lilymae

my names amanda for those who dont know i havent been on here in a long time a few months in fact.since then ive had a birthday a new nephew and more problems then i care to count. so i geuss thats why im posting in newcomers again as u all know holidays are stressful for everyone well for me it start around fair day here in texas which is in september after that everything gets hectic atleast in my life because of all the parties and holiday baby showers wedding showers endless shopping almost no free time or privacy well its actually not as bad when im busy its around christmas when it settles down that it gets bad.... most years but this year was different i wasnt able to go everywhere and do all those things because i had to take care of my dad after each of his surgeries. we dont get along that great anyway but with him being home 9 weeks straight at a time it made things worse one night it got so bad that i waited until he went to bed and went to take ashower and just slashed my legs and stomach. when i was done i went out to the kitchen and took a hand full of vicodin and another of tylenol. i wanted it to end so badly but i didnt want it to be messy then id be accused of leaving work behind for my mom but i woke up the next morning with wat felt like a bad hangover. that day i went to my psychatrist and ended up telling him wat i did he could have cared less. then later that day i went to my therapist and told her and she said i needed to be evaluated at a hospital well we went that night to one but left before i saw a doctor. the next few night i took tylenol and vicodin but not as much chased by wine coolers and a little crownroyal or whiskey. i cut whenever i took a shower . im still poping pills and cutting occasionally and drinking im sinking in a hole i know it but i cant ******* stop. i just want it to end sometimes other times i want help but im to ashamed to get it. i just want to sit in the dark with my music alone forever and not have to think about it .

ccgirl

I think you need help NOW. Can you get a friend to take you to an emergency room for an immediate psych eval?

Also, aren't there any agencies that can help out with your father's care, like the Visiting Nurses or something? It should not be your burden. It's too much and you obviously can't handle it. You need to take care of you or you won't be around to help anyone else.

lilymae

hes not disabled or anything he just had surgery on his back and arm and couldnt do much for himself and couldnt go to work because he is a mail man and both of those things effect his job. he could do alot for him self with the hand it was making food and putting socks on things like that which were hard but with his back he couldnt move much for a few weeks so that was difficult but the helping didnt bother me its that he gets cabin fever very easy hes worked everyday since he was 13 and hates not being able to and not being able to care for himself only made it worse.thats when the fighting starts he doesnt mean to take it out on me it just happens cuz im the closet to him at the moment and the most like him . we fight alot to much.

lilymae

my mom and i just got in a fight she is usually my only ally but now she thinks of me like the rest of my family does that im lazy and good for nothing its sad that i say i want to leave and am told theres the door i hate the way my life is i wish it would go back to the way it was

Midas

If nothing changes, nothing changes! Don't go back, move forwards. You're hurting yourself and everyone in your life. Do you think that's fair? Amanda, you need serious help.

AND YOU NEED TO TAKE THAT HELP SERIOUSLY!

Your life is F*cked up because you continue to let it be F*cked up. Either sh!t or get off the pot.


We care about you. And it hurts us to see you suffer like this.

Doug

How are you doing now Lily?

lilymae

not much better i talked to my mom some but it didnt help nothing happend she just told me id feel better if i would clean my room which ofcourse was wat she had been trying to get me to do for days its clean now but i dont feel any better i found one of my old cutting razors i havent used it but then again i only just found it i know it seems stupid not to through it away but for some reason i cant

Bozo

Talk to someone in person, a trusted friend or relative, you sound so despondent. PM anytime if you need to vent. Please, life does have some glorious moments, you just have to be healthy enough to enjoy them. Please keep posting. Mike

historyteach

Lily;
Please go to your nearest hospital and tell them what you've reported here.
Your doctor needs to be fired!
Your therapist words should be followed. You need help. You know it; that's why you're posting. ANd thank G*D you are! It shows you have that desire for what life is supposed to be! For what you DESERVE!
ANd what you can have....when you get treatment for whatever is hurting you so deeply.

Cleaning your room won't help this. I know your mom is trying to help. But, it's clear she doesn't understand depression. So, do the right thing. Get help. Today.

Please let us know how you're doing after you make the call.

Shalom!