DJBucs2005

This has been a problem I've had with my brother and father for some years now. I am now 21--my brother is 25 and is still living at home and going to college. My mother also lives at home.

My main problem is my brother who is overcritical of things I do. I suppose each individual thing he does isn't so bad. It's the cumulative impact it has on my mental state and anxiety though. I also have some depression and also AD/HD.

The tone and abruptness of his voice, paired up with the insignificant things he worries about, both pertaining to myself and others, gets to me. I try to ignore it, but it doesn't seem to have much impact on myself or him.

I find it hard to establish a real relationship with him because he just is not someone I like a great deal--he is always negative. However, to be fair, I am afraid to say this, but I think our father's alcoholism has had some impact on his emotional development and also mine too, and one another forming relationships and handling stress. We have never had a relationship. When we were younger, our relationship consisted of playing games in the basement or annoying each other. I swear--and I'm sure we have not been the only two brothers--but our relationship seemed to consist of this cycle. One of us would be minding our own business and in a decent mood. The other would look to be getting that "high", so to speak, by annoying the other. Then, the affective states would switch, and go back and forth. I noticed this pattern stopped when he started working two jobs, several summers ago. I hardly saw him. We didn't even have any interaction and I didn't even have the chance to reciprocate. Now, it seems like I'm always the one that is the bystander, and he is always the one who is being annoying. I swear, it's like he is still a 12 year old stuck in a 25 year old's body. I bet he has the emotional IQ of a 13 year old.

I also think all three of us (my dad, brother and I) have varying degrees of disposition to depression, and when greatly stressed, we do not deal with it properly.

Having an alcoholic in the family tends to really break up the family unity. At dinner, talking as a kid was not something I wanted to do--one because my father was overcritical and two, because he was usually drinking and would make--to say it bluntly--stupid and unintelligent and often inaccurate and/or exagerrated comments. It seems like there was usually a tradeoff. If he wasn't drinking, he was tense and stressed. If he was drinking, he was stupid and annoying.

Holiday get togethers have never been fun and continue to be so. I feel bad, because my uncle on my mom's side is in the hospital. I say this, because I don't feel that close to him, but I still like him. He lives about a 40-50 minute drive from our house but the only time I've seen him at our house was for family get togethers for the holidays, and my dad was usually drunk, if not by dinner, then within an hour and a half after and I would feel embarrassed and oftentimes made the get togethers more like "let's get our stuff together and get out of here".

It is just hard to get through to my brother. The big problem is that he is negative and/or complaining or even criticizing people that have absolutely NO pertinence to his life, everyday, and very often.

I'm not implying that if he were better, I would be a completely happy person. It just frustrates me that I let him get to me and I don't know what to do. The thing is this. I think it is largely how I perceive it. I've told him I have problems with anxiety. I've told him that what he does contributes to this. He doesn't seem to care. I think he gets off on it. I ignored him this year, for about two to three weeks--completely. He stopped with his childish, negative antics, but proceeded after about one week. However, it wasn't directed at me. It was directed at others (well, indirectly..they were complaints about people not in his immediate territory..e.g.--people at work). As far as the perception of his actions go, he hasn't always known that I've had problems with anxiety, but I think he's known that I don't really like the way he carries himself and it is a way for him to sort of escape from himself and let loose and let off some steam.


I did something just now that I will probably regret, but I am running out of choices and am furious with him--I just can't get through to him. I sent a video of him when he was drunk one night, acting like some animal. I sent it to one of his supervisors at work. I don't think it's appropriate to post it here, but it's funny, in a sad, pathetic way.

Lilya

Hi DJBucks,

Welcome to the forum. I hope you get help here.

I´ve always believed that in dealing with dysfunctional family members, it is best to have the help of a good therapist and to read books on the subject. You will learn lots of techniques to create space between you and the people in your life that are getting to you.

Most of the time the problem is in us. That is firmly my belief, so I have tried to change my behavior and chosen not to communicate with some people but superficially. If I had not done so, they would control my life.

You will learn a lot about assertiveness and self-reliance in those books. I recommend Toxic Parents or Emontial Blackmail. Both are available at Amazon.

I strongly recommend professional help, because sending a video of your brother when drunk to his supervisor is not really helpful to either of you and certainly not to you. Please get some help so you won´t do anything more that you will regret.

Good luck,

Love and light,

DJBucs2005

Thank you for your feedback. I have very little to lose. I am a very fearful avoidant person and am always afraid to try out a possible solution, with the fear of "If this doesn't work.." then what? I'll give those a look.

I will say this though. I don't think he gets it. I don't think he cares, either, like I mentioned.

I don't even think his supervisor saw the video. I say this because he seems to think he's Mr. Smartguy because of whatever he did, because I just heard him laugh a short moment ago as we were both in the kitchen (I was out of the houst most of the day) and then he said "Plan backfired". Shows you how bright he is. Backfire means when something you intend to do to someone happens to you. It didn't backfire on me. Whether he talked to his supervisor or deleted the video before she received the email, I don't know. I'm not sure how that would be possible.

If anyone has any other insight to offer, I'd very much appreciate it. I'd love to have a heart-to-heart talk with him, but it seems like I can't even have a normal conversation with him without him making me anxious and being serious and abrupt with his tone and voice. He always has a negative comment for everything. If I do try to talk to him seriously, he'll act like he does not hear it and/or he'll change the subject. I can't stand living here!!! I was out of the house from about 10 AM to 8 PM and I felt just fine. I get home, and I'm feeling anxious again. I need to move the heck out of here! The tradeoffs of living here are just too much I think. That won't be for probably another eight months though. I still need to learn to deal with difficult people and not feel so anxious.

scarlati

Well, it's been an interesting day for me. Earlier I learned that Lilya and I have the same mother (figuratively, that is), and now I find that DJBuc and I have the same brother. I have 4, actually, but the oldest is EXACTLY as you described yours. Super-critical, sarcastic, obnoxious, and a hardcore Negative Nancy. I deal with him pretty much the same way I deal with my mother, but telling you about it wouldn't do you any good because you live with him and I don't. I don't let him come to my house, but visit him at his. So if he gets on my nerves when I'm there I can just go home, which is also how I deal with my mother. That's not really an option for you, though.

Lilya and I often echo each other in the advice we give and this time is no different. You should find a therapist, then either try to get your brother into therapy as well or find a way to get out of that house ASAP.

And in addition to the books Lilya recommended check out How to Deal with Difficult People.

Also, try to find relaxing activities that keep you out of the house when your brother's there. If you have anxiety problems a tai chi or yoga class would probably do you a world of good. I take tai chi and it has been very helpful for me.

DJBucs2005

I thank you too, for your advice and sharing your experiences with myself and others.

I started seeking counseling at my school in the first quarter of 2007 at counseling and psychological services. I didn't think she offered much insight.

I also saw a therapist and a psychiatrist in the first quarter of 2007 through my medical network. I stopped seeing those two for a little while. I thought the therapist just did not offer enough and it seems like I spent too much time repeating what I had said in a previous session. The gap may have been too long. The psychiatrist seemed to basically be there to recommend medication and I was not open to that at the time. I've since tried it, but it's not agreeing with me and I'm done taking it.

I've since resumed seeing the same psychiatrist and therapist (through my health network)--the gap is still too far in terms of the time between appointments. I think many people have problems in our society with mental health.

I'm also attending "group therapy" at my school through the counseling and psychological services. I have that in quotes because of the three meetings, only once has it not been only myself and the two counselors. One counselor is part of the regular staff. The other is a grad student. Minfulness meditation and breathing exercises are practiced in the group therapy. I've yet to get into a habit of doing this on my own though. I have tried it several times though. One time, it felt like I was on a natural high.

I hope to visit the Psychology Clinic through my school. That is separate from the counseling and psychological services. I'm on the waiting list. The anxiety, depression, and ADD really impair me in school I find.

Part of my problem is that I'm not very social, as far as getting out of the house is concerned. It doesn't help at all that I commute to school (and consequently live at home) and I've yet to make any really close friends in college. One person I met and he invited me to social gatherings..he's out of the country now on missionary work and never formed close relationships with anyone he knows. I am trying to be more friendly though.

Lastly, I am also doing a mind and body group though my school, which is free. It is basically the same thing in the group therapy, as far as the mental exercises are concerned. However, there is a mind AND body part. The "body" part is exercise and facilitated by someone suitable while the mind part is facilitated by the same person who facilitates the aforementioned group therapy.

I am also thinking about participating in something that is probably more helpful, such as yoga, like you mentioned. Classes that one pays for through our fitness and rec center seem like they would offer more. Money talks in this world. Not always, but more often than not, you get what you pay for (even though every student who takes a class pays a fee for the rec center, regardless of whether they use it or not).

I purchased a bike this summer and like to ride that. I also bought some running shoes and hope to run more often than I do.

I think my parents would be open to letting me move out. The only negative part is that my father took a buyout from work and he's obviously not making as much money and I can't afford room and board on my own. I'd have to get a job to move out. I think this would improve my mental state and the cost of living on my own would not outweight the benefits---at least I think.

I don't think my brother is really open to the idea of counseling. He has too much pride. Even though he sort of admitted he has similar problems as myself. I let him read a report and diagnosis that someone made through the psych. clinic, and he said "I bet if they did this assessment on me, they'd probably find the same problems..." It's obvious to me he's not very happy.

I shall get to bed now. Thanks everyone for your kind words.