shutterbug

it's my never ending story...my only reason for being is the overwhelming desire to be loved and find it eventually. And yet....i never feel i have any in my life.

please...i don't want to hear "read the Bible" or that i need to find God. I am a Christian and this...this is something beyond what God or my religion/faith have ever helped me with. i don't know how to fight the emptiness i always feel inside no matter how close i try to get to God.

i just want to be loved. i just want to be held. i just want someone to give a damn outside of this site.

i'm not in Hell right now with this depressive episode, but i am definetly in the waiting room of Hell and my number is being called. i don't know how to fight it and i don't have the strength to.

today...my near-perfect boss got upset with me for calling in sick with my back, but mostly i was calling in sick with my head. i can't handle the world right now and i can't handle going through another fight to keep my job.

i honestly and truely do not know how i am going to survive this one.

Can someone please tell me what real good anything is for? I mean, my life....i seem to only be alive to solve problems in my life everyday and everyday i only get further behind and lonelier...and despite my efforts to heal a shattered self-esteem...it is turning to dust and being completely blown away.

what is it all for? why keep fighting and struggling JUST for more pain to come??

stone

Hugs to you Shutterbug, I can identify a lot with how you are feeling. Also I find my moods swinging very quickly, probably down to being just 100 days sober.
As for the lonliness, I have made incredible friends here at SR but I would love to be held.
You obviously have a lot of love to give, I hope you meet someone soon who can give you some.

Alive

It's like i am talking to myself....But what can i tell you, and i really believe in this..i posted on a thread bellow...

I sometimes come on the bus and just want people to hug me and want to be loved desperately..I know it's unbearable...But i can see worth in you...Even if i might not see it in me...

Hey, here's a thing that worked for me for some months until i had a problem: have you read a book called "the secret"? the dvd might be better..i know it sounds weird..but that law of attraction sure looks real..what ya think?...

i'll be here for more ten minutes...rsp..

shutterbug

i haven't heard of that book. what do you mean by "the law of atractions sure looks real"?

Alive

It means that the more you dwell on depression the more it comes...

It doesn't mean it's easy not to think about negative stuff..Look at me..Maybe you can, you know...that's my point...

if you focus on positive, positive comes back and negative, negative comes back

it was recently proved...

just an idea..i have no other...

i was going to make the asian approach...but then something happened...tried that?...yoga or tai chi?.....that might work too...

shutterbug

yoga sounds good on paper...but i guess not good enough for me to do it.

i know that 80-90 percent of happiness is how we choose to see things, which goes along with what you are saying.

it's just with me....i try so damn hard to be positive and have removed as many negative things from my life...and i try to have fun and laugh as often as i can and i do it a lot at work...

but....sometimes it just seems that the harder i try to be happy....the more crap gets thrown at me.

for example: i've had 3 flats in a week and a half, been locked out of my house or car more times than i can count this year...the last one being just a few weeks ago..and hit 2 giant pot holes with my car this year so bad that it blew out the tire both times and bent the rims too bad to bend back. i know everyone has these kind of things happen....but add that i've got some kind of major back injury going on and that i can't even unload the crap that's been in my car for 2 weeks now and can barely walk....on top of the depression and being broke most days....fat, no boyfriend in years, no real friends and family could care less....

well....when depression hits on top of all that....it's damn near impossible for me to stay positive about anything.

Alive

I can relate to you because in my life things kept happening wrong..all the time..

first thing wrong:

negative people around me


second thing wrong:

self love



Self Love is the only answer..If you have to visit some kind of freaky yoga teacher..they know what to do....i know one who taught my mom how to look people in the eyes and lift her head...What works for you will be different..But i am sure YOU ARE A CHILD OF GOD!

ccgirl

Hey, I see how often you post to help others. You should be filled with self love. You seem wonderful.

I do know what you mean though. It's that damn hopelessness part of depression rearing its ugly head. My husband always tell me to push my way through it and get past it. I know, I know, easier said than done.

This may sound stupid, but do you have any pets? If not and you like them, have you ever considered doing some volunteer work for animals. Animals are the most loving, giving creatures on earth. Just sitting and petting my cat calms me sometimes.

Just a thought.

stone

A nice thought too CC.

I was reading Jennas post last night feeling extremely down myslef when my cat jumped up on the desk and made me smile.

kojac

Welcome,......be encouraged;not dis-couraged. Know beyond shadow of doubt that any and every situation or circumstance which may befall us is another opportunity for God to display His glory and strength within our behalf that He might be glorified therein. No matter what may comes He has alway delivered me out of one or another behide seemingly dilema ( even the self-made ones ). seloth@. tfs

Alive

Yesterday i was gonna suggest a pet..I am glad somebody said that...I, myself been thinkin about that..


love, Karim

p.s..talk to ya real soon

historyteach

This song has always made me smile.
And it's words have always made sense to me. If you have the cd or tape, or, (*gasp*) album -- er, vinal for you young 'uns, listen to it.

Secret Of Life
James Taylor

The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time
Any fool can do it
There aint nothing to it
Nobody knows how we got to
The top of the hill
But since were on our way down
We might as well enjoy the ride

The secret of love is in opening up your heart
Its okay to feel afraid
But dont let that stand in your way
cause anyone knows that love is the only road
And since were only here for a while
Might as well show some style
Give us a smile

Isnt it a lovely ride
Sliding down
Gliding down
Try not to try too hard
Its just a lovely ride

Now the thing about time is that time
Isnt really real
Its just your point of view
How does it feel for you
Einstein said he could never understand it all
Planets spinning through space
The smile upon your face
Welcome to the human race

Some kind of lovely ride
Ill be sliding down
Ill be gliding down
Try not to try too hard
Its just a lovely ride

Isnt it a lovely ride
Sliding down
Gliding down
Try not to try too hard
Its just a lovely ride

Now the secret of life is enjoying the passage of time.

Jenna, when is the last time you've ENJOYED something?
Really ENJOYED it?
For, as Albert Camus shows us, it is the struggle itself that matters; that is what fills our hearts.
http://www.sccs.swarthmore.edu/~pwillen1/lit/msysip.htm

I hope this makes sense to you.
Know that you ARE loved.

Shalom!

PaperDolls

Jenna, I can relate to what you are saying. I don't have any words better than what has already been said but please know that you are loved. You are wonderful, intelligent, beautiful, loving person.

shutterbug

Thanks everyone...i have an annoying cat who never shuts up and ALWAYS wants to be petted...she's the most annoying pet i've ever owned...but i do enjoy it when she just curls up on my lap and sleeps...QUIETLY.

i have to run...got to go to work.
not looking forward to it.
not at all.

i really, really appreciate all your kind words and time to post to me.
i will be back to respond to everyone late this evening.

thanks,
jenna

ccgirl

I have one of those annoying cats too. Thankfully I have two other good ones and two dogs to make up for him, lol


I hope you're doing OK.

cinderellawkids

I know exactly how you feel. Today my husband and I are separating....again... wanting to be held is what has had me over and over taking him back

shutterbug

i'm doing a little better....about 6-7 p.m. today i started noticing myself chiming in and being cocky and silly with the copy desk folks. it caught me off guard each time i did b/c i'd been so solumn all day and not said a word to anyone who i didn't have to.

i even p*ssed off one of the reporters. i can usually handle his big head, but his choice of words to me and refusing to give me photo assignment details for his stories like everyone else....has just been getting to me lately. it just makes it SO hard to keep up with so many different names/numbers/addresses for each day/each reporter/each assignment....and most the reporters put the info on the budget program, but not this one. he refuses....and he won't even e-mail it to me. he acts like its too much work to type the information into the computer!!!! So he'll then wait until he sees me in person to TELL me all the information...which i then have to write down and risk losing the peice of paper or forgetting where i wrote it down at.

well today...i made a comment "you make my job harder than it should be". he didn't say anything to me...just ignored me at that point.

i mean...even if i didn't have ADD...it would STILL be hard to keep up with so much information coming from a hundred different directions every day!!!!!

mainly...i'm tired of him talking to me in a condescing way everyday...and then him being the one who tells me wrong after making a big deal of repeating his words...very slowly and 3 times in a row so "i" don't mess it up.

sheesh.

Anyway.........sorry for that soapbox tangent!!!

i ended up staying late to create a peice of art....i used a self-portrait i had taken last year and i manipulated it into a sereal image that kind of described how i'm feeling...and i wrote a caption on it that gave more words to my emotions. Adding words like that to such a personal peice...is new for me. i've just stuck to creating the image and leaving the words to the viewer. so...i don't know.

i spent so many hours working on it that i totally forgot the time. i forgot that i needed to do laundry and a ton of other things.

i came home and took a load of laundry downstairs to wash while i ate some dinner...only to discover a breaker has been thrown somewhere/somehow and no electricity down there to wash any clothes with!!!

i haven't a clue how to trip the breaker...actually i think it must be in my house-mates side....so Lord only knows what i'm going to have to find to wear tomorrow!

i'm finally sleepy....good thing since i have to be up and at a meeting in just about 7 hours!!! oh goodness....

HKAngel24

Jenna--

I was pulled in from the first line in this post.

Many a time my only reason for being was because someone loved me. This was such a colossal mistake on my part -- since then my self-worth, self-esteem, my entire adequacy as a human being has been tied to receiving the love of another.

This has made me a puppet on strings for years. I just need you to know that I, too, have this intense well of emptiness inside of me sometimes. Even when I have "tried" to fill it with love, it has been temporary and than I've felt like a freak when I couldn't understand what else was wrong.

You are ALLOWED to have a mental health day.
On Monday I needed a MH morning - I could barely get out of bed- I felt so horrible. But I know the anxiety of a boss getting angry. Sometimes I'd defeat the whole purpose of taking off to deal with my depression because I'd sit there anxious about whether or not my boss was mad.

I've always had poor self esteem. I have been at a bottomless pit of depression when I just felt immoblized and paralyzed by everyday tasks- dishes, laundry, cleaning. Finding out my bf was a drug addict and than dealing with that self imposed rejection was crazy! My self-worth plummetted to low deapths again. Some days I iam okay, others I was wringing my hands in despair and whining about WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE SO HARD FOR ME, WHY CAN'T I JUST BE NORMAL?

You're not alone. But you do NOT deserve to feel as horribly about yourself as you do. I am glad that you are going into treatment.
For me, I find that so many of my problems are in the way I see the world. I have a falsified sense of reality and my place in the world. I need to relearn things and this means distrusting the FEELINGS that are oh, so powerful in reminding me that I don't deserve anything in this world and that I am a worthless being.
Feelings aren't facts.
That is so helpful to me in reminding myself that I am sick in my head.

I am thinking of you.
You are not alone.
You are worth it.