jareds roomates

[sidney]

MG,
I missed being able to talk to you. I am tired. Jared is on his fourth roomate already, not because of him but because of abuse from other children. Obviously , Jared is no angel but he doesnt understand fighting and sexual advances from the other kids. I am thankful they are keeping a watchful eye .
I am planning a trip in two weeks. My work will pay for it since I had to take the a huge paycut for the medicaid to continue. Cant remember if I had a chance to tell you about it.
Hope you are doing well, also your family,
Love and Blessings,
Sidney

Sidney,

I missed you too. I am so glad they are watching Jared so well. That must be a relief.

Have they said anything about his treatment plan yet?

Hugs,
MG

[sidney]

MG,
weaning him off the Moban and has been on Clozaril for about a week. Why coundnt they just do that here??? They have done extensive testing though, that wasnt done here. The result. Early trama (Guilt) and schizophrenia.

Sidney

Sidney,

I'm so glad he is there for that medication so they can watch him closely. I really hope it is the miracle that others have experienced. I will be praying that his blood count stays high enough to continue it.

I keep myself from feeling guilty because it never changes anything and doesn't help anyone. Try to do the same.

Hugs,
MG

[sidney]

MG,
My husband always said that guilt was a waste of emotion. I learned so much for him and I dont know why this lesson didnt sink in. I am hopeful that the med change will make a difference but I dont understand the early trama thing. Maybe I dont want to.

Best,
Sidney

Maybe they are speaking of your husbands death. Why don't you ask them. They could also be speaking of the sexual abuse. That was early in his life.

Hugs,
MG

[sidney]

MG,
They are talking about early physical trama, either in the womb or near after birth.
Sidney

OH Sidney.

See how my mind works. Trauma to me is always mental.

Did he have that kind of truama?(physical)

Hugs,
MG

[sidney]

I can think of lots of things that could have caused the early trauma. Possibly , the abusive marriage, the constant feeling of adreniline (sp) due to the marriage. After all adreniline is a hormone. I have questioned this for years. No one listened until now. Also he had two head injuries as an infant. Maybe more as my babysitter at the time was the cause of this. I just dont remember. I know I stopped using her as a sitter because Jennifer told me that she had slapped Jared across the face and gave him a bloody nose. He was about 10 months old.
Sick of emotional and physical trauma. Starting to feel weak again and crying at work. Dammit. Tired of the self loathing.

Sidney

Sidney,

It takes time to accept the horror. I actually felt suicidal when I found out my kids were so terribly abused. I had to force myself to accept it and let go of the horrible guilt.

I don't believe Jareds illness was caused by that. If it were true it would always be true. I was abused during both my pregnancies and my kids are as different as night and day.

You did not cause Jared's illness. Let go of the guilt. I can tell you are a loving, caring mother and you would never do anything to harm your children.

None of this is your fault.

Hugs,
MG

[sidney]

Its hard to get rid of and a waste of time and emotion.
Sidney

It is hard to get rid of. I found that I was making myself the monster instead of making the monster who did it the monster. I was taking on someone elses guilt.

It's hard enough to deal with our own guilt. We don't need to take on theirs. I still hold myself responsible for everything and have to work hard to give it back to whom it belongs.

I get really tired of the struggle sometimes. I know you do too.

Hugs,
MG

[sidney]

DITTO to your message.
Can you tell Im tired. Im exhausted now everyday. I had more energy when I went to the hospital every night.
Thanks again for being there. Im going to try to sleep (joke). Hope I can talk to you tomorrow. Got scared when the site was down.
Blessings and love to you and your patience again.
Sidney

Get some rest.

You can always email me if the boards should go down.

Hugs,
MG

[sidney]

MG,
Ok, Ive tried to regain my emotional strength. Im doing ok. The one thing that is disturbing me is that they dont understand that Jared takes everything literally. Why is that so hard to understand. Here he is in a special hospital. He's emotionally 6 years old and the staff continues to be sarcastic and make statements that he cant possibly understand. They might as well be speaking French. The kids were making fun of his name. I tried to explaine to him that kids just do that, not to let it get to him. He goes to staff and they say "thats just part of the basketball game". He has no clue . So I spend our whole conversation trying to tell him that what they said made no sense because it wouldnt to him because it has nothing to do with basketball , but people say silly things. So we are talking about basketball and trying to seperate them making fun of his name and getting nowhere.
Stupid sh**t. They should know better. We didnt have to deal with this immature behavior from the staff here.

Sorry to be so wordy. I have my appointment with my pdoc on monday. He will give me a pill so I wont hate myself so much. Right?????????????????????????

Love and blessings to you MG and hope your family is getting by. I sorry my stuff sounds so stupid.
Sidney

Hi Sidney,

It doesn't sound stupid. I just went through a whole ordeal at work last weekend when a stupid staff did a stupid thing with one of the kids. It was just unbelievable.

I hope the pill you get helps. I'm going to start zoloft as soon as I get up the nerve to go through the side effects. Maybe we'll both be happy people next week.

Hugs,
MG

[sidney]

MG,
Did I tell you that Eric (16 year old) is taking zoloft. It the 3rd antidepressant they have tried on him. I can see a major difference. I am very pleased because he was begining to scare me with his lack of memory. Hes brighter, happier and enthuiastic about his new school program. We have an appointment with his pdoc on tues and I am excited about telling him that something has helped. It so hit and miss. Have you been on zoloft before? It sounds like it from what you said. Eric hasnt complained about any side effects. He takes it at night and seems to be able to sleep ok. I have to give it to him though. He wont remember.
Jared sounded good tonight. I talked to the nurse and they are titrating the clozaril up and the moban down. The only thing that is bugging me about today is that he had an accident in his pants which I told them he sometimes does due to the meds and they think he did it on purpose. He has never soiled himself on purpose. I feel like they didnt believe me.
Did I tell you Jens husband has been diagnosed with bipolar. What a mess.
Hope you are well and if you think the zoloft will help you then go for it. I have no idea what to expect when I talk to my pdoc Monday. I dont think its natural for a mother to be so far away from her child. I cant shake the self loathing of the situation.
Blessings and Love to you,
Sidney

Sidney,

It's not natural for a mother to be away from her child, but it's not a time for guilt. You are away from your child to help him. It's a time for grief from the separation, not guilt. The guilt you feel is false. This situation is to try to help him. I think feeling helpless would also fit. Sometimes helplessness can cause guilt. I've felt that way before too.

I've never tried zoloft. I asked for it, but the doctor would only start me on prozac. So now I get to try the one I asked for in the first place. I'm taking it tonight for the first time.

In every place I've worked there are always one or two staff that understands their patient. Jared will have a couple too. They just need to get to know him better. See what happens.

I'm glad Eric is doing better. What's new with your daughter's husband. Are they still seeing each other?

Hugs,
MG

[sidney]

Yes the daugher is still seeing the husband who is combative and arguemenitive since he has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. He is not allowed here unless he is taking his meds. I think the depakote is making him more aggrivated. I am sick to death of mental illness. I could tell he was bipolar about two years ago but no one would listen to me. I no longer care. At least tonight I dont care because I cant.
They baby is sleeping in my room , Gary has gone to a friends house with the promise of taking his meds and Jennifer is on the phone with one of her stupid girlfriends.

Thanks for listening to the bull@%#t.
Love to you Morning Glory
Sidney

Kiss the baby and get some rest.

I'm surrounded by mental illness all day long. I know what you mean.

Yesterday I was knee deep in cockroaches. I was rescuing one of my clients who doesn't like to clean. Her staff did not do their job. I got a nice surprise when I did a quality assurance check.

Oh my God, you wouldn't believe it. I would spray and they would jump. They were jumping everywhere. There were two of us working on it and we were dying. I kept teasing the other girl because she has a degree. I just kept laughing and saying. See why I didn't bother finishing college. We both are knee deep in cockroaches and you have a degree.

Hugs,
MG

I brought a lot of posts to the top of the board so I'm posting this to move your post back to the top.

[sidney]

I hate,hate them. They are bigger and darker and rounder here. and some have wings ,it's such a evolutionary thing thing thats going on, they are too gross. I dont get too many in my house but I spray every year. plus,I have had to spray the backyard for ticks which is way stronger crap than what you use for cockroaches.Ive only seen a couple of roaches because of that.
Jareds nurse says he has too many toys, which are few. But since the other kids have none its hard on the kids who have parents who dont give a **** and have nothing. Doesnt sound right that Jared should have less because the other kids parents just dump them there. Im going to try to drive out there next weekend with Eric. MIght have already told you that.
Hope you had a good weekend. Your cockroach story was funny and made me laugh (getting rarer by the day) And made me sympathize with a bad situation
I have an appointment tomorrow with the pdoc. Eric seems to be doing really well on the zoloft. Hang in there.

Love and Blessings,
Sidney

It doesn't sound fair Sidney. I guess you'll just have to get some toy donations so they can all have toys.

I've never seen a black cockroach. I think we might call them water bugs here. Are they really big?

Good luck at the doctor tomorrow.

Hugs,
MG

[sidney]

I never saw them when I lived there. Its like a different breed of cockroach but grosser. The ones is cal. I remember to be smaller and not so dark. Yuk......can no longer talk about it.
Jared, has once again been moved to a different room tonight. His roomate was hitting him. His roomate is small about 70 pounds and Jared is 140 lbs and way bigger. Jared got a bloody nose. The problem being Jared is not aggressive against other children, especially one so small so he would just let the kid beat on him.
The nursing staff tonight thinks he should learn to stand up for himself but its just not in his nature. He would never hit a smaller child. I cant see Jared being in this placement and learning to be even more aggressive, but now lets include children. Doesnt make sense. Will be able to talk to his doc tomorrow for whatever thats worth.
His diagnosis has changed, get this
Axis 1 1)psychotic disorder, NOS
2)Rule out paranoid schizophrenia.
3)PTSD
4)mood disorder, NOS
5)rule out bipolar disorder , NOS
6)History of ODD
7)History of ADHD
Axis 2 Deferred (what the hell does that mean)
Axis 3 1) History of head injuries in the past
2)History of heart murmor
Axis 4 Problems with primary support, social environmental,
Educational problems.
Axix 5 GAF : 30 (whats that?????)

Thats where its at with Jared if you have anything you can add then please do. I thought schizophreni encompused all this kind of stuff so am no quite confused. (as usual)

Hope your doing well and survived the cockroach attack. Your a stronger woman than me.

Love and Blessings,
Sidney

Sidney,

I'll ask someone what all that means. I get those on all my clients and I don't know what it all means, but I know someone who does.

Hugs,
MG