CarolD

Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

CarolD

I keep this as simple as possible.

For amends to the dead...I wrote letters
sometimes I could take the letter to their grave
and read it then burn.
Sometimes I could not do that action
so I read it aloud and then burn.

My family were at the head of my list
and the hardest to do.

It was super to begin with a fresh slate
and by staying in recovery..

I daily live my amends.

Thanks for letting me share.
__________________

GlassPrisoner

Well, I'm there. It's scarier than I thought. I thought I'd just walk up to everyone and, you know, do it.

Some amends are gonna take a while. I owe back taxes, and have to repay those. That may take years.

Carol, I'll take your advice about amends to the dead, sounds like a great idea.

GlassPrisoner

Update. Made amends to my 2 daughters and my best friend. It's kind of anti climatic, but they all seemed to appreciate as evidenced by the hugs

Also, Carol, I sent out two letter today to general delivery in the cities where my first love lived, and where mt Dad grew up. (They're both dead)

Next up, Ex-Bosses and Co-workers, and finally the Ex Wife.

citychick

I told my husband and kids and various others I was sorry for my behaviour while using. And they all said "no need for that, we're happy you're sober". So I guess I'm making living amends.
As for my deceased parents, I feel where ever they are, they know.
After reading these posts, I'm beginning to think maybe I did a superficial job!?

Rusty Zipper

step 9 starts out with 'Good Judgment"... ppfftt!, took some time to aquire that...

on my 4th, i put down my biggest resentment... my crackhead ex-roomy...

i was three days in a self-detox... hurt'n as bad as can be... this hop'd up nit-wit grab'd me by my neck, and tossed me into the wash'n machine...Twice!...i was so bruised up and sore... and theres plenty more to this story...

i said, no way will i ever forigive him for this, and many other things he has done to me...

about two years later, he comes over... first reaction was... get the hell oud'a here... nope, my little power that be in my head said... dont say it...

i asked him to come in... sit down... theres something i would like to say to you... i then said... CH... i would like to say i am no longer that person you new... i apologize for my actions that night... will you fogive me... well, CH looked at me like i grew another head...
he didnt even remember the incident...

then i said, is there anything else... his head spun...

i have made many amends in recovery... no one made such a mark on my recovery as this one...

the real power of forgiveness...

the one i said no, i will never forgive...

i took responsability for my part... i asked him to be my roomy in the first place... then, i shure didnt see it that way...

the last line from step 9...

"the well being of others at the same time, is the very spirit of step nine"

that i try to do in my life today... its no longer all about me!

xxoo, & bless... pattee

lanie67

I have done my amends except for one which I am still uncertain about. I have also a few lingering financial amends that I need to make that I have not done. I keep putting them off and it's beyond time for me to do them. It's ridiculous that I've not done them yet. I'm really ashamed of some of my financial behavior just sitting here thinking about it. I need to get them done so I can let go of that shame. Some of the amends I could not do because I just couldn't find the people at the time. Of course I'm thinking now with things like myspace and facebook these folks might actually be easier to find. Blergh...wish I could say I was excited about that prospect. Lol, well I know I will forge ahead in the end.

I have a bad habit of getting myself in trouble by doing amends with people when I am confused about whether I owe one or not; not talking about a formal eighth which a sponsor went over with me, but here and there I get confused and really lately have made some stupid moves out of making amends when I really shouldn't have. My way doesn't work sometimes, and I need to have the humility to accept that.

citychick

QUOTE by Rusty Zipper




I've come to some acceptance about an amends I felt was unnecessary. I didn't quite grasp the notion of " cleaning up my side of the street".....now I see it's the right thing to do.

Pride and ....pride...have been blurring my vision for ....a long time. Funny..I knew I had to but the head said, "nnoooo "

Sponser said read 12/12-8/9 before I do it, sooo, will give it a burl (sincerely)

Rusty Zipper

cc good for you cc...

xxoo, rz

pride, and false pride... phoey!

btw cc, on my step 4 list, guess what headed it?

awe, come on... guess! lol

citychick

Wouldn't be Pride would it, RZ?


I prayed for 6 weeks to get rid of the resentment....more like consuming hatred..yuk. And I felt better....and told myself thats the end of it. But now I really see what steps 8/9 are about....more than just me feeling better.

Sometimes I think God just smiles and shakes his head.....knowing I'll come round eventually.

Rusty Zipper

CC...

TimmyO

Of all the steps, this was the one I liked the least, it was easy to acknowledge my bad behavior on paper and to a confidant but to actually face those people that I had screwed over?

In 4,5,6,7 I got rid of the garbage that I carried in my head and in my heart and with 8 and 9 I was finally able get rid of the garbage that had accumulated in the world outside of my head. The reward wasn't that I now appeared to be this pure white, righteous being, floating down the street, it was simply peace of mind.

As I mentioned in the 8th step post, I had 3 lists: Right now; Maybe in the future; and never. By the time I finished the right nows, most of the maybes had become right nows and some of the nevers became maybes. After the second batch of right nows the rest of the maybes became right nows and all but one never became a maybe... You get the picture...

That last never was a problem as it was my ex-wife. In my mind and many others, she had certainly wronged me more than I had her... (yes I still played the victim from time to time and I was still using the 4th step resentment prayer a LOT). Once again that sponsor thing of mine asked me the golden question, "How free do you really want to be? Do you want to carry your ex-wife around with you until you die or do you want to let go?"

It tool almost a solid year of praying for the willingness to forgive on my part and more importantly, to OWN UP to those things which I did, which were hurtful, rotten, and mean in their own right. I made the amend and interestingly enough, almost immediately, my resentments towards her also vanished! I'm not going to look her up for lunch anytime soon, but she no longer rules every other thought of mine!

At this point a little over 5 years after starting my amends, I am only left with 2 financial amends and I am paying them off instead of declaring bankrupcy. This does not make me any better or any worse than anyone else but I can tell you this: In 14 more months I will no longer be saddled with bad debt (or much debt at all for that matter!) for the first time since I was 17 years old...

So those 9th step promises have all come true too!

Thanks
Tim

savoy

How is it working out in the long run, ?

my family didn't want to hear amends, but it is necessary.

Rusty Zipper

its for us savoy, to help clear out the lost soul...

CarolD

As my children were with my non drinking family 900 miles
away....my drinking caused more 'sins of omission"
I made sure they were financially secure and in a
stable loving place.

I did do a face to face amend to each as they grew older.
It turned out to be more for me than for them.

My parents never acknowledged my drinking or recovery.
They refused to discuss either.
I wrote my amend and burned it.
Again...it was for me and not them.

I made my peace with God my amends .


Thanks for letting me share.

savoy

Amends are not living amends, living is living and amends are amends.

It probably made some of my family uncomfortable to hear amends, because it reflects on them too, everyone played their part.
But its not about them, its about what I did and why I did it and why I don't want to be like that.

But my book tells me I go to it, take the bit in my mouth and don't allow anything to deter me, omitting nothing.
Many times I've heard 'thats OK no need to bother',

well no it isn't OK.

If a direct amend isn't possible, then an amend must be lived , but if that person is available.....so called living amends can be an excuse.

SCRedhead

Hello everyone!
I am about to attempt my amends, and I don't mind telling you-I am scared! I like the idea TimmyO had: 3 categories of amends - Right now, maybe in the future and never. I was already thinking maybe I could start with the "easier amends" first and maybe that would help me get the ball rollin' so to speak. I just don't know how to start. Maybe that's not totally true-maybe I'm making excuses to put it off. I know the book says to get right to it-but dad burn it-I'm scared. I have a list of people, maybe I need to pray a little more about it.

Any advice for a chicken like me to get me started?

keithj

SCRedhead,

You are about to experience freedom. I'm happy for you.

Of course it's scary. Not always that much fun either. But necessary. You've comitted to repairing the past, and the process is well described.

I like dividing the amends list up into 2 or 3 or 4 groups like you mentioned. For those that you are willing, right now, to make amends to, the step is simple. Make that phone call or send that letter or whatever and seek consent. Then get to it.

For the ones in the other categories, there may be some you are willing and don't know how to contact. Can't find them. I've found that as long as I remain willing, they have a funny way of turning up in my life. It just works that way. Somehow, some way, they turn up again if I remain willing.

For the ones I'm not willing to contact, I follow the book directions and pray for willingness. Over time, and with the success born out of a few successful amends, those people creep over into my willing category. As long as I'm seeking to improve my concious contact with god as I understand, that willingness creeps up on me. One day I wake up and I'm willing to seek out that person I swore I'd never forgive.

In short, get the ones done that you are willing to do today. Pray for willingness to do the others.

sugErspun

RedHead ~ from my experience, after the first one is done..it gets easier.

This is what I did.

Took each name from my ammends list and wrote it on an index card.
Then wrote 'specifically' what I am approaching them for (ie - "I betrayed your confidence").
Then went over the stack of cards with my sponsor in prayer.
I marked off those who I was willing to approach, and set the others aside.

Regularly I would revisit the cards I set aside and see if I was now willing.

Eventually they get done.

It really simplified everything for me to be prepared before approaching anyone (of course ~ I didn't just limit the conversation to what was on the card. There is always the listening, the 'what can I do to even the books?" and "is there anything that I did which I may have forgotten?"

Go out and make them, this is when you finally get clear of the past.

jimhere

Here's a good prayer to use, but don't say it if you don't really want to know.

Dear God,
Please show me if these unfinished amends have anything to do with me drinking again.
Amen