shame and fear of letting people down

[ebjco]

I have a boss that is doing exactly what my father did when I worked for him. My father would refuse to answer my questions and help me out (I was an apprentise Tool Maker) but he would screem at me for "doing it wrong" and then act discusted. The acting discusted was the worst. I can still feel it today. If my father was at the drafting board and he saw me coming he would look really annoyed and discusted. I'm not getting screemed at but I am getting the "don't bother me go away - oh look, you did it wrong, now I'm discusted" treatment.
And it still has so much power over me. I have intense feelings at work of letting people down.

To this day I have an intense fear of being verbally attacked at work.
When I was younger this fear was so strong that if I was in line at a store I would become all tensed up waiting for someone to start yelling at me. I went as far as becoming a body builder hoping that people would be less likely to attack me if I weighted 200 lbs and was powerfully built.

I also have an intense fear of standing up for myself to a supervisor. That was the worst thing I could do growing up. It just made things a lot worse but I did it anyway.

So here I am in a fairly new job feeling totally screwed... I was out of work for three years with a major depression. I was kind of hoping that this job would last... I just feel really, really stupid around this guy. I also have a lot of shame and fear.

God, does this ever get better?

[Wolfstarr]

(((ebjco)))

Welcome to SR.
I can certainly relate to you and how "other people" make us feel about ourselves.
It is a defeating feeling, but wait...there is a definite road to feeling better,
in the way we perceive ourselves and how we handle and process our relationships
with others.
Do you have someone to talk with about your feelings? A therapist or counselor?
It would help you so much if you would let out some of these concerns that are over whelming you.
Please feel free to come here often and let it out. You are not stupid. Your post proves that you have intelligence and sensitivity...
We're here to listen and help with our experience and strength..
You can get through this, and things will be better...

[stonetree]

I have almost the same problem, at least in principle.
I have this strong fear that I must always give 100% at work and when Im slow then someone will push and critisize me.
Im well aware that people who dont have anxiety would prolly say its no big deal at all, but its really totally debilitating for me.
Whats more, I have chronic pain and so I must do everything very slowly and this in return makes my fear of not doing enough even worse. So, I always feel like Im underachieving even if im actually doing alright. And i always feel like I cant do anything right. Even when there is nothing that suggests im not performing well, im still on defense and on the lookout for a potential thread in this context. My mind wont rest.
Because of my chronic pain I have to consciously make an effort to only give 50% or less and this in turn makes my fear worse, and the pain gets worse too.
Realizing that this kind of fears come from ones past is no help at all to me cuz im still afraid.

[ebjco]

Hi stonetree

I feel we think this way because we learned these responses to situations like work. I never learned to stand up to my father at work without making excuses and hollering back. I didn't know how to calmly ask my Dad why he was getting so upset. How could I? As awful as it felt I knew I could screem back at him without getting fired. But it really didn't work for me. I was in a constant state of anxiety. I had cronic stomach problems. So now when I am in a situation where I feel like I am being rejected for my job performance I experience extreem rage and anxiety. In my mind I have no frame of reference or coping strategy for dealing with a critical supervisor except to become depressed, angry and anxious. There's nothing there to draw on... What I usually do is quit and try to find a job with a "better" boss. Some times I do and the job is great. But I am always on the look out for a replacement father. And I always seem to find one.

Ernie

[Don W]

Hi Ernie, Reminds me so much of working for my father in a family owned business. He's abuse me physically at home and mentally at work. Sometimes, I think he wanted to be sure, that it didn't appear he was showing favoritism. I know it is difficult but, try and tuff it out. Sometimes it is others that have the problem. This person might be afraid you'd ask something he didn't know. Sometimes their not sure of themselves and look at others as a threat. You mentioned being out of work, and I don't think you'd want to be out of a job. Is there a trade school or someplace you could enhance your training? If you could take some coures while still getting a paycheck, you'd be better off. As you get better, you could either improve your position there or look for a better job. I spent many years running away instead of standing my ground.
It has nothing to do with bodybuilding. It has to do with mind building. Even now, I have to remind myself to pick and choose my battles. Sounds like this person might not be on anyone's favorite person list. You know, there isn't much good that I learned from my father, however there was one. " You might not always agree with your boss but, your boss is always your boss." I got in an argument with my present boss about a year ago. Even when right, sometimes you can't win. Taking courses or even finding another employee to tutor you is a great end around play. And you still get 6 points for the touchdown. Ernie, I can tell you've already discovered what I'm going to say. In many cases, at the next job I ran into the same type person. Work on you, work on your low self esteem. You must have had some talent, they hired you. Before I came to this hospital I worked at another. There was a nasty woman supervisor there. I decided to leave and get another job because of her. Turns out I made the right move but, for the wrong reason. After a month I bumped into a former co-worker. I asked how this woman was. He said, "Don, about 2 weeks after you left she left. In fact the managers mentioned you would have been a great replacement. I think she knew that to, and that is why she picked on you." Like the others mentioned blow off your steam here. Just smile to yourself and collect your check. Make up your mind that you need the money and until you find something better, they'll have to fire you to get rid of you. Controll your actions.

[Don W]

I hope your day went better to start off week. I just want to express my feeling that you need to find a better Ernie, not a better job. The better Ernie is hidden inside you. Like myself, you've modeled yourself using the views of others. They call them paradigms. Models in which we form a mental image of ourselves. Being young we have only the models of our parents, in most cases, to go by. If they provide false models we have nothing to compare so we except. Our minds can be taught wrong lessons using the wrong information. We believe this is true due to the source. Sort of like if we were taught for years that 2+2=5, we would believe this until we went to school and learned it equaled 4. You see we now have another authority to campare to. Do dismiss any complimentry statements, when someone express they like you, do you devalue it because they really don't know the reral you. I took a course at the VA Hospital that helped alot. It was called cognitive theraphy. It deals with our perception of an event and planning failure. I would guess that you start a project thinking that you might/will mess it up. Now it doesn't matter that the 10 other things were right. I'd take that one item, that one person and use it to validate my negitive feeling about me. I hope you and others have noticed that I've gone back and forth. I've used you, me, I, we to show that you are not alone. Almost every one of us could put our names on other's post and not be charged with plagerism. I would like to see you give us a list of good things you've done today. When most of us do this we have problems. Asked to write our failures, we run out of paper. I understand that this is difficult but, your going to have to believe us, that are further along. What type of tools do you make? That must take talent. Are you good with other mechanical things?The key Ernie is to not give up. There will be some ruff memories to deal with. For years I ran or drank or both. We, you or us have to reteach ourselves. We do this by finding the correct information. I was taught, I was stupid and no good. For years I believed this. Even though I work in an operating room helping to save and change lives. I considered myself a loser. Any success would make me run. Or shoot myself in the foot. Sadly we become comfortable being abused, I did.