Nina Kay

Well, I've decided to start my own thread. Kindof like a journal to vent and to sort my own feelings and thoughts. I didn't know at first what forum that I should do this in, but then I thought that it's because of my mental dis-ease that I'm deciding that I need somewhere to write it, so I chose this forum. I'm not expecting anyone to read it or to reply, but if anyone decided that they wanted to, I would certainly appreciate any honest input that I could recieve. I know me and being a Gemini too, I know that this will be "all over the place" so to speak.

I titled this Honesty because I'm learning that I'm not really an honest person. I always thought that I was and I really believe that honesty is very important. I also have always despised dishonesty, so I've been really surprised to realize that I am dishonest in alot of ways. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't tell lies and I don't steal, but I've found that I don't really know myself because I am dishonest with myself. I've always believed that I was someone other than who I really am in so many ways. I don't really know how to explain this, so I guess it'll all come out more clearly with time.

Today and alot lately, I just feel unhappy, sad and let down about alot of things in my life. I've also learned that I'm a self-centered person with alot of self-pity and these are both characteristics that I've never liked in others and I am surprised that they are part of me. I've been told that I'm a pessimist and I've always tried to be an optimist. I am a whiner too, mostly at home. I'm very very tired today, but I haven't curled up in the bed like I used to do, because I have alot to do. I'm doing it all very slowly. It feels like everything that I always thought I was and that my family was and that I tried to raise my kids to be and I tried to have my marriage to be has just turned out all the opposite of what I consciously worked towards. I feel like it was all for naught.

Nina Kay

I've just been informed that I'm tactless sometimes, in how I talk to others, mostly when stating my opinion. I've always known that I can be very blunt. Then lately I've come to realize that I can be harsh, alot of times. Now, I have to add to that tactless. The thing is about that, is that I am also the other extreme too, as I am an extremist in every area of my life. I have tried for years to learn how to strike a happy medium. I have progressed some, but I just still have so far to go. I've had people that are just getting to know me, say that they can't imagine me ever being in a bad mood, because I'm always so happy, but I now tell them the truth, so that they won't be too blown away when they see the other extreme side of me. I let people know now that as extreme as I am happy, that's as extreme as I can be the other direction. For most of my life, people saw me as the happy, loving, sweet person and then when they crossed me or used me too unreasonably for too many times, the other side of me, setting them straight in no uncertain terms, would come out suddenly and they wouldn't have a clue how to handle that. They would usually hate me and never speak to me again. Or as I realize right this minute, maybe they just didn't feel like they could trust me anymore to be honest?! Who knows?! It took me years to figure out that much of what was going on in my relationships with others.

Nina Kay

I've always thought that I was a "what you see is what you get" type of person, but now I'm realizing that as much as that's true, there are other extreme sides to my character that others don't see at the same time. I didn't realize what a jolt or shock that was to others and they just don't understand how I can be two opposite extreme personalities, so they just think that I've been dishonest with them about who I really am. BUT, I'm really not. I really am both of those extreme characters rolled in one. I just don't know how to balance them. My husband just got through saying that I am so easily frustrated and when I am I go to the extreme with how I act when so frustrated. Most of the time, I just want to hate myself and think that I can't even trust myself around others, but I'm trying to learn to love myself.

meidtutz

I know that I don't know you in a real face to face way, but everything that I've ever seen, that you read, make you appear to be a thoughtful, well rounded person. Those of us who are new here, appreciate your words and advice. I'm sorry that you're doubting yourself. I'm praying for you and lifting you up right now.

Bozo

Your first post at the start of this thread.........I thought you were writing about me. Honest to God, I couldnt believe what I read, but it pretty much describes me quite a bit of the time.

I think it is a great idea Nina, hope you dont mind if I follow along.

Nina Kay

Thank you Meidtutz. I do try to be thoughtful, so I'm glad that you've seen something good in me. I have been doubting myself as far back as I can remember. I am a very deep and emotional person, sometimes too deep and emotional. I always feel for others to the extreme. My husband says that it's almost like I'm actually going through the pain and joy that others are going through when I talk with someone and care for them. That's the way it feels to me too. I really, really appreciate that you are praying for me. I am a Christian and I do need God's care through Jesus Christ.
((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))

Nina Kay

Hi Bozo,
Things that you have said before about yourself, I was also able to identify with. I would feel honored if you wanted to follow along. I will share this thread with you, if you'd like. You are very welcome to join in.

Nina Kay

I am feeling just so sad. My son is a drug addict & an alcoholic. He has been for 11 or 12 yrs. It is so heartbreaking for everyone that loves him and I know that he's so miserable in his life. We were so blindsighted by this all those years ago. None of us in our family had ever been exposed to anyone with an alcohol or drug problem. None of us, in our little family, even drinks or uses drugs. We just had no clue what was even going on, when he first went to the emergency room, throwing up so much that he was severely dehydrated within three hours. We had no idea that it had anything at all to do with alcohol. The Drs. couldn't even figure it out. They started guessing that it was binge drinking doing it, but alot of things about it just didn't add up. I'm only sharing this because I know that it's so much of why I'm so sad and angry. I can't save my son and I know that now without any reservation. It saves me from spinning my wheels trying and the feeling of beating my head against a brick wall, but it is so horrible for a parent to know that they can't do anything to rescue their child, even though they can see them heading straight for disaster.

My daughter is on the phone so I'll have to add more later.

Bozo

I will be going through the same things with my sons in a few years. With me being an alkie and druggie, I would say it is in their genes. We are all children of God, I believe our lives are already planned out, so what will be, will be, but that doesnt help the pain.

Whats that old saying? Worrying is like a rocking chair, it might be comfortable but it doesnt really get you anywhere. Something like that.

ccgirl

Nina, I'm going to paraphrase a quote from Eleanor Roosevelt. "No one can make you feel bad about yourself without your permission" Be who you are; it'd be boring if everyone were wishy washy, nicey nice. A little bluntness is refreshing.

Nina Kay

Bozo,
I really do know that it's in the genes, but that doesn't mean that your sons will be active addicts or alcoholics. My grandparents on my Daddy's side were both alcoholics (we never lived anywhere near them and they both died when I was still a kid) but my Daddy and his sister were neither one alcoholics or addicts. Their younger brother did drink, but I never heard anyone say that he was an alcoholic. I know that it's a greater possibility that they could be, but it just might not ever happen. I really hope that it doesn't.

Thank you ccgirl, for encouraging me to be true to myself. I really would like to learn how to just relax and let me, be me. I've tried to do this several times in my life, but haven't quite accomplished it yet. I seem to continue to be myself, but I haven't learned to accept myself, as I am.

Nina Kay

Well, lately I'm back to the self-pity part of my character. I'm feeling very unlovable and unlikeable, again, for the zillionth time. I feel like everyone that has to come around me, can hardly wait to leave me, even my family. No one stays around me any longer than necessary. I'm not sure exactly why. I keep trying not to let it hurt my feelings. I keep trying to tell myself that I'm sure that I'm just being too touchy and imagining this, but with certain relationships, everything is just so different for the last long while. I don't have a clue how to make it better, mostly because I don't have a clue as to why it's happening. I do know that it is the other reason why I am just so sad lately. I can't say a word about it to anyone, because it would only make the problem worse. I am just trying to hang on until whatever is going on passes, and I really hope that it is something that WILL pass and soon.

This brings me back to one of the ways that I've learned that I've been dishonest. No longer, in this way though. I've always been the one to give and give and do for everyone continually that I love and try to be there for everyone when they needed me, because I thought that this was what family and friends were supposed to do. So even when it was very difficult for me in my personal life, I would still always make sure that I was there for anyone that I loved, whenever they needed me. Then whenever I needed anyone, it always seemed like no one was ever there for me and I would be very hurt and offended. I would go through so much pain emotionally and then I would be resentful and angry. I just couldn't understand how they could not be there for me, if they really loved me. So I kept coming to the conclusion that they didn't really love me at all. They were just using me for what I would do for them and then when I needed them it was just too inconvenient for them to be there. I've realized now that this means that I did things for others with strings attached and really believing that I expected nothing in return because I was just doing what I did because I loved them. This was me being dishonest with myself. I did do everything that I did because I really loved them and wanted to, but it wasn't without strings, a goal in mind. I wanted to be loved and needed. I guess that I thought that I could earn love from others and when it didn't work, I was so upset.
Since then, through a long process, I have learned that I really can and do want to love others, even if they don't love me back or even like me at all. I really do want to be able to give love without ever expecting to recieve any love and maybe even if I get hatred in return. I have finally learned that I am capable of doing this and I really want to be this kind of person. It's who I've always believed that I already am, and was surprised to learn otherwise, but it will be a long, up and down process, to keep myself on this trek and not to slip back into my old ways of expecting love and support in return. If I don't have these expectations, then I will be completely free to give love and enjoy it, without being let down when it's not reciprocated. I've learned that all people love differently and it has alot to do with their raising and environment. People love others the only way they know how and it may be alot different than how I show love. Some people don't know how to show love at all, partly because they were never shown love. I've lost so many close relationships because of my unrealistic expectations.
I have also learned that we teach others how to treat us. I laid down as every one's convenient doormat, voluntarily and continually, and then got upset when everyone wiped their feet on me.
I always thought that I had self-respect, but obviously I don't. There have been so many of my personal characteristics that I was sure of, only to find out that I didn't really have those particular characteristics. I've always thought that I was very open to other's differences and ideas, only to realize that I've always been a very judgemental person.
There are just so many things going on in my heart right now that's making me have a very heavy heart. This is really helping me though. I wish that I'd thought of getting it all out sooner. I really want to tell the truth about myself, to myself and others. I want to be honest and truthful and real. I want to accept myself as I am, whatever that may be. I want to sort out the good, the bad, and the ugly.