thiskidknows

After it was over
He said to me
no wrong was done
There was no crime
bruises and cuts
they are only marks
marks of my love
my passion for you
yes you wanted it
Now ur a women
and I still love you
those were his words to me
so he loved me,
it wasn't a crime
so why do I feel robbed
why did it hurt
love hurts,
so it must have been love
but why did he change,
never again did he
love me the same
that day, everything changed
what had I done,
my body changed
I committed a crime.
I tried to change back
I stopped my periods
by taking the pill
I had no breasts
until I was 15
then the love just stopped
the last time, he had se*
he was mad, he eyes
looked sad.
I had changed.
my body had changed
I feel guilty for letting him down
he still has the photos
and will always have
a part of me.
part of me things what
he done was wrong
yet another part,
feels I was wrong.
was it really ab*se
or was it me doing wrong
I know its not normal for
a man is he's 50's+
to fancy a person of 10
to have se* with a thing
aged 10, 11, 12, 13, 14 & 15.
but if it was wrong
why don't I hate him
why do I feel the blame
why do I feel the hurt
why do I feel dirty
why do I feel shame
why do I feel embrased
if it was him, wouldn't he feel this
and not me?

if it was him, wouldn't he be the one who was depressed who is just covered with labels, if it was him wouldn't he be punished and not me. if i was the victim why am I being punished, why am I the one who has to drink to block the shame, one am I one who can't do normal things, whose being using drugs since she was 12, why am I the one who self destructing if it was he's fault and he was to blame. why

historyteach

You don't have to self destruct.
You're doing it because you don't yet know what else to do.
When you get the help you clearly need, you will learn new coping methods that will help you to stop the self destruction and start the healing.
I hope you do so soon...
You are worth all that is good in this world.

Shalom!

butterflylover

lost, I agree with historyteach. It is NOT your fault!! That man is a very bad person for what he did. Have you talked to a professional? If not, it would be very beneficial. There are people trained who can help you deal with all of this. You don't have to do it alone. Don't suffer. Talk to someone. I really hope you do what you need to to get through this. My prayers go out to you.

Dee74

LC,
I read your 'whose fault' post...

what I went through was nothing to what you did...it was a friend of the family - he was disabled like me - I thought he was cool, I trusted him, and he took advantage of that - it was just one time, and he didn't do much more than put his hands down my shorts B4 I ran away, but it still f-d me up, and probably has had a large part in leading me into all the crap I was doing before I came here...hell, it was 30 years ago and I still can't post this publicly ! (but did anyway...OOPS...crap.)

people who are do this are sick....I'm not sure whether they actually believe it or not, but they will tell you they love you, and that this is the best way to show your love...yet in the next breath, they also say that you'll get in trouble if you tell, or that it was your fault anyway cos you wanted it, or that you're dirty...it's all lies and BS just so they can get what they want.

and it's natural for you to be conflicted...I mean I can barely work out relationships NOW - how are we supposed to deal with ALL OF THAT at 10 ?

and this was a person I looked up to, who I loved and trusted - it's harder to see what they said as lies because of all of that, but they are - they're just lies.

LC, You're not a thing, you've done nothing wrong, and you have nothing to be punished for. I hope you're coming to see that.

take care
Derek (D)

and, for what it's worth, I believe they do suffer - maybe we don't see it, maybe even they don't admit it, but I'll bet they do. You would have to be so kind of inhuman not to.

Ann

Something that helps me get through the darkness and back into the light is to think of myself as a "survivor" rather than a victim.

It doesn't change one moment of the past, but it sets a new light ahead and gives me strength to know that the future is all mine to use as I choose.

Hugs