msh58

went sober eight days sometime last week or so, longest i've been in about five, six years. Amazing thing about being sober that long i found is that i proved i can do it for every day of the week. i'm not a lost cause. I really wasn't sure until then.

been drinking again though, was unable to find what i needed for The Nights. Been lurking here for a week. Lot of it here seems to be go to meeting, etc... I get out of work too late. Checked it on the internet for my city. There isn't a meeting of any kind after 930pm. So i'm turning to the internet once again, talking and especially listening here and a couple of places.

i've been on a diet since the beginning of the year. I looked at a bunch of them, tried them, did the trial and error on myself from what they said, mixed it with what i was already eating along with my own ideas and have lost 14 pounds. some weeks up some weeks down figuring it out. Its taken awhile but its been finally mostly down recently after six months of trying to figure it out. Losing that weight is the only self improvement type of thing i've ever accomplished as far as changing myself goes

afraid its the same way with recovery for me. I envy the people that get into a program, do it to the word, understand it all and it works, then walk out sober and out of loyalty, spread it. i'm sure a bunch of them would claim desperation is a big help, but i've already been there, the last time two weeks ago, about to be fired from both of my jobs for very good reasons while puking in between phone calls. lateness and sick days being the culprit of course. I survived this round, probably my last.

I've read the big book, liferings workbook, rational recovery and i joined smart recovery online tonight along with this site here. I think i'm one of those nightmares that need everything possible as far as sobriety goes, every viewpoint every program everything. So i'm looking into it all. trying to suck it all up like a sponge, at least what i'm able to understand from them. Thats the problem, i don't understand a lot of it, so much i've learned about, to me, just doesn't seem to apply to addiction the way i experience it from any program. Like the diets i mentioned, i'm just taking pieces from every direction hoping it adds up to a whole like the diet has. Guess i'm hoping for results even if i never understand.

Gotta start with bedrock though and i have bedrock. Guess the mentally ill here will understand this philosophy better than most. years ago when i was suicidal and ended up in a mental hospital i came up with this:

whether life is good or bad, happy or miserable, i will live it out to its natural end. That hospitalization was seven years ago and i haven't been back, no matter the suicidal thoughts. i clung to that.

my alcohol philosophy is of course similar. whether life is good or bad, happy or miserable, alcohol will not be a part of my life.

thats where i'll be starting from, and if thats all there is i'll survive it, but i'm really really hoping there is more to a whats left of my lifetime dedicated to recovering from this drug.

thanks for listening.

Ann

Welcome, msh58. You came rather late at night, so I'm sorry there was nobody here to welcome you, but I am glad you joined us.

Take a read around and get to know everyone. We have 12 step forums that may help you if you are unable to get to meetings.

Hugs

Taking5

I am not sure where you live, but there are normally daytime meetings at 9-10-11am that you should be able to get to, assumming you are not working 12 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Where do you live, roughly?

I'd pick a meeting and go. If you need everything to get and stay sober as you suggested, I don'tknow how you could not find time for an AA meeting.

Good luck and let us know how you are doing.

msh58

thanks ann and dgillz

there are early morning meetings near me, i have trouble with getting up in the morning, side effects from the psych drugs i'm on. Its nights when i have the most trouble with the cravings and would like to be sitting in one or locked up somewhere. Have been drinking 8-18 beers a night for about 7 years now after work, just binged on weekends for 13 years before that. Grateful my withdrawal isn't bad, just insomnia

Grabbing a few sobriety books from the library tomorrow. Should keep me occupied for quite some time at night between those books and this site and the smart recovery one. Its a start anyway.

something at the smart recovery site that had me thinking all day. They suggested listing out the cost/benefits of drinking. the benefits the person is giving up I thought it would be easy, but realized i hadn't thought about it before, my drinking has just been automatic for so long.

came up with three of them.

-makes feel better, in the short term, than i am capable of feeling normally.
-helps relieve anxiety and stress accumulated over the day.
-helps with insomnia

i haven't drank socially in a long time, even at holidays or weddings i don't. i gave that up because i always regretted something. pretty much gave up the people so i could drink alone.

i figured out ways to cope with the anxiety and stress at the end of the day. Pacing or exercising, getting home at night i leave the lights off for awhile, the dark helps relaxe me. today i got a nature sounds cd out of the library. Its helped also. I know the insomnia will pass

its that first one i'll be struggling with for quite sometime though.

thanks again