Eyes like black holes in the sky
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Hamilton, NJ
Posts: 2
Eyes like black holes in the sky
I feel stupid posting here, but it's gotten to the point where I have to talk to someone but don't know who to turn to. It all started the summer after Junior year of High School. I was already a somewhat unmotivated student and was mainly a C average unless I enjoyed the class somewhat...then I would probably push a B. During this summer, myself and a large group of friends were introduced to Marijuana for the first time. Ever since that night we have been smoking regularly.
Near the end of senior year, I realized that I had not even learned anything that year and that all I did was sleep in class or day dream. High School was over and we had all just graduated so as you can guess, there was alot of smoking / eatting / spending money. It was this summer that we were first introduced to Psychodelic drugs such as LSD, "Shrooms", Hawiian Baby Woodrose Seeds, DXM, and we also got into X once or twice. We did shrooms a few times that summer and LSD twice.
It was time to go back to school once again and a few members of our "group" were going to colleges and universities so they were going to be living in Dorms. Myself along with a few others ended up going to MCCC (Community College) since we had not gotten into the colleges we had wanted. During this first year of college, my life was alot more free, but a few months into it, something happened. We had taken LSD once again and still continued to smoke heavily. I used to pick up my one friend, who I will call M. We had the same schedule at MCCC pretty much so we normally went to class together. After this 3rd experience with LSD though, something had happened, I became alot more lazy, lost, depressed, tired. I quit my job I had been working since sophmore year in High School and told everyone that my reason for quitting was School was getting too intense. Although thats complete garbage because shortly after quitting my job I, along with my friend that I used to take to class stopped going to class entirely. We eventually were dropped from the classes and our parents money went to waste. At first I would go to his house in the morning and say, "You ready to go to class?" But eventually we just would smoke alot when I got there and just wouldnt even go. This waste of a year ended and I still didnt have another job or any motivation.
The School year comes around again and I convince my parents that I will not mess up again and that I want to go back to class. Another year of lies and haze go by as my friend and I again just sit around smoking and dropping all the time. Another year of no job and no income goes around? Come to think of it I dont even know how the hell I was able to afford all this. This time my parents have had enough and said they are not paying for another semester for me to just **** it away again.
It has been a little over 3 years now since I have graduated High School, and I have done absolutely nothing with my life. Ever since the end of High School, it has been one big drug haze. I cant remember half the things that we have done during those days. Im still here trying to quit smoking weed and cigarettes. Although I pretty sure I am finally done with other types of drugs. The last time I took LSD was about a year ago, and I think ive mentally changed ever since then, but can't be positive because im so scared and alone at times I dont know who to turn to. I have gotten 3-4 different jobs over these 3 years, but havent been able to really hold one longer then a month. I dont put in any two weeks notices or anything....I just stop going altogether. Its as if one day I wake up and I unwilling get up and just force myself to go to work and handle it, and then the next day I cant even pull myself out of bed and I dont know why. I did think I was Bi-Polar at one point, but I dont know how to tell for sure.
I used to think I was becoming Schizophrenic, but I think that phase is over now. Im thinking its the physchodelics mixed with all the weed and depression I have had that has really F'ed me up in the head. Ive been suicidal at times, i've given up all hope on myself and concluded that there is no helping me. I feel as if im lost in my own universe sometimes. I have trouble concentrating, understanding certain things. I feel like my ability to read text has slowed. The only person i feel comfortable talking to about my problems is my mother, and even that is hard. My father is an alcoholic so there is absolutely no talking to him about anything. My younger twin brothers appear to be falling into the same **** hole that I have fallen into. I try and talk to them and tell them not to do the things I have done, but they dont listen to anyone anymore, they feel they rule the world. I just want to break free from all this depression and addiction. I want my life to turn around, I want to get a job that I somewhat like and be able to hold it. I want to get motivated and go back to school which I have put off for years now. Sometimes I wish I could just
Thank you for your time and reading my story. If it is hard to read at times, I apologize. There was alot going thru my head as I wrote this and alot of memories and emotion. Sometimes I just wish I could go back to the first day of High School and do it all over again. Correct the mistakes I have made. I feel im trapped in a prision cell with no way out no matter how hard I try.
If anyone has any advice for me or would like to share similiar feelings and problems, I would appreciate it. Again thank you for your time.
Near the end of senior year, I realized that I had not even learned anything that year and that all I did was sleep in class or day dream. High School was over and we had all just graduated so as you can guess, there was alot of smoking / eatting / spending money. It was this summer that we were first introduced to Psychodelic drugs such as LSD, "Shrooms", Hawiian Baby Woodrose Seeds, DXM, and we also got into X once or twice. We did shrooms a few times that summer and LSD twice.
It was time to go back to school once again and a few members of our "group" were going to colleges and universities so they were going to be living in Dorms. Myself along with a few others ended up going to MCCC (Community College) since we had not gotten into the colleges we had wanted. During this first year of college, my life was alot more free, but a few months into it, something happened. We had taken LSD once again and still continued to smoke heavily. I used to pick up my one friend, who I will call M. We had the same schedule at MCCC pretty much so we normally went to class together. After this 3rd experience with LSD though, something had happened, I became alot more lazy, lost, depressed, tired. I quit my job I had been working since sophmore year in High School and told everyone that my reason for quitting was School was getting too intense. Although thats complete garbage because shortly after quitting my job I, along with my friend that I used to take to class stopped going to class entirely. We eventually were dropped from the classes and our parents money went to waste. At first I would go to his house in the morning and say, "You ready to go to class?" But eventually we just would smoke alot when I got there and just wouldnt even go. This waste of a year ended and I still didnt have another job or any motivation.
The School year comes around again and I convince my parents that I will not mess up again and that I want to go back to class. Another year of lies and haze go by as my friend and I again just sit around smoking and dropping all the time. Another year of no job and no income goes around? Come to think of it I dont even know how the hell I was able to afford all this. This time my parents have had enough and said they are not paying for another semester for me to just **** it away again.
It has been a little over 3 years now since I have graduated High School, and I have done absolutely nothing with my life. Ever since the end of High School, it has been one big drug haze. I cant remember half the things that we have done during those days. Im still here trying to quit smoking weed and cigarettes. Although I pretty sure I am finally done with other types of drugs. The last time I took LSD was about a year ago, and I think ive mentally changed ever since then, but can't be positive because im so scared and alone at times I dont know who to turn to. I have gotten 3-4 different jobs over these 3 years, but havent been able to really hold one longer then a month. I dont put in any two weeks notices or anything....I just stop going altogether. Its as if one day I wake up and I unwilling get up and just force myself to go to work and handle it, and then the next day I cant even pull myself out of bed and I dont know why. I did think I was Bi-Polar at one point, but I dont know how to tell for sure.
I used to think I was becoming Schizophrenic, but I think that phase is over now. Im thinking its the physchodelics mixed with all the weed and depression I have had that has really F'ed me up in the head. Ive been suicidal at times, i've given up all hope on myself and concluded that there is no helping me. I feel as if im lost in my own universe sometimes. I have trouble concentrating, understanding certain things. I feel like my ability to read text has slowed. The only person i feel comfortable talking to about my problems is my mother, and even that is hard. My father is an alcoholic so there is absolutely no talking to him about anything. My younger twin brothers appear to be falling into the same **** hole that I have fallen into. I try and talk to them and tell them not to do the things I have done, but they dont listen to anyone anymore, they feel they rule the world. I just want to break free from all this depression and addiction. I want my life to turn around, I want to get a job that I somewhat like and be able to hold it. I want to get motivated and go back to school which I have put off for years now. Sometimes I wish I could just
Thank you for your time and reading my story. If it is hard to read at times, I apologize. There was alot going thru my head as I wrote this and alot of memories and emotion. Sometimes I just wish I could go back to the first day of High School and do it all over again. Correct the mistakes I have made. I feel im trapped in a prision cell with no way out no matter how hard I try.
If anyone has any advice for me or would like to share similiar feelings and problems, I would appreciate it. Again thank you for your time.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Welcome,
I suggest you also post in the Newcomer's forum as you will likely get far more responses there.
Marijuana is a depressant and does destroy motivation and memory.
SR is a great support system and you will meet others who have been in your shoes and can help guide you to the full, happy life you deserve.
Welcome and please make yourself at home....others wiser will be along.
live
I suggest you also post in the Newcomer's forum as you will likely get far more responses there.
Marijuana is a depressant and does destroy motivation and memory.
SR is a great support system and you will meet others who have been in your shoes and can help guide you to the full, happy life you deserve.
Welcome and please make yourself at home....others wiser will be along.
live
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: I don't even know!
Posts: 323
Hi there Mate, and welcome to SR!!
I'm so glad you found us.
I also started smoking weed during high school. Matter of fact I didn't even graduate. Somehow I managed to get my GED, and finish dental assisting school. I know how you feel about your life kinda just going down hill. Mine done that for a long time. I used for about 10 years, before I realized that had a problem. Well, I guess I knew I had a problem, I just wasn't ready to do anything about it. I've been clean now for 16 months, and it feels great! I've been at the same job for 15 months. That in itself is a major accomplishment for me. Have you thought about going to an NA meeting? That helps me so much. Maybe you should try. And what about your Mom, have you thought about talking to her. I bet she would do whatever she could to help you! Maybe you could go and see a doctor. I am on an antidepressant now. I just started taking it, but I think that it is helping me. These are just some suggestions. Please keep us posted on how you are doing. There are lots of wonderful people here that will help you!
Good Luck, my friend!
Alissa
I'm so glad you found us.
I also started smoking weed during high school. Matter of fact I didn't even graduate. Somehow I managed to get my GED, and finish dental assisting school. I know how you feel about your life kinda just going down hill. Mine done that for a long time. I used for about 10 years, before I realized that had a problem. Well, I guess I knew I had a problem, I just wasn't ready to do anything about it. I've been clean now for 16 months, and it feels great! I've been at the same job for 15 months. That in itself is a major accomplishment for me. Have you thought about going to an NA meeting? That helps me so much. Maybe you should try. And what about your Mom, have you thought about talking to her. I bet she would do whatever she could to help you! Maybe you could go and see a doctor. I am on an antidepressant now. I just started taking it, but I think that it is helping me. These are just some suggestions. Please keep us posted on how you are doing. There are lots of wonderful people here that will help you!
Good Luck, my friend!
Alissa
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: my hearts in NY i'm in FL
Posts: 112
Mate~
i'm glad you posted here. you are going through alot right now and i think you made the first step. realizing you have a problem. and you are now looking for help. GREAT!
i suggest keep reading and posting people here at SR are very supportive and helpful
polly~
i'm glad you posted here. you are going through alot right now and i think you made the first step. realizing you have a problem. and you are now looking for help. GREAT!
i suggest keep reading and posting people here at SR are very supportive and helpful
polly~
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 183
I was depressed and having a lot of problems my last couple years in high school as well. The way you describe yourself (losing hope, suicidal, losing motivation) sounds exactly like how I felt back when I was battling depression. I had a really difficult time convincing myself to go to the doctor and actually do something about it. My best friend at the time sat there and made me call the doctor to get help. I would definitely suggest that being a starting point for you. They can steer you in the right direction if you need more help than they can give you. I know it's hard to seek help, but it's something you need to do before things get completely out of control. I was suicidal and OD'ed on sleeping pills my doctor gave me. I'm lucky as hell I didn't end up killing myself and definitely would not want to see you go through the same thing. So please seek professional help. Good luck and be sure to let us know how things go.
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