Questions about recovery
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Northwest
Posts: 23
Questions about recovery
I hope this is the right place to post. I just had some questions on my AH's recovery. Warning, this will probably be long and meandering. I hope you'll bear with me.
He recently spent 54 days in a treatment center and has been home for 21, so 75 days sober - great! But it's been a little... strange... here. When he first came home, he was moody, said he couldn't talk to me because I 'didn't understand' and was in contact with his rehab friends constantly. Said he couldn't relate to anyone that wasn't an addict. I had no problems with that and just tried to stay out of his hair. Anytime I tried to relate to him on any level that I COULD understand, I just got shot down ('oh, that's not even the same thing, you have no idea, etc.). So I stopped making comments, but then he seemed to get upset when I didn't really say anything.
I knew he wasn't going to come home all perfect and a new man. I knew it was going to be a struggle for him, considering he almost died when he was detoxing. Considering that they were surprised that he was still alive and that had he continued the way he was going, he would have been dead within the next year.
I wasn't able to go to the spouse program the center offers because we have a 3 year old at home and no one else to look after her for a week. So I spend time online and forums like this. I can't get to Al-Anon meetings as, well, there aren't very many and my AH usually has the truck so I'm stuck home. Also - the 3 year old. So again, spend some time on Al-Anon online forums. They have been a godsend.
And yet, I'm just not sure if I'm doing the right thing here. I've been going on with life, taking care of me and my daughter and the household and dinners and work and finances and my hobbies (which luckily I can do at home) - all the stuff I've always done. I listen when he talks, which lately is usually about how great things are at work. On the occasion, he'll read to me from the BB or his daily meditations (which I have been reading myself) and I listen. I can't offer advice so I don't. I do, on occasion, ask him about how his maintenance program is going (he's falling behind on some of the tasks) but then feel guilty because he knows where he's at and doesn't need me to remind him. I just see him acting the same way he was before, only now he's sober and I guess I feel the need to give him a little 'push'. Not that it makes a bit of difference, so I've been really trying to bite my tongue. I'm supposed to let him take care of him, or am I? I offer suggestions to friends when they are going through troubling times, but am I not supposed to offer the same suggestions to him?
I look at his maintenance program and he's not following through with most of the items (3 AA meetings/week (he only went to one last week), finding a sponsor (hasn't yet), continuing with his Step work - he finished Step 5 at the center but that's been it, cleaning up after himself (ha!), etc.). He has been going to his weekly monitoring and conversing with his friends on a daily basis and working out, so he is doing something. He's lost a bunch of weight and feels really good about the way he looks. Work is cutting into his time - he's been working 11 hour days occasionally, so I know that has something to do with it.
He actually said on one occasion that he wished I was an addict so I could understand. He says he's not ready to work on our relationship yet because his sobriety comes first. I wholeheartedly agree and don't pressure him to take care of me (although after so many years of neglect, it will be nice). I realize that he's just trying to stay alive right now and my marriage needs will have to be put on the backburner. Is that right?
He accused me at one point in the beginning that I was just carrying on as though 'nothing had happened'. Well, what am I supposed to do? Rehash the past? What good would that do? He did his Step 4, he knows what he's done. I hold no resentment (okay, maybe a teensy bit on occasion, but I get over it). I'm happy with life, or at least, I try daily to be. I am grateful. I just wish he could find the same. I know he's struggling and I know (think?) that there's really nothing I can do for him.
We take each day as it comes. We're polite. There is little to no affection whatsoever. No sex (hasn't been for, oh, half a year now? as he was drunk every day) although he does hint at it every so often (is it wrong of me to start a little slower? because I'm not ready for sex yet - I don't even know who he is and would like us to get to know each other again first). He's emotionally flat, except when our daughter or his friends are involved. When they call, his face lights up, his voice is animated. I don't get that for me. I asked him at one point if he even likes me! because he sure wasn't acting like it. More like he was tolerating me. But he said he loves me (or he thinks he loves me) and I dropped it. I don't want to be a harpy while he's got so much else on his mind.
I don't really know where I'm going with this. I guess I just want to know if I should be doing more or if I should continue letting him do his thing, stay out of his hair and hope that our marriage is strong enough to wait to be worked on at a later date. Our 14th anniversary is coming up next month, as is Christmas, and I have no idea what to expect from him for either. It's just weird and I need to know that I'm on the right track. I usually read through the forums but rarely post, so I'm putting this out there now so I can let it go!
If you made it this far - thanks so much!
Rock
He recently spent 54 days in a treatment center and has been home for 21, so 75 days sober - great! But it's been a little... strange... here. When he first came home, he was moody, said he couldn't talk to me because I 'didn't understand' and was in contact with his rehab friends constantly. Said he couldn't relate to anyone that wasn't an addict. I had no problems with that and just tried to stay out of his hair. Anytime I tried to relate to him on any level that I COULD understand, I just got shot down ('oh, that's not even the same thing, you have no idea, etc.). So I stopped making comments, but then he seemed to get upset when I didn't really say anything.
I knew he wasn't going to come home all perfect and a new man. I knew it was going to be a struggle for him, considering he almost died when he was detoxing. Considering that they were surprised that he was still alive and that had he continued the way he was going, he would have been dead within the next year.
I wasn't able to go to the spouse program the center offers because we have a 3 year old at home and no one else to look after her for a week. So I spend time online and forums like this. I can't get to Al-Anon meetings as, well, there aren't very many and my AH usually has the truck so I'm stuck home. Also - the 3 year old. So again, spend some time on Al-Anon online forums. They have been a godsend.
And yet, I'm just not sure if I'm doing the right thing here. I've been going on with life, taking care of me and my daughter and the household and dinners and work and finances and my hobbies (which luckily I can do at home) - all the stuff I've always done. I listen when he talks, which lately is usually about how great things are at work. On the occasion, he'll read to me from the BB or his daily meditations (which I have been reading myself) and I listen. I can't offer advice so I don't. I do, on occasion, ask him about how his maintenance program is going (he's falling behind on some of the tasks) but then feel guilty because he knows where he's at and doesn't need me to remind him. I just see him acting the same way he was before, only now he's sober and I guess I feel the need to give him a little 'push'. Not that it makes a bit of difference, so I've been really trying to bite my tongue. I'm supposed to let him take care of him, or am I? I offer suggestions to friends when they are going through troubling times, but am I not supposed to offer the same suggestions to him?
I look at his maintenance program and he's not following through with most of the items (3 AA meetings/week (he only went to one last week), finding a sponsor (hasn't yet), continuing with his Step work - he finished Step 5 at the center but that's been it, cleaning up after himself (ha!), etc.). He has been going to his weekly monitoring and conversing with his friends on a daily basis and working out, so he is doing something. He's lost a bunch of weight and feels really good about the way he looks. Work is cutting into his time - he's been working 11 hour days occasionally, so I know that has something to do with it.
He actually said on one occasion that he wished I was an addict so I could understand. He says he's not ready to work on our relationship yet because his sobriety comes first. I wholeheartedly agree and don't pressure him to take care of me (although after so many years of neglect, it will be nice). I realize that he's just trying to stay alive right now and my marriage needs will have to be put on the backburner. Is that right?
He accused me at one point in the beginning that I was just carrying on as though 'nothing had happened'. Well, what am I supposed to do? Rehash the past? What good would that do? He did his Step 4, he knows what he's done. I hold no resentment (okay, maybe a teensy bit on occasion, but I get over it). I'm happy with life, or at least, I try daily to be. I am grateful. I just wish he could find the same. I know he's struggling and I know (think?) that there's really nothing I can do for him.
We take each day as it comes. We're polite. There is little to no affection whatsoever. No sex (hasn't been for, oh, half a year now? as he was drunk every day) although he does hint at it every so often (is it wrong of me to start a little slower? because I'm not ready for sex yet - I don't even know who he is and would like us to get to know each other again first). He's emotionally flat, except when our daughter or his friends are involved. When they call, his face lights up, his voice is animated. I don't get that for me. I asked him at one point if he even likes me! because he sure wasn't acting like it. More like he was tolerating me. But he said he loves me (or he thinks he loves me) and I dropped it. I don't want to be a harpy while he's got so much else on his mind.
I don't really know where I'm going with this. I guess I just want to know if I should be doing more or if I should continue letting him do his thing, stay out of his hair and hope that our marriage is strong enough to wait to be worked on at a later date. Our 14th anniversary is coming up next month, as is Christmas, and I have no idea what to expect from him for either. It's just weird and I need to know that I'm on the right track. I usually read through the forums but rarely post, so I'm putting this out there now so I can let it go!
If you made it this far - thanks so much!
Rock
Life the gift of recovery!
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
A great place for you to get answers and connect with people in a similiar situation is on this site, the friends and family forum.
I can not judge how someone is working their program of recovery as we all work at different paces. I do know that I experienced a time in early recovery where my head was spinning so much it was all I could do to just hold on let alone try and deal with my family. I know I hurt my family during this time. Fortunatly, in the long run we have a better relationship now than we ever had.
You also might try reading the chapter "To Wives" in the Big Book. It was written for people in your position.
Take care and glad you found SR
Judith
I can not judge how someone is working their program of recovery as we all work at different paces. I do know that I experienced a time in early recovery where my head was spinning so much it was all I could do to just hold on let alone try and deal with my family. I know I hurt my family during this time. Fortunatly, in the long run we have a better relationship now than we ever had.
You also might try reading the chapter "To Wives" in the Big Book. It was written for people in your position.
Take care and glad you found SR
Judith
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Upper Kolobia
Posts: 153
As You Note, The On-line Al-Anon has Been a Godsend . . .
And I'm wondering if you might find a way to get to some local meetings. I can't imagine a three-year old not being welcome, or at least a baby-sitter available for that short of time. I can also tell you that for at least a year or two I was delighted to chauffeur someone else--another guy--to my regular Al-Anon meeing . . . He was also an adult-child-of-alcoholics (ACOA) so I got a lot of perspective on those dynamics as well (disease skipped a generation in my family, but the damage was there, hidden).
Our "relapses into codependency" come from focusing on the "recovering other" rather than ourselves, and I can easily see myself slipping into that emotional cesspool you appear to be "thinking" yourself into . . . So, as I see it, some action is called for (and coming here counts as an action, so give yourself some credit). The disease is one of isolation, which warps our perspective, so I'm also wondering if you can't build yourself a support system (doesn't have to be other codependents entirely although that is often helpful). This would benefit you and your child as well.
Yeah, you're in for a roller coaster ride, and right now, it's really early sobriety, and we're cautioned against making major decisions for a reasonable period after sobriety happens. When I sponsor someone in AA (I'm a double winner), I have a photo-copy of an AA Grapevine article titled "How to Stay Married Though Sober." If you can find a copy (it's reprinted periodically), I think it's awesome. I'd have you PM me and I'd be happy to send you a copy as a holiday greeting, but I just moved and all my stuff is in storage.
Keep sharing and try to keep the focus on yourself . . .
Our "relapses into codependency" come from focusing on the "recovering other" rather than ourselves, and I can easily see myself slipping into that emotional cesspool you appear to be "thinking" yourself into . . . So, as I see it, some action is called for (and coming here counts as an action, so give yourself some credit). The disease is one of isolation, which warps our perspective, so I'm also wondering if you can't build yourself a support system (doesn't have to be other codependents entirely although that is often helpful). This would benefit you and your child as well.
Yeah, you're in for a roller coaster ride, and right now, it's really early sobriety, and we're cautioned against making major decisions for a reasonable period after sobriety happens. When I sponsor someone in AA (I'm a double winner), I have a photo-copy of an AA Grapevine article titled "How to Stay Married Though Sober." If you can find a copy (it's reprinted periodically), I think it's awesome. I'd have you PM me and I'd be happy to send you a copy as a holiday greeting, but I just moved and all my stuff is in storage.
Keep sharing and try to keep the focus on yourself . . .
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
Yes please get help for you...
He went into treatment...you need it also.
Unfortunately at the moment they're no treament centers
for family members. Living with an alcoholic effect you.
Think of it as second smoking..no you didn't get drunk.
But you were effected mentally, emotional, and spiritaully
Sometimes the spouse suffers more becase simple they
weren't numb out, buzz, or drunk through it all.
The spouse feels and sees everything and it's bit truamatic
at the very least.
Changes is hard on everyone.
Your AH is not totally clear headed at the moment.
He is an addict..it's just wordings. obsessive, complusive
personalities. He got addicted to alcohol...and there just
a lot of treament centers talk..remember he was living with
people that wasn't totally will all those times too.
90 days wonders most people term newbies.
If he reads the AA BB he'll realize that he should apply
the 12 steps at home more than he dose in a meeting.
He can't relate to simply you becuase he's not communicating
with you...You are both human beings, surely you both
have something in common.
Just him not drinking is going to solve all of your problems.
It gives you an opportunity.
Recovery is a life time process. You can work the step
over and over again. As a relationship changes and hopefully
grows as times gose by
I'm ACOA. Alcoholism has effected me in ways i couldn't grasp
or understood. It wasn't as if i was educated on such matters.
Growing up in a such an eviorment I learned survived skills
and didn't process my emotions...always trying to please my
father or stay clam or walk on eggshell..not knowning how
my father will react from day to day..drunk or not.
There're bascailly codependency behaviors.
No I don't act like every codependent..but generally I'm a garden
veriety codi.
I'm also an AA member becuase i used and abused alcohol myself.
The very thing i hate of my father. I came into recovery at 22,
16 years ago. Just within the past 3 years I've been able to face
my co-dependendcy. My gf has similar traits as my father or she
treats me as my fahter would. she might not think so..but it feels the
same to me. I love my father and my gf very, very much..but
It's been a long hard journey and process..but my life is not over yet.
He went into treatment...you need it also.
Unfortunately at the moment they're no treament centers
for family members. Living with an alcoholic effect you.
Think of it as second smoking..no you didn't get drunk.
But you were effected mentally, emotional, and spiritaully
Sometimes the spouse suffers more becase simple they
weren't numb out, buzz, or drunk through it all.
The spouse feels and sees everything and it's bit truamatic
at the very least.
Changes is hard on everyone.
Your AH is not totally clear headed at the moment.
He is an addict..it's just wordings. obsessive, complusive
personalities. He got addicted to alcohol...and there just
a lot of treament centers talk..remember he was living with
people that wasn't totally will all those times too.
90 days wonders most people term newbies.
If he reads the AA BB he'll realize that he should apply
the 12 steps at home more than he dose in a meeting.
He can't relate to simply you becuase he's not communicating
with you...You are both human beings, surely you both
have something in common.
Just him not drinking is going to solve all of your problems.
It gives you an opportunity.
Recovery is a life time process. You can work the step
over and over again. As a relationship changes and hopefully
grows as times gose by
I'm ACOA. Alcoholism has effected me in ways i couldn't grasp
or understood. It wasn't as if i was educated on such matters.
Growing up in a such an eviorment I learned survived skills
and didn't process my emotions...always trying to please my
father or stay clam or walk on eggshell..not knowning how
my father will react from day to day..drunk or not.
There're bascailly codependency behaviors.
No I don't act like every codependent..but generally I'm a garden
veriety codi.
I'm also an AA member becuase i used and abused alcohol myself.
The very thing i hate of my father. I came into recovery at 22,
16 years ago. Just within the past 3 years I've been able to face
my co-dependendcy. My gf has similar traits as my father or she
treats me as my fahter would. she might not think so..but it feels the
same to me. I love my father and my gf very, very much..but
It's been a long hard journey and process..but my life is not over yet.
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