too much **May Trigger**
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: England
Posts: 441
too much **May Trigger**
*trigger warning – Sexual Abuse content*
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depression, ptsd, ab*se, r*pe, life was just a waiting game for it to end.. stopping drinking intense feelings, intense memories.I can't take anymore, my body is over, my mind is messed up. I can't take it anymore.
m/t
the bathroom is filled with steam
I feel I'm running down a violen stream
she stands hot in just her underwear
she's ill and still no one cares
mum comes in and out,
she's not allowed to scream or shout
drink this drink and just be quiet
don't speak, and don't dare come out.
The bathroom is the only place she's allowed
don't go near anyone, don't be in crowd.
mum makes her way way down the stairs
guess she really doesn't have any cares
John comes in, still she sits on the bath
she struggles, she finds it hard to breath
the hot tap still going, steam filling
She can't breath, she's strugling.
she now stands naked and bare
silence fills the air
he sits on the toilet seat
as her body starts to feel the heat
She starts to shake
her body aches
she can't breath
she smeels death
he takes her on he's lap
cuddles her body, but she feels trapped
she can't fight, her body to weak
she's has no strength to even speak.
The bathroom door is locked
is she now blocked
he holds her bare body tight
please please not tonight.
He says he will make her better
lifts her from he's knee
and stands her up on the floor.
she's shaking her body can't take anymore.
he's trousers are undone
and he's thing goes in her mouth
she can't breath, she's struggling
is this really happening
He takes her hand over he's
but her bodys to weak no more please
she can't breath
is she being put to her death
he lifts her on he's knees
and gives her body a squeeze
her body weak she can't fight
as he holds her body tight
the pain shoots thru her body
this can't be happening now she's all bloody
she can't breath, she needs to breath
her takes her to the bath
turns the bath to the shower
she stands there and begins to shiver
he cleans her body, her hair and skin
takes her out and calls for lyn.
Her knickers go back on,
no longer is she standing alone
her bodys to weak, her breathing slow
this girl is feelin so low.
Mum comes in, and gives her more drink
she starts to be sick in the sink
mum wipes her fore head
takes her down stairs and lays her in her bed.
*
*
*
*
*
depression, ptsd, ab*se, r*pe, life was just a waiting game for it to end.. stopping drinking intense feelings, intense memories.I can't take anymore, my body is over, my mind is messed up. I can't take it anymore.
m/t
the bathroom is filled with steam
I feel I'm running down a violen stream
she stands hot in just her underwear
she's ill and still no one cares
mum comes in and out,
she's not allowed to scream or shout
drink this drink and just be quiet
don't speak, and don't dare come out.
The bathroom is the only place she's allowed
don't go near anyone, don't be in crowd.
mum makes her way way down the stairs
guess she really doesn't have any cares
John comes in, still she sits on the bath
she struggles, she finds it hard to breath
the hot tap still going, steam filling
She can't breath, she's strugling.
she now stands naked and bare
silence fills the air
he sits on the toilet seat
as her body starts to feel the heat
She starts to shake
her body aches
she can't breath
she smeels death
he takes her on he's lap
cuddles her body, but she feels trapped
she can't fight, her body to weak
she's has no strength to even speak.
The bathroom door is locked
is she now blocked
he holds her bare body tight
please please not tonight.
He says he will make her better
lifts her from he's knee
and stands her up on the floor.
she's shaking her body can't take anymore.
he's trousers are undone
and he's thing goes in her mouth
she can't breath, she's struggling
is this really happening
He takes her hand over he's
but her bodys to weak no more please
she can't breath
is she being put to her death
he lifts her on he's knees
and gives her body a squeeze
her body weak she can't fight
as he holds her body tight
the pain shoots thru her body
this can't be happening now she's all bloody
she can't breath, she needs to breath
her takes her to the bath
turns the bath to the shower
she stands there and begins to shiver
he cleans her body, her hair and skin
takes her out and calls for lyn.
Her knickers go back on,
no longer is she standing alone
her bodys to weak, her breathing slow
this girl is feelin so low.
Mum comes in, and gives her more drink
she starts to be sick in the sink
mum wipes her fore head
takes her down stairs and lays her in her bed.
Last edited by Morning Glory; 06-30-2007 at 10:15 PM. Reason: Trigger Warning
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
WOW!
Are you going to take that to your appmt today?
Or have you all ready been?
My heart breaks with tears....and anger.
Such an innocent child, you were.
You have such an incredible way with words.
I can't call it a beautiful poem...
because it's content is an outrage
but you have conveyed so deeply and truly in a way I have never seen before.
You are so strong and courageous to be confronting this, speaking of it, getting it out...the truth....and I hope with help it will set you free!
No one could handle this alone!
Are you going to take that to your appmt today?
Or have you all ready been?
My heart breaks with tears....and anger.
Such an innocent child, you were.
You have such an incredible way with words.
I can't call it a beautiful poem...
because it's content is an outrage
but you have conveyed so deeply and truly in a way I have never seen before.
You are so strong and courageous to be confronting this, speaking of it, getting it out...the truth....and I hope with help it will set you free!
No one could handle this alone!
Determined
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On the verge of insanity
Posts: 330
I echo exactly what liveweyerd said
As always your poems evoke so much emotion in me but they are written with so much emotion.
You often say you are broken and you have given up the fight...but these poems ARE your fight. They are amazing and they are truly exceptional
Thank you for sharing J
Bug hugs
L
As always your poems evoke so much emotion in me but they are written with so much emotion.
You often say you are broken and you have given up the fight...but these poems ARE your fight. They are amazing and they are truly exceptional
Thank you for sharing J
Bug hugs
L
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: England
Posts: 441
I've had my appointment but I couldn't speak about the past, I couldn't do it and my counsellor feels i'm not ready. I'm a failure. i only wanted a bath when I got home but I forgot to open the window slightly or the vent and it filled with steam and took me to her life. I feel so scared and can't stop shaking. I just want someone to hold me without anything else but care no hidden agenda but it won't ever happen, there's no1 around, I'm on my own. I have no family left, I have no friends here in real time. I'm on my own and i'm scared. sorry.
I'm sorry if I made u angry. sorry
I'm sorry if I made u angry. sorry
Determined
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On the verge of insanity
Posts: 330
TKK
I would gladly hold you till you had no more fear and no more tears, but I can't, all I cn do is be here for you, and believe me I am. I have no hidden agenda except recovery for everyone of us.
Please be strong J, you DESERVE THIS!!!
read that again YOU DESERVE THIS.
Love nad best wishes
CW
I would gladly hold you till you had no more fear and no more tears, but I can't, all I cn do is be here for you, and believe me I am. I have no hidden agenda except recovery for everyone of us.
Please be strong J, you DESERVE THIS!!!
read that again YOU DESERVE THIS.
Love nad best wishes
CW
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: England
Posts: 441
I'm sorry, I'm not feeling too good..I can't settle, I keep being ill and I keep remembering i can't ground myself I can't do anything at the moment. I feel like i'm gonna cry but I won't let myself, I can't let myself. I'm back to work on Monday and I don't feel emotionally strong enough, but I have to. I've got more tramadol, I've got 150 cocktail of different tablets, i keep self harming and I've started back on self medicating. I'm sorry. now u see how bad I am and why I was punished. Sorry
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Dear friend, You were never punished because of anything you did. It is those who harmed you who deserve punishment.
Can you step up the frequency of appmts with your therapist. Once a week just doesn't sound like enough to me.
Please remember we care about you and we will love you until you learn to love yourself.
You are a beautiful soul!
sending many hugs!
Tena
Can you step up the frequency of appmts with your therapist. Once a week just doesn't sound like enough to me.
Please remember we care about you and we will love you until you learn to love yourself.
You are a beautiful soul!
sending many hugs!
Tena
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: England
Posts: 441
I cut down the number of sessions because I thought i was getting better..I can ask to see her on tuesday and friday, I thought it was better to try and go alone but again I think I was wrong because I've slipped back again haven't i. I'm sorry.
Thank u for the hugs very much needed at the moment thank u for being nice to me.
Thank u for the hugs very much needed at the moment thank u for being nice to me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: England
Posts: 441
Thank u liveweyerd. I feel so hopeless and lost. I feel a failure nothing seems to be going right at the moment. I hate depression I hate this feeling, I hate it. it does feell like I'm being punished, that I've done real bad things and being punished for it..they don't, they walk this earth all smiles and happy, and I'm not so it does feel i'm being punished. sorry.
To Life!
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 9,293
Please bring this poem to your doctor.
Even if you cannot speak of the problems you deal with, this piece can convey it.
And the doc's cannot help if they don't know the extent of pain you are in.
Please do it.
And let us know.
Shalom!
Even if you cannot speak of the problems you deal with, this piece can convey it.
And the doc's cannot help if they don't know the extent of pain you are in.
Please do it.
And let us know.
Shalom!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I am depressed this evening too, friend. So, you are not alone in that.
Some things happened today...not near the kind of trauma you deal with...I am the wimp....but the similarity is that it hurt me very deeply. And I felt like crying, but I did not. I just became very hurt, sad and depressed.
I noticed how you post encouragement to others and that is the way I am dealing with it tonight by trying to be positive for others and helpful....but not without going to one of my support groups here first and telling them all about what happened and how it hurt me and etc.
First I told what had happened and how I felt, otherwise I would keep it inside and become more hurt, sad and depressed.
These are my feelings and I am entitled to them.
So, precious, can we stop apologizing for feeling hurt and sad and depressed.?
What I do with my feelings are up to me and something I have learned the slow hard way...and that is to let them out where I am safe and supported. And not to punish myself. I used to do that too.
((((hugs for you and for me)))))
Tena
Some things happened today...not near the kind of trauma you deal with...I am the wimp....but the similarity is that it hurt me very deeply. And I felt like crying, but I did not. I just became very hurt, sad and depressed.
I noticed how you post encouragement to others and that is the way I am dealing with it tonight by trying to be positive for others and helpful....but not without going to one of my support groups here first and telling them all about what happened and how it hurt me and etc.
First I told what had happened and how I felt, otherwise I would keep it inside and become more hurt, sad and depressed.
These are my feelings and I am entitled to them.
So, precious, can we stop apologizing for feeling hurt and sad and depressed.?
What I do with my feelings are up to me and something I have learned the slow hard way...and that is to let them out where I am safe and supported. And not to punish myself. I used to do that too.
((((hugs for you and for me)))))
Tena
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: England
Posts: 441
Sorry Morning Glory I should have put a trigger warning on, thank you and sorry.
Tena I'm sorry to hear ur feeling depressed, i hope ur feeling alittle better now?
I don't think ur a wimp, anyone persons hurt is the worse because its their own and can't be compared to anyone elses.
That's what I do I hold in what happened, and how I felt and let it build up hurting more, adding more fuel to the already burning fire, my counseloor said that I should talk about something as soon as it happens, like when I was se*ually attacked in January by 5 men we spoke about it and how I felt within days of it happening and now I'm able to accept that it wasn't my fault and I wouldn't off been able to stop it (it still hurts, but not as much).
i do punish myself with feelings, as soon as I start to feel sad, hurt, depressed I turn it on myself and get angry with myself.. I've tried to let the feelings run and not fight them, but I get scared and my automatic reaction is to run from them. I will try not to apologise, I seem to do it all the time.
(i nearly typed it again).
Hugs to you and hope u are feeling abit better.
Jody xx
Tena I'm sorry to hear ur feeling depressed, i hope ur feeling alittle better now?
I don't think ur a wimp, anyone persons hurt is the worse because its their own and can't be compared to anyone elses.
That's what I do I hold in what happened, and how I felt and let it build up hurting more, adding more fuel to the already burning fire, my counseloor said that I should talk about something as soon as it happens, like when I was se*ually attacked in January by 5 men we spoke about it and how I felt within days of it happening and now I'm able to accept that it wasn't my fault and I wouldn't off been able to stop it (it still hurts, but not as much).
i do punish myself with feelings, as soon as I start to feel sad, hurt, depressed I turn it on myself and get angry with myself.. I've tried to let the feelings run and not fight them, but I get scared and my automatic reaction is to run from them. I will try not to apologise, I seem to do it all the time.
(i nearly typed it again).
Hugs to you and hope u are feeling abit better.
Jody xx
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