hippyhippy

I have been diagnosed bi polar but I have major problems accepting diagnoses

I get very low. I contemplate suicide but do not really try it. I carry out silly behaviours that could ultimately lead to death but usually with the added prob of drink. When low I am classic depressive ie reclusive, appetite loss, paranoia. I get really scared during these times and think dark things a lot, but don't actually do anything. My past seems to weigh upon me heavily

Then I am on a plateau for a while.

Then I spend a bit too much (we are not talking major probs here) I am lively, I am happy, I don't think I am god or anything but I have increased confidence and sex drive, I volunteer to do things that I later back out of. My past feels happy.

Is this not normal mood swings? Am I on drugs for no reason?

What does it sound like?

Hippy

shutterbug

Bipolar II

Look up the difference btwn bipolar I and bipolar II.
Only a realitivly small percent of bipolars have psychoic features like thinking they are God or the Devil or a prophet. And most often those who do are Bipolar I.

I am bipolar II with rapid cycling. I am as you describe...severe lows, but not severe manias. when i go manic, mine are typically hypomanias (a milder level of mania).

Why are you so against believing the diagnosis?

hippyhippy

Hi there

I am against the diagnoses as I still can't help but believe I am creating this. That if I was to start behaving myself that it would all go away. I think I am in control and for some weird reason that I don't understand, I am choosing to behave like this. I am sure that indicates a mental health problem of some kind but I just get so mixed up.
I am going to shrink today so I will see what he has to say.

Hippy

historyteach

Let us know how it goes at the doc's.

Shalom!

shutterbug

you think that you are in control of the appetite loss, paranoia, suicidal idealations? If you could control it then it would get so scared in those dark moments. you get scared because of the LACK of control and the helpless feelings that brings. That alone should help you see that you are not "creating" this.

cinderellawkids

What you described in top post was me for years, and I refused to see anyone, refused to believe there was a problem. Thought I was in control, until one day it was sooooo obvious I was not in control. That moment was the scariest in my life. I several times Ive decided again with meds that I have me under control, quit meds and very quickly spiral to a worse situation than before.

I urge you to keep with treatment and never have to experience the complete mania or complete low, as mine is usually in combo and not fun

hippyhippy

thanks,
I have been to doc. He says I am definately bi polar and when I asked him what type he said it was difficult to say as I had stopped keeping a mood diary.
He helped me see some things and accept what he is saying a bit more. I asked for more input, in addition to my group therapy, in getting to grips with the BP and management/ understanding of it. He asked what I wanted but I said I didn't know! Anyone any ideas? He said if I can give him an idea what I want or that I think would help, he will try to set it up for me.

Shutterbug, that was almost what my doc said to me! Made it all seem a bit more believable somehow. He said it is common to believe you have nothing wrong with you when you feel good and to believe it is your fault when feeling bad.

We have agreed to have my anti d's changed from citalopram to fluoxetine as I have never felt the citalopram was that great for me. We increased my seroquel. I have agreed that I will consider lithium if this fails.

Thanks very much folks

Hippy

hippyhippy

I forgot he also said that thinking you don't have bi polar when feeling fine or good is symptomatic of it! He said many people stop taking meds when feeling like this (which I have done once and I admit, I got in a bad way) so kind of got me to say that I wasn't going to do the same this time. Which I won't.

Shutterbug (you are jenna is that right?) you seem to know so much about it. I read up but I never feel I sit comfortably in anywhere. You know, I am not completely BP I or II or cyclothymic or whatever, but he has just never spent any time explaining this to me. But then, I did stop doing my mood diary. Is self destructive behaviour part of this?

I think doc is not overly happy with my change of meds but he needs to listen to my point of view. Paranoia starts to strike again as I think 'he wants this to fail, as he wants me to take lithium' but I have no logical reason for saying that. I think sometimes UK docs get fed up that us patients have so many more rights than we used to!

Time for me to stop waffling

Hippy

shutterbug

yes....staying on meds and seeing pdoc regularly is VERY important.
I've spent much of my free time over the past few years learning about bipolar, addiction, co-dependency and other mental illnesses.

I'm not sure i recommended this to you yet or not, but "A Brilliant Maddness" is a good book to read and understand bipolar disorder better. Every other chapter is autobiographical by actress Patti Duke and the alternating chapters by her own psychologist. She is more bipolar I, where mania plays more part in her struggles.

Hippy, i think it will take more time for you to be able to "see" how the bipolar has affected your past behaviors and that takes learning. The book i just mentioned didn't completely fit me either b/c most bipolars experience it in different ways and her alcoholism played a big part, BUT.....in reading it i realized the SO MANY different connections from my past to my bipolar!!!!!!!!

Suddenly, "I" made sense to myself!! I understood why i had acted in certian ways in certain situations. The very valuable insight i gained into my past....helped me put my illness into perspective as to how it affects me now.

The book also has an ENTIRE chapter devoted to famous artists throughout history who suffered bipolar and/or severe depressions.

BTW, lithium isn't the only mood stabalizer out there....it's just the one that's been around the longest. If doc pushes i'd ask him why he specifically thinks lithium would be a good one to try as apposed to some of the others.

hugs,
Jenna

hippyhippy

Thanks,
you did recommend that book and I forgot to look it up on e bay or amazon. I will do that now.
I think what I have to get my head round is that things are not always black and white, there is a lot of grey areas in between. The weird thing is, that it was me who suggested it to the counsellor and then the shrink. If I look back to how bad I was, there isn't really a lot of doubt. Now that I am more stable, but not completely, it seems harder to put myself back to where I was at the beginning of this year.

At the beginning of this year, I left the family home, drove several hundred miles over a 36-48 hour period, gave myself a new name and talked to myself, cried to myself, screamed at myself, contemplated suicide and basically lost the plot. I only stopped when my doc phoned me and persuaded me to go to hospital, with the real threat of police being sent to look for me otherwise. I did so but was allowed home quickly if my hubby could 'watch' me. I was then put on an anti psychotic which is what really helped me.
I think this always made me wonder about BP too. If an anti psychotic is helping me, does that not mean I have a psychotic illness as opposed to a depressive one?

I just need to learn more.

Hippy
xx

shutterbug

As i mentioned above...some bipolars experience psychotic features. I've known 2 personally. One that only experienced psychosis when drinking and drugging....the other very much psychotic when off his meds. Actually, i personally know another girl who told this to me of her previous behavior before getting serious about staying on meds and monitoring her behavior. All three were bipolar I, but i guess if i've known 3 personally in my life...then that means i have to re-think my above statment that only a small percentage of bipolars experience psychosis....i'll have to read up on that now.

hugs,
Jenna

hippyhippy

I ordered that book, thanks for the recommendation.

Maybe I will get to grips with this yet eh?

Thanks for listening to me.

Hippy
x

shutterbug

keep talking out your thoughts and feelings here....the more you talk about it the less fearful things are and the easier they are to come to terms with.

((((hugs))))

hippyhippy

Today has been a funny old day.

I went to my mum and dads old house. Dad has been dead 6 years come the 9th. It is now a demolition site, mum got rehoused1 1/2 years ago. However, I wanted to get some plants from my dads garden as it was so overgrown and he loved his garden so so much. It was beautiful. To cut a long story short, I cut a bouquet of foliage that I am going to dry, and take cuttings from. The garden had empty methadone bottles in it, which is quite sad(House is in a very poor area)

Anyway, the security door was open (which it shouldn't be as kids get in and start fires, thinking it is cool to have the fire brigade get called out. The blooming little fools don't realise how much at risk they are putting themselves and others. Their parents don't know where they are half the time either. Drives me mad. The place was poor when I was a kid, but parents looked after their kids, not now, they roam the streets like pack hunters. It's not their fault but it is just so bad now. I am glad mum is in a newer nicer area.

I'm going off the subject. I went inside (with my hubby keeping guard, he was not happy but short of dragging me physically away he kknew I was going to go) I went round the house and to the room in which he died and tried to feel some connection with him, but I didn't. But I said 'bye' and wrote on the wall that I loved and missed him. I had this weird idea of his ghost being out to buy a paper and he could come back and read it later! Yet, even after this I still don't feel anymore connected.

I know I am not making a lot of sense, but I sense myself that I am being, feeling a bit odd today. Not bad, not good. I don't know if this is 'high' for me. I know that in a couple of days I wil think OMG, what have I done going into a derelict building?' but I am glad I did it as I wouldn't have normally.
I have also agreed to go on an expensive holiday with my mum (That I can't afford!) and spent loads today. But I would never do all this normally, but I think that I have denied myself pleasures for so long that there is a part of me that enjoys this. It is not like I am not in control, I could have said 'no' at any time, but I didn't want to. I am a bit scared that lithium will put me back to the over cautious person that I was, never buying myself anything, never being reckless.
But is it a high if I know I am doing it? The spending I have a safety net at the moment as we have savings, but they wil disappear. I only work 2 days a week as not fit enough to work more.
Yet, I don't really want to stop it.
Am I making any sense at all?

Hippy

PaperDolls

Make sense to me.

I remember something my dad always told me, "You don't have to come visit my grave after I die. I won't be there." Gives me the feeling that he'll be with me instead. I bet that's the case with your father.

The spending thing....I've become aware that sometimes when I'm having a bad day I think "I should go shopping". I realize that I want to do it because I'm having a bad day. I don't know if I call it a high, per say, but it's ..... something.

I hope your meds work for you.

hugs.

hippyhippy

Thanks,
the whole thing about my dad is complex. He hasn't been with me since he went. Duh! I hear people say, but I had wished it would be different.
However, I didn't shop cos I felt bad, I felt good. But I think the main thing is, it keeps me moving.
Sorry, I don't half talk tosh.
Hippy
xx