Flying

[sidney]

Dear Mg.
Im sure your sick of hearing of my self hate. Your suggestion of telling it to a doll made me laugh.
Tommorow Jared and I are off on a Medivac helicopter to go to Austin. I think the self hate coincides with all the crying I have been doing this week.
I am afraid of heights. My doc told me I could double my Klonipin if I felt I needed it.
Once again
Blessings and thanks,
Sidney

Im afraid

Sidney,

I don't know how to help. I'm afraid to fly too. I could tell you all sorts of things, but I would be lying, lol.

I can go look something up on the internet that may help though. I do think I'd rather be on a helicopter than a plane.

How long is the flight?

Hugs,
MG

http://www.fearofflyinghelp.com/

http://members2.boardhost.com/flyer1/

[sidney]

Well,
Its done. Jareds in Austin and im home. We actually ended up going on a medivac plane which was ok and he enjoyed. I spent the whole day doing paperwork and only got to spend about 20 minutes with Jared before I had to leave.
He looked lost.
I feel lost.
Now I need to get my s**t together and stop being such an emotional wreck. Im afraid Im going to get worse . because I cant stop crying. I have been in the mode of taking care of Jared for years and years. Im used to the hospital here and my support system I have built up here.
The place is so much bigger. They dont have cottages but units and they are about ten times bigger than the cottages. He has a roomate. He just looked so confused and unsure when I left and Im upset I didnt have time to help him settle in and learn more about their program, whatever that may be.
I will make some phone calls tomorrow and also call Jared and talk to him. The phone hours are longer and they can have as many of their own things as they want. I will be sending his blanket and pillows to him and some more of his stuffed animals.
Thanks for your help with me dealing with me.

Sidney

Sidney,

You must feel so sad right now. I'm sorry it has to be this way. You have a hole in your life right now. It will take time to adjust. I'm sure Jared will adapt to his surrounding within a couple of weeks.

Crying is healthy right now. You're going through a major change and you'll feel lost for awhile. You'll feel helpless when you know he's not doing well and you can't just run over to see him.

Write letters and send him little things.

He knows you love him.

Hugs,
MG

[sidney]

I hope Jared does feel like I love him and didnt abandone him.
Thanks
Sidney

[sidney]

that was amandon that I ment to say. You know how I am about spelling. I feel like I did abandon him.
Sidney

I know he knows Sidney.

Hugs,
MG

[sidney]

I pray that he does. But I dont know if he understands enough.
Will talk to you tomorrow so you can get some rest and get on with it.

Thanks,
Sidney

I think it's pretty normal to feel like you abandoned him. I would feel the same way.

The truth is that you cared enough about him to do what is best for him and you put your needs aside to do it.

Hugs,
MG

[sidney]

Jared was vomiting all night last night. They gave him meds in the morning to stop it. MOre important they lost his stuffed panda bear that has been his security blanket since he was 5. When I talked to him tonight he got upset because he thought I would know where it was. He doesnt understnd why his blanket and pillows havnt arrived yet. Trying to explaine shipping to a child who has held a stuffed animal so dear to him for years didnt go over well. l , as you know feel helpless once again and have been crying all evening but I think I needed to cry because I fight it so much.
My computer was barely working and I had Eric reload everything. I figured I had nothing to loose and he did a great job. hes also doing well in the new program at school and the zoloft seems to be helping him. Love and Blessings, Sidney

That's rough Sidney,

Who lost the panda? The hospital or shipping.

I know you must feel just awful.

I wish there was something I could do to help.

Hugs,
MG

[sidney]

Dear MG,
I finally remember the last time I saw the panda so I know it was either left on the bus or misplaced at the facility. I will talk to Jareds social worker Monday. He is hearbroken about it.
I talked to him a few minutes ago. He still wondering where his things are, same shipping story.
He was upset because they claim he wet the bed, which he never does. I think he might of because the bathrooms there are locked at night. Either he doesnt remember doing it or maybe he dreampt that he was in a bathroom. Hes still scared and trying to get used to things but he does like his room mate.
I have been an emotional trainwreck and slept all day. I dont know if Im sick or just sick of things.
Eric has some kind of virus and is in bed, sleeping. I think he may have gotten food poisoning.
Jen wants to go out with her friends now that gary is gone. I hope she is not stupid enought to be meeting with him behind my back. She, of course wants me to watch Haley. I need to get some backbone, I feel like Im being suck down the drain.

Love to you and your family, as always, thanks for being there.
Love,
Sidney

Sidney,

Sounds like you crashed, but you needed too. I'm glad you stayed in bed today. Stay in bed tomorrow too.

I hope they find the panda bear.

I doubt your daughter's relationship is over yet. It's hard just to break it off cold turkey. I hope he doesn't do anything stupid to try to see the baby.

Get more rest!!

Hugs,
MG

[sidney]

Dear Mg,
I feel like Im a different person, like theres been some major change in my character, personality, self, whatever. Its kind of a lost feeling. Ill still get up and go to work and do the same stuff but Im even more distant from myself but my sense of reality seems ok. I dont know quite what Im trying to say. I know your working this weekend and I hope things went well.

Best to you,
Sidney

Sidney,

I think I understand what you're saying. It's like you let go of something you couldn't hold onto anymore. It left a blank spot in you. There is something blank in you that you can't feel or see anymore. It's more like you're in your head now instead of your heart. It's like a part of you isn't there anymore.

Does this sound like what you are going through?

Hugs,
MG

[sidney]

Yes

Sid

Sidney,

I think it's a stage of grief. I found this and posted it for us.

Hugs,
MG

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...?threadid=8845 (Surviving Significant Loss)

[sidney]

Morning Glory,
I read the post and It was informative but I have already read that kind of thing when my husband died. But I thank you.
I know I am feeling grief and loss. You know my whole feeling of being has changed.
Thanks MG
Sid

[sidney]

Hi

Sid

Hi Sidney,

How are you?

Hugs,
MG

[sidney]

Mg,
I have never felt like this in my life.
Sid

I think you need to keep talking about it. You've been too quiet.

Keep talking.

Hugs,
MG

[sidney]

I cant but thanks.
Love and blessings, sidney

Sidney,

I'm really concerned and hope you will hang in there until you get through this. Go see the doctor if you need to.

I think you're holding on to something really tight and you seem to be in a state of shock.

I'm just speculating by the few sentences you've posted.

I remember one night it was so bad for me with my son that I had to lock him out in the rain and the freezing cold. He pounded on the door all night. I swear I just literally felt something inside of me die that night. I never experienced anything quite like it. I got through it though. You can get through this too.

Hugs,
MG