karrotop

good morning all...this is my first post in this forum....I have been sober for almost 4 months now,and the alchohol recovery forums have helped me tremendously.....Now,i am having difficulty in another area of my life....I have been seeing a therapist regularly for awhile now...
I just feel so,"empty" these days....I have always had someone in my life to,"care" for....aging parent,kids,and more aging parents.....I guess I never felt the need or the desire to have an identity of my own....the kids are grown,and gone,and are doing very well for themselves...I am now taking care of my mom,who is in poor health...
But,now,at age 48,I feel empty....i feel like a blank slate,with no idea who I am...as a person...I feel lost...
My therapist always has what seems to be good ideas and suggestions for me....taking a class,just for fun....volunteering....inviting a friend out for coffee....But,i feel like my feet are stuck in cement....I can't take a step,even a small one....what am i afraid of?My therapist says it's because i don't feel like i am,"worth it"....I also have a VERY hard time doing anything,"just for myself".....
I believe it's because I was raised by,and still care for,a mother who always was,and still is,a MARTYR...She never did anything for herself...always put others before herself,and then made us all feel guilty about it...even now.it's in my head that to do for yourself,or think for yourself,is somehow selfish.....
I am afraid it's just too late for me to build a life for myself....it's been so long...I have always been someone's daughter,someone's wife,someone's mother....
I don't know.....but any thoughts youmight have would be appreciated....thanks..KT

historyteach

Hi, Karrotop!

I think you've hit upon a question that many of us deal with at different stages of our lives....particularly transitional stages. Nonetheless, I also think that who we are is a sum total of what we do. For example, my son may say that he's straight, and he may wish it and fully mean it. But, if he goes out and uses, well, he's still an active addict. Our behaviors determine what we are.

I used to stand at the door, and watch the folks in the neighborhood go to and fro. I belong to a small community, and I know I"m completely welcome. But, I didn't feel worthy enough either. I was scared. I was a frightened shell of a person, never knowing what I was either.

Today, I partake in life. I go to religious services. I belong to the community club and participate in some, (not all), of the activities. I teach history for a living. I still need to work on myself, but, I no long stand at the door, wishing I could be a part of, but, too afraid to reach out. And that's ok. I'ts progress, not perfection.

So, what's one thing you would like to do, if there were absolutely no obstructions in your path? Dream big! Name it. Write it down. Then, start to work on it, one step and one day at a time. You will begin to discover who you are.

And we're here to walk you through it...

Shalom!

sunshine321

You are worth it. It sounds like a lot of negative talk in your head. It truly takes effort to turn it around to positive thinking. And a lot of practice. Keep working on it and stay in therapy. Congrats on being sober! That's a huge accomplishment!

Jenny

cookconfay

My mom too was a martyr. An alcoholic also, myself included we both are sober now. I am the youngest and was last one at home alone with her during some of the last part and worst part of her drinking. I've been sober this time 10 yrs on Aug 23rd, and have done lots of work on me, but still there are times when I still can get into the "wanna isolate and crawl in a hole" stuff. I think the biggest part of all of it is. . .keep on trying. I try to "act as if" until I feel it, believe it and that it comes 2nd nature. I am not near as negative as I used to be!!

AnnieUnix

Hi - I'd like to share my experience on feeling empty in early sobrirety. When you say that you feel empty, that makes sense to me. When I was four months sober I did too, because alcohol was my best friend, and I was mourning the loss of that friend. Just starting to learn how to use the time, now that I wasn't in the process of getting hammered non-stop. And of course all the time and effort that went into drinking for me - hiding bottles, wetting the bed (I was *quite* the lady when I drank!) etc. My shrink said that it takes a long time, something like a year, once we get sober for our bodies and minds to heal from abusing alcohol. Give yourself time, and lots of it. It gets better.