Is it a bad idea for love?
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Is it a bad idea for love?
Is it a bad idea to fall in love when you suffer depression? I feel in love with a great guy and he for me, but we broke up this morning like 30 minutes ago because of a conflict between his brain and heart. When I am in a relationship I put my all into it and when it ends I get crushed and I find myself sinking again. I had finally gotten to the top of my dperession and getting over it, but now I am quickly sinking back into the crying and dispair. I know he didn't mean to hurt me but I feel it is my fault this happened. I feel as if I am to blame, and this is also another thing with my depression, I put all blame on me. I hurt him by telling him I love him so soon after he ended an enagement. I just can't stop the tears and the feelings right now. I am nto speaking with him for at leats month while he works on himself, so it will be even worse because I know I will start to think, hell already thinking our friendship over. I want to just drown myself in booze, it'll be easy to drink myself into numbness now because I am 21. I just hate myself for this. I fell so hard and now I am falling further from conqouring my depression.
Sorry for my rambleing.
Sorry for my rambleing.
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I guess what I am feeling is alot of pain right now. I can't think straight and I have to leave in 30 minutes for work. My mind is going a million miles and hour, i'm shaking because I am so upset. I am trying to not do anything to hurt myself. I just never thought I'd hurt the one man I loved. But I ended up causing him insomnia becuase his mind and gut was telling his heart us dating itsn't right. I said I loved him too soon after he and his fiancee broke up. I think he felt pressured. Now he is takign time to work on himself and I just have this feeling our friendship is going to be gone when he gets back online or I can call him again. I'm just in so much pain right now.
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Falling in love or having a relationship is not a cure-all for depression. It's just not possible to truly love another person until we love ourselves.
Have you considered a support group or therapy? For the better part of my life I drank myself into oblivion to cover up depression and to deal with the emotions and feelings involved in being in relationships. After many dysfunctional relationships and two failed marriages I can assure you that alcohol is not a good answer. For me it takes working a solid AA program, with Al-Anon and CoDA meetings for added support.
One more thing. You say he recently broke up with his fiance? From my experience it takes a long time to sort out feelings from that type of situation. Years sometimes.
Have you considered a support group or therapy? For the better part of my life I drank myself into oblivion to cover up depression and to deal with the emotions and feelings involved in being in relationships. After many dysfunctional relationships and two failed marriages I can assure you that alcohol is not a good answer. For me it takes working a solid AA program, with Al-Anon and CoDA meetings for added support.
One more thing. You say he recently broke up with his fiance? From my experience it takes a long time to sort out feelings from that type of situation. Years sometimes.
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Ahhhh sweetie....
Yea, there are a few things I can see that you probablly could have done different.... but lets start with this.
That is BS. You did not hurt him, you are not God and you can NOT make another person feel anything. If he is telling you that you are causing his insomnia then he is trying to manupliate you... make it your fault that he is struggling with his emotions.
Again not your issue. He could have taken the time then to recover from the loss of his relationship... he made the "choice" to get involved. I have done this myself ... gotten involved with a man that was seperated a very short time and not even divorced as yet. He was very persistant in chasing me and I "wanted" to believe that he was over her and that marriage. SO yep I got involved and 9 months lated it ended. I knew better then to get involved, but I "choose" to do it anyway. So did he.
You are hurting enough with your own feelings .... Dont take on his issues too and start blaming yourself. So you told him you loved him.... The guy should be flattered rather then saying it was a mistake. Love is never a mistake, when given without expectation and there are many different forms of love....
It is my opinion that Love, in whatever form, is not shared often enough and no one in this world can have too many people that love them.
OK.. with that said lets take a look at what happened and how to help with your pain.
Im not at all sure you can completely control when you fall in love. I do however know that you have a choice on what action to take.... This is what concerns me.
Are you also a recovering Alcoholic? As I see this (just my opinion) you probably put more then your "all" into the relationship. Being hurt when a relationship ends is normal... even a little depression, but it sounds to me like your whole life is tied up in this one man that does not even have one year sober yet. That is a dangerous game to play and dont tell me you cant help it, that is who you are cuz that is not true either.
I use to be the same way, I did not want to look at me, my career, parenting, basically my life. I would put my "all" into my SO and then sit back and expect to be happy, well not only was I not happy, he was not happy and my daughter was not happy. I was looking outside of myself to fix an inside job... The only way I would be happy is by taking the focus off him and putting it back on me. My recovery, growth, career and what it takes for me to love myself enough ... When you do this you will find that though endings hurt and we have to mourn them.... you do not fall as far into the depression pit.
Happiness really is something you have control over, you can "choose" to be happy. (assuming it is not medical)
I thought you were fighting the depression??? This is a depressant hon. Not only that but self destructive. Again its about Self Love. It took me many years of theraphy, recovery to finally figure that out. Take this month you have and work on your recover, work on becoming the person you want to be and take the focus off him.
Stop projecting the worse.... Im guilty of this too. Whatever is going to happen is in Gods hands not yours. I dated a man for awhile and thought it was a great relationship....I was also falling and happily so and the next thing I knew, out of the blue, he stopped seeing me. He told me that it was not about me it was about him. Needless to say I was very hurt and could not for the life of me figure out how something I thought was so good went so bad. But I did let go of the relationship and start to accept it was over.
Guess what
After 5 weeks we started to date again... Grant you it was much slower and there were some issues but just allowing him the space to deal with his issues gave him time to put things in perspective. I honestly think that is one reason he did come back to our relationship... I cared & respected him enough to want him to be happy .... even if that was not with me. Respect, Trust and Friendship are the foundation for a relationship sweetie. Give him that.
Let it go, work on you and sit back and see what God has planned... You just might be suprised.
Yea, there are a few things I can see that you probablly could have done different.... but lets start with this.
I just never thought I'd hurt the one man I loved. But I ended up causing him insomnia becuase his mind and gut was telling his heart us dating itsn't right.
I said I loved him too soon after he and his fiancee broke up. I think he felt pressured.
You are hurting enough with your own feelings .... Dont take on his issues too and start blaming yourself. So you told him you loved him.... The guy should be flattered rather then saying it was a mistake. Love is never a mistake, when given without expectation and there are many different forms of love....
It is my opinion that Love, in whatever form, is not shared often enough and no one in this world can have too many people that love them.
OK.. with that said lets take a look at what happened and how to help with your pain.
Im not at all sure you can completely control when you fall in love. I do however know that you have a choice on what action to take.... This is what concerns me.
When I am in a relationship I put my all into it and when it ends I get crushed and I find myself sinking again.
I use to be the same way, I did not want to look at me, my career, parenting, basically my life. I would put my "all" into my SO and then sit back and expect to be happy, well not only was I not happy, he was not happy and my daughter was not happy. I was looking outside of myself to fix an inside job... The only way I would be happy is by taking the focus off him and putting it back on me. My recovery, growth, career and what it takes for me to love myself enough ... When you do this you will find that though endings hurt and we have to mourn them.... you do not fall as far into the depression pit.
Happiness really is something you have control over, you can "choose" to be happy. (assuming it is not medical)
I want to just drown myself in booze, it'll be easy to drink myself into numbness now because I am 21. I just hate myself for this.
Stop projecting the worse.... Im guilty of this too. Whatever is going to happen is in Gods hands not yours. I dated a man for awhile and thought it was a great relationship....I was also falling and happily so and the next thing I knew, out of the blue, he stopped seeing me. He told me that it was not about me it was about him. Needless to say I was very hurt and could not for the life of me figure out how something I thought was so good went so bad. But I did let go of the relationship and start to accept it was over.
Guess what
After 5 weeks we started to date again... Grant you it was much slower and there were some issues but just allowing him the space to deal with his issues gave him time to put things in perspective. I honestly think that is one reason he did come back to our relationship... I cared & respected him enough to want him to be happy .... even if that was not with me. Respect, Trust and Friendship are the foundation for a relationship sweetie. Give him that.
Let it go, work on you and sit back and see what God has planned... You just might be suprised.
Last edited by Cynay; 03-02-2007 at 09:18 AM.
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well not anymore....... i posted a blog about how i was feeling about not knowing who i was and a friend of mine posted a commented and used something i did thia past fall as examples. well this guy flew off the handle and assumed it was talking about recent times so he cut all ties through a comment. i tried to call him to explaion and he wouldn't hear me out and said it was too late. i could hear another women's voice in the background, but it could have been the news. i don't know. all i know is i am hurting so bad right now.
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I'm sorry to hear that you're hurting lovelife, but I also see you getting the same results time after time. Have you ever considered how you'd feel if you took a different approach to relationships, learning to fully love yourself rather than depending on someone else for your happiness and well being?
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