stratoc

hi, im adam. i just found this site. in january last year i had my last drink, not really sure why i stopped, i was told many times in the past my next drink would kill me, had pancreatitus 6 times. i just stopped, booked two weeks from work and stopped, i think stopping nearly killed me and wouldnt recommend this method to anyone.
i went to a few aa meeting, whilst still a drinker and a couple in sobriety. i think im basically lazy, im very far from happy and like all 'normal folk' have good and bad days.
but god sometimes it gets lonely, im very much a loner, but it seems these days i just work, come home and go to bed, i tried early on after quiting, but quickly got tired of making excuses for not drinking and found it easier to stay at home.
but i always seemed to surround myself with very heavy drinkers, made what i was doing seem the norm rather than what it actually was a very severe illness IMHO
So dont have any friends anymore they dwindled away because my stopping made a lot of them think maybe they should stop.
my girlfriend was alcoholic so i had to leave her, and im not the most confident of people without the dutch courage, so i feel a little dissconnected at the moment.
Dont get me wrong, i would be dead today if i hadnt stopped, but my mind tricks me, i can only seem to remember happy drinking times, all fun and laughter. i have to remind myself on a dayly basis i was living in my lounge, crying all the time, trying to stop being sick by downing more vodka. the last year or so of my drinking was a very dark year all the fun had stopped, my health was failing, i hardly went to work and was a paranoid shaking wreck, i never ever want to go back to that terrible place, and thats probably why i stopped.
anyway thats me, just thought i would intruduce myself.
adam

indigo

Welcome Adam and thank you for introducing yourself, I'm sure you're going to like it here.

Taking5

Hi Adam,

Have you not enjoyed AA? That has been a godsend for me, I would be bored to tears without it.

Are in in the UK or Alabama?

stratoc

hi and thanks, i think im just too lazy, i have an aa sponsor, who is very like myself, i did the steps, but he tears his hair out because i dont like the meetings very much. i read the big book when i feel weak. i try to better myself a little everyday, and try not to judge others too much, but its hard, after all i was a self self self bighead for nearly 20 years, hard to break some habits. im in birmingham england.
adam

stratoc

i tell you what though, my first aa meeting was amazing, i think i cried all the way though it, speaking with others and hearing the stories and realizing i was not the only one was like having a ten ton weight lifted off my shoulders!

Rowan

Hi Stratoc,

If your first meeting was so good, why don't you go back?
You can feel that good most days if you reach out to the Fellowship.

stratoc

i went to a meeting local to me and someone walked in drinking, a rough part of town and a regular occurance at that meeting, so i went to another meeting at a different location and was talking to someone who was basically looking for an excuse to sly off and get drunk with someone, so i stopped going pretty much for self preservation. im not the strongest of people and it was a case of twice bitten........
adam

soulbleed62

is that common practice for meetings ? ive never been myself but dont like the sound of that

stratoc

i dont believe so, my aa sponsor said i was unlucky. It's just that alcoholism is an illness and you get people at all stages going to meetings, the only thing they ask is that you have a desire to stop drinking, and there were some people there who had been drinking all day feeling sorry for themselves so pop in for a shoulder to cry on beause the misses has kicked 'em out!
i would probably be a lot stronger today, but in the early days it just wasnt for me, and the only times i really really needed a drink in the early days was after a meeting, i mean we had just been talking about drink for 90 minutes!
i have had my only support from people i met in the rooms, and for that im very grateful, i just dont think the meetings were for me.

lostmdboy

Hi Stratoc,

Welcome!! Sounds like you really have had bad expierences with AA. Wish you could go to a few meetings around here. I always hear something that helps me. I mean every time. Man if it where not for those Peeps there I know I would be drunk today. If it where me I would keep trying other meetings. Sounds like you are doing a good job at being sober though. So keep doing what works.

stratoc

me too, if it wasnt for the support of 2 guys i meet through the first meeting i really dont know where i would be. i just didnt feel very comfortable at meetings, my first week of sobriety i went to 1 everyday and was very very ill for the first couple constantly being ill, crying and i blacked out once, i may just go to one tonight, i think it would be nice to see some of the people again.
my biggest problem was that i really didnt think i would ever beat the bottle, i had given up, i dont know why i stopped when i did but in the early days i really didnt think it would last and seeing others fall of the wagon didnt help me one bit, one guy went to a funeral and had a drink, he had been sober nearly 10 years, and i thought 'if he cant do it how the hell can i?'
i think my way has worked (for me) i just need to try and get some kind of socail life back together, im finding this very hard indeed.

stratoc

went to a meeting tonight, first in over a year. again the vast majority of people were warm, kind and very supportive. but again there was one who started a scene and i cant deal with scenes, so i guess i wont be going again. i did get some phone numbers off some good people, and i met a couple who i had met previously and were surprised i believe to see me sober. all in all im glad i went, i would have felt that i had let myself down if i had bottled out.
adam

indigo

Way to go!!

lostmdboy

Hey Adam, Take what you want, and leave the rest. Or another Hang out with the winners. One more? Keep coming back it works if you work it. Give your self some time to feel comfy. just sit and listen. Draw streghth from peeps coming, or back. I just look at those sad eyes, and know I could be that person if I pick up. Hang out with the peeps with the shiny eyes. They will help you. Give it some time.

stratoc

hi and thanks for the replies. i went to the doc's today, i have been having severe headaches and a temperature for a month or so. it seems i have a spasm in my neck from playing guitar and world of warcraft all day!
the doc told me i could stop taking my diabetes medicene as my last blood tests were good.
This is all excellent news, so why am i crying? It's because somewhere in the back of this alcoholics mind for the last month, he didnt want to hear the docs bad news. well their was'nt any, all good.
wether i admit it or not this must have been playing on my mind quite bad for this unusual reaction. and that's rather unhealthy.
people, please take this alcoholics advice, if there's something on your mind get it sorted, you could even end up with good news like me!
adam

Cekiya

I know what you mean, Adam. Whenever I am afraid of something, I start making "stories" up in my head. I have never encountered a scenario as bad as the one I made up in my head beforehand. It's almost like I need to create some big drama to feel alive or something. I think that is part of my whacked-out alcoholic thinking process.

Well, good on you for being healthy! You give me hope, and heading into my first alcohol-less weekend, I will need it!

Cekiya

Fluttering

hey Adam
how is it going for you?

glad you are here!

stratoc

hi, the doc gave me some tablets for the headache/ neck spasm thing. he told me to take 2 when in bed and not before.
i have very restless nights, i know this because i often wake with pulled muscles etc. and everynight i dream i am drinking from a scotch bottle at work, every morning i seem to had a sudo hangover for about half an hour or so.
many nights i find it easier not to bother and stay up.
however, i took these tablets and was out like a light pretty much straight away, i woke ten hours later feeling as fresh as a daisy! first time in nearly two years!
so to answer your question, it's going pretty well!
adam