Codependent?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Thornville, Oh
Posts: 40
Codependent?
Turns out I am. I just made a post in another part of this forum about it and was directed to you good folks. My therapist told me (among other things) that this was the case at our last appt. I believe it to be true after doing some research. I ordered the Quit controlling others book yesterday. I am wondering if anyone could share some stories/life examples or maybe tell me what to expect when dealing with this latest curveball. My other thread is here:
EDIT * Sorry, I have to make 15 posts to post a link to another part of the forum, must be an anti spam thing. Anyway, it is in the "new to recovery" room if you wish to see it, or do a search by my name, I guess.
Looking forward to talking with you guys.
EDIT * Sorry, I have to make 15 posts to post a link to another part of the forum, must be an anti spam thing. Anyway, it is in the "new to recovery" room if you wish to see it, or do a search by my name, I guess.
Looking forward to talking with you guys.
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Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
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Welcome. I'm an alcoholic with 2 years of sobriety, and this week I picked up a 30 day CoDA chip. There is no shame for me in being codependant, but from being in AA I understand that it requires action and a program of recovery.
Take a look around here http://www.codependents.org/
Take a look around here http://www.codependents.org/
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Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
humm..
(in regard to your first thread) I'd first like to clarify something. There is no such thing as a diagnosis of an "obsessive compulsive rapid cycle bipolar"
I am a rapid cycling bipolar and i am a codependent, but when someone uses the term "obsessive compulsive" it's typically in reference to a completely different mental illness known as OCD (or obsessive compulsive disorder).
You may very likely be obsessing over a relationship in your life and quite often us codies tend to react on impulse, but OCD is much, much different.
In my opinion, the best forum here at SR to learn and talk to others about your codie issues is the 'friends and family of alcholics' forum (and also because for you there is an alcoholic influence in your family through your grandfather.
While many of us here in the Mental Health form are also recovering codies and/or addicts....this would be the perfect forum to learn more about your mental health issues.
Feel free to write or ask anything and welcome
(in regard to your first thread) I'd first like to clarify something. There is no such thing as a diagnosis of an "obsessive compulsive rapid cycle bipolar"
I am a rapid cycling bipolar and i am a codependent, but when someone uses the term "obsessive compulsive" it's typically in reference to a completely different mental illness known as OCD (or obsessive compulsive disorder).
You may very likely be obsessing over a relationship in your life and quite often us codies tend to react on impulse, but OCD is much, much different.
In my opinion, the best forum here at SR to learn and talk to others about your codie issues is the 'friends and family of alcholics' forum (and also because for you there is an alcoholic influence in your family through your grandfather.
While many of us here in the Mental Health form are also recovering codies and/or addicts....this would be the perfect forum to learn more about your mental health issues.
Feel free to write or ask anything and welcome
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Thornville, Oh
Posts: 40
Originally Posted by shutterbug 
humm..
(in regard to your first thread) I'd first like to clarify something. There is no such thing as a diagnosis of an "obsessive compulsive rapid cycle bipolar"
I am a rapid cycling bipolar and i am a codependent, but when someone uses the term "obsessive compulsive" it's typically in reference to a completely different mental illness known as OCD (or obsessive compulsive disorder).
You may very likely be obsessing over a relationship in your life and quite often us codies tend to react on impulse, but OCD is much, much different.
In my opinion, the best forum here at SR to learn and talk to others about your codie issues is the 'friends and family of alcholics' forum (and also because for you there is an alcoholic influence in your family through your grandfather.
While many of us here in the Mental Health form are also recovering codies and/or addicts....this would be the perfect forum to learn more about your mental health issues.
Feel free to write or ask anything and welcome
(in regard to your first thread) I'd first like to clarify something. There is no such thing as a diagnosis of an "obsessive compulsive rapid cycle bipolar"
I am a rapid cycling bipolar and i am a codependent, but when someone uses the term "obsessive compulsive" it's typically in reference to a completely different mental illness known as OCD (or obsessive compulsive disorder).
You may very likely be obsessing over a relationship in your life and quite often us codies tend to react on impulse, but OCD is much, much different.
In my opinion, the best forum here at SR to learn and talk to others about your codie issues is the 'friends and family of alcholics' forum (and also because for you there is an alcoholic influence in your family through your grandfather.
While many of us here in the Mental Health form are also recovering codies and/or addicts....this would be the perfect forum to learn more about your mental health issues.
Feel free to write or ask anything and welcome
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
no, you don't sound like an idiot!
Just the other day I posted on a personal page of mine that I hope some day I will find an off switch for my brain!
Lately, my thoughts have been circling about a co-worker that i'm attracted to. I know he's not interested in me and I truely don't like a lot of things i come to see in what little I know of him.....and yet....I CAN'T stop thinking about him. Day after day, hour after hour.
And my other main obsessive thoughts are about my job and being paranoid that i'm not doing a good enough job or that I aggrevate people and they just don't feel they can talk to me about what it was I did. I always assume people dislike me and that i've constantly got to be on guard to prove myself.
I've been told my many docs and mental health professionals that I'm "not crazy, just neurotic". Well....when I can't get those revolving thoughts out of my head, that I just mentioned....I often FEEL like i'm going crazy.
Relationship (or lack thereof) are the things I obsess about the most and the most strongly. When I realized last week I was obsessing over my co-worker...I came across a book i bought at a garage sale called "Obsessive Love".
It actually describes the "whys" of what causes those like me to obsess over relationships. Most of it goes back to our childhood roots....and not getting the required amount of love, attention and affirmations needed to grow up healthy and whole.
But knowing all that....doesn't make it much easier.
Does any of this sound familiar to you?
Just the other day I posted on a personal page of mine that I hope some day I will find an off switch for my brain!
Lately, my thoughts have been circling about a co-worker that i'm attracted to. I know he's not interested in me and I truely don't like a lot of things i come to see in what little I know of him.....and yet....I CAN'T stop thinking about him. Day after day, hour after hour.
And my other main obsessive thoughts are about my job and being paranoid that i'm not doing a good enough job or that I aggrevate people and they just don't feel they can talk to me about what it was I did. I always assume people dislike me and that i've constantly got to be on guard to prove myself.
I've been told my many docs and mental health professionals that I'm "not crazy, just neurotic". Well....when I can't get those revolving thoughts out of my head, that I just mentioned....I often FEEL like i'm going crazy.
Relationship (or lack thereof) are the things I obsess about the most and the most strongly. When I realized last week I was obsessing over my co-worker...I came across a book i bought at a garage sale called "Obsessive Love".
It actually describes the "whys" of what causes those like me to obsess over relationships. Most of it goes back to our childhood roots....and not getting the required amount of love, attention and affirmations needed to grow up healthy and whole.
But knowing all that....doesn't make it much easier.
Does any of this sound familiar to you?
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
Perhaps you do have OCD and bipolar disorder, but it's also good to know that psychology is such a difficult area that even psychiatrists mis-diagnos things like bipolar and ADD...about 50 percent of the time, as they both show many of the same symptoms. And YET, they are each so completely different from each other. I guess, I'm just trying to say that you may have a dual diagnosis, but in the field of mental health....there's rarely any "for-certians". Make sense? I'm sleepy so I may not be making much sense, but i've been "obsessed" (for lack of a better word at the moment) with learning about my bipolar disorder and codie issues and alcholism and such...since finding out about their existences in my life...and yet, I still sometimes pause to think on my bipolar diagnosis.
I thought I had a point for all this jabbering at one point LOL....sorry for cluttering your thread. I look forward to getting to know you more as you post more in the forum.
Hugs,
Jenna
I thought I had a point for all this jabbering at one point LOL....sorry for cluttering your thread. I look forward to getting to know you more as you post more in the forum.
Hugs,
Jenna
On The Bus
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Brattleboro, Vt.
Posts: 484
Originally Posted by shutterbug
Relationship (or lack thereof) are the things I obsess about the most and the most strongly.
Shutter, trust me, you are not alone. I too am a lonely soul wandering this earth.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Maine
Posts: 14
It will quite down in time
It has taken time but my head is a lot quieter now a days. Also I'm ok with what I think about, it's my actions that I have to be careful of. Practice changing. work a program it gets better
To Life!
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 9,293
Welcome to SR, justcrash! 
Feel free to post away. Ask questions, vent, and get to feel at home. There's lots of support here.
The book, Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie, is fabulous. Filled with important information and exercises for you to take a look at behaviors.
I hope to see you often as we both grow in our recovery.
Shalom!
Feel free to post away. Ask questions, vent, and get to feel at home. There's lots of support here.
The book, Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie, is fabulous. Filled with important information and exercises for you to take a look at behaviors.
I hope to see you often as we both grow in our recovery.
Shalom!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Thornville, Oh
Posts: 40
Originally Posted by shutterbug
no, you don't sound like an idiot!
Just the other day I posted on a personal page of mine that I hope some day I will find an off switch for my brain!
Lately, my thoughts have been circling about a co-worker that i'm attracted to. I know he's not interested in me and I truely don't like a lot of things i come to see in what little I know of him.....and yet....I CAN'T stop thinking about him. Day after day, hour after hour.
And my other main obsessive thoughts are about my job and being paranoid that i'm not doing a good enough job or that I aggrevate people and they just don't feel they can talk to me about what it was I did. I always assume people dislike me and that i've constantly got to be on guard to prove myself.
I've been told my many docs and mental health professionals that I'm "not crazy, just neurotic". Well....when I can't get those revolving thoughts out of my head, that I just mentioned....I often FEEL like i'm going crazy.
Relationship (or lack thereof) are the things I obsess about the most and the most strongly. When I realized last week I was obsessing over my co-worker...I came across a book i bought at a garage sale called "Obsessive Love".
It actually describes the "whys" of what causes those like me to obsess over relationships. Most of it goes back to our childhood roots....and not getting the required amount of love, attention and affirmations needed to grow up healthy and whole.
But knowing all that....doesn't make it much easier.
Does any of this sound familiar to you?
Just the other day I posted on a personal page of mine that I hope some day I will find an off switch for my brain!
Lately, my thoughts have been circling about a co-worker that i'm attracted to. I know he's not interested in me and I truely don't like a lot of things i come to see in what little I know of him.....and yet....I CAN'T stop thinking about him. Day after day, hour after hour.
And my other main obsessive thoughts are about my job and being paranoid that i'm not doing a good enough job or that I aggrevate people and they just don't feel they can talk to me about what it was I did. I always assume people dislike me and that i've constantly got to be on guard to prove myself.
I've been told my many docs and mental health professionals that I'm "not crazy, just neurotic". Well....when I can't get those revolving thoughts out of my head, that I just mentioned....I often FEEL like i'm going crazy.
Relationship (or lack thereof) are the things I obsess about the most and the most strongly. When I realized last week I was obsessing over my co-worker...I came across a book i bought at a garage sale called "Obsessive Love".
It actually describes the "whys" of what causes those like me to obsess over relationships. Most of it goes back to our childhood roots....and not getting the required amount of love, attention and affirmations needed to grow up healthy and whole.
But knowing all that....doesn't make it much easier.
Does any of this sound familiar to you?
Sort of, I do obsess sometimes about my wife and how she isn't that affectionate, etc. However, mostly what happens is I pick a worst case scenario (brother dies in a car accident, etc) or some other thing that I made up in my head and then I go through every emotion associated with it all while I am laying in bed and I can't stop thinking about it. So Most nights I end up taking sleeping pills to go to sleep.
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
There is alot of wonderful things under the Loved ones of addicts/alcoholics - Relationships forum for Codependency. The stickies at the top of the forum.
I am codependent. The way you say it sounds like it is a disease- which in a sense it is- but not an uncurable one. I think being codependent means different things for different people. I would highly recommend reading Melody Beattie's Codependent No More book. It is such an eye-opener in terms of delineating our thinking. For me, my codependence is that I rely on others for my self-esteem. I engage myself with the men I date so that if they reject me- I feel worthless and invaluable and use it as another piece of evidence that I am in fact a defective human being. This contributes to my overall sense of low self worth and non existent self esteem. I realized that I am covert in my need to control others- I try to control them in the sense that I want them to give me the needs I cannot meet for myself- make me FEEL self-assured, beautiful, special, intelligent, fabulous etc. I try to control their behaviors unintentionally because I will decode certain things that they do or say and overanalyze them to mean they are withdrawing thier love, or they love me less etc. When I step back and look at why I do such things- I feel deeply selfish... Like reverse narcissism. While I am not in any way obsessed with myself, nor do I even closely resemble someone who belives in their own grandeur- I do grasp and cling and claw at ways in which I can "Feel better" about myself since such a hole exists within.
You're not alone. I often feel like I'm going crazy too. If my bf doesn't call me back in a specified amount of time and I am obsessing that he is using drugs, my heart begins to race and I switch into this insanity mode in which minutes are hours and I am a lunatic. I have done nutty things that have left me feeling ashamed and embaressed. I am SLOWLY beginning to realize that I obsess about OTHERS because I am not enough involved in my own life- I do not believe myself or my OWN life worthy enough to focus on or to believe in...
You're not insane. That which is telling you that you are crazy is what we call the inner gremlin - it is our negative voice that over the years has taken control of us and has become the reigning master of our minds. I think that cognitive behavioral therapy, instilling our minds with other ways of thinking- realizing that our thoughts ARE irrational and that we CAN change them is the first step. I think it takes time. I am in no way there yet. If you ever would like to talk please PM me.
I am codependent. The way you say it sounds like it is a disease- which in a sense it is- but not an uncurable one. I think being codependent means different things for different people. I would highly recommend reading Melody Beattie's Codependent No More book. It is such an eye-opener in terms of delineating our thinking. For me, my codependence is that I rely on others for my self-esteem. I engage myself with the men I date so that if they reject me- I feel worthless and invaluable and use it as another piece of evidence that I am in fact a defective human being. This contributes to my overall sense of low self worth and non existent self esteem. I realized that I am covert in my need to control others- I try to control them in the sense that I want them to give me the needs I cannot meet for myself- make me FEEL self-assured, beautiful, special, intelligent, fabulous etc. I try to control their behaviors unintentionally because I will decode certain things that they do or say and overanalyze them to mean they are withdrawing thier love, or they love me less etc. When I step back and look at why I do such things- I feel deeply selfish... Like reverse narcissism. While I am not in any way obsessed with myself, nor do I even closely resemble someone who belives in their own grandeur- I do grasp and cling and claw at ways in which I can "Feel better" about myself since such a hole exists within.
You're not alone. I often feel like I'm going crazy too. If my bf doesn't call me back in a specified amount of time and I am obsessing that he is using drugs, my heart begins to race and I switch into this insanity mode in which minutes are hours and I am a lunatic. I have done nutty things that have left me feeling ashamed and embaressed. I am SLOWLY beginning to realize that I obsess about OTHERS because I am not enough involved in my own life- I do not believe myself or my OWN life worthy enough to focus on or to believe in...
You're not insane. That which is telling you that you are crazy is what we call the inner gremlin - it is our negative voice that over the years has taken control of us and has become the reigning master of our minds. I think that cognitive behavioral therapy, instilling our minds with other ways of thinking- realizing that our thoughts ARE irrational and that we CAN change them is the first step. I think it takes time. I am in no way there yet. If you ever would like to talk please PM me.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: coventry
Posts: 4
Heather
I read your post and almost felt I could have written it myself.
I have just lost yet another relationship partly because of the issues you mentioned and it's one of the things I am determined to bring up when I begin therapy next month.
I only heard the word codependancy recently but the more I read about it, the more clear my actions become. My ex partner told me he felt " imprisoned " by my need to control him and my lack of trust.
I too can't switch off my thoughts and go into " panic mode " if he doesn't respond to a txt or call. Even now we have split up I am having problems letting go and have deep seated fears that I don't know what he's doing or where he is.
I am 43 and it's the first time in my life I ever really loved anyone emotionally this way, ironically, loving him so much exacerbated the unreasonable behaviours, I guess because I felt I had so much more to lose.
I am so tired of trying to analyze my thoughts and behaviours and have been seeking psychiatric help for the last 10 years, always getting fobbed off with anti depressants.
I too have no self esteem and rely on other people to prove my worth. I am therefore often disappointed as nobody can love you until you can love yourself.
I want to thankyou so much for your post it's opened my eyes to myself.
H
I read your post and almost felt I could have written it myself.
I have just lost yet another relationship partly because of the issues you mentioned and it's one of the things I am determined to bring up when I begin therapy next month.
I only heard the word codependancy recently but the more I read about it, the more clear my actions become. My ex partner told me he felt " imprisoned " by my need to control him and my lack of trust.
I too can't switch off my thoughts and go into " panic mode " if he doesn't respond to a txt or call. Even now we have split up I am having problems letting go and have deep seated fears that I don't know what he's doing or where he is.
I am 43 and it's the first time in my life I ever really loved anyone emotionally this way, ironically, loving him so much exacerbated the unreasonable behaviours, I guess because I felt I had so much more to lose.
I am so tired of trying to analyze my thoughts and behaviours and have been seeking psychiatric help for the last 10 years, always getting fobbed off with anti depressants.
I too have no self esteem and rely on other people to prove my worth. I am therefore often disappointed as nobody can love you until you can love yourself.
I want to thankyou so much for your post it's opened my eyes to myself.
H
Alcohol is a cruel mistress!!!
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: crownpoint newyork
Posts: 820
Welcome Justcrash, kinda late in say hello but better late than never. I have been a codie most of my life. My dad was an alcoholic, I lived with a man that had an addiction to drugs, than later married an alcoholic. So u are in good company. Feel free to share anything on here, good to have u along.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 65
Originally Posted by justcrash
Yes, OCD. Not the kind where you check the stove 15 times before you leave the house or have to touch every object in a room when you walk into it, mine are thoughts. Not really relationships, but everything. I can't shut my mind off. My therapist said they were obsessive thoughts (I hope I don't sound like an idiot). Anyway, thank you for replying!
You don't sound like an idiot. I'm the same way: Can't shut my mind off. I have OCD (So one doctor says) but mine is more on the obsessive side. I hate it. I'll obsess about things from when I was a kid. Well, I had some thoughts about the past botherin' me so I decided I needed to talk to someone. I saw a psychologist (my first and only time) and explained everything and he said it sounded like I had a "touch" of Bipolar, not OCD. How can someone have a touch of Bipolar, lol? Either you are or you're not right? I know I have OCD. Believe me, I've been doing my research. He said that's what is causing my racing thoughts.
I do believe I have both. And once I get me some insurance I'm going to get a definite diagnosis.
I have 2 OCD forums that I visit. They have a lot of info there. If you would like the link just pm me.
On The Bus
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Brattleboro, Vt.
Posts: 484
Justcrash
I just wanted to add that I too have those kind of thoughts. The ones where you think the worse case scenario and just terrible doom and gloom thought.
I just did it the other day. My youngest son Blake went on a bus trip to the Boston Museum of Science, and I had thoughts all day that I was going to get a phone call, or this or that and something horrific was going to happen.
I have been this way my whole life. I am a repair person and I have to reel that kind of thinking in because I have a habit of diagnosing a problem and jumping to the conclusion of the worse possible scenario.
Example, I get a repair call that a cooler has warm soda in it. I immediately think it is a bad compressor and I will have to do this and that and I dont have time and I am panicky and a nervous nelly, it is just friggin ridiculous. Its usually something simple.
I guess Ive just come to the realization that is the way my brain was assembled and try to deal with the doom and gloom thoughts as I have them.
Also I have noted I think that way because I believe I have a creative mind and sometimes it is helpful just to attempt to write some prose and do something constructive.
Hey were all gonna make it.....
I just did it the other day. My youngest son Blake went on a bus trip to the Boston Museum of Science, and I had thoughts all day that I was going to get a phone call, or this or that and something horrific was going to happen.
I have been this way my whole life. I am a repair person and I have to reel that kind of thinking in because I have a habit of diagnosing a problem and jumping to the conclusion of the worse possible scenario.
Example, I get a repair call that a cooler has warm soda in it. I immediately think it is a bad compressor and I will have to do this and that and I dont have time and I am panicky and a nervous nelly, it is just friggin ridiculous. Its usually something simple.
I guess Ive just come to the realization that is the way my brain was assembled and try to deal with the doom and gloom thoughts as I have them.
Also I have noted I think that way because I believe I have a creative mind and sometimes it is helpful just to attempt to write some prose and do something constructive.
Hey were all gonna make it.....
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