bluenena

I am not sure where this post belongs but since I always get my support from this forum here goes.

I had a fair day, anxious but I did get all of my kids to school. Ate dinner with them and took them down to the picnic area to do homework.

When my husband got home he fell asleep.That was why I took the kids out so it would be quiet. When I came back in he was awake and mad. Because I had only made spagetti. To him that isn't dinner.

Them when we went to bed I didn't anitiate anything fast enough so he was mad. And started to play the same old record of how. I am not good for anything. And I can't even make him food and I have no sex drive. etc...

Now he said he is taking away my car. I don't understand why he isn't more supportive. And maybe he can't understand why I am not more functional.

I do feel like everything is my fault. And I don't know if it is because of my irrational thinking or if it truely is my fault.

I am sure there are things I could do to make it better. But part of me feels like he would not be happy no matter what I did.

I am tired of walking on egg shells but I am not even well enough to work much less take care of my three children by myself.

I hate feeling like this I feel so hopeless like no matter how hard I look there is no answer.

I am sure that tomorrow I will feel better. I will see my therapist on Thursday.

Morning Glory

Verbal & Emotional Abuse

This information is provided by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV).

Definitions of battering and abuse can be confusing. Many researchers have primarily defined battering as the use of physical violence. Yet it is clear that for many battered women, psychological abuse is as detrimental as physical abuse.

How many of these things has your partner done to you?

Ignored your feelings.
Ridiculed or insulted women as a group.
Ridiculed or insulted your most valued beliefs, your religion, race, heritage or class.
Withheld approval, appreciation or affection as punishment.
Continually criticized you, called you names, shouted at you.
Humiliated you in private or public.
Refused to socialize with you.
Kept you from working, controlled your money, made all decisions.
Refused to work or share money.
Took car keys or money away from you.
Regularly threatened to leave you or told you to leave.
Threatened to hurt you or your family.
Abused, tortured, killed pets to hurt you.
Harassed you about affairs your partner imagined you were having.
Manipulated you with lies and contradictions.
Destroyed furniture, punched holes in walls, broke appliances.
Wielded a gun in a threatening way.

Many of us do some of these things when we're in a bad mood. When is the behavior classified as abusive? Ask yourself these questions:

Do you doubt your judgment or wonder if your are "crazy"?
Are you afraid of your partner and do you express opinions less and less freely?
Have you developed fears of other people and tend to see others less often?
Do you spend a lot of time watching for your partner's bad and not-so-bad moods, before bringing up a subject?
Do you ask your partner's permission to spend money, take classes or socialize with friends?
Have you lost confidence in your abilities, become increasingly depressed and feel trapped and powerless?

If you answer YES to many of these questions, it is probable you have been abused and have changed as a result of being abused.

If you have friends or relatives who give emotional support and believe you are a good person, you may trust your judgment. But if you feel your batterer is far more important or knows you better than they really do, you will not hear the supportive, positive messages that come your way. If you spend little time with people other than your batterer -- a common situation -- there will not be other messages to hear.

One way to begin to help yourself is to change the messages you give yourself. You DO have a right to a life free of verbal, emotional and physical abuse. It is easy to get into the habit of coaching yourself for failure, but that can be changed. Begin to modify the things you say to yourself about yourself. You may not be able to change the batterer's behavior, but at least you can start giving yourself positive, empowering messages.

This material was adapted by Ginny NiCarthy's book: "Getting Free: A Handbook for Women in Abusive Relationships."

Source: "Verbal & Emotional Abuse," National Coalition Against Domestic Violence.

bluenena

I am still here. Thanks MG

I am wishing I didn't feel so overwhelmed. I wish I could just get out. I am 1000 miles away from home. 3 kids. No job. No money. No friends or family for 1000 miles.

How can this possibly be my life???

Morning Glory

I'm sorry you are going through so much. I've been there so I know how hard it is. I've lived though abuse and severe panic attacks and many other things. I did not have support either and that makes it much harder.

I made it though it and you will too. Surround yourself with people who care for you here. It will help more than you know. I was out of the abuse when I came here, but never experienced anyone caring for me. The friends I made here changed my life.

Keep reaching out.

Hugs,
MG

Introvrtd1

I hate to hear the hurt and the pain you suffer blue.....

I only pray things get better and not worse for u and the kids. For that matter, I pray things will (by the grace of God) improve for u and husband.

I cant begin to even dream of treating my wife anywhere near the way u feel now.

I love her so much, even though she has no Idea what I go thru.

I put on such a face for her and my son.\

I'll say a prayer for you and your family.

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bluenena

bluenena

I got the kids off to school today and I am doing laundry.

But I can not believe the hopelessness that I feel. Like it will never stop or get any better.

I don't think leaving is the answer I would just get back to AZ and still feel this way.

I HATE THIS.. I just want to scream someone please make it stop!!!!

mike_mass

You are being treated abusively. My father was that way towards my mother. He came home and had to have his precious naps (alcohol induced, of course). Naturally, it was my mothers responsibility to keep four young kids quiet.

Good luck, I really hope things somehow turn your way. Mike

Morning Glory

Hi Bluenena,

I would like to also encourage you to post on the family and friends of substance abusers forum. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tance-abusers/

They will help you recognize all the good things about you and help you build your self esteem. You may feel hopeless, but it isn't hopeless. I don't think anyone was any worse than I was. I also felt hopeless, but when I least expected I started healing and life got better. Don't give up hope. I see so much good and kindness in you from just the few posts I've read. You're a very special person.

Lilya

Hi Blue,

Sorry to hear you´re going through so much.

I want to say that I also went through a really bad marriage and abuse, alone in a huge city I disliked, so I know exactly what you´re going through.

I didn´t think I would ever manage, but here is some of the stuff I did to get out of my situation:

1. I went to AA, got a sponsor
2. I went to Al-anon and Emotives Anonymes (I don´t know the name in English)
3. I read Women Who Love 2 Much I and II
4. As suggested in volume II, I started a group in my area and got seven women who were in the same situation to talk about these issues and learn to boost our self-esteem.
5. I started doing relaxation like yoga.
6. I volunteered at a women´s shelter.

It got me to where I am today.

Best to you, I´m still in the States, but soon going home.

Love and light,

bluenena

Thank you all for your posts, support is very important for me right now.

I reached out to a cousin in AZ today and she is going to help me get home and let us stay with her until I can get on my feet. I afraid, but not scared if that makes sence. I am ready for this.

I have spoken to my childen and they are all ready as well. I know it won't be easy. But I also know that it well be o.k.

I am lucky in that we are already divorced so there will be no battle. I have full custody of our children.

I have one week to leave the apartment. I did not give thirty days so I will not recieve my deposit. But I really don't mind. I am amazed how thing happen. It is time for my to sign a new lease. I went to the office three times this month and asked them for the paper work. They always had some reason the papers weren't ready. I am so greatful that they never got them done. My lease is finished.

I am not taking most of my stuff but non of it is that important to me at this point. It is all things that can be replaced.

bubbie

Dear Bluenena,glad you are going home with your children."For I am the LORD,your GOD,who takes hold of your right hand and says to you,Do not fear;I will help you. ISSIAH 41:13

Lilya

Blue, this is fantastic!

I know just how hard it is and you´re doing everything right, in my opinion.

Sometimes things happen like this, as if by magic.

I send you much courage. Remember, the path is laid stone by stone. Now you´re closing a chapter in your life and new life is beginning.

We´re here for you no matter what happens. Keep that in mind.

Love and light,

bluenena

I am sad but I know it will get better. Please remember me in your prayer.

Introvrtd1

OMG.......Dont give up..........

Hang in there.

Prayers are being offered on behalf of you and the kids.........

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bluenena

I woke up scared, I am overwhelmed by all that I need to do to get ready. I am sad. I will just keep going, and remember to be patient with myself.

Morning Glory

Try not to think of everything at once. Just think of the next step you need to take. I've thrown my kids and things in the car and made moves like this. It is frightening at first and would be for anyone. It will take a couple of weeks to adjust. I always try to think ahead with positive outcomes. I tell myself in 2 weeks things are going to feel much better. I can make it through those 2 weeks. It's easy to grab onto the things we see that aren't good for us when we can't see anything else to grab onto to replace it. It will take time.

mike_mass

You are in my prayers.

bluenena

I didn't pack today. I don't feel strong enough to leave. I feel like I am getting stronger. I see me phsycietrist tomorrow and will talk to her. I am tierd, depressed and anxious. I feel unable to make such a big decision with my thinking being so irrational. ... I know I know. It is part of the cycle. I am ashamed. I may not ppost for a little while. We'll see how things go with my therapist tomorrow. Sorry I feel like I let everyone down.

Thank you all for your support.

Introvrtd1

Blue,

Im confident u will find ur way.......

We most often do in times of difficulty.

You can do it.

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