Still Traumtized to this day

[Mike202005]

Hi, my name is Michael, I'm 20 years old (I'll be 21 in Aug.), still currently attend school (special ed) and I have a long story to tell, so I'm going to break it down to note/bulletin form and a few posts to make it easy for you. If possible, I hope I can get support, and possibly advice (not professional-wise, but sympathize with me, but advice would be appreciated). I don't have much freinds in my life. ( Only a few freinds.)

And please know that I did not know about this type of bullying ( I was like 15-16 when this happened ) And the only type of bullying I knew is when someone would just call you a name and talk junk to you, but not this sneaky sugar coated type of bullying.

Here goes:

Effects of the events and what the abuser did to me:

Inability to trust others and go out to introduce myself to people (People who I thought were my freinds talked behind my back in a negative way thinking I didn't hear them. )
Currently lazy and don't have a job (but I will work on that.)
Not open with anyone about my drawing talents
Made me see school in a negative light
Feelings of guilt and ashamed of myself for not saying or doing anything.
Anxiety Attacks
Sometimes I skip school because it brings back bad memories (I've been in there since 1997 and my main abuser came in 2001.)
If people criticize me now, I take it personally.
Anger and Resentment towards my abuser and school (my home school )
Sometimes thoughts of revenge on all those who hurt me

The abuser(s): Mr. G ( Male Vocational Teacher ) (in charge of a computer program), AB (caucasian girl), and few others.
She's not a bully, but just an annoying person from that time, Ms. W (Assistant teacher in acedemics in the afternoon after I would go from Mr. G's class in the morning.)

Where: My High School

When: September of 2001 to June 2004

[Mike202005]

Throughout those years:
Often would talk harshly to us. (Saying he'll be the biggest A-Hole to us and etc...)

And thing that traumatizes me now is that Mr. G would always play this betting game mention that 3 out of his 10-11 students (male) will be gay, think about being gay or been through a gay experience, and in his mind, I was probably one of his "bets". That still affects me to this day.

He would even do stuff to make a couple of my classmates mad and caused them to have outbursts, but they thought it was his way of disciplining them.

Between his harrassment and stuff. He would always tell me to get a job, not in a positive way, but kinda in a harsh sound way.

One time (like in 2003-2004)

He used the word "p***y in front of us, not the private part, but the name calling type.

And one time I remember him making a suggestive comment out load saying he would come in a bikini.

He tries to act like he would win any lawsuit and tries to act like he's powerful and etc..

I even drew him a picture one time, that's why I don't draw people as much in my school as I do now.

That shows you how crazy this guy is. I hate him so much. He is a D***HEAD!!!

2001

I asked to go to the bathroom and Mr. G said am I going to meet my girlfreind?

I had an anxiety attack and he said if I passed out he would kiss me.

Asked about my personal life on and off

I was at a website of Soap Opera Stars and Mr. G had said in front of a student I was looking at one of the female star's boobs and the student repeated what I said.

[Mike202005]

2002

Ask me if I ever looked up porn at home and if I did, he would tell my mom or something like that.

Ask me about my personal life about girls.

Two kids (one of the ignorants ones who messed with me) started a fight with anoter student when Mr. G was absent one day and the next Mr. G cursed at all of using the F word to all of us.

Effect:
Because of this, I did gay like things such as put male celebs in my backround. The classroom had computers where we would sit at and the calss was most boys and 1 girl.

Two other students picked on me about having a male celeb in the backround, and when I had a woman and a man, I was accused of being bisexual.
(One of them is in jail from 2005 to this day ! )

2003

I'm a good artist, he asked me what gender and body parts do I like to draw, but I realize now he was asking me which gender am I attracted to. This is why I'm currently not open with my drawings now.

Had some freinds (one I grew up with) who talked behind my back during this time.

[Mike202005]

Summer 2003

Not on purpose, I colored rainbow color hands for a theme at school and he said: So youre saying AR (the computer progam) should support the gay community? And in front of the whole class.

Used a male celebrity ( Tobey Maguire) to pick on me on and off.

Sweet music was playing on the radio, and Mr. G asked me would I play this to a girl.

Posters had fell down and Mr. G asked me if I was mad because my girlfreind left me.

Asked me what I would do the rest of summer break, but before I said anything

Fall 2003

A new girl, AB, arrived and I was nice to her at first, but then does a 180 and picks on me and curses at me and etc..

Because I was weak minded, Mr. G continued to brainwashed me into liking Tobey Maguire against my own will.

Effect: I was doing an assignment and printed Toeby Maguire, Mr. G found out and got angry with me. I only did because partly it was my own fault and because he brainwashed me into liking him.

(If you watch Days of Our Lives, it's like how Marlena was subconsciously brainwashed by Tony to believeing she was a killer.)

I told my acedemic teacher Mrs. B about what happened and she banned me from brining my drawings possibly for the rest of the year ( cause she thouhgt I was into stars too much or some BS reason) and wanted me to read instead while everyone else did what they wanted to do. I felt like Mr. G won and I lost.

I cried the whole day and some people were even being assholes to me to that day. Ms. W (the busybody teacher) was like if I did something wrong, take responsibility for it., AB picked on me about the incident, and some idiot teacher told me to grow up.
I was this close to cursing AB out, but I didn't.

That day I went home and screamed out load. I even tried to throw myself down the steps.

I was looking up the singer Justin Timberlake on the computer Mr. G and couple of other students picked on me about it. The computer frose and I had to turn the computer around to reset it, but they thought I was hiding Justin from them, which I was not.

In class, Mr. G was tlaking and I was smiling or something, he stopped and Mr. G said I was thinking about Justin Timberlake in front of the whole class.

I put Justin on the computer and was called gay for it. I don't like to say this, but I think part of me liked being picked on, because it was attention, but it was not the way to do it. So that's why I did things like that.

AB was being mean to me throughout the school year (Using Hilary Duff to pick on me the same way r.G was using Tobey, making gay jokes to me, cursing at me.)

Mr. G still continued to use Tobey Maguire against me even after that incident. ( even said Spiderman (the character Tobey had played ) out loud to another person so I would hear it).

[Mike202005]

Winter 2004

One day, I think there was going to be a movie night at school ro something and Mr. G asked me if I was going to take take a girl to the movies.
I couldn't take it anymore and decided to call a suicide hotline. My mother found it and she took me to a crisis center at the hospital.
I ended up having to specd 3 days at a mental hospital without going outside and it was not a very good feeling and I didn;t relally like that place. I thought it was a little strict.

My mom (and aunt) talked to the principal and the part that made me mad was that I heard the principal had said Mr. G was not like that.

I stayed home for a lot of days until I was ready to come back.

Rest of 2004

I spoke to the consuelors and etc.. but I felt like nothing was really done. I dont know why, but I chose to still be in that class.

A new kid named ML arrived and picked on me about Enrique Iglesias because I listened to his music and all this other bull I won't get into. Just know that he was an ignorant *** homophobe kid.

I had a Teen Magazine with Usher on the cover. I put it under my desk, I went out for a minute and when I came back someone put it on ym desk. It had ot be AB.

[Mike202005]

Rest of 2004 (cont.)

Not only in that computer class, but I had minor problems in acedemics too. About Ms. W: Sometimes I would be in her math group and she would always seem rushy and etc.. I was even trying the best I can and she was just being hard on me. She went told a student-teacher (who I adore) that If I can't get it right, just give me a "F".

All of Mr/ G's negativity and her attitude led me to call her a bitch. BUT, I didn't say that to her face nor did I say it to anyone, but I said it under my breath. Some ******* heard me and told her behind my back and confronted me about it. Then she gives me lecture about why I need to learn checking and etc..But it was her attitude that got in the way.

Someone had told her (the hefier AB) and the assistant is a liar and said she heard me, but she didn't. These things made me upset, because people think Im weak in stupid. And what is sad that whoever told her, half the class didn't like her anyway.

Another time is when we went to a nearby collage on a trip. We went to the cafe and I somehow borowed money from a fellow schoolmate and I asked hm can I pay him back? Keep in mind, the boy had said no.

Ms. W. got into my business and told the head my regular acedemic teacher, Mrs. B and Mrs. B made me pay the kid back EVEN though he told me know. That's how this busybody of a teacher really is.

Mr. G. also put me on the spot in front of the whole class and he had me sit next to kids that were hyper active and also had me sit next to the door so when people come in I can say "hi" and etc..

AB and Mr. G ( well the case manageer told me) had said once that I didn't deserve to be on Phase 1 (something in our school where you get to go on trips, etc....)

This will be it for now. I will post more later and stuff. I'll tell you how things are going, but let me tell now I thought things were going good for me, but some things happened that I'm starting to have flashbacks and almost feel this way again. I will explain tomorrow. See ya for now!

[grateful2bsober]

Hi Mike, I'm a little confused but did you tell your mom ALL of this? I really don't think it's legal for a teacher(mr.G) to talk to you like that! Whatever you are (gay or not) is none of his business! I suggest you print this out and show someone who has to do something about it. Someone who can't look the other way. Are you in counseling? (outside of school) Can u talk to your parents about that? I think it would really help to talk with someone and get all this off your chest (someone outside school). No one has the right to abuse you-mental, physical or emotinal. Don't just accept that this is the way it is. Did they give you the option to not be in that class anymore, and you chose to go back anyways? Maybe you should rethink that and get outta that class-for your own sanity. I know how it feels to be suicidal and it's something you need to talk about. Glad you posted here, tnere are many people to support you....I hope things change and you find some peace and hapiness. But don't Settle for that abuse!!!!!

[Mike202005]

Oh I'm not in his class anymore, I left in June of 2004, but I'm half still experiencing the emotional scars from most of it. I'm sure it happens with all abuse suriviors. And I told my mom half of the story about the rainbow incident in the summer, but I told her not to do anything. I was stupid then *haha*. And like I did say in the Winter 2004 section, she did find the number and we went to the crisis center.

I chose to go back because I was weak minded and was not myself during those times and I had some freinds I grew up with and I didn't want to leave them and it was the only connection I had to the good times in my life.


I recently did see a therapist outside of school. Like I said. I still have more things to post, but I'll do it tomorrow. Thanks so far.

[Wolfstarr]

Hi Mike and welcome...

I just saw your post and will go back and read it, then come back and respond...I just wanted to welcome you to SR, I can't stay online too long right now but will be back.
Thanks for posting.