GailJ

Please I am asking, as the title says, I need emotional support now. I need hope, I need courage, I need love, I need strength. My depession is so deep and the world where I live has turned it's back on me. I really need support to make it through till I can find a safe place to live. Anyone please help me.

best

Hello Gail

Don't know what I can give you for support other then to let you know your not alone.

Oh and seeing your picture in your avatar... You are a very nice looking young lady. *smile*

Dumaurier

Hi GailJ,

I also feel similar some times. The good news is I found out is there are people out there with the same feelings of hoplessness and despaire. It made me relise that I wasn't alone battling my depression. I'm really not good at expressing my feeling but I'd just like to say that I empathise with you and I wish you so much love and happiness in your life. God bless you sis.

AUDRADAVID

hi gail. where do u live right now and with who? What has got u upset right right now??

shutterbug

Sorry to hear you are going through such struggles Gail.

((((hugs))))) for you.

I don't know what to say to help you, but you have to believe there are brighter days ahead in the future and all of this will have been worth it then.

Some people suggest keeping a "gratitude" journal on a daily basis. A place where you write as many things you can about things you are greatful for. It can be a super hard thing to do when depressed, but for me..i'm always grateful just to have toilet paper to get me through for a week or two. Some people say it's impossible to be grateful and depressed at the same time....and while i don't know that i buy all that...i do know that finding even the smallest of things to be grateful for...helps me put life a little more into persepective b/c then i realize things could be MUCH worse if i didn't have ANY of those things available to me.

Now that you are moving...are there an AA groups to be found near you? If you haven't yet...you can even try looking in the local phone book for AA or Alanon....both are usually listed there.

Hugs and more hugs,
Jenna

best

Just read your other post.

You are not screwed up and damaged. Look at all the things you have gotten done just for the move. Look at how you kept trying to connect with the Dr till you connected with the Dr. If you were screwed up and damaged, you wouldn't have been able to do "any" of that.
Moving can be stressful and is for most everyone. I don't know of a single person that likes moving but yet you handled things great.
Your depression is telling you one thing... your actions are telling me another.
Try not to listen to the depression and look at all you have done in just this past week.
You are doing wonderful. A lady that gets things done. A lady that thinks things through, and a lady that is nice looking.... hmmm sure doesn't looked like screwed up and damaged to me. Looks more like topshelf.

janied

Gail, my heart goes out to you.

GailJ

thanks to all for the effort, it helps to know someone cares

best

Hope your day is brighter then yesterday.

GailJ

I had to leave work early today, the new double dose is kicking in with heavy side effects. I booked th last of my vacaton time, a week and two floater days rather than take off sick. So I'm off till Oct 9th. Thankyou all again for your kind words It gives me a glimmer of hope to cling onto and a little more courage to keep on going. My first apartment fell through looked at another one yesterday on the way to the pharacy, high hopes for it but will keep looking till I get one and have it for sure.

ccgirl

Why is it not safe where you live? Is there anywhere else you can go temporarily? I don't know what else to say, except I wish you the best and I hope you're OK.

GailJ

I have bee raped twice in the last year, had my sleeping pills stolen from beside my bed and hubby who is also stressed to the max can't handle it either. We agree that separation is best right now but still it is hard, he explodes when he panick attacks and it is very scary. He has verbally abused me and emotionally is abusing me. He is a true farmer and only acts as he was taught. He takes of a lot sometimes for days at a time leaving me stranded here. He can't understand anxiety or the PTSD, thinks I can just fix it. Last night he actually talked about going to a doc and asking for a stress leave of his own. That would be a miracle but neither of us can afford it, I know he won't do it. We are building our own house on our sixteen acre farm, he works full time and he has done everything on the house so far except the brickwork and we are still only half way there after two years and he works on cars for extra cash too. He is also health and safety chairman, union steward and chistmas commitee chair. Total workaholic, we already are lucky to have an hour together and is sure to crash and burn soon too. I get the load o a lot of his stress on top of my own, I can't drive and reallly need to be in town for the winter, he needs to focus his priorities and get his crap together. He is spread to thin

GailJ

My sister contacted me and is giving me sme emotional support now. New landlord called I have another apartmet but have to stick it out here till November,
Hubby is very quiet and somber. Maybe realizing what he is losing. Bowl of jello still and mind still dizzy and all over the place from side effects but I am managing to eat, no heart palps, and managing to clean. His friends are staying away and he is sorting out who his real friends are.

meliejv

GailJ, i am so sorry your hurting right now. i too am a rape victim and there is no greater invasion. For that alone I empathize with you. i know you feel depresed right now and we never know our own strength when we are depessed but i know how strong you are. You are always right there for others and suggest great tools to others in their hour of pain. Feeling safety is a huge issue for us. We need stability and security in our lives but sometimes things need to get worse befoe they get better. Your taking care of yourself and sometimes it doesn't feel very good especially when there are husbands involved. I believe the worst thing we can do to ourselves is to be in an emotionally abusive relationship, like we don't beat ourselves up enough. i support your decision to take care of your needs. I recently moved out of state and i completely understand how scary a move is. I will keep you in my prayers. Take care

P.S Do you know that we need 10 hugs a day to maintain emotional health. Times like these we probably need 20. Ask for lots of hugs from safe people of course.

Hugs
Mel

GailJ

Thanks Mel doing much better this week, I have the apartment but have to wait till November before I can move in. Probably better as I can take the time to gather some of my more precious belongings. Hub has been much better the last few days. He is an abuse survivor as well. He feels like he has lost control of his own life so the separation is better for both of us. There is love he just has no idea how to show it. I beleive he is more lost than I am. He knows I have never lied to him and that makes a big difference. He understands me locking the doors when he isn't hom now. I was single for ten years so part of me wants that independance back. Who knows a year apart just may make all the difference. I might even have my license back by then and be driving again. My suspension ends Nov 28 just three days before my birthday. But I have to do a driving program before they will reinstate my license. So it will be a while yet. I so miss driving. The meds are kicking in but still have tremors and some other unpleasant sde effects. The time off work right now is essential but at least I booked them as vacation days and not as sick time. I may lost my quality control position over it as fresh season is the time they need me most and I can't be there right now. It's Canadian Thankgiving next weekend so fresh turkeys are in high demand. I just have to keep telling myself my health is more important.

meliejv

A seperation may make all the difference in the world. I am married too and I love my husband dearly but I definitely miss my single days sometimes too. I miss my independance and my alone time. Life is just simpler when the only person your responsible for is yourself but family definitely has its perks as well. I had a really bad week last week myself. I felt so fragile i was afraid i was going to have another breakdown. i thought about a seperation as well not b/c I don't love him but I felt so bad I thought maybe I need to be alone to get through this. i know your situation is different than mine but I wanted to let you know, your not alone in missing your independence. Iknow for me my health and sanity are the most important issues for me. If I don't feel good on the inside, how can I feel good about anything on the outside. I'm hear if you need support,

Take care
Mel

GailJ

Oh Mel I'm sorry your feeling low this week. I understand the constant fear, that feeing of weekness and vulnerability. It can be overcome I've done i before and more than once. I don't know if this separation is going to make me or break me but it has to be done. Right now I feel safe and secure, Hubby has been really good since the weekend and I know he loves me. I do love him too. Just have so much we need to work through and I can't see any other solution but space and time. PTSD is such a complicated disorder to live with. I really have to thank morning glory as well for liking the PTSD website for CSA and SA survivors. I spent all day on there yesterday. Wow. Anything which will bring courage and hope, strength and faith in the future. Very graphic site there but so many survivors, so so many. Yet confirmation for me that I'm not nuts. Just surviving and recovering.

Thankyou for your support. Hugs going back to you as well.

meliejv

Hi Gail
Again sorry i have been mia, rough couple of weeks. I just don't know how i am going to feel from one day to the next. I saw on another thread that you are taking effexor. My doc suggested that for me. how is it working for you and what dosage are you at. It sounds like we have the same symptoms, depression, anxiety, panic attacks and ptsd. I am so sick and tired of this process. I feel like all i want to do is sleep which i do alot. Anyway I'll stop whining. Are you getting ready to move into your new place?

hugs
Mel