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Post traumatic stress

Old 09-28-2006, 11:29 PM
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Post traumatic stress

I have a question and I am not sure if anyone can enlighten me on this. I had a pretty traumatic childhood and as such have developed a couple sort of phobias.

I saw someone drop a concrete block on a pidgeon when i was little. I am now incredibly scared of pidgeons. Seems not a big deal , but i truly freak out and I grew up in a city filled with them. So the lengths I go too avoid them gets a little outta hand.

I have also had recurrent nightmares my whole life of male stalker in various forms trying to harm or kill me. From the age of maybe 10 to 15, our neighbourhood and house were the target of a few different peeping toms and prowlers. My dad worked at night, so my mum and us kids usually had too deal with this alone every night of the week. I dont know what triggers the nightmares but they really terrify me. I am guessing it has something too do with what we went through.

I also saw my mother hold a knife up too my dads throat during an argument when i was small. I now freak out about knifes in the house and get scared i will sleep walk and hurt somone i love. I actually cannot watch scary movies or read about anything violent or it triggers this crazy worry pattern about myself. I also get recurrent dreams of a dark women trying to kill people, not me, people around me, i am just usually running around in the dream freaking out about it. i feel if i keep worrying or keep the thoughts in my head , then they wont become subconscious and nothing will happen on my sleep.

It has wreaked havoc on my closest personal relationships. And can be torturous mentaly for me. I just cant seem to keep a relationship past 3 years before these thought surface.
Could all these consistent worries be some sort of post traumatic problem. I am a very sensitive person and watching cnn can be too much for me.

I dont want a diagnosis. I just want to get a feel of other peoples thoughts on this. I have dealt with this for a long time and it only seems to come up when i have been intimate with somebody for along time and it has been a relationship with some hurts involved.

Thankyou
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Old 09-29-2006, 09:16 AM
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Do you go to therapy about this? Group therapy would probably help you a lot. We all have our phobias and probably fear of intimacy is the biggest and most common. You've made a good start by recognizing that your phobias are getting in the way of your having a good life. So now you can begin to deal with them. I've also had some bad things happen to me and I've chosen (over time and the 12 Step program) to become willing to let go of these fears. Once you become willing.. the rest takes care of itself.

I wish you the same experience.. look for some outside help!
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Old 09-30-2006, 11:27 AM
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yes....I would highly recommend seeking out a weekly therapy session with a person you find that you feel comfortable with -- and preferably someone who sees a lot of patients with abuse issues. There's nothing wrong with going to someone to help you heal these things and rid them (or lessen them) from your subconscious and your conscience.

From the type of unhealthy childhood environment you describe...there are probably a ton more other ways it is affecting your life that you are unaware of yet.

Seeking out the help of a professional therapist is one of the best things you can do to secure a future of happiness with less anxiety in your life. I liken it to a mentor relationship...a teacher if you will. We spend years and years of our lives in school, but yet rarely do people invest much time or study into learning how to live past the way they were raised or past our inherited disabilities. We just say "oh well" and "this is just the hand I've been dealt" ...and then accept it and move on instead of trying to "correct" our engrained negative/unhealthy perspectives and thoughts.

I am not a doc or anything, by a long shot, so take this with a grain of salt, but my impression of your short-lived relationships has some deeper roots beyond what you describe as the fears of harming them. Maybe there's underlying issues of commitment or intimacy stemming from the unhealthy relationships you lived among growing up. Perhaps seeing your mom, someone you trusted and loved, holding a knife to your father's neck has an influence too. Your child mind may have concluded that she must have not had total control of herself to do such a thing...and therefore making you fearful that if she possess such, then maybe you do too?

I'm not saying you should "blame" your parents, since for the most part most parents do the best they can, but it seems necessary that you accept that this was how you grew up and now that your an adult it's YOUR job to "re-wire" or fix what your parents weren't able to give and pass on to you.

I would also venture to guess that it's probably very important for you to learn to feel secure in your life, with your own self AND with those around you. You didn't have that sense of real security growing up so know it's time to give it to yourself. How? Well, that's where a good therapist would come in, but I think you need to have a bit of a chat with yourself about how rational your fears are. Do you really and truely think you are capable of such unconscience harm of another? Just that you are worrying SO much about harming someone tells me that it's not in you to hurt someone....and therefore these are irrational fears that, up to this point, you haven't learned to move past them.

One of my main issues is being SUPER critical of myself and degrading myself with waterfalls of negativity each day. One of the thousands of wonderful things I've learned from my very caring and wise therapist is that when I realize I am putting myself down (by for example: telling myself I'm a bad and worthless photographer b/c I didn't get a really great photo out of a difficult assignment)....is to say to myself, "STOP! Rewind. It's possible that I did the best job I could with what I was given and that the job I did was good enough."

Eventually, it will change to "I DID the best I could." But I'm not at that point that that statement is believable to me...so I say "It's possible" instead.

And it's helping...I am slowly learning to accept myself and realize that I deserve to be treated at least 'as good' as I treat others.

I'm telling you this b/c I think it can be very beneficial for you too. When you have these dreams and such or you are worrying about harming someone in your sleep....during your awake hours use the same type canceling technique.

Say, "STOP!!! It's possible I'm not a person capable of such a thing. It's possible that these fears are irrational ones. And that I am okay and safe...and so are my loved ones."

Make it your own, change it to fit your thoughts or situation. Continue telling yourself it's possible until you start to truely think it's possible and then change the wording to a more assertive 'matter-of-fact' statement like: "I am not capable of harming someone in my sleep. I am a good person and I feel secure in knowing that I will never act in such way."

Basically, you let thoughts 'brainwash' your mind into fearing these things and it's up to you to 'un-brainwash' yourself or 're-brainwash' yourself for the happiness and betterment of your future and in working toward becoming the person you want to be.

These are what therapists are for....to serve as guides to help us work toward become the people WE want to become and leading the lives we dreamed we would as children.

Lastly, in reference to your wondering about possibly dealing with some PTSD...yes, you very well may have develped some post-tramatic issues from what you've been through. Most only know PTSD by association with soldiers returning from a violent war so many think a person has to be witness to the most heinas of acts to develope PTSD, when in fact it doesn't take much in comparison. I for example developed PTSD issues and anxieties from daily and long-term harrassment by a former boss. Nearly 2 years later, and now in a WONDERFUL job with a fantastic boss....I am still dealing with visual and emotional flashbacks when someone of his build walks by my desk...and I react to anyone with even a hit of his personality or speach or negativity with the exact same emotions I did 2 years ago. It's hard at times, but I have to remind myself that the person in the present is NOT the person who caused so much trama in my life in the past.

Anyway, hugs and just remember to be gentle with yourself.
Jenna
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Old 09-30-2006, 07:13 PM
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I have read that the cardinal presenting symptom in PTSD is nightmares/night terrors.
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Old 10-02-2006, 09:18 AM
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Thankyou for your advice. I have been torturing myself mentally for years, and then also my past has. I do get the nightmares and I am not sure yet what triggers them, but I am going too go find a therapist as suggested.

It is nice too know, I am not alone in my struggles. It occurred to me, that the more I feel like I am being my mother or being treated like my mother in my relationships, the more these intrusive obsessive thoughts surface.

But at least i finally want to do something about them and knowing Someone doesnt think these toughts are rational really helps me out and make me feel more confident about dealing with them

Thankyou so much
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Old 10-02-2006, 09:24 AM
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I am glad you are going for help. I hope you stay in touch here. We all learn from each other and find comfort in the support and understanding.
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Old 10-02-2006, 09:34 AM
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I too suffer from childhood PTSD bot physical, sexual and viewing others being beaten on top of my Vietnam experence. Your's is very real and very common. The biggest thing is the short reletive period of time people understand PTSD. I am in fact in treatment now at the VA Hospital for all of the above. We share 2 computers so I don't have time for more but, will talk more Tuesday. I can tell you that talking and knowledge are key to recovering. And never devalue your feelings. By that I mean some of us put little importance on our feelings when compared to others.
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