Lilya

The anxiety in my life is seriously making me lose some quality of life, but I am equally determined to conquer it.

A new anxiety: A friend and colleague of mine, a single and an attractive man, told me he wants more than just friendship.

That really threw me. I don´t know what to say to him.

He is really nice, trustworthy (I´ve known him for a long time), worked on his issues and deserves a good woman. I´m in no fit state for him or any man right now, except some light fun.

Also, I´m not interested in more than his friendship.

I hope it´s going to be OK. I feel frightened and could use some feedback.

Last time I had the same problem caused me anxiety for weeks. I also didn´t know how to react properly.

Love and light,

hippyhippy

Hi there,
I understand your anx. I would imagine you are worried of how he will react on getting a rejection? If you can continue to be friends? If he will try to persuade you away from your initial feelings? Maybe...that you will allow yourself to be swayed?

My gut reaction is to suggest complete honesty. I don't know how much your friend knows about your anx or any difficulties you may have, but I would think you should tell him what you have said here. You value his friendship but do not feel in a position to commit and the old saying 'friends can become lovers but lovers cannot become friends' (or words to that effect!) so you would worry about losing his friendship.

Good luck and try not to worry. (I know this is a ridiculous thing to say to someone with anx....I hate when my mum says it to me! But I am lost for the most appropriate ending to a post!)

Hippy

Introvrtd1

I agree,

Quick and upfront honesty. A true friend would understand, continue to be supportive, and carry on.

However, from a guy point of view, rejection sucks. I been there.

On that note, I got over it very quickly. Kinda learned to let things happen, instead of trying to make things happen in this case.

Hopefully he's supportive and understanding.

Hang in there.....

Intro

Lilya

Thanks, both of you.

He called and invited me out, but I told him not to expect anything on a more permanent basis. He said he would continue to try and that he wouldn´t take no for an answer. (!)

I told him that would probably never happen. I followed your advice, Intro and Hip. I was honest about myself. That I was a single woman with a kid to raise and business to run and real bad anxiety issues. That I was in no state for anything permanent.

He still said he knew all that, but that he would ask me again. I told him I was not comfortable with it, so he said goodbye angrily.

This really sucks. We used to go out with other friends and do nice things together.
I don´t know what to do, frankly.

Sometimes I don´t know if it´s better to be in a bored married or single like this.

What should I do? Talk to him in three weeks to see if he´s calmed down and ask him to be my friend? Or am I humiliating him?

Love and light,

Introvrtd1

[QUOTE=Lilya;1488238] .........I was honest about myself. That I was a single woman with a kid to raise and business to run and real bad anxiety issues. That I was in no state for anything permanent.

He still said he knew all that, but that he would ask me again. I told him I was not comfortable with it, so he said goodbye angrily.

[QUOTE]

I wouldnt be discouraged if I were you....Like I said, REAL friends would never be that way.

Obviously this guy is looking for something you were honest enough about not being ready for. Kinda sad we go thru harsh relationships before the right one comes along.

Dont give up. Take care of yourself and your kids.

You need a supportive relationship, not one that demands so much against your better judgement.

Thats just me......

One the other side of the coin, you still have the ultimate decision to deal with this however you see fit. If you feel so, give it time. He may just be venting.

Im not qualified to advise you on any of this. Its just my opinion.

Whatever happens now, who knows. Just look out for you and yours.

Intro

Lilya

Thanks, Intro.

It´s good to have the man´s point of view as well.

He has cancelled everything we were supposed to be working on, so I found someone else to do it. I have a feeling he is terribly hurt, but I hope he will get over it.

I have a feeling he was venting and I really hope we can be friends when this "attraction thing" is over for him. I have several good male friends, so I´m hopeful.

I really dislike hurting a friend´s feeling, Hippy, and my biggest fear is I have lost a good friend. However, after years of work in AA, I know how to let something or someone go if it´s not meant to be, friends or otherwise.

Love and light,

GailJ

I'm sorry to put a damper on this and you all know I am in a rough state but just wanted to say in my case honesty was and still has been my downfall in my ways. Sometimes saying to much is just too much for the other to here. Be carefull and make sure your in a healthy state of mind and body before you venture into another relationship. Make sure your confident and happy with yourself and in your own quality of life before you venture another relationship.

Lilya

Gail,

You´re absolutely right. Being honest is very difficult, because it can be used against you. In my marriages and relationships, my honesty was always used against me.

I believe it is human nature to lash out with it under stress and quarrels. Now, I don´t say as much as before. There can be danger about being to open. I prefer to be honest to a degree - that is not to tell the other person everything. Or, to put it differently: Be honest with the proper person.

It´s the wisdom to know the difference!

Love and light,

Lilya

I´m invited to a function on Sunday.

Private screening and a party afterwards in a nightclub.

My old friend, the one I had problems with, called and asked if we could go together and maybe have coffee in a fashionable place before the screening.

I was at work when he called and said yes, hopeful that he is my old friend again.

Now I have a different feeling and I regret the decision.

He asked me if I was going to the nightclub, but I said no. I hate these kind of snob functions.

I need some feedback. I don´t know what to do.

Love and light,

scarlati

Sorry, but he's not your old friend again. He just doesn't get your message. I know cause I'm a man and was once just like him; in denial, refusing to accept that someone doesn't share the attraction I feel for her.

Either cancel the Starbucks trip or let him know you're bringing someone else along so he'll know it's not a date. He's not getting the little hints, so it's time to kick it up a notch. And if you don't know anyone else who'll accompany you, just call him and cancel outright. Tell him straight up you don't want to meet him for coffee.

Lilya

Thanks, Scarlati.

Great to have a man´s point view.

The anxiety came back this night and I slept badly.

I felt I cannot go through more of this. Last year I had to report a man in his late sixties who harressed me and stalked me the whole of 2006 and the first half of 2007. I thought I had just got over the interviews with the harassment group at the University, the police, the women´s aid... confrontation with him. Finally he got the message when the police told him they could imprison him if he didn´t stay away from me, but it was tough going and gave me ulcer.

Early this morning I called two of my friends, women friends, and they are coming to the café with us. I also got tickets to the private screening for them and they´re coming!

I sent him an e-mail about the change of plans. He sent back: It´s OK.

Anxiety is gone.

I am so happy about your input, Scarlati, and how the situation was dealt with. You´re absolutely right.

Love and light,

GailJ

Way to go Lilya, hurray for you.

bluenena

scarlati

That's good news and you've handled things well. It's good that he didn't cancel when you told him you were bringing friends along. That implies he is either OK with just resuming the friendship or he still plans to pursue you. If he cancels or doesn't show up it might mean he's rethought the situation and decided not to pursue you further or continue the friendship.

Are the friends you're bringing along single? Maybe he'll hit it off with one of them and she'll take him off your hands.

Lilya

Scarlati,

I had the same thought, but found it too sarcastic to hope that a friend of mine would hit it off with a guy I don´t want, but then I decided to invite yet another woman who is not a close friend, but who I know is interested in him!

Now I have invited the third woman and got through the hassle to get another ticket for the private screening.

He will be surrounded by women Sunday evening, no doubt about it, only I won´t be in the game. I told the woman who I invited in passing, that they both know South-America and could share some stories on that.

I feel like a matchmaker, this is fun! I can´t wait to see what happens on Sunday.

Love and light,

scarlati

Good work. And there's nothing wrong trying to hook a friend up with a guy you don't want. That is assuming the reason you're not interested in him yourself is something harmless like you don't have anything in common or have religious differences or something. I mean, if you think he's a creepy stalker or something you don't want to be introducing him to your friends. But if he's a good guy and you know women that might like him I see no harm in offering to introduce him to some people. I guess some guys might be offended by that, but if I were hitting on a woman and she said,"You know, I'm really not interested but I'd like to introduce you to my friend," I'd be fine with that.

Lilya

Thanks Scarlati.

Great input and good support. I feel I´m learning.

I feel so out of it when it comes to these kinds of things, I´m almost embarrassed.

The reason why is that I´m really trying to work on my emotional issues with a therapist and a group of women, but it´s great to get a man´s point of view and I lack that in group.

I decided to get "out of the game" as they say after difficult relationships and focus on why I seem to attract very difficult or shallow men with hidden agendas.

I´m a firm believer in "you make your own luck" and I believe these problems are within me. I need to change and I feel I am changing, but until I´m ready, no guys. Also, I like being on my own.

However, I feel sick at the thought of passing someone to a friend I rejected myself and would probably be offended if a man I liked would propose I would meet his friend. I think I would be very angry! It´s interesting, Scarlati, because many healthy people find it OK. I´m going to speak to my therapist about it during our next session.

I wouldn´t introduce this man to a dog if I knew he was a creepy stalker or religious nut, LOL. N´importe quoi...

Thanks again. I really appreciate it.

Love and light,

scarlati

Ummm, you know, now that I think about it I'm the last person who should be giving relationship advice. Yeah, go see your therapist. If you ever want advice on dating a neurotic, anxious alcoholic come see me. That's more my field of expertise. Until then, good luck!

Lilya

Scarlati,

You have given me the best of advice and I hope you will again.

Love and light,

Lilya

The evening was even worse than I expected.

I went to the café with my friends, the woman who likes my ex-friend had already arrived.

He was barely civil to me, I almost had to make him say hello to me.

I really thought he was more mature than that! I thought he had worked on his issues. Apparantly not.

At the screening I managed to sit far from him, but when I headed home he gave me this hurt look, like I was the most horrible person in the world.

I felt bad when I was home, but worse when he called from the nightclub.

I got one of the worst lecture I´ve heard in a long time.

He accused me of being machiavellienne, cold-hearted and cruel and that I had set him up with a "bad looking woman" to humiliate him. And now it seems this woman is all over him.

I told him to get lost (actually used stronger language), never talk to me again and hung up. I see that he is trying to call me, but my cell is on silent and I put the house phone on silent too. I don´t want him waking up the child.

I feel really bad. This is getting me a new ulcer. A nightmare: A good friend turns into a stalker from hell... I feel I cannot deal with this.

Please, some feedback here.

Love and light,