Perceiving reality

[Josie]

M.G.,
I keep thinking over "perceived reality",
and my life.
My reality was from a young child-that
I was going to have children, alot of
children and have a happy, healthy family
life. They would be close in age, and
have this wonderful sibling relationship.
I grew up alone, my sister's were much
older than I and I wasn't going to do that
to my kids. The reality is my kids are
8 years apart and grew up basically lonely.
My husband's death and the abortion changed
my perceived reality. I no longer looked
at life the same, and became self sabotaging, and loathing. Depression, guilt, and mourning
became my way of life-and I know without
a doubt horribly affected my kids. My
youngest son was born out of a loveless
relationship, but I refused to terminate
him. I was very sick when he was conceived,
that was not a plan of mine-to have
a child born in this situation. It was a
depressing pregnancy, and I stayed with
his father trying to make it work. It
didn't last long, and we separated when
he was 1 years old. I went through the
motions of motherhood, another misconception
I had was motherhood was easy. My oldest
was a very sickly child, and in and out
of hospitals, and doctors offices. He
also yelled Mama every two seconds, and
was very difficult to handle. I also jumped
from one relationship to another-each
lasting approx. 2 years each time. I
never loved the same, I know it was lust
and I just could not be alone.
Most were mentally or physically abusive,
another trauma I created for myself, but
you see-I deserved it.
I alway thought my kids would make it in
life-and I still have that hope. But I
never expected my children to both have
addiction problems that would wind them
up in jails and prisons.
I don't know, I'm just thinking out loud
here. In one instant, my whole world
changed. My thinking, actions, feelings,
values, morals, all of it. I went from
a spiritual, spontaneous, loving life
with it's ups and downs-into a very
sick individual. I never dreamed I would
have all these separate issues with myself
and my kids.
I think what bothers me the most is my
"perceived reality" could have been a
reality. The last 24 years have been
a very tangled web that I have weaved.

Hugs,

All I have time to say right now is

DITTO

I'll be back later.

Hugs,
MG

Josie I'm just going to think out loud as I write.

Here's what happened to me.

My parents always had a home, food and clothing for me and I'm grateful for that. They were honest and instilled that in me.

In the nurturing department there wasn't any. Their way of loving was providing. I think that was typical in that generation of parents.

My perceived reality was the fantasy of finding that love and nurturing. The problem was that I didn't have it and didn't know what it was. I just knew I needed it.

I picked people that were unable to give me the love I needed because I picked what I knew. Then I waited for them to give it to me just like I had always waited.

Being raped as a child damaged the little self esteem I had so terribly that I picked people who were abusive and neglectful. Each event damaged me more and it all just piled up on top of each other.

Sounds like you got a pile of **** too.

I can remember being in kindergarten and being devastated because my little boyfriend didn't like me anymore. I cried the whole day. I still remember it. That's just not normal. I had a boyfriend from kindergarten until 11 years ago. All the same kind of relationships. All wrong.

During the last relationship God started working on me. I changed so much in 5 years that it scared the crap out of me. My whole reality went up in smoke. It was replaced by a whole new reality. I thought I was going crazy. How could everything I believed all my life be a lie. My perceived reality was all false. Even everything I believed about God changed. Everything I believed about my family and childhood changed. It was quite amazing.

The thing that started it was learning to rest and let God be God. Surrender was the key. I couldn't fix me. You should have seen me working to surrender. It's quite funny when I look back on it.

So now I'm here without the pain that I carried with me all my life. Now when I feel pain there is something in the now that causes it usually unless something else is being dug up inside. I'm kind of in between now. I still have the PTSD symptoms and not much life in me. I lost what I thought was life and I'm still waiting for new life. I don't know how to get it or what it is, but I've finally learned that it's not my job and I will rest and wait. I'm content and that's so so much better than I used to be.

So there's my book.

Hugs,
MG

[JT]

Pardon my intrusion...this reminds me so much of that stickie on Debbie's board "The Awakening"

There was a point where I felt that myself...like I woke up suddenly and started looking around...

Hugs,
JT

[Elephants R. Grey]

Did you see the movie "The Matrix" JT. It was great!!!

I love "The Awakening" on Barbiedebs board. I go read it from time to time.

I think I'm still half asleep.

Hugs

[Josie]

J.T., and M.G.,
I never saw Matrix, my kids liked
it and I thought it was a sci-fi movie.
I'm on my way to read the "Awakening", it's
been a long time, and I need to refresh
my memory.

Hugs,