Iolo

First of all, I apologize if this is the wrong forum for this....

A quick bit of background:

Alcohol was my poison; as a drinker, I was as George Thorogood describes. I've been sober since May '05, after drinking daily for 13 years or so. When I first sobered up, I went to a few AA meetings, but decided it wasn't for me.

I'm 36 years old, and I've only had one serious relationship (i.e., girlfriend) in my life, when I was a kid. It ended when I was 20... then I married my beer.

For some months now I've been more than ready to get back into the dating scene. The problem is meeting women - I go to school but the girls there are mostly kids; my job consists of driving, alone, so I have almost no interaction with my coworkers (and dating coworkers is a bad idea anyway); and obviously I don't hang out at bars.

So, so far my method has been the Internet. I belong to a couple of match-making sites, and peruse the ads on craigslist daily; since I started looking, many months ago, I've had ONE date. Yay.

Anyway, here's where I'm looking for advice:

It recently occurred to me that one place I might meet women is at AA meetings. But I have no interest in attending meetings other than for this reason. I feel like if I try it, I'd be doing a "bad thing" - I'd be doing something wrong from a moral or ethical standpoint.

Or perhaps I'm putting too much thought into this...?

Doug

No, you're right. Bad idea.

Ann

I agree, not a good idea.

What about joining an interest group or a taking up a hobby and doing something you enjoy doing that will allow you to interact with others having the same interests? This is a great way to make friends and perhaps someone you would like to date.

Interest groups, church groups, taking courses, volunteering...there are many healthy ways to interact with people and have fun at the same time.

indigo

I agree with Ann on this one.

nandm

I am in complete agreement with the others, it is a bad idea. Basically it would be like false advertising. Usually people that go to AA meetings are there to try and stay sober not to find a husband or wife. Another thing you might consider is just because an alcoholic has put down the drink it does not make them well. Dating an alcoholic can be quite a challenge at times. Getting a hobby, get involved with group activities, etc... would be a good way to have fun and meet people. It would also be a little more upfront than going to an AA meeting to meet women. Good luck.

Afraid2Succeed

Iolo,
Congrats on making the decision to lay down the sauce, and on your own no less! I sympathize with your dearth of romantic relationships, it can be lonely at times I bet. However, that said, I think people in AA need to focus on recovery and not relationships. People in AA are probably feeling a lot of the same emotions as you are, and might even have similar experiences, but their disease necessitates focusing on their addictions, and not distractions.
Like others have said, joining interest groups are great ways to meet others. Some grocery stores, book stores, etc can be great places to meet girls as well. Don't be discouraged, keep challenging yourself and you will grow from this, and girls will gravitate towards you.
Best,
Dave

Fluttering

Recognizing we have a problem is ONLY the first step...it is a big step..but only the first..we -- I have found there was so much I had to learn on this journey. i did n't pay attention when they said norelationships in the first year..A failed marriage and many other realtionships later i learned why..

I also discovered jumping into those relationships I was neither ready or prepared. there was too much baggage i had to clean up..
likethe otherrs said...just becasue a person is in recovery does not mean they are well and wonderful..They too have baggage tthat needs cleaned up..

physical attraction is lust...not love...It took me a long time to feel ral love for anyone...

really think about this before you jump

mrsmurph

I met my husband on myspace of all places. Maybe check that out? It's alot of fun too.

albertawind

That would be a bad thing because you would be going against what AA stands for: It's true purpose is to help the alcoholic who still suffers, not to pick up chicks. The Internet is a good way to meet women, but I think there's a lot to be said about the grocery store! Aisle 5, frozen foods.

hello-kitty

I suggest church or an activity group or a health club or evening cooking classes or volunteer for a cause that means something to you (like fundraising for cancer research or save the animals or save the trees or political party or whatever means something to you!)

IMO, if you pick up girls at an AA meeting, that kind of makes you a predator.

Pinkcuda

The best place to meet girls was always a tough one for me. Then one year girls rained on me. It was because I took up coaching youth sports. There was single moms everywhere I went. I got to talk to them every day and by showing an interest in their kids I was a hero. I was doing something for kids and that made me feel good about myself. I became a Mentor to the kids and a friend to the moms. It kept me busy enough to keep my mind off drinking too. Of course I'm married, but it might work for you. Good Luck. Leave those Alcoholic girls alone! They have enough of their own issues to deal with.

Fenian_Man

Dating in AA: "The odds may be good but the goods may be odd" (Grin)

Viki

i agree with the grocery!!!! Aisle 7 laundrey detergent is a good one too. Comapre ways to get stains out and you might find someone with similar interests!! Most definitely AA is not a good place to pick chicks up. You sound like you have it together. There shouldn't be a problem meeting women. Hey Fenian...I'm in AA and I am definitely NOT odd thank you....Big Grin

CE Girl

Hey Iola,,,I'm not an A, my disease of choice is codependancy,,,

I go to al anon AND AA for my own recovery. To me, dating anyone there borders on incest,,LOL!!! They are my "brothers and sisters"

But, interestingly, I met my current guy third in line at the 12 item or less isle in the "dreaded"!! I HATE the grocery store And guess what?!?!? He's a "friend of bill's" with 23 years of recovery!!! funny how the spirits work hey?

Oh, and by the way, he OBVIOUSLY waited a year before a relationship, I was just at a year.

My favorite "date" is going to meetings together,,,

Patience,,,

Peace

Astro

or "this ain't exactly a hotbed of health".

I think it's fine to date someone in recovery, but meetings are definitely not the place to find someone. Maybe at the coffee shop afterwards, but consider your motives carefully. I go to meetings to learn about recovery, not to "cruise for chics". Lol.

I'm in AA and CoDA, my girlfriend is in Al-Anon and CoDA. We both work healthy programs so it works pretty well for us.

CE Girl, you rock! I love going to open AA meetings with my GF!

dopelesshope

I think dating in the fellowship is an awesome way to recover. One, it forces you to deal with yourself on so many levels. You end up with people who are as sick, if not sicker than you who are as manipulative with as much baggage, if not more.

The best part is, you intertwine so much that you forget where your $hit ends and hers begins. Usually this leads to such a wonderful chaos that it's a welcomed distraction for us avoiders of self. You end up trying to fix each other instead of working on yourself, which is soooo much funner to do and a lot less work.

After the break up, the whole circle broken thing is so cute to deal with as well. You will love going to meetings and hear her sharing about her "a hole ex" cause there is nothing worse than not being able to put a face on people when someone shares. This way, all her friends and your friends in recovery can just look at you and say, ahhh.. she means him.

One of the downsides is the relapse factor and the death it sometimes causes.
Small price to pay though and it only happens maybe 4 out of 10 times so the odds are you wont kill someone or commit suicide yourself.
So, by all means. Go for it.

janied

dopeless,

wow!

pointmagnet

Do you like going to sporting events or participating in sports? That is a great way to meet people in general and the women you meet there are likely to be lots of fun!

sobersilly

Try something else than AA. There are many people out there just like you. Make a point on saying hello (not in a freakish way) to people in the supermarket. Talk to a coworker. Do you have any hobbies outside of the computer? Like hiking, golfing, going out with the guys?

If you have guy friends and go out, make eye contact with girls. Say hello, don't act wierd. Do NOT buy them a drink. Just be friendly, but not crazy friendly. Women like a steady eddy, a strong type.

I haven't done it but I have heard eHarmony is a good place to go to. From what I hear, it does require a background check. But, thats ok, put it out there anyway, you might be surprised.

Take some courses in finances and stocks. Work at a rescue organization for animals, cats, dogs, horses. Women love animals, and they love guys that love animals. They also love guys who are continuing their education!

Women love guys who love bookstores. Love coffee shops in bookstores. Women love going hiking, sailing and that stuff.

Try outside of the internet. Go try something you personally like, see a girl that likes the same thing, and say hello. You might be surprised!