shutterbug

Hi, I'm Jenna and I'm bipolar. Welcome to my informational and daily writing journal. My primary goal is educating myself and helping others learn how to minimize the affects of mental illness on our daily lives. Journaling helps me put my emotions and thoughts into words (and get them out of my head ) and also helps me record things i learn along the way. Not everything i write is specific to my moods or mental illness, but rather my life from day-to-day which includes my co-dependency struggles in relationships with others, work issues, self-esteem issues, family issues, addiction issues, etc.

PLEASE feel free to jump in and post anything, anytime or ask any questions you may have. I don't want anyone to feel they need to be "caught up" on any of my threads to post. So post at will :P

I found my way to SoberRecovery.com in August of 2004, amidst my second major depressive episode. I was searching out answers for a very toxic relationship i was enmeshed in with a late-stage alcoholic when i came across SR. It was shortly after that I began to realize my bipolar diagnosis and connect the dots around what i was going through at that time....all thanks to SR!

From those beginning "Aha!" moments, one person here at SR helped me feel human in my struggles rather than the sub-human, pathetic thing the world was trying so hard to make me believe i was. Liveweyerd stood as a beacon of light in my darkest of hours and has since become a most cherished friend. She has seen me through the worst and the best thus-far and i can never thank her enough for her continued support and friendship through these years.

So, this is the beginning of my 4th year for my bipolar/depression recovery efforts. Just for my own wanting to keep tabs on them, here is my 3rd year journal http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rnal-iii.html; 2nd year http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...year-2-a.html; and 1st year http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...im-scared.html.

A little about me:
I have two main interests - psychology and photography. This is evident in nearly every aspect of my life and if you were to look around my home office room you will find little more than books relating to both subjects. I work as a photojournalist (a newspaper photographer) and have been in that line of learning and working since around 1999 - hence my screen name "shutterbug"

When i found SR i was working as a reporter and photojournalist at my hometown paper and was met by tons of discrimination when i disclosed that i had discovered i was bipolar and needed to be hospitalized in order to receive treatment and medication as quickly as possible. While struggling just to live, i was also fighting a nasty boss who was set on firing me. He did and i was too sick to file a lawsuit against this action in time (i was about 14 days late filing the tons of paperwork necessary). Although it is hard for me to be thankful to that horrid man...i am. I was able to go on unemployment and slowly come out of the major depression while resting (actually while sleeping most of the time). Since then i have become more successful than i would have thought possible during those times.

I was contemplating going on full-disability, but now am the chief photographer of a very wonderful corporate newspaper. I have earned more substantial awards since my employment at this paper than in the 3 years at the toxic hometown paper and regularly find my work in national papers across the country and globe; and my abilities and successes continue to grow.

My point in telling this is primarily one of this: A bipolar diagnosis is NOTHING to be ashamed about nor fear. It is what it is and knowledge can bring wellness and success in living a good life. Although many bipolars do decide to go social security disability, many also find they can continue working successfully and can realize many dreams and goals in life. I believe we are only limited to our own determinations to live as we decide and to continue pushing forward. This is not to say that I don't think I'll ever go on disability, but rather...at the present time i am doing well by pushing ahead with everything i have available to me. Things can always change, this I know all too well.

Here are some links from around SR and the web that you may find beneficial:

Mental Illness Screening Tools:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ning-tool.html
http://www.dbsalliance.org/site/Page...creeningcenter

Signs and Symptoms of Mood Disorder (DBSA):
http://www.dbsalliance.org/site/Page...Signs_symptoms

What is Recovery (for bipolar/depression):
http://www.dbsalliance.org/site/Page...=recoverysteps

What is Bipolar Disorder?
http://www.dbsalliance.org/site/Page...creeningcenter

Forms of Bipolar Disorder:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-disorder.html

Physical Symptoms of Depression:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...epression.html

Sleep symptoms: (a VERY important part of staying stable, happy and well as sleep deprivation alone can mimic a mood disorder like bipolar)
http://www.dbsalliance.org/site/Page...out_sleep_what

Antidepressants vs. Mood Stabilizers:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...abilizers.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ed-thread.html

Member Indigo's struggles with bipolar son and suicide attempts:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...polar-son.html

As STRESS is a major issue on our lives...here's a link about de-stressing:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ce-stress.html

Famous Bipolars and excerpts from Patty Duke's "A Brilliant Madness" on the "Creativity Connection" to mood disorders:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...e-illness.html

Depression Causes, Symptoms and Treatment:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...treatment.html

Other support communities:

www.nami.org (National Alliance on Mental Illness- this is a site with TONS of information and also lists links, addresses and phone numbers for you to find support in your local area. It also features online communities with forums for specific mental illnesses)

www.dbsalliance.org (Depression Bipolar Support Alliance - similar to NAMI, but more specific to depression and bipolar issues. This is a wonderful organization which offers free support groups all across the country for free to friends and family of those suffering from depression and/or bipolar and support groups also to those of us directly affected. And i actually just now noticed they offer an online mood tracking tool...so I'm going to go register for that right now!)

www.depressionforums.org (or click here to go straight to the list of forums http://www.depressionforums.org/foru...ex.php?act=idx)

http://www.recoveryworks.info/forum/ (a fairly new community support site quite similar in layout to SR)

Hugs,
Jenna

shutterbug

So....today....Today has been a day of insatiable appetite and thirst. i hate these days where nothing i eat seems to satisfy. This morning i had a donut and coffee and cola. Since around 5 p.m. today, it's been chips/dip, sandwich, another donut, a muffin, 5-6 glasses of soda and now I've got a pan of string french fries cooking in oven! Good gravy! oh....gravy sounds good too...i could dip the fries in them!

This weekend i learned that 2 more of my immediate relatives have been on mood stabilizers a paternal side aunt and one of her sons. That brings total to 6 on immediate paternal side and 3 on maternal side with mood disorders that I'm aware of now.

The wedding Friday was fun, but mostly stressful. Rush hour traffic and added traffic for people traveling out of town for the Labor Day weekend...and i got to the wedding just 15 minutes before starting time. Luckily i wasn't the only one with that problem and at least one of the bride's family members also got stuck in traffic so that gave me a little bit more time to get "pre-ceremony" shots. Three hours later and i was exhausted, back hurting and both sets flash batteries dead. I had thought bride was set to pay me full $150, but i nearly left without remembering payment at all. i went back in and she said she was making out the check for me. She gave me only $75. Which, is a good and bad thing. I had been counting on the 150 to pay bills and get me thru the week to payday, but only getting 1/2 is good also b/c it will push me to get all the images worked up and delivered (and therefore off my stress radar/shoulders). My third paid wedding will be at the end of the month.

i hate working weddings...just hate it. I suppose i wouldn't hate them so much if i was getting paid the $1,000 or so that my work (and the amount of total work i put into it) is worth, but these have all been friends and my lack of self-worth and confidence in doing them has kept me from charging more yet.

The portrait sitting was stressful also, it was a mom who wanted me to do pics with her and her 13-year-old son. He, however, did NOT want to do it, nor smile, nor sit still for anything. They actually got into a tiff while i was trying to get a decent photo of the two of them together. Ugh. Luckily tho, she paid me cash and the full amount. She also said her niece told her to tell me she wants me to do her senior portraits and to ask how much i'd charge. I told her i'm only charging $100 right now, but that will soon go up. She agreed that wasn't enough for me to be charging for senior portraits, but of course seemed pleased that i'd do her nieces for that amount.

Soon, when i feel more secure about actually doing portrait sittings on consignment, then i will charge more and take fewer jobs. Right now tho...i just need to make rent each month and keep utilities on.

Another venture that is up and coming is online photography tutoring. I already have one student lined up who will pay me $25 for 1-2 hours of my individual teaching online. Eventually that will be $25/hour, but since she is my first i need to make sure she gets her money's worth which will help generate word of month. As, this would be perfect for me to do since i can do it from home and at any hour of day i feel like....and even in my pajamas

The other venture, actually one I'm more excited about, just kind of landed in my lap this past week. A photographer I met online some time back has just been hired to roam the country shooting calendar/postcard photos and in he informed me that he will need my help in the future to help him quickly shoot my area...and that the company is always hurting for images from my area and he feels pretty certain he can sell many of my images to them for calendars. This is so fun to me as i often see calendars and postcards around and have wondered how i could get an "in" with one of those company's to sell my "non-news" photos!

So...anyway, lots of good possibilities on the horizon for me right now....i just need to prioritize and follow through on many of them and i feel i will be well on my way to being able to purchase my own equipment...so as to never again have to be fearful of not having a good camera if ever i had to or needed to leave the paper....not that i plan on leaving my current paper anytime soon...i'd just rather be safe than sorry.

hugs,
Jenna

historyteach

Jenna;

FYI; Your stress link isn't working.

Shalom!

shutterbug

Thanks Teach...i just noticed that it takes me to my e-mail where i have my Flylady stuff! LOL. Opps....the links to year 2 and 3 arn't working either darn it. I'll PM you.

shutterbug

year 3: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...urnal-iii.html

year 2: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-year-2-a.html

looks like all the rest are working. Thanks again Teach

shutterbug

so i wrote a post here earilier today and it disappeared....or the way my mind has been the past 24 hours....maybe i just 'thought' i did. dunno.

today was one that brought on a near rage in dealing with insurance, local pharmacy and mental health provider. i've been without my Wellies for over a week now and was going through withdrawls from not having my Effexor today (and only half dose yesterday as that's all i had left). Pharmacies here are stupid and don't listen. i took them a prescription the ER doc had written for the wellies and effexor last week (as my other ones expired on 31st), but i could only afford to refill a week's worth of the effexor ...and the wellbutrin script was on the same paper. I told the stupid pharmacy gal i only wanted the effexor and only a week's worth, but an hour later i was told that only ONE of my scripts was ready and that was the wellbutrin. Crimey!!

then they said goofy ER doc didn't put "XR" on the Effexor to indicate it was extended release and so pharmacist said "no refill until we hear from doc". I argued, of course and after 1/2 an hour wait in the drive thru...finally go the 7 stupid pills.

Then....THEN when stupid insurance girl didn't call back like she'd promised...i called...and OF COURSE got someone totally new. I argued with this one for quite a while on the phone before FINALLY pulling it out of her that they had NO claims that had been submitted from my health provider for the 2007 calendar year...only 2006. And since i don't give a DAMN about anything dealing with 2006 since it has NO bearing on my current coverage....well i was hot.

I left a very unkind voice mail on the secretary's voice mail who is supposed to have been working on submitting all the 2007 claims...and it took everything i had to keep from cusing her out to the point of verbal abuse...and all on her voice mail. After shooting my last assignemnt for the day i was calmer and called my therapist and told her the same information in a gentler, but still stern voice.

An hour later the secretary called me back and explained that it's b/c my insurance is Blue Cross Blue Shield in a different state that they are just not registering all the claims for some damn reason and she is going to call tomorrow.

thoughts of strangling people and my own hospitalization came to mind. I didn't cry b/c i tried so hard not to (having gone to the effort of wearing my false eyelashes today), but i was really ready to punch someone and kick and scream and cus out the whole world.

And...i had already gone to the effort of pushing myself to do one of those 'little' tasks that are the hardest for me to do...and called 2 signiture loan companies to see about a small loan to help me get things straight and back on track financially....but no go.

And...the stupid security guy at the capital today was a total ass over having to get up off his chair to reach down and get a bucket for me to put my camera in so it would be safe going thru the x-ray machine. He tried to make me sit it in one of those little bowls you put your watch and keys in and while trying to make it fit i said "this is more than $5,000 worth of equipment your asking me to squeese in this." In a huff he finally got a bucket and slammed it down on the conveyer belt. Damn! I mean really.....why does MY world have to be full of all the assholes??

And the cusing...yes...i have starting cusing up a storm lately. The new copy editor is a sailor and the veteran copy editor has pointed out several times that both he and myself have picked up her horrid habit of cusing all the time -- which just furthers my own opinions about her not being a good influence in my life....as none of the healthy people in my life whom i cherish...are sailors and yet all the toxic people from my past all were. Go fig.

so....struggling i am. frustraited and tired and just sitting here wondering how much fight i have left in me to keep all this up for very much longer. I really am fighting a loosing battle with my finances even tho I've been doing really well at keeping away from casinos and gambling. (funny how being broke will help with that huh?)

oh...and my lungs...yes my lungs.....i don't know how much longer they are going to hold up either. It just dawned on me that it must be anxiety triggering my chest tightening more often than usual....as today i took one of the left over doses from my late step-grandfather's COPD med and i'm already struggling to breath again...and my lungs have been tightening over the past hour.

It has to be stress and anxiety b/c i've cut my smoking down to more than 1/2 what i was smoking just a few months ago...and i have better meds now too. So it has to be...yep, it hurts....

Dispite being stressed, depressed and everything else....i haven't been as needy lately. I guess i figure it's a result of that basic need pyrimid concept....that we have to have our physcial met first and only then do we search to have the emotional needs met. As in...'i could care less if anyone loves me right now b/c all i'm focused on is will my utilities be on tomorrow, will i have money for food, gas to do my job and not get fired, can i breath.' you know....those trivial things like that.

i'll feel better in the morning. this i know. i should be back to my usual, optomistic, fighter self by morning....i pray.

Jenna

historyteach

(((Jenna)))
I'm so sorry you're going through all this stressful stuff.
My thoughts and prayers remain with you...

Shalom!

shutterbug

thanks for the link fix Teach. and thanks for your warm thoughts. i know you are going through some difficult things too. ((hugs))

Tena.....you okay? I have all my fingers and toes crossed that the motor sells soon. Miss you. hugs.

Live

Danny went to get it out of his friends' barn today.

I am fine. Just less chatty?
But I think of you all the time.

And, with PMS, it is a good time to keep my mouth shut!

shutterbug

yeah, i know i'm PMS-ing too. I'm too stressed and depressed not to be. I hate that this stupid monthly thing has to affect me so much emotionally. Isn't it enough that i'm a woman and have to deal with it, but to then be bipolar and have it affect my moods so drastically too! Crimey.

Tena, i'm sorry for always being so self-centered and it always being me-me-me. I don't know why i'm that way and i hate it about myself and even when i try to not be that way....it doesn't last very long. When i think about it...it always makes me wonder how you could still be here listening to me after 3 years. i don't know, but i'm thankful. really i am.

May the world smile on you and hubs today with huge pearly whites.

hugs,
jenna

KatieRose

still praying for you.

shutterbug

my stupid horescope for today

i'm tired of being made stronger! Why didn't God just make me stronger to begin with????

i'm on the fence about needing to go back into the hospital right now. i almost agreed to do so today. that scares me. not sure why other than the whole work issues that brings up inside me and then work having to scramble to bring someone in to 'replace me' while i'm actually in the hospital. anyway...yep, more suicidal thoughts today. mom was over-reacting today about my car insurance not being paid and was calling me during the height of stress in my day today. all i kept thinking was "she's acting like my car insurance being canceled is a life or death thing....when the reality is that if i wasn't here tomorrow then she wouldn't give a flip about the car insurance."

yep.....feeling low and alone and too stressed to process my own troubles and issues. it probably sounds weird to say this, but i had been putting off starting this new "year 4" thread and i'm wondering if finally doing so has triggered some buried emotions. or probably, more likely, i'm just spiraling into another bad depression....or just need to get the proper meds back into my system again. Don't know. Don't care. just want it to all get better and quick.

shutterbug

so i'm still lurking around...surfing the net...trying to learn how to do paypal to bill my first photography tutoring student...wishing i had energy and more hours in this day to get started on unpacking and organizing this storage-room of a place right now. i've learned that after all these years that i really do need things in some kind of order around me or else it weighs on me.

my little cousin is finally coming over to let me do a few fashion/portrait photoshoots with her this week or next...as she has decided spur of the moment to move half-way across the country to live with her 1/2 sister for a few months. i think it will be good for her and definetly a better idea than others she's had lately about what to do with her life. i've learned tho that she doesn't care about letting people down so she may never show up for the pictures before she leaves, but since she seems to want a couple things from me (like a ride to the airport to catch her flight out next weekend) then she will probably make herself available for at least an hour or two of photo taking. (i've been wanting to do this with her for a while and have quite a list of shoot locations i've been adding to over the months as i've been out on assignments and noticed neat spots.)

Anyway....therapist made a huge jesture today and paid for some of my meds. She was going to pay for me to have a months worth of my wellies, but stupid ER doc wrote 9 instead of 90 under the quantity amount and stupid pharmacy didn't question why a doc would write a script for only 9 days of Welbutrin. stupid idiots everyone this week...i swear. Anyway, so she ended up paying for a week's worth of my Effexor and the 9 days of wellies. STILL a huge help to me and a VERY kind thing for her to do. At first i really didn't want her paying for them in knowing i would feel guilty for taking her on the offer, but she said something about it actually being in their 'code of ethics' about timely billing and such to insurance companies....and since this IS 10 months into my insurance year and still i'm paying 100 percent of all my medical costs because she never followed thru with her secretary to bill to my insurance all these months.....well, i said okay.

i just can't understand why everything is hitting me so hard all at once. i mean i was dealing with the same stupid pharmacy for over an hour yesterday, then again today and more than an hour dealing with stupid insurance company yesterday. And therapists secretary promised me she would call them today and find out what the heck is going on and then call to let me know what she found out....but i never heard from her.

it's just one thing after another after another. And before whenever i've hit brick walls over and over in dealing with the same issues....that's been God's way of telling me something isn't right. This time tho...i'm not sure what i'm suppose to do. Am i suppose to go into the hospital? Am i suppose to give up on everything? I don't get it...not one bit. I'm getting the message quite loudly....it's just all muffled and i can't understand what it is.

my eyes hurt.

shutterbug

when was that Lunar eclips the other day? Was that 2 days ago? Tuesday morning?

Speaking of such...i've come to realize that, thus far, if a guy comes into my life and he is an Aries then we will get along great, challenge each other in conversation and thought, have a little chemistry but more just really good friends almost like brother and sister...but eventually they realize i don't buy into the 'them' they put on for the world to view them as....so it eventually makes them want nothing to do with me. My best guy friend several years ago was this way and when he learned that no matter how cunning he was i still saw him as human, falable and not what he claimed to be....then he wanted nothing to do with me. At least that's my take on it...and that seems to be the case again. So tonight when a photographer on myspace requested i add him as a contact...when i was scrolling through his profile and noticed he too is an Aries....well i laughed out loud actually...as several things on his profile had already drew me in. I laughed b/c it was like a little light bulb going off inside my head. Guess it's like that saying about once...it happens, twice...beware, but THREE times and i'm not that stupid to make it to three times lol. something better sounding than that of course tho.

shutterbug

you know what's odd? when i continue seeing that a ghost guest is out there viewing this thread as i write, but i haven't a clue who. i noticed that yesterday too...lol....i'm sure it's not the same viewer...lol...anyway

so....HI....whoever you are

Live

Good morning!

Danny went to the bank yesterday and we are $200 short of what we thought it was, can't figure it out, guess we'll be going to the the bank today. Vomitus!

I just haven't been chatty lately. That group therapy has me re-examining quite a number of things.

It was calm in my head last night, so I wouldn't go to bed and ruin it! LOL

About time hubby says it's time to go to bank, that is when I will need my nap!

shutterbug

OMGosh Tena.....i'm SO sorry to hear that about the bank. As if things weren't bad enough right!!! That just breaks my heart to hear. You guys don't deserve to be struggling so much!!!!!!

are you doing online group therapy? here?

yep....nap time for me too.

((((love you)))))

Live

I don't have a concept for deserve.

It's a memory today, Anna (Indigo sent baby clothses French Packaging. The book By Eile Wiess? Night? Which I had borrowed from Dayna. And popeye picked him up a gator car. I frowarded it all out to Noah and Eli.

And excited about it! Mom has always been great with mail and it is so much fun.

I sent Arty (one of the ex's) a hunting t-shirt he'll like best and a BIRTHDAY RING for Ava Dawn, Big light pink topaz in light frilly gold. I (we,) sometimes pretend as back up godmothers. I welcomed Ava when she was 3, now she is 16? She's still holding her passport money. from a Christmas past.
His alcohol heart is failing him.
I dressed like a Victorian characther and took her to see the Nutcracker. Lovely poise and didn't miss a thing. Her dad and mi amore all escorted us.

shutterbug

Am i reading too much into your post or are you really, really struggling to hold on right now? You are definetly not your normal self and i hope you don't hate me for saying this, but dear friend....i can't make heads or tails of much of anything in that last post?? I'm really worried about you.

shutterbug

today was a better day for me. i got the Wellies started back in my system last night and i can already tell they are helping. Today was about as stress-free as most my work-days go...of course boss was out of the office today to and i know that always puts the whole newsroom at ease...but i could tell that it was much more than just that.

now tho...i'm feeling sad, empty and on verge of tears. no matter how hard i work or how "good" i think an image is that i create...i get little response. In my biz, little response to an image means it simply didn't CREATE a response in the viewer. I feel totally in limbo right now....as i go thru this big bump of a learning curve i've been undertaking. i feel like i'm messing my images up by trying too hard...and yet still not good enough to get to "that" next level of professionalism. i don't know.

Then....no response to my work...has me looking inward again and connecting it all to the "no response" from guys and friends that i feel in my life most the time. yeah....no response to me feels the same as being ignored...and being ignored is all those old deep pains.

really...i know i'm over-stating as this is all my perception of things right now. Reality is that sis and mom call every day and co-workers tease and say 'hi' and 'bye' and work guys flirt at least a couple times a week....BUT it still all feels empty to me.

And in saying that...i know that only "I" can fill myself up to become a whole person, but Lord knows i don't know HOW in the world to do that! So...i'm starving for someone to come along and hold me and love me....even if in reality they mean nothing by it and it's all empty actions/words....i'm good at believing such things when starving for it.

I need a partner in my life. i wish so badly i could be like several people i know who honestly don't need anyone else to go thru life with them, but i suspect they have already been nurtured for many years in ways i couldn't even fathum.

i'm tired of whining about needing someone....i just want someone damn it.

sorry.
sorry.
and sorry for being so pathetic. i hate myself for it.
guess the Wellies only helped my hide my depression better today.
Wish i could get a head transplant with an upgrade to blissfully unaware of how ugly, fat and pathetic i am. yes....why do i even try? I always end up back here eventually right? Each time i'm still fat and ugly and more pathetic than the last time i was in this dark place...only now i'm lonelier and more frustrated for lack of anything having changed.

i'm sorry to say that it just clicked in my brain....when super depressed people like me try and try and TRY, over and over again and nothing seems to help and all our hard work and struggles keep landing us head first into a sticky black wall of tar and blood....why would we keep trying?

I mean...i push out of the old work situation
i push out of the major depresion
i push out of the old, dark yucky house
i push into a new, brighter town
i push myself into new stretches in my work
i push myself into new actions in dealing with others
i push myself to try to look nice each day that i can
i push myself to feel good about myself by doing little things like wearing false eyelashes well.
i keep trying to keep the new house in order
i keep pushing to keep my car non-junked out
i keep pushing myself to keep office desk and work organized
I keep pushing to stay in touch with old friends

And what do i get.....not a damn thing.
So why push....when it'd be so much easier and simplier to just let go.

that's what clicked in my head.
i get it, i'm sorry to say. i get it.