hi
hippy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 492
hi
Hi,
I am new to this forum.
I have posted in a couple of places saying 'hi'
I am 36 yr old and diagnosed as having bi polar. I have major probs accepting the diagnoses (is this normal?) and for the majority of the time kid myself on the shrink is wrong (please tell me if anyone finds this term derogatory)
I do not have major extremes. My 'highs' consist of elevated confidence, agreeing to do things I wouldn't normally, overspending (not into thousands....), undertaking of academic courses that I give up shortly after, hmm....increased libido (TMI!)..... and over drinking. Aprt from the drinking, I enjoy these times.
My stable times, I am like anyone else. I have fluctuations of mood but not extreme and I live a fairly normal and happy life.
My lows are for the better part, just an increased term of sadness and despondency. However, I do have times where I don't want to die, but I carry out behavoiurs that could result in this. I usually just want to be 'out of life' but not dead. Get me? I sometimes over drink in these times too.
I am on citalopram 60mg (I hate it, I think it does nothing for me but when I came off them I had a hard time) and seroquel (shrink is very blaise about the dose...50 mg nightly...or 100 if I want..take them during the day if I want....don't if I dont!) he is a touch eccentric! They help me but their effectiveness is waning (is this normal?) He is however wanting me to take lithium, which I have so far refused. I am geting rather paranoid (normal???) and think he is trying to push me to crises point as this is the only time I agree to med changes.
Hope to get to know you all better in time
Hippy
I am new to this forum.
I have posted in a couple of places saying 'hi'
I am 36 yr old and diagnosed as having bi polar. I have major probs accepting the diagnoses (is this normal?) and for the majority of the time kid myself on the shrink is wrong (please tell me if anyone finds this term derogatory)
I do not have major extremes. My 'highs' consist of elevated confidence, agreeing to do things I wouldn't normally, overspending (not into thousands....), undertaking of academic courses that I give up shortly after, hmm....increased libido (TMI!)..... and over drinking. Aprt from the drinking, I enjoy these times.
My stable times, I am like anyone else. I have fluctuations of mood but not extreme and I live a fairly normal and happy life.
My lows are for the better part, just an increased term of sadness and despondency. However, I do have times where I don't want to die, but I carry out behavoiurs that could result in this. I usually just want to be 'out of life' but not dead. Get me? I sometimes over drink in these times too.
I am on citalopram 60mg (I hate it, I think it does nothing for me but when I came off them I had a hard time) and seroquel (shrink is very blaise about the dose...50 mg nightly...or 100 if I want..take them during the day if I want....don't if I dont!) he is a touch eccentric! They help me but their effectiveness is waning (is this normal?) He is however wanting me to take lithium, which I have so far refused. I am geting rather paranoid (normal???) and think he is trying to push me to crises point as this is the only time I agree to med changes.
Hope to get to know you all better in time
Hippy
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Back in the USA
Posts: 2,661
Hippy,
We had a distant family member diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. She eventually got better with proper treatment and therapy.
Perhaps your dr is treating you medically, but are you seeing a therapist?
Im not qualified to give advice, just encouragement.
Intro
We had a distant family member diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. She eventually got better with proper treatment and therapy.
Perhaps your dr is treating you medically, but are you seeing a therapist?
Im not qualified to give advice, just encouragement.
Intro
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Virginia
Posts: 32
Keep an open mind...
Hi HippyHippy, welsome to this forum! I've gained a lot of wisdom and insight from members here, and I hope you do too. I am bipolar II, and I used to do some of the things you mentioned regarding classes and elevated confidence. But bupolar gets worse, and I didn't accept treatment. Eventually I had a horrible crash, which I won't go into here because it was a while ago and it's in my other posts. Yes, it's a hard thing to accept, but what I realized is mental illness is just that - illness. Not my fault. Sure, other people don't understand, but that's okay, that's them, and I don't share my diagnosis with many people, just those close to me who will understand. My life changed dramatically once I got treatment for it. It took awhile to get my meds right. But I am SO glad I did. Why not ride with this forawhile, take the meds, see the doctors, give it a few months, see how you feel then? For me, I didn't realize that my mind didn't work correctly. But once I got help, I could see what was going on. Treating bipolar isn't just meds, for me it's maintaining a consistent schedule of physical and emotional rest, eating well. developing a routine I am comfortable in. Read my other thread I've just started, "Huge Relief". It's turned out for me getting diagnosed and treated has been an incredible gift, I don't think I could have gotten through the last few months without it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Hi, I am unipolar with anxiety and PTSD.
took me a long time to accept.
And to accept that I will always be on meds.
Just went in this week for an overhaul.
I think it is important to work with a Dr you like and feel comfortable with. Very important.
I still have trouble keeping up a healthy routine...I am hoping that will improve with the new meds.
took me a long time to accept.
And to accept that I will always be on meds.
Just went in this week for an overhaul.
I think it is important to work with a Dr you like and feel comfortable with. Very important.
I still have trouble keeping up a healthy routine...I am hoping that will improve with the new meds.
Sav
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NYC,NY
Posts: 128
If you're really worried about this diagnosis get a second and third opinion. Bi-polar is nothing to be cavalier about, as I saw others state. But there is a tendency for doctors to "label and diagnose" quickly and according to trends.
This is not to say that you aren't bi-polar. But it is a serious disorder, and you should make sure of a serious diagnosis if you're uncomfortable with it. At the very least, it will calm your thoughts on it, which will help you come to terms with your treatment. Otherwise you could end up not taking necessary medications because of your doubt, and having fairly awful things happen as a result.
Ask your doctor or insurance (if you have it) for a referral for a second opinion. Don't feel awkward in doing this, a good doctor should approve of such a thing. If you're worried about the doctor's referral, you may want to get the name of a doctor from a friend or the like.
This is not to say that you aren't bi-polar. But it is a serious disorder, and you should make sure of a serious diagnosis if you're uncomfortable with it. At the very least, it will calm your thoughts on it, which will help you come to terms with your treatment. Otherwise you could end up not taking necessary medications because of your doubt, and having fairly awful things happen as a result.
Ask your doctor or insurance (if you have it) for a referral for a second opinion. Don't feel awkward in doing this, a good doctor should approve of such a thing. If you're worried about the doctor's referral, you may want to get the name of a doctor from a friend or the like.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
hippy, we do a lot of chatting on Shutterbugs major depression thread. We have kind of turned it into our little group therapy since there aren't that many of us here.
But she is bipolar and knows so much about it.
I had a very had time accepting my dx. And even recently it took me prolly 2-3 months to accept that I was getting pretty sick again. And then to go in and really rat myself out ...that took feeling pretty desperate and sick and tired of being sick and tired.
But I really trust my Dr and have been working with her for 4 years. We have a good rapport.
Most important thing, be honest about your thinking and feeling. They should listen, respect where you are coming from and work with you. But I also need to trust she is the expert...and she has proven that to me over and over.
But she is bipolar and knows so much about it.
I had a very had time accepting my dx. And even recently it took me prolly 2-3 months to accept that I was getting pretty sick again. And then to go in and really rat myself out ...that took feeling pretty desperate and sick and tired of being sick and tired.
But I really trust my Dr and have been working with her for 4 years. We have a good rapport.
Most important thing, be honest about your thinking and feeling. They should listen, respect where you are coming from and work with you. But I also need to trust she is the expert...and she has proven that to me over and over.
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
The first book i read about my bipolar was "A Brilliant Maddness" by actress Patti Duke. I have never liked reading b/c i can type twice as fast as i can read and comprehend anything....however, that book brought clarity to SO many aspects of my life and actions.
It's been out for years so it's only $7-8 and most bookstores will order it for you if they don't have it stocked. I've also bought copies from Barnes and Noble online where they ship it to you.
I am not lying when I say that the realizations about my moods that i gained from that book literally changed my life and with the impact it had on helping me accept what was going on (and what actually had been going on ALL my life that I hadn't realized was anything other than just my personality and who i was!)
Paranoia...is a symptom.
Enjoying the manias is typical.
Shopping, pleasure seeking, increased labido, risk-taking, greater substance intake....all symptoms as i'm guess you already know.
Here's what you probably don't know though....the longer you fight the diagnosis is that much time not spent tending to the illness....and bipolar disorder is a progressive illness when not continually managed. So....for every episode you have now....the number and intesitiy will double exponitially.
It's your life....no one can make you do anything, but if a doctor told you that you had cancer and you refused to believe it.....then that wouldn't mean the cancer doesn't exist! It would just mean that it was being allowed to progress and spread untreated while you got used to the idea of having cancer. Not exactly a good idea right?
This is no different.
Whether or not you have come to terms with it....the bipolar disorder is still affecting your life on a daily basis....and that is not going to change.
Hugs....and welcome,
Jenna
It's been out for years so it's only $7-8 and most bookstores will order it for you if they don't have it stocked. I've also bought copies from Barnes and Noble online where they ship it to you.
I am not lying when I say that the realizations about my moods that i gained from that book literally changed my life and with the impact it had on helping me accept what was going on (and what actually had been going on ALL my life that I hadn't realized was anything other than just my personality and who i was!)
Paranoia...is a symptom.
Enjoying the manias is typical.
Shopping, pleasure seeking, increased labido, risk-taking, greater substance intake....all symptoms as i'm guess you already know.
Here's what you probably don't know though....the longer you fight the diagnosis is that much time not spent tending to the illness....and bipolar disorder is a progressive illness when not continually managed. So....for every episode you have now....the number and intesitiy will double exponitially.
It's your life....no one can make you do anything, but if a doctor told you that you had cancer and you refused to believe it.....then that wouldn't mean the cancer doesn't exist! It would just mean that it was being allowed to progress and spread untreated while you got used to the idea of having cancer. Not exactly a good idea right?
This is no different.
Whether or not you have come to terms with it....the bipolar disorder is still affecting your life on a daily basis....and that is not going to change.
Hugs....and welcome,
Jenna
hippy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 492
thanks
thanks for the replies. A lot of food for thought there.
I was a bit freaked to realise it is progressive. My shrink is lovely but he is a tad eccentric and blaise about things. He gave me the impression that I might have had a 'one off' bi polar illness and might get better and never be bothered with it again.
I will have a look for that book on E bay jenna. I have been advised to read a couple of books but keep on putting it off as I don't want to accept the information it may give me.
I sort of trust the doctors diagnoses, but then I think it is me making it up. Am I making myself fit the symptoms rather than them fitting into what I do. Everything about me seems to be contradictory. Sometimes I think I 'want' to be ill but then I think that I hate it. Doctor says that is symptomatic of the depressive side of the illness, believing it is 'me' 'my fault' But I really really do believe I can stop this if I really tried, but I seem unable to try.
I do know that I have massive mood swings. Anger is a big one. When I get angry I tend to do stupid self destructive behaviours.
Sorry for going on. It helps to write it all down as I make a bit more sense of it.
Hippy
I was a bit freaked to realise it is progressive. My shrink is lovely but he is a tad eccentric and blaise about things. He gave me the impression that I might have had a 'one off' bi polar illness and might get better and never be bothered with it again.
I will have a look for that book on E bay jenna. I have been advised to read a couple of books but keep on putting it off as I don't want to accept the information it may give me.
I sort of trust the doctors diagnoses, but then I think it is me making it up. Am I making myself fit the symptoms rather than them fitting into what I do. Everything about me seems to be contradictory. Sometimes I think I 'want' to be ill but then I think that I hate it. Doctor says that is symptomatic of the depressive side of the illness, believing it is 'me' 'my fault' But I really really do believe I can stop this if I really tried, but I seem unable to try.
I do know that I have massive mood swings. Anger is a big one. When I get angry I tend to do stupid self destructive behaviours.
Sorry for going on. It helps to write it all down as I make a bit more sense of it.
Hippy
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
please go on and on....believe me when i say i know how beneficial it is to write down internal thoughts.....that is the whole reason i have journaled on this site for 3 years!
I didn't want to scare you. Sorry for that. It is progressive when left alone, but not so much when medicated and treated correctly and consistantly. I should have added that part.
Why bipolar disorder is so difficult for many to come to terms with and for even many doctors to understand is because of the lenth range of what I will call "and absolute cycle". It took about 7 years for me to complete my first absolute cycle and in the middle of most of those years i seemed absolutely normal and had no clue what would happen in time. I was usually go-go-go and thinking i was just able to push myself more than most people could on little amounts of sleep. And i kept returning to the doctor ever several months with complaints of a low-grade depression that kept haunting me because i couldn't get myself to take my meds every day.
My first real "absolute" cycle began with a major depressive episode lasting about a year in college. Then, I got better and 7 years later.....BOOM...another major depression - that was at least twice as deep and destructive and that lasted for TWO years!
no one diagnosed me bipolar in college during that first episode...so because of that the minor mood swings during all the time after that was 'damaging' a part of my brain and leading up to the beginning of the next absolute cycle (which starts with a major depressive episode for me).
Now, i even fear that my next absolute cycle has shortened because of the progressiveness and not being medicated for those 7 years.
Your doc is right about the thinking everything is your fault. That's why depression is so distructive is because it gets to us at the core of ourselves and blame ourselves for it all.
Here's another thing you might not know yet.....20 percent of bipolars succeed at committing suicide. Another reason not to take the diagnosis lightly.
I agree with what others said....try different docs for more opinions, but also to find one you 'click' with the best. it will help you a lot if you find a doctor you click with and feel confident about.
Also....therapy. i can't say enough about how helpful it would be to you right now as all this can be a lot to take in and it helps to have a regular person to see (whom you also "click" with) that can help you figure it all out and can also be an objective outsider who can notice changes in moods and behavoirs. good therapists also have tons of resources at their fingertips to help us navigate with things get tough.
As for the anger...that's another symptom. Sometimes, I can turn into a complete b***ch in to seconds flat to those i love the most.
The book is an important read for you i believe. If you don't look out for your future...who will??
I personally want to be happy so i do everything i can to stay that way....i've had to accept this illness i was born with so that i could start learning how to live beyond it and toward happiness.
hugs
Jenna
I didn't want to scare you. Sorry for that. It is progressive when left alone, but not so much when medicated and treated correctly and consistantly. I should have added that part.
Why bipolar disorder is so difficult for many to come to terms with and for even many doctors to understand is because of the lenth range of what I will call "and absolute cycle". It took about 7 years for me to complete my first absolute cycle and in the middle of most of those years i seemed absolutely normal and had no clue what would happen in time. I was usually go-go-go and thinking i was just able to push myself more than most people could on little amounts of sleep. And i kept returning to the doctor ever several months with complaints of a low-grade depression that kept haunting me because i couldn't get myself to take my meds every day.
My first real "absolute" cycle began with a major depressive episode lasting about a year in college. Then, I got better and 7 years later.....BOOM...another major depression - that was at least twice as deep and destructive and that lasted for TWO years!
no one diagnosed me bipolar in college during that first episode...so because of that the minor mood swings during all the time after that was 'damaging' a part of my brain and leading up to the beginning of the next absolute cycle (which starts with a major depressive episode for me).
Now, i even fear that my next absolute cycle has shortened because of the progressiveness and not being medicated for those 7 years.
Your doc is right about the thinking everything is your fault. That's why depression is so distructive is because it gets to us at the core of ourselves and blame ourselves for it all.
Here's another thing you might not know yet.....20 percent of bipolars succeed at committing suicide. Another reason not to take the diagnosis lightly.
I agree with what others said....try different docs for more opinions, but also to find one you 'click' with the best. it will help you a lot if you find a doctor you click with and feel confident about.
Also....therapy. i can't say enough about how helpful it would be to you right now as all this can be a lot to take in and it helps to have a regular person to see (whom you also "click" with) that can help you figure it all out and can also be an objective outsider who can notice changes in moods and behavoirs. good therapists also have tons of resources at their fingertips to help us navigate with things get tough.
As for the anger...that's another symptom. Sometimes, I can turn into a complete b***ch in to seconds flat to those i love the most.
The book is an important read for you i believe. If you don't look out for your future...who will??
I personally want to be happy so i do everything i can to stay that way....i've had to accept this illness i was born with so that i could start learning how to live beyond it and toward happiness.
hugs
Jenna
hippy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 492
thanks
thank you for those replies.
I just feel so boggled!
I started to come down last week and while I have mood swings, they are generally in days. This one just keeps on and keeps on going down.
I really feel I have taken a back step. This might sound silly but I am talking to myself again! When I first took ill this time (a year ago) I would hide myself away from people as much as I could so I could ruminate things and talk them over and over and over. With the help of Seroquel, I got better, but now I am there again. Putting the kids early to bed so I can hide under my duvet and talk to myself.
I am in a really odd place just now and I think I am accepting that I need to see shrink again.
I want therapy but I can't afford it. I go to group therapy but it isn't doing too much for me, yet I won't give it up cos I feel attached to one of the therapists running it. I can't get the therapy on the NHS (I am in UK) I am on a list for free or low cost counselling, but that could take a long time.
Hippy
I just feel so boggled!
I started to come down last week and while I have mood swings, they are generally in days. This one just keeps on and keeps on going down.
I really feel I have taken a back step. This might sound silly but I am talking to myself again! When I first took ill this time (a year ago) I would hide myself away from people as much as I could so I could ruminate things and talk them over and over and over. With the help of Seroquel, I got better, but now I am there again. Putting the kids early to bed so I can hide under my duvet and talk to myself.
I am in a really odd place just now and I think I am accepting that I need to see shrink again.
I want therapy but I can't afford it. I go to group therapy but it isn't doing too much for me, yet I won't give it up cos I feel attached to one of the therapists running it. I can't get the therapy on the NHS (I am in UK) I am on a list for free or low cost counselling, but that could take a long time.
Hippy
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
seein the shrink again is a good idea. If the Seroquel helped you last time, then it's probably time to try it again.
That's wonderful that you are in group therapy.
It took me several months of group therapy that i was paying out the wazzo for before i realized how much it had actually helped instead of being the waste of time i felt it had been. There are studies to proof it's affectiveness for a variety of reasons.
Hiding away is typical of deep depressions. I become a total recluse.
If you feel like talking things out here then PLEASE continue to do so as much as you feel like doing. Not only is it great to get feedback on things sometimes, but it also leaves you a record to come back to in the future to see how you were thinking at the time and to help remember things that might have helped at the time.
Hugs!
Jenna
That's wonderful that you are in group therapy.
It took me several months of group therapy that i was paying out the wazzo for before i realized how much it had actually helped instead of being the waste of time i felt it had been. There are studies to proof it's affectiveness for a variety of reasons.
Hiding away is typical of deep depressions. I become a total recluse.
If you feel like talking things out here then PLEASE continue to do so as much as you feel like doing. Not only is it great to get feedback on things sometimes, but it also leaves you a record to come back to in the future to see how you were thinking at the time and to help remember things that might have helped at the time.
Hugs!
Jenna
hippy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 492
hi
Hi thanks for that reply Jenna.
I have come out of this one again! Again life is quite happy and calm and I have emerged from my bedroom and feeling able to live again! I phoned shrink on Monday which was just as well as if I had left it to the tues or weds there is every chance I wouldn't have done so.
I am on Serquel at the moment but it is losing it's effect. Last night I had to get up and take another one as my brain was wired!
He wants me to take lithium but I don't want to. I am going to ask him if changing my anti d's would be beneficial. I am also going to ask him to refer me to 1-1 therapy in addition to my group. If he can't do that then I have an appointment with a charitable organisation that can give me counselling at a low cost. (I can't afford regular prices but hoping I can get on NHS...I am UK)
My group was actually helpful this week and I spoke about how things had bothered me the week before and I now realise that they are not going to throw me out for being unstable, which is what I feared.
hippy
I have come out of this one again! Again life is quite happy and calm and I have emerged from my bedroom and feeling able to live again! I phoned shrink on Monday which was just as well as if I had left it to the tues or weds there is every chance I wouldn't have done so.
I am on Serquel at the moment but it is losing it's effect. Last night I had to get up and take another one as my brain was wired!
He wants me to take lithium but I don't want to. I am going to ask him if changing my anti d's would be beneficial. I am also going to ask him to refer me to 1-1 therapy in addition to my group. If he can't do that then I have an appointment with a charitable organisation that can give me counselling at a low cost. (I can't afford regular prices but hoping I can get on NHS...I am UK)
My group was actually helpful this week and I spoke about how things had bothered me the week before and I now realise that they are not going to throw me out for being unstable, which is what I feared.
hippy
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