Need to clean / getting angry
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Japan
Posts: 219
Need to clean / getting angry
This is for my wife:
We both work full-time. Her mother lives with us because she is unable to care for herself. We don't need a full-time nurse (Or at least we can't afford one). Her mother has Parkinsons Syndrome, so her legs don't work well. We don't want her cleaning for 2 reasons, the first is that she can't clean well (Perhaps her eyesight) and the second is if she falls down we're worried. We don't get home until later in the evening, so if something happens it will take forever to get to her. We'd rather she just exercise on by sitting and standing, and walking around the house, along with any other hobbies she wants to do to keep herself busy. She's certainly not 'out of it'.
Anyways, onto my wife. Even with both of us working full-time, she feels that she has to clean. She refuses to take time for herself. I clean as much as I can without going insane. Living in Japan, apartments collect dust like crazy. If we completely clean the apartment, it stays that way for about 4 or 5 days. Because of work, we just CAN'T keep up. My wife gets so frustrated that she will break down and cry. I won't...because I feel as though I deserve a day to myself or to NOT have to worry about cleaning or work. My mother has often given my wife advice "Go out, have a coffee, bring your favorite book with you. Go out for dinner, watch a movie, come home and relax. You deserve at least a day to yourself without worrying about anything else around you." My wife understands the idea, but can't seem to apply it to her life. I often get home before her and try to make the apartment presentable enough so she can sit down, have a glass of wine with dinner and just relax. BUT she'll get up, walk by something, and just FEEL as though SHE has to clean it. She never puts it on anyone but herself. She says she feels that if she takes the day to herself she feels guilty.
I know this may be a bad thing to say, but at first I thought that maybe these outburst (Her suddenly crying and feeling frustrated with the apartment) was just that time of the month. However, I don't think it's that. We don't have a large apartment, but we have quite a bit of 'stuff'. She wants to throw everything away, and I'm sure if she new she could, she would. We'd have a table and a few chairs. I always say "We won't live in an apartment forever. Soon enough we won't have enough stuff to fill in the empty space." She knows that this is true, but she's still frustrated, cries, and just can't control how she feels.
The doctor she visited (After I persuaded her to go) said that she "...just needed to relax." Or "...quit your job and be a stay at home wife." Not exactly the advice or help I was looking for.
Anyway, any advice?
We both work full-time. Her mother lives with us because she is unable to care for herself. We don't need a full-time nurse (Or at least we can't afford one). Her mother has Parkinsons Syndrome, so her legs don't work well. We don't want her cleaning for 2 reasons, the first is that she can't clean well (Perhaps her eyesight) and the second is if she falls down we're worried. We don't get home until later in the evening, so if something happens it will take forever to get to her. We'd rather she just exercise on by sitting and standing, and walking around the house, along with any other hobbies she wants to do to keep herself busy. She's certainly not 'out of it'.
Anyways, onto my wife. Even with both of us working full-time, she feels that she has to clean. She refuses to take time for herself. I clean as much as I can without going insane. Living in Japan, apartments collect dust like crazy. If we completely clean the apartment, it stays that way for about 4 or 5 days. Because of work, we just CAN'T keep up. My wife gets so frustrated that she will break down and cry. I won't...because I feel as though I deserve a day to myself or to NOT have to worry about cleaning or work. My mother has often given my wife advice "Go out, have a coffee, bring your favorite book with you. Go out for dinner, watch a movie, come home and relax. You deserve at least a day to yourself without worrying about anything else around you." My wife understands the idea, but can't seem to apply it to her life. I often get home before her and try to make the apartment presentable enough so she can sit down, have a glass of wine with dinner and just relax. BUT she'll get up, walk by something, and just FEEL as though SHE has to clean it. She never puts it on anyone but herself. She says she feels that if she takes the day to herself she feels guilty.
I know this may be a bad thing to say, but at first I thought that maybe these outburst (Her suddenly crying and feeling frustrated with the apartment) was just that time of the month. However, I don't think it's that. We don't have a large apartment, but we have quite a bit of 'stuff'. She wants to throw everything away, and I'm sure if she new she could, she would. We'd have a table and a few chairs. I always say "We won't live in an apartment forever. Soon enough we won't have enough stuff to fill in the empty space." She knows that this is true, but she's still frustrated, cries, and just can't control how she feels.
The doctor she visited (After I persuaded her to go) said that she "...just needed to relax." Or "...quit your job and be a stay at home wife." Not exactly the advice or help I was looking for.
Anyway, any advice?
On The Bus
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Brattleboro, Vt.
Posts: 484
Well
We all need to strive for "balance" in our lives. I think you guys are totally stressed out with the job, the apartment, and the ill mother in law. You got a lot on your plates.
Yes, you need some quiet, relaxing time for just you, good luck, because I know the feeling of being under all that pressure, I am always trying to find a way to get back into my comfort zone, and I hope you find your way there soon as well. Mike
Yes, you need some quiet, relaxing time for just you, good luck, because I know the feeling of being under all that pressure, I am always trying to find a way to get back into my comfort zone, and I hope you find your way there soon as well. Mike
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Japan
Posts: 219
Originally Posted by Earthmaiden 
Meditations For Women Who Do Too Much
http://www.amazon.com/Meditations-Wo.../dp/0062514377
It's a great book. I am a woman who does too much also and this is a wonderful book for women like us. I was given this book as a gift years ago and it has been very helpful.
http://www.amazon.com/Meditations-Wo.../dp/0062514377
It's a great book. I am a woman who does too much also and this is a wonderful book for women like us. I was given this book as a gift years ago and it has been very helpful.
My wife is Japanese. She speaks great English, but reading in English would just be THAT much extra pressure. On top of all this, I've now developed (Or should I say, they've come back) panic attacks. Had a major one today so big that I'm still feeling like crap after being out of the hospital for 3 hours. I went in, ct, heart check...no problem.
I think I need to take a vacation, maybe take a week off and do nothing but what I want to do.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Fairmont wv
Posts: 24
I am OCD & I have to "clean" all of the time. Chaotic messes make me crazy, in fact almost suicidal. I imagine it is hard living with someone like me. Have patience with your wife. It is very hard being like this.
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
(((Bozo))) good to "see" you friend 
The mini emotional melt-down's she's having tells me she's over-stressed to the point of depression. There are a lot of stress-reduction techniques she could try that are simple and REALLY do work...as i never thought they would myself until doing them and they helped me get throw a majorly stressful and sick time in my life.
Your mom sounds like she needs to get involved with other seniors in the area.
Your wife could benefit from raising her self-esteem. There's probably a core reason WHY she feels things have to be perfect and that SHE has to be the one to do it all....and i wouldn't be surprized if it didn't have at least a little to do with your mother living with you both and with being in Japan and the cultural influences that may have.
If your wife has always been like this and it's just gotten worse recently...then should could possibly have some obsessive/compulsive issues (or OCD, obsessive compulsive disorder).
But is sounds to me like she's just trying to be "superwoman" like so many of us in this day and age try to be.
Does she feel like a failure as a woman or a wife if the house isn't kept spotless? If so, then why? If she's comparing herself to the "good old days" when wives were able to do that then she must keep telling herself that they didn't work full-time jobs back then either!
She is holding herself up to higher standards than is humanly possible. If seeing a therapist is an option....i'd suggest trying that. She needs an outsider to tell her she doesn't have to be perfect (and can't anyway no matter how hard she tries). And someone to help her work through these strong "perfect pictures" she carries around of how she feels things are "suppose to be."
I'd definetly suggest looking into the depression aspect of things to make sure she's not struggling with some underlying and uncontrollable issues with that. It could be just depression or it could be just high-expectations of herself, or it could be some of both.
Hugs,
Jenna
The mini emotional melt-down's she's having tells me she's over-stressed to the point of depression. There are a lot of stress-reduction techniques she could try that are simple and REALLY do work...as i never thought they would myself until doing them and they helped me get throw a majorly stressful and sick time in my life.
Your mom sounds like she needs to get involved with other seniors in the area.
Your wife could benefit from raising her self-esteem. There's probably a core reason WHY she feels things have to be perfect and that SHE has to be the one to do it all....and i wouldn't be surprized if it didn't have at least a little to do with your mother living with you both and with being in Japan and the cultural influences that may have.
If your wife has always been like this and it's just gotten worse recently...then should could possibly have some obsessive/compulsive issues (or OCD, obsessive compulsive disorder).
But is sounds to me like she's just trying to be "superwoman" like so many of us in this day and age try to be.
Does she feel like a failure as a woman or a wife if the house isn't kept spotless? If so, then why? If she's comparing herself to the "good old days" when wives were able to do that then she must keep telling herself that they didn't work full-time jobs back then either!
She is holding herself up to higher standards than is humanly possible. If seeing a therapist is an option....i'd suggest trying that. She needs an outsider to tell her she doesn't have to be perfect (and can't anyway no matter how hard she tries). And someone to help her work through these strong "perfect pictures" she carries around of how she feels things are "suppose to be."
I'd definetly suggest looking into the depression aspect of things to make sure she's not struggling with some underlying and uncontrollable issues with that. It could be just depression or it could be just high-expectations of herself, or it could be some of both.
Hugs,
Jenna
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
DaVinci....is it possible that there might be a Japanese version for that book mentioned?
Sounds like you both could learn some stress reduction techniques...as your recent panic attacks are most likely stress related also.
I highly recommend guided muscle relaxation techniques every night at bedtime. There are CDs and taps available online and in stores that "talk" you through each step....and after a week of doing it together every night....you'll start realizing that you've been sleeping better than ever too!! (I usually fall asleep before even completing all the relaxation steps). The improved sleep will also help your physical and emotional well-being, in addition to your mental well-being.
hugs,
Sounds like you both could learn some stress reduction techniques...as your recent panic attacks are most likely stress related also.
I highly recommend guided muscle relaxation techniques every night at bedtime. There are CDs and taps available online and in stores that "talk" you through each step....and after a week of doing it together every night....you'll start realizing that you've been sleeping better than ever too!! (I usually fall asleep before even completing all the relaxation steps). The improved sleep will also help your physical and emotional well-being, in addition to your mental well-being.
hugs,
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