GailJ

Had a very long talk wth my only sister who trully cares an understands. I led her to this thead now I am terrfied by what she might read here. We chated ***** msn for hours tonight. I don't really want her to know the insecure and screwed up side of me. She is my closest sister, We shared our childhood bedroom, I took care of her as a child in the 70's and LSD was big and you had to sneak in the house Do I want her to know........She is no strager to mental illness and I or you will have to direct her to the right thread, Her husbands brother is schizophenic, her hell, she only dared one child as 10% chance or her offspring beng scitzo to. She is so super, so funny, so inspirational,
Right now I feel like I have just led her into hell. My hell and she dosn't deserve that.
OMG what have I done. I don't want to lose her too. I love her so much. What have I done now

GailJ

I'm sorry Nan I hoped you would never know and be happy. I'm not anonymous any more, God it's hard to be sober and face this. Give me strength, give me hope, give me love, oh jeeze, Why did I ever tell. Just call me constantine. Being drunk would be so much easier. Why did I tell Nan she could come here, I'm so scared I am terrified. Yet I did it. I'm sorry nan your world should be only happiness. Not this, I love you

scarlati

Gail, I have 4 brothers and 2 parents and only 1 of my brothers knows about my anxiety issues. They probably all know I've had a history of binge drinking, but only the 1 brother really knows that I have serious psychological issues and that I'm seeing a therapist. I didn't really want to let him in on it at first but I'm glad I did. It turns out he has similar issues and has been in therapy as well and didn't even tell me about it. We've compared notes and found that our issues have similar origins in the way we were raised. Letting my brother into this part of my life was one of the best decisions I've made.

I can see myself eventually talking about all this with the rest of my family, but for now it's just the 1 brother. I'm sure your sister cares about you and hopefully when she reads your posts and understands what's going on in your life and in your head she'll be able to support and help you in ways that none of us who don't really know you can.

Welcome aboard, Nan.

GailJ

Scar I've protected her since I was 7, I always took care of her. I always did, I shielded her from evil. Oh god a sister a sibing caring about m and my life I don't know if I can handle it. She knows I have ptsd but a lot she doesn't know I don't want her to know. She is only two years my senior an did so well in her life. How do I protect her from this torment, It will affect her, and seriously. I love them al so much. I kept silent 20 plus years why they don't need this, let them think I am just the screwed up sister I'm so scared

GailJ

If I had a 24 I drink it all and let them think me a drunk than know

GailJ

Trigger trigger, panick panick. OMG how can I protect them. Tommorrow, there is always tommorrow. Sorry for the panick, I do this when I am alone. I'll be better tomorrrow. And stronger. Love Gail

GailJ

http://www.myspace.com/j_i_caseworld

GailJ

sleep well

bluenena

Gail,

I am sorry you are feeling this way. I believe that it is part of recovery to face things we have been avoiding.

Do you remember a little while back when I told you that I finally told my mother about my sexual abuse. I had thought that I was protecting her by not telling her. Yet after I did finally tell her she understood me so much more. I waited 20 years with that eating away at me, Afraid of the outcome. It was not as bad as I made it in my mind.

(The following is from "Days of Healing - Days of Joy"
Daily Meditations for Adult Children
By Ernie Larson & Carol Larson Hegerty)


"I am an old man and I have known many troubles, but most of them never happened" - Mark Twain

"" Imagination is wonderful if we don't use it against ourselves. Like fire it is a great power capable of either warming and giving life or burning and destroying everything it touches. Consider how often we create problems that never come to be! Family gatherings we know will drive us crazy turn out to be uneventful or even pleasant. Phone calls we put off for months or even years because of the excruciating pain they will cause are not the big deal we thought they would be. Once made, decisions we dreaded and avoided improved our lives so much that we wondered what we were waiting for!

we adult children grow up wearing "doom glasses" everything we see is filtered through those dark lenses. How much of what we dread, fear, and run from is really more a figment of our imagination than fact? How much of our lives and energy do we spend on avoiding what does not yet exist and perhaps never will.""




....Things will be o.k. Gail one way or another. Hang in there. And keep posting. You and your sister are in my prayers..BIG HUGS.

Lilya

Gail,

After long time in recovery and when I was ready, I talked openly and with honesty to my family members, at least the ones who were ready to listen. I told my mother and my father about all these issues. My mom decided to go into therapy to work on it and I´ve never been so proud of her. I had long talks with my father about how I was raised and his own emotional state at the time, and we fully reconciled. He is now one of my best friends.

One tip: Let your actions speak, not only words. Make your family proud of you.

Nan, welcome.

Love and light,

GailJ

Good morning, thanks for that post Lilya, I don't really know why telling her to come here triggered that panick atack last night, at least I recognized it and went strait to bed. Glad I didn't have any alcohol in the house, I would of caved and binged for sure. I know family is a big trigger for me and she is the only one trying,really trying to support me, and help me to heal, It's a trigger I have to overcome I am ever going to reestablish communication and relationship with my family and be accepted as not crazy. I am reading the book 'Healing after Trauma' right now It's written by Dena Rosenbloom PhD(clinical psychologist) and Mary Beth Williams PhD, LCSW,CTS both are experts in treating trauma survivors and the book is a self help workbook. Don't think I'll be online for very long today,. I am on dial-up and everything takes so long to load I leave the internet on and my pages open, even when I'm away from the computer. I'll go back to your post and get the name of the book you mentioned, Maybe my next read.

hippyhippy

Gail sweetheart,
I bet if your sis reads this she will see a woman who has had so much to deal with and wonder why you didn't share it.
gail, your illness or experiences are bad but they don't make you bad hun. I get the feeling you think you are at times, even though your logical brain knows it is not.

Gail. If your sis reads this I would love to tell her the special person you have been for me. the person who reached out to me on another forum and helped me when I was really struggling to learn I had bipolar. the person, who knew a bit about me and invited me here as she knew there were people here who could help me too. The person who you are hun and reach out to me when I am at my most wacky and still give me comfort and hope. you are the person who sensed there was more than I was saying and sought from me what you felt I could not tell. You do not judge me, you care and you listen.
I bet your sis knows you are this special person hun. Your life and experiences that you haven't shared with her, well that can start now. You are both still the same people you were as children....just with more life and crap under your belts.
That is who I see you as hun. A very special person. You just gotta believe it of yourself sunshine.
Hippy

GailJ

:ghug :ghug :ghug

WLDKATZ

Ok so I wasn't going to post on this thread, I am sorry Gail , I had to laugh....you know where you laugh so hard you think your eaither going to pee your pants or have your ribs start hurting???? I have started a new thread think you should pick up on it...................I did mine in a news letter!!!!

scarlati

So Gail, we haven't heard much from you today. Have you talked with your sister since she came to this site?

GailJ

She emailed and decided not to come, said she thought I should keep my private place to vent. I emailed her back to say it was Ok and I trusted her but if she thought it would be dragging her down to take care of herself and her family first. Her daughter has anxiety disorder and her brother in law is severly scitzophrenic. It has been a hard haul for her too so maybe it's better she doesn't come.

Was reading my self help book yesterday, but flashbacking memories a lot so I just concentrated on relaxing mainly. Hub is coming home this afternoon so I am cleaning right now before he gets home, I was lazy yesterday, cuddled on the couch with kittens, a pot of tea, my book, the remote and a big cushy comforter. I'll check in from time to time today