Reparenting the inner child
Love Addict and Alcoholic
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: California
Posts: 140
Reparenting the inner child
Does anyone do inner child work?
I was growing up I was very headstrong. It was difficult for my parents to discipline me, so they gave up trying. Interestingly enough, this lack of discipline made me feel unloved. I remember wishing I had some of the restrictions that my friends moaned and groaned about. As an adult, I was introduced to the concept of self-parenting (or reparenting) in a support group. Self-parenting is a therapeutic approach to healing the wounds of our childhood. It is an attempt to give ourselves now what we did not get as children.
The “inner child” is a term adopted from a concept introduced by Eric Berne in his book, The Games People Play: The Psychology of Human Relationships. In his book, Berne introduces the world to Transactional Analyses, a revolutionary new way of looking at the human psyche. Later Thomas Harris in his book, I’m OK, You’re OK, popularized this idea. The child ego state eventually became the “inner child,” which in turn led to a series of popular books: Hugh Missildine’s Your Inner Child of the Past; Charles Whitfield’s Healing the Child Within; John Bradshaw’s Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child; Philip Oliver-Diaz and Patricia O’Gorman’s Twelve Steps to Self Parenting; and Cathryn Taylor’s The Inner Workbook: What to Do With Your Past When it Won’t Go Away, just to name a few. Over the years the concept of the inner child has been both applauded and trivialized, but it is still an important tool to help us finally grow beyond an arrested state of development.
When I first heard about self-parenting, I was excited about what it offered. I recognized that part of my personality that embodied an emotionally undeveloped little girl who felt unloved and ashamed of herself. Up to this point I had never really had a concept of myself this way. I had been told by my friends that I could “act like a child” and I knew that I was wounded, but it never occurred to me that I could heal this part of myself by getting to know my inner child. Suddenly I was excited about giving my inner child the love and benevolent discipline that she had been denied years before. I also knew that loving my inner child would help me focus on changing myself rather than trying to change others.
I met my inner child in an unprogrammed meditation. I got into a comfortable position and closed my eyes. Then I let my mind wander until my little girl appeared to me. In my meditation we were in a park together. She had an angry expression on her face, but I could sense the pain and sadness that lay beneath her anger. I called to her, but at first she refused to come near me. Eventually, however, she slowly walked toward me. When she was finally close to me, I reached out and stroked her hair. She immediately broke down and cried. I took her in my arms and began rocking her back and forth. I reassured her. I told her I was here to be her mother. I promised to give her everything that she needed to feel loved and safe. Since then, I’ve continued to develop a relationship with my inner child as a way of learning to love myself. Today, this relationship is threefold: I love and comfort my little girl (Susie); I set limits with her; and we play together. As a result, she has, for the most part, stopped acting out, and her pain no longer permeates my life. She is content and no longer needs mood-altering experiences to anesthetize her pain. Most of all, my self-parenting has helped me grow up, and this maturation has paved the way for other changes.
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I was growing up I was very headstrong. It was difficult for my parents to discipline me, so they gave up trying. Interestingly enough, this lack of discipline made me feel unloved. I remember wishing I had some of the restrictions that my friends moaned and groaned about. As an adult, I was introduced to the concept of self-parenting (or reparenting) in a support group. Self-parenting is a therapeutic approach to healing the wounds of our childhood. It is an attempt to give ourselves now what we did not get as children.
The “inner child” is a term adopted from a concept introduced by Eric Berne in his book, The Games People Play: The Psychology of Human Relationships. In his book, Berne introduces the world to Transactional Analyses, a revolutionary new way of looking at the human psyche. Later Thomas Harris in his book, I’m OK, You’re OK, popularized this idea. The child ego state eventually became the “inner child,” which in turn led to a series of popular books: Hugh Missildine’s Your Inner Child of the Past; Charles Whitfield’s Healing the Child Within; John Bradshaw’s Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child; Philip Oliver-Diaz and Patricia O’Gorman’s Twelve Steps to Self Parenting; and Cathryn Taylor’s The Inner Workbook: What to Do With Your Past When it Won’t Go Away, just to name a few. Over the years the concept of the inner child has been both applauded and trivialized, but it is still an important tool to help us finally grow beyond an arrested state of development.
When I first heard about self-parenting, I was excited about what it offered. I recognized that part of my personality that embodied an emotionally undeveloped little girl who felt unloved and ashamed of herself. Up to this point I had never really had a concept of myself this way. I had been told by my friends that I could “act like a child” and I knew that I was wounded, but it never occurred to me that I could heal this part of myself by getting to know my inner child. Suddenly I was excited about giving my inner child the love and benevolent discipline that she had been denied years before. I also knew that loving my inner child would help me focus on changing myself rather than trying to change others.
I met my inner child in an unprogrammed meditation. I got into a comfortable position and closed my eyes. Then I let my mind wander until my little girl appeared to me. In my meditation we were in a park together. She had an angry expression on her face, but I could sense the pain and sadness that lay beneath her anger. I called to her, but at first she refused to come near me. Eventually, however, she slowly walked toward me. When she was finally close to me, I reached out and stroked her hair. She immediately broke down and cried. I took her in my arms and began rocking her back and forth. I reassured her. I told her I was here to be her mother. I promised to give her everything that she needed to feel loved and safe. Since then, I’ve continued to develop a relationship with my inner child as a way of learning to love myself. Today, this relationship is threefold: I love and comfort my little girl (Susie); I set limits with her; and we play together. As a result, she has, for the most part, stopped acting out, and her pain no longer permeates my life. She is content and no longer needs mood-altering experiences to anesthetize her pain. Most of all, my self-parenting has helped me grow up, and this maturation has paved the way for other changes.
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Life the gift of recovery!
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
I have heard of the inner child work. I even had a therapist attempt to get me in contact with my inner child. It is something that I am sure is a great tool for some unfortunately it was not a concept I was able to utilize. Sounds like it is very helpful to you.
Love Addict and Alcoholic
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: California
Posts: 140
The Eternal Child Within
Originally Posted by nandm 
I have heard of the inner child work. I even had a therapist attempt to get me in contact with my inner child. It is something that I am sure is a great tool for some unfortunately it was not a concept I was able to utilize. Sounds like it is very helpful to you.
The Eternal Child Within
You came to me one day,
Mysterious and old.
We spoke of your childhood –
Of the wind that blew cold
Across your path
In the winter of despair;
When you felt so alone
As if God wasn't there.
Then we played together
In the dim candlelight.
You were so happy,
All aglow with delight,
To have found your way home
To the one you adored.
Shown the way, of course,
By our savior the Lord.
Now, my dear child,
My tender soul,
You bring me such joy.
With you I am whole.
For I am nothing
Without all my parts;
Without the sweet voice
Of my child's tender heart.
:ghug2
Life the gift of recovery!
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
I too was not intending my post to come across negative. I have seen the inner child concept work in others and believe it can be a very useful tool for those that can "accept" (for lack of a better word) it. I struggle with just dealing with simple feelings as I became quite detached during my childhood. I was so separated that while the abuse was happening in my mind I was up in a corner of the room just watching what was going on like it was happening to someone else. Today I actually do feel emotion but am still struggling to learn to recognize them and not run from them or stuff them when I feel them. I actually think my emotional recovery would probably move faster if I could apply the inner child concept to myself. But such is life today. Tomorrow is a new day and I am always open to trying new and revisiting old ideas. Thanks.:ghug2
Great poem. Thank you for your post.
Great poem. Thank you for your post.
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: seattle
Posts: 468
Originally Posted by Butterflywoman
The “inner child” is a term adopted from a concept introduced by Eric Berne in his book, The Games People Play: The Psychology of Human Relationships. In his book, Berne introduces the world to Transactional Analyses, a revolutionary new way of looking at the human psyche.
8
8Hey, I was exposed to TA as a child... Remember the warm fuzzy/cold prickely characters from the childrens book? I think it is called TA for tots. It was popular in the 70's when i was a child.
Oh, also, i'd like to comment about having a certain type of "undiscipline" in my upbringing. I have at various times in my life noticed what you describe. Feelings of being unloved, or less than... Usualy in times of insecurity or extreme difficulty. Some of this is a result of my fears, basicly not getting what i want; or loosing what i think ive got. Sometimes ive been paralized, othertimes i've made ineffective decisions, for years i drank and drugged. Not drinking, this stuff rears its head. I've been very fortunate to get another chance in life, and living instructions offered in the steps. A deep fears inventory, and a newly discovered faith and spirituality, and that old "be a warm fuzzy rather then a cold prickely" have eased my growing pains and kept my on a decent path should i choose to be.
well, enough said for now. But i appreciate the topic of your thread, thanks for sharing.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Boston MA
Posts: 190
My inner child is a deadly thing, not to be played with.
The program of AA spanked my inner child and put it to bed ,
then it introduced me to my inner ADULT.
"when I was a child I thought like a child....."
Corrintheans.
The program of AA spanked my inner child and put it to bed ,
then it introduced me to my inner ADULT.
"when I was a child I thought like a child....."
Corrintheans.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
The inner child concept isn't usually used as a negative or pejorative sense is
it ?
As I understand it (and I admit my knowledge is limited) it derives from the psychology school that contends that the traumas inflicted in childhood impact upon the adult, especially the addicted adult.
To help the adult heal, the inner child must also be healed nurtured and loved.
It's not a view I fully subscribe to (maybe it's because I'm a nasty gruff ol' male
), but I have a certain sympathy for it, and it certainly seems useful in many cases.
Thanks Butterflywoman
it ?
As I understand it (and I admit my knowledge is limited) it derives from the psychology school that contends that the traumas inflicted in childhood impact upon the adult, especially the addicted adult.
To help the adult heal, the inner child must also be healed nurtured and loved.
It's not a view I fully subscribe to (maybe it's because I'm a nasty gruff ol' male
), but I have a certain sympathy for it, and it certainly seems useful in many cases.Thanks Butterflywoman
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Boston MA
Posts: 190
"To help the adult heal, the inner child must also be healed nurtured and loved.
"
that why they don't have an answer, they don't even know the problem.
Focusing on self esteem when the problem is self is a further example of ones own insanity.
"
that why they don't have an answer, they don't even know the problem.
Focusing on self esteem when the problem is self is a further example of ones own insanity.
Love Addict and Alcoholic
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: California
Posts: 140
Integration
I just wanted to add that is important to recognize that the "inner child" is us. She must be integrated. At first I wanted her to be a separate person so I could blame her for my immaturity, but now I know she is me. I disassociate so I have to be careful. I just know there is a part of me that is still 4 years old emotionally and I can go there easily. I also have a 12 inner child who personifies my rage. But we are all one person. Different apples on the same tree. I don't see transactional analysis as something for everyone. It was just the way I learned to own my past pain. After posting this yesterday, I went (in a fantasy) to where I grew up as a child. Susie ran out the front door to play with me. (This is healthy integration.) But then when I was not looking she ran away and went back in the house with my parents and would not come out. This tells me that I am still clinging to the past. I will have to work on that.
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8
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"healing the inner Child" [I forget the author] is a terrific book/work book .
However it is not wise to do such work alone if you have had a tumultuous chilodhood.
I was blessed that my first sponsor encouraged me to do such work and got me in touch with a therapist that works with recovering addicts and alcoholics and one that was trudging this journey with us herself.
It is wise when finding a therapist that the first appointment be like an interview..go in with specific questions and do some research on that person .. It was suggested to me to not rescedule the next appointment until I went home and thought about the interview and prayed and wrote about it. As in the Big Book...asking for the next right action or intuitive thought.. I was so blessed to be given these suggestions. Prior to that i had had some horrific expereinces with thereapists.. My sponosr shoed me this
The.....Rapist....put it together and you see the word therapist. Therefore it is wise to procedcx with caution and ask a grewat many questions before revealing too much.
There isd also another form of thereapy and I wish i could recall the name of it...but it was so many years agao.. The thereapist did not need the stroy to work with me.. I had so many black holes in my memory bank... She did a meditaion then asked permission to touch me.. in the meditaion she drummed on the cvarious chakras. It was such an incredible expereiince. She unblocked the steel doors trapping those memories. It took a few sessions for me to feel comfoprtable then only a few sessions to actually do the work. It was not necessary to make a commitment to keep on paying her yearly dies, taxes and club membership at the golf retreat. many thereapists do in fact attempt to not only toy with a person's emotions but also strings them along for a very long time...justy for the money... another reasion for "interviewing' in advnace then pay attention to what your heart and your gut tells you. If you have difficulty, like I did ..trusting your gut and your intuition.then talk it over with a trusted confidante like your sponosr or another person who has dealt with such issues. When my sponosr was stumped she would ask my permission to ask another person for asssitance or input that helped me not only in that Imy respect and trust for her grew but also it reinforced the importance word of step one "WE" ...
She would seek others assistance without mentioning my name but would say "Someone I am working with"...yet woudl still have the courtesy and respect to ask my permission to ask another person.
Hope this helps
However it is not wise to do such work alone if you have had a tumultuous chilodhood.
I was blessed that my first sponsor encouraged me to do such work and got me in touch with a therapist that works with recovering addicts and alcoholics and one that was trudging this journey with us herself.
It is wise when finding a therapist that the first appointment be like an interview..go in with specific questions and do some research on that person .. It was suggested to me to not rescedule the next appointment until I went home and thought about the interview and prayed and wrote about it. As in the Big Book...asking for the next right action or intuitive thought.. I was so blessed to be given these suggestions. Prior to that i had had some horrific expereinces with thereapists.. My sponosr shoed me this
The.....Rapist....put it together and you see the word therapist. Therefore it is wise to procedcx with caution and ask a grewat many questions before revealing too much.
There isd also another form of thereapy and I wish i could recall the name of it...but it was so many years agao.. The thereapist did not need the stroy to work with me.. I had so many black holes in my memory bank... She did a meditaion then asked permission to touch me.. in the meditaion she drummed on the cvarious chakras. It was such an incredible expereiince. She unblocked the steel doors trapping those memories. It took a few sessions for me to feel comfoprtable then only a few sessions to actually do the work. It was not necessary to make a commitment to keep on paying her yearly dies, taxes and club membership at the golf retreat. many thereapists do in fact attempt to not only toy with a person's emotions but also strings them along for a very long time...justy for the money... another reasion for "interviewing' in advnace then pay attention to what your heart and your gut tells you. If you have difficulty, like I did ..trusting your gut and your intuition.then talk it over with a trusted confidante like your sponosr or another person who has dealt with such issues. When my sponosr was stumped she would ask my permission to ask another person for asssitance or input that helped me not only in that Imy respect and trust for her grew but also it reinforced the importance word of step one "WE" ...
She would seek others assistance without mentioning my name but would say "Someone I am working with"...yet woudl still have the courtesy and respect to ask my permission to ask another person.
Hope this helps
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Posts: 1
I am the editor of a recovery magazine. Our Fall issue will include articles on the inner child work. I did this kind of work myself in the 80's and used it in my work as a therapist. I found it very effective personally and professionally. While some therapies are fads, this one keeps coming back because it really does work. I agree with others who say, don't do it alone. It is best done with a trained professional.
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