.
Unfortunately, we have quite a few people here on SR who have lost a loved one to this disease. I hope you will make yourself at home here and continue to read and share.
Here's an additional forum that may be of some comfort to you right now:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/grief-loss/
Grief and Loss
In more ways than one, I'm sorry for the loss of your mother. As a mom myself, I believe your mom knew that you loved her.
Please don't forget that you don't have to be alone, this place is full of wonderful caring friends.
(((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: nyack, NY
Posts: 26
Yellow,
I'm so sorry for you loss. I do believe your Mom is at peace now, not struggling with the terrible disease of addiction. Remember Alanon is a place where there is many caring people who have had similiar life experiences as well as SR. Being around these people can be very comforting. You are in my thoughts.
I'm so sorry for you loss. I do believe your Mom is at peace now, not struggling with the terrible disease of addiction. Remember Alanon is a place where there is many caring people who have had similiar life experiences as well as SR. Being around these people can be very comforting. You are in my thoughts.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello there, Yellow, and thank you for taking the time to share your wisdom with us.
I lost my father to alcohlism the first week of July, a couple years ago. His brother, my uncle, died the next week. A week later it was their sister, my aunt. All died from the "complications" of alcoholism.
When my father died, I had not spoken to him in some 15 years. I had developed a deep, deep hatred towards him. When I was a child being raised by him I _wanted_ him dead with such a passionate hunger it overwhelmed me. My father quit drinking many times, with and without AA, but he never managed to find that "spiritual experience" they talk about.
I understand what you mean when you say you could have done more. I could have done more, but I didn't. Then again, I have no idea if my doing the utmost would have made any difference. Perhaps I am just a little bit in my own "codependency" when I think that way.
My father made me the executor of his will. I have no idea why. My father had a wife at the time of his death. His second wife as he was also married to my mother. My father was a bigamist. His second wife loved him in spite of all his "character defects", inspite of his being a bigamist.
His second wife wanted _nothing_ of his estate. Just one shirt that she wanted to keep so she could sleep in it and remember him. The remainder of the family, all drunks, launched into a heated battle to keep her from having even that one shirt.
After my father died, I was able to do my best for him. I protected his second wife from the family, and gave her the entirety of the estate. She has three grown children who look after her, and an old lawyer friend of mine keeping an eye on things. Today I make it a point to attend the funerals of alcoholics, and be of whatever service I can to the survivors.
This is how I take action and do my best for my father. It is also how I am slowly learning how to forgive myself for being human, for being angry at the man who abused my mother, my brother, and pretty much everybody he came in contact with. I too am flawed, but unlike my father, I am learning how to overcome those flaws.
I am praying for your father, and for you. Someday you will find the relief I have found. I don't know what action you will take to help you forgive yourself. If you would like some ideas, just post again and we can toss some back and forth.
Mike
I lost my father to alcohlism the first week of July, a couple years ago. His brother, my uncle, died the next week. A week later it was their sister, my aunt. All died from the "complications" of alcoholism.
When my father died, I had not spoken to him in some 15 years. I had developed a deep, deep hatred towards him. When I was a child being raised by him I _wanted_ him dead with such a passionate hunger it overwhelmed me. My father quit drinking many times, with and without AA, but he never managed to find that "spiritual experience" they talk about.
I understand what you mean when you say you could have done more. I could have done more, but I didn't. Then again, I have no idea if my doing the utmost would have made any difference. Perhaps I am just a little bit in my own "codependency" when I think that way.
My father made me the executor of his will. I have no idea why. My father had a wife at the time of his death. His second wife as he was also married to my mother. My father was a bigamist. His second wife loved him in spite of all his "character defects", inspite of his being a bigamist.
His second wife wanted _nothing_ of his estate. Just one shirt that she wanted to keep so she could sleep in it and remember him. The remainder of the family, all drunks, launched into a heated battle to keep her from having even that one shirt.
After my father died, I was able to do my best for him. I protected his second wife from the family, and gave her the entirety of the estate. She has three grown children who look after her, and an old lawyer friend of mine keeping an eye on things. Today I make it a point to attend the funerals of alcoholics, and be of whatever service I can to the survivors.
This is how I take action and do my best for my father. It is also how I am slowly learning how to forgive myself for being human, for being angry at the man who abused my mother, my brother, and pretty much everybody he came in contact with. I too am flawed, but unlike my father, I am learning how to overcome those flaws.
I am praying for your father, and for you. Someday you will find the relief I have found. I don't know what action you will take to help you forgive yourself. If you would like some ideas, just post again and we can toss some back and forth.
Mike
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
Hi there darlin. I am so sorry you have to go through such a hard time.
I haven't got any wonderful wisdom for you on this. I just want you to know I am here, holding your hand.
I haven't got any wonderful wisdom for you on this. I just want you to know I am here, holding your hand.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
Dear Sweet Yellow
My heart goes out to you. Don't be hard on yourself. Your mother knew deep in her heart what love there is in yours for her. Your words and judgement came from pain.
I pray that your pain is eased and for peace to you and your mom.
My heart goes out to you. Don't be hard on yourself. Your mother knew deep in her heart what love there is in yours for her. Your words and judgement came from pain.
I pray that your pain is eased and for peace to you and your mom.
live 2 love, love 2 live
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: addison,Il
Posts: 18
Yellow,
I am so sorry for your loss and i'm sure that your mom knew that you loved her very much, I'm a mother to and belive me when my daughter says things to me i know that she does not mean them and that she says them out of anger, and i dont belive that your mom would want you to be upset with yourself .
we are all here for you in this time of need.
I am so sorry for your loss and i'm sure that your mom knew that you loved her very much, I'm a mother to and belive me when my daughter says things to me i know that she does not mean them and that she says them out of anger, and i dont belive that your mom would want you to be upset with yourself .
we are all here for you in this time of need.
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
(((Yellow)))) a lot of words and wisdom here-
Please keep coming back and posting-we are here for you...
I too am sure that your mother knows that you loved her very much, so try to believe in that and not feel any guilt.
It took me many years to over come the guilt that I had from not going to see my father for many years...
My father was an A and my mother who is not very well mentally divorced my father and then always filled our heads with terrible things about my father, that were not true-I grew up in my early years with my father and remember he was the one who tucked me in at night, gave me kisses, read me a book, bathed me when he was able too otherwise my sister or brothers did-never my Mom.(My Dad was a Doctor and not always home but was there to tuck me in at night)
I use to sit and go crazy in my head after the divorce and think that my mom was crazy how could she say these things about my father? When they divorced my father still sent me gifts, cards, phone calls everything-so what was she thinking I would say to myself? Then all of a sudden they stopped-and later on as I got older I called my Father one day-when I was 20 and engaged to be married-My father and I had conversations that astounded me-my mother stopped the mail, would not allow his phone calls-etc......I still had in the back of my head those things she said to me all those years and it made it still difficult to go and see my Dad which I wanted to so badly-when I finally got the courage up to do so a few years after my husband's death and after only three months of marriage to him-I put the band aid on to my codie self and temporarily stopped those demons in my head...my father had died right after I had made plans to go see him-I was blessed to know that he died loving me and that was a good feeling-
My mother however although she did these things out of anger towards my father. It has taken me a long time and I'm still working a bit on this-as Mom still can become out of control today-I have learned through recovery however that she did the best that she knew how to do with the hand that she was dealt. I love her although I do not like the things she does-and I know that at times I lash out at her (not as often as I use too) and stop talking to her for weeks at a time these are times that I know that I have the choice today not to engage in her tantrums and I walk away but, I do know that she loves me and she realizes more today the things she does and has done and even has apologized for most of them-
Sorry for the long post but, I want you to know as the other Mom's on here have stated and Dessert's astounding story that you were loved very deeply by your Mother-and she knew this. I'm also pretty sure she knew the reasons why you were angry with her-as she knew to a degree what she was doing to herself.
Hang in there sweets and please keep posting Thinking of you and sending healing and loving thoughts to you
Please keep coming back and posting-we are here for you...
I too am sure that your mother knows that you loved her very much, so try to believe in that and not feel any guilt.
It took me many years to over come the guilt that I had from not going to see my father for many years...
My father was an A and my mother who is not very well mentally divorced my father and then always filled our heads with terrible things about my father, that were not true-I grew up in my early years with my father and remember he was the one who tucked me in at night, gave me kisses, read me a book, bathed me when he was able too otherwise my sister or brothers did-never my Mom.(My Dad was a Doctor and not always home but was there to tuck me in at night)
I use to sit and go crazy in my head after the divorce and think that my mom was crazy how could she say these things about my father? When they divorced my father still sent me gifts, cards, phone calls everything-so what was she thinking I would say to myself? Then all of a sudden they stopped-and later on as I got older I called my Father one day-when I was 20 and engaged to be married-My father and I had conversations that astounded me-my mother stopped the mail, would not allow his phone calls-etc......I still had in the back of my head those things she said to me all those years and it made it still difficult to go and see my Dad which I wanted to so badly-when I finally got the courage up to do so a few years after my husband's death and after only three months of marriage to him-I put the band aid on to my codie self and temporarily stopped those demons in my head...my father had died right after I had made plans to go see him-I was blessed to know that he died loving me and that was a good feeling-
My mother however although she did these things out of anger towards my father. It has taken me a long time and I'm still working a bit on this-as Mom still can become out of control today-I have learned through recovery however that she did the best that she knew how to do with the hand that she was dealt. I love her although I do not like the things she does-and I know that at times I lash out at her (not as often as I use too) and stop talking to her for weeks at a time these are times that I know that I have the choice today not to engage in her tantrums and I walk away but, I do know that she loves me and she realizes more today the things she does and has done and even has apologized for most of them-
Sorry for the long post but, I want you to know as the other Mom's on here have stated and Dessert's astounding story that you were loved very deeply by your Mother-and she knew this. I'm also pretty sure she knew the reasons why you were angry with her-as she knew to a degree what she was doing to herself.
Hang in there sweets and please keep posting Thinking of you and sending healing and loving thoughts to you
Last edited by Rella927; 12-19-2007 at 07:36 AM.
Progress Not Perfection
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: "Further up and further in!"---C.S. Lewis
Posts: 563
((((Yellow))))
I lost my father to this disease.
I understand that you feel guilty, I did too.
Today, I have forgiven myself of my actions in the past regarding him.
My Dad made a choice and he chose alcohol over everything else in his life.
It was easier to beat myself up than to accept the above fact.
I pray you forgive yourself...one day at a time..one hour...one minute..Don't give up on you or us.
*ALL* of my love to you Yellow, you are my family,
Growing
I lost my father to this disease.
I understand that you feel guilty, I did too.
Today, I have forgiven myself of my actions in the past regarding him.
My Dad made a choice and he chose alcohol over everything else in his life.
It was easier to beat myself up than to accept the above fact.
I pray you forgive yourself...one day at a time..one hour...one minute..Don't give up on you or us.
*ALL* of my love to you Yellow, you are my family,
Growing
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
(((((Yellow))))))
I am truly sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine how you must feel about it. I can be reasonaly sure your mom would not want you to feel like this is your fault
Take good care
I am truly sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine how you must feel about it. I can be reasonaly sure your mom would not want you to feel like this is your fault
Take good care
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: West End, NC
Posts: 10
Thank You!!
Wow! I had no idea that I would get so many comforting messages from so many of you. I feel better knowing that I am not alone. It is easier talking to those with similar experiences.
I am trying to stop playing all the angry/frustrated conversations in my head, but they are triggered during parts of my day. I miss her, but I am relieved to be relieved from the worry. I always worried about her, and now I don't have her to worry about anymore. For years, I rode on an emotional roller-coaster with my mother and became numb to her flaws.
One thing I didn't state in my first post is that my mom did try to get help near where I live, but I thought it was a decision that wasn't thought out so I told her no. I remembered her trying in the same facility before, and she always relapsed. I told her that if she wanted to get sober, she could get sober anywhere. If I would have supported her, then maybe she would be in treatment right now and alive.
There I go again--STOP! I also realize that I had trust issues and I seemed to expect the worse and only hope for the best. Honestly, I couldn't handle it. It was too painful for me to put myself out there. I told my pastor that I pushed my mother away, but he said, " No, your mother's disease pushed you away." He is right. I wanted her healthy and happy and reacted by saying negative things only because everything that came out of my mother's mouth was negative.
I craved normalcy and freedom from sickly phone calls and drunken messages. I didn't know what to do anymore, so I just stopped doing anything. I did tons when she was sober, but as soon as I'd find out she drank, I would get so frustrated or just shut off.
It is nice to be able to talk about it. Thank you so much for listening and understanding. If anyone has gone through something similar, please reply. God Bless!
I am trying to stop playing all the angry/frustrated conversations in my head, but they are triggered during parts of my day. I miss her, but I am relieved to be relieved from the worry. I always worried about her, and now I don't have her to worry about anymore. For years, I rode on an emotional roller-coaster with my mother and became numb to her flaws.
One thing I didn't state in my first post is that my mom did try to get help near where I live, but I thought it was a decision that wasn't thought out so I told her no. I remembered her trying in the same facility before, and she always relapsed. I told her that if she wanted to get sober, she could get sober anywhere. If I would have supported her, then maybe she would be in treatment right now and alive.
There I go again--STOP! I also realize that I had trust issues and I seemed to expect the worse and only hope for the best. Honestly, I couldn't handle it. It was too painful for me to put myself out there. I told my pastor that I pushed my mother away, but he said, " No, your mother's disease pushed you away." He is right. I wanted her healthy and happy and reacted by saying negative things only because everything that came out of my mother's mouth was negative.
I craved normalcy and freedom from sickly phone calls and drunken messages. I didn't know what to do anymore, so I just stopped doing anything. I did tons when she was sober, but as soon as I'd find out she drank, I would get so frustrated or just shut off.
It is nice to be able to talk about it. Thank you so much for listening and understanding. If anyone has gone through something similar, please reply. God Bless!
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
Honey, you did what you had to do at the time. Listen to your pastor. It was the disease that pushed you away.
It pushed me away from my mom for over 20 years. She sobered up but the damage had been done and I continued to stay away.
She's sober 30 years, but still has many things about her that I dont' want to deal with.
It was not your fault, any of it.
It pushed me away from my mom for over 20 years. She sobered up but the damage had been done and I continued to stay away.
She's sober 30 years, but still has many things about her that I dont' want to deal with.
It was not your fault, any of it.
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