jbm125

August 16,1972 my wife and I went for a ride on my new motorcycle. We left 2 of our kids with a sitter and 2 of our kids had gone to the Jersey shore with my parents.
We were going to visit friends who lived about 10 miles from us in the country. About 3 miles from their home, on a 4 lane limited access hiway a drunk driver pulled to a stop sign, stopped, looked left and right while I swerved from the driving lane to the passing lane hoping the movement would catch his eye, I had my headlight on and I thought there would be no problem. The drunk driver looked but didn't see us,
he pulled right in front of us and the front of my bike hit the drivers side of his front fender. My wife was thrown from the bike and hit a telephone pole with her back, breaking it. My right knee hit the fender of his car driving my leg backwards, breaking my pelvis, hip, right femur and the gas cap ate one of my testicles.
My wife never walked again. She spent 13 months in a physical rehabilitation center.
I went to a community hospital where I had 5 operations. I was admitted 8/16 and was discharged the day before Thanksgiving. My 4 kids were split up with my parents taking the 2 oldest boys, my in-laws taking son#3 and my brother and sister in law taking my 11 month old daughter.
We built a home designed to acommodate someone in a wheelchair, did our best raising our children, with help from our family and thank God they all turned out OK.
None in jail, all with advanced education, kids to be proud of.
Nevertheless I still feel guilty because it was my bike, my idea, I was driving etc.
My depression is overwhelming to the point I couldn't attend my daughter's wedding.
I'm uncomfortable around people I don't know. I feel 'less than' constantly. I'm 60 years old now and I don't see any chance of changing. I guess I'll just have to make do with what I have and struggle through life as I have in the past. Pretty sad huh?
Maybe writing this got some of it out of my system butI don't think so. I still feel 'less than' everyone and contemplate suicide on a daily basis. Maybe that's the answer.
Goodbye and God bless

Spacecat

Dearest Jack,

You are in my prayers, my dear friend & remember that you are never 'less than', despite how you feel or think & that you are not only important to God, but he loves you & so does everyone here at Sober & Recovery, as we are all family here & I would like to take the opportunity to welcome you on board, my dear friend.....

Keep Posting, as myself & others will always lend an ear to you, even though, I admit, that I, myself, often don't have all the answers, but I do know someone who does & he is my best friend....

God Bless....

margo

Dear Jack - I am so very sorry to hear you are still struggling so many years after this horrible accident. It's interesting how we are so quick to take the burden of guilt upon ourselves for things that happened that were not in our control. I too have had my struggles in this area and feel that a brother would still be alive if I had done x, y, and z. Of course, the truth is that I had no more control over that than you did over that drunk who made a decision to get behind the wheel and consequently changed your life and your family's lives forever. My impression from your post is that you should be incredibly proud of yourself for adapting to a tragedy and doing what you had to do to carry on. You and your wife have managed to raise good kids who have excelled in their education and will likely go on to do well for themselves in the future. Your wife needed a custom home and you made sure she got it. You didn't let this accident tear your family apart, Jack - it made you fight to keep your family together and that takes courage, determination, and a whole lot of love.

Suicide is never the answer, Jack. I've lost my father and two brothers to suicide and the pain of that loss goes on and on. You have a wonderful family who loves you dearly and would like to keep you around a lot longer. Thirty-five years is too long to carry this burden alone. Have you ever received grief counselling to help work through your feelings? Although you didn't lose your lives, you lost the way you thought your life would be and perhaps those feelings are what is driving your depression. Feeling as you do is a very valid response to what you have been through, but there are ways you can make it better and heal the hurt of all that you have suffered. It is never too late for change, Jack, and I would urge you to speak to a professional - your doctor, a minister, a counsellor - and get some help and support. If you feel truly suicidal, call a crisis line and talk to someone right away.

Please keep checking in here Jack and let us know how you are doing. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Jack - I've found the Pennsylvania crisis line webpage and posted the link below. Scroll down the page and you'll see phone listings by area. The person you talk to may also be able to give you some contact numbers for counselling in your community and/or support groups. Here's the link:

http://suicidehotlines.com/pennsylvania.html

Also, this is a link to a thread on SR titled "If you are feeling suicidal". I hope you can take the time to give it a read - it is full of information and I hope it helps you:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-suicidal.html

Morning Glory

Here is a link that may also help.

http://soberrecovery.com/forums/anxi...akis-ph-d.html

I carried guilt from my husband's suicide in 1975 and finally got a handle on it a few years ago working through it here on the forums.

It is not hopeless and there are ways to work through it. The hard part about guilt is that you really can't fix it. We keep carrying it around trying to make it right somehow. It doesn't even matter when others tell us it wasn't our fault. We may think it is our fault or partly our fault and I've never met anyone who could talk me out of that. I finally got better when I admitted to myself that it was partly my fault and accepted that. Then I had to give myself permission to let the guilt go. Guilt like worry are useless. They don't change anything. We hold onto it for some reason that may be different for each of us. Why do we hold onto guilt? What purpose does is serve?

Don't give up yet.

Hugs,
MG

ccgirl

Last year I tried to commit suicide. It would have devastated my family.

As far as feeling guilty, we take a chance every time we walk out our front door. The other day I was in the car talking on my cell phone (bad me) and I almost hit a telephone pole. Good people make bad decisions all the time.

It's not too late to get professional help. Everyone is worth it. And even though your kids are grown now, they need their dad. And how would your wife get along without you?

Please, please, get some help. Call a professional. I promise, they can help if you let them. And come back here. Often.