igetallnumb

I dont know what happened. Something snapped. Today I had to take care of my 2 little cousins and my disabled father with no sleep from the night before and withfrawing off opiates..... not a good combo. I was ok when the girls were here with me but when they left after my uncle picked them up .... I dropped something on the floor and that was it... my mind was gone.

The walls were closing in...I felt panic like never before... and I just needed to feel like I had some sort of control. I went into the bathroom and picked up a blade... it took every last bit of energy I had put it down and to call a cab and go to the psych ward.
When I got there I quickly explained. And being that I have prior incedents of self mulitalion and suicide attempts they wasted no time having someone see me. I was shaken up and from what the docs say "out of touch with reality" I didnt know what today was, I was confused even didnt know who I was at times.
The doctors had to strip me down and make sure I had no cuts. It was embarrassing but necessary.
Finally the doc came in with sedatives so he could talk to me clearer. I explained Im an opiate addict but he knew that already from my chart. I explained after some calm set in that i dunno know what happened that I dropped something in the kitchen and snapped. I then told him I had to run the whole house today and watch 2 children and a dad who cannot do anything for himself while withdrawing off opiates... he then furrowed his brow and said "you should have never been given that responsibility at all your not well enough for that at all"
The doctor told me that a person like me who is very unstable already when withdrawing off of something that stabilizes me is very very dangerous.
He sent me home by ambulette and had the paramedics make sure I was home with someone. (what a doc huh)
Tonight was so damn scary.... beyond scary. Its like your mind has hold and ur stuck u have to ride it ... thank god I didnt ride it all the way or I wold be in a locked down ward right now or dead....
Since then I have not eaten nor dont want to
Im just lost...somebody help me tonight ... im so scared of what i did

stone

Hi Jen, I am glad you did the right thing in getting to the hospital and got a good Doc too.

igetallnumb

thanks stone..

the doc was so shocked i got there on my own... being my history and family history with suicide...
for me to put that blade down.... took the last ounce of self control I had... im sedated now ... doc says i had to be.. no other choice in this situation.
So I start lithium tonight and he wants my dose even higher I need to be stable even if that means im zombied out for a few days
they have to jump start my brain.
I told him about this forum and he has heard of it! He told me to post my heart out if that what will help me vent go ahead.
Tomorrow i got some therapy... god im so glad i didnt stone... it would have been very bad....

stone

So am I Jen

igetallnumb

when i got home i checked my email

talk about timing ... i got into a college in west London that i wanted to go to !
I guess a higher power wanted me to know im here for a reason

shutterbug

so wonderful to hear....you seem so very wise beyond your years. congrats on doing the right thing in the hard moments! You should be very, VERY proud of yourself!

(((((Giant Hugs))))

igetallnumb

thank you shutterbug so much.
it helps knowing i have a support system it really does
you guys are amazing people such a wonderful caring bunch
im blessed

levia

i self harm as well so i can understand what it feels like for thoese urges
am glad that you got help

am here if you need talk
levia

igetallnumb

oh wow ... thank god for you ... I have so many questions...

I havent met anyone else who has SI
how long have you done it for?

levia

i cant pm back at the moment

i started when i was 13 am now 30 so a long time
i know a few sites that is supportive for those who are trying to stop
when am able i can pm you some links

Levia

igetallnumb

Lev thank you I will check it out