patience

[sidney]

I can feel myself loosing patience big time. Im ready to blow. How can I think of giving up my stupid wine when the stress is so high. I actually yelled at Jared twice today. I never do that I always hold it together. I want to be left ALONE and its impossible. My work is driving me crazy. every time the phone rings I am still jumping out of my skin and this is with the Klonapin.. I dont like myself very much right now. In fact the word hate comes to mind. In fact discust and despise also come to mind. I am extremely irritable and I dont even want to come home at night.

Sidney

Sidney,

You've just described PTSD. Talk to your doctor and see if he/she can work on your medication. It doesn't appear to be working.

This is not about hating yourself. This is about having PTSD. There are ways we can change our reactions to things so we handle this better, but it's hard to do when the anxiety is so extreme. You are having a hard time coping right now. You are burnt out.

You just have to figure out some way of getting some peace and rest. Isn't there any parental respite care available for Jared. We have respite homes here so the parents can get a break.

Work on it. You need it. If you stop functioning. What will happen then. You have to take care of yourself first.

Hugs,
MG

[sidney]

There is no appropriate respite care here for Jared. I dont know if its the PTSD or if its all just becoming too much. Ive already been here. Ive already felt like its too much. I dont want to be here any more. Im sick of feeling like its too much. I need to be stronger.

Sidney

We aren't superhuman. We can only do so much. You have a heavy load. I just wish there was a solution to make things easier for you.

I'm just not sure what that would be.

You'll just have to learn some techniques to relax in the middle of all this. I'm not good at that either though. Maybe some relaxation tapes.

I wish I had some answers, but I do think the medication should be working better than it is.

Hugs,
MG

[sidney]

I think the klonipin helps some but Im beginning to wonder about the wellbutrin. I know when Ive stoped it before I felt suicidal. I would never act on it . I am in the dead zone. I dont feel alive and maybe I dont need to. I have tried zoloft, prozac, paxil, amitriptoline. I think its my own will that is weak. But the other side of the coin is how would these meds work If I wasnt drinking wine. Maybe one of them could help me. I need to learn how to help myself.

Sidney
Thanks

[sidney]

MG,
Im getting worse. I feel like everyday is getting worse.

Do you ever feel like your babysitting all us nuts?


Sidney

Hi Sidney,

I am one of these nuts. I've just learned to accept that I'm different.

I wish there was something I could do for you. There has to be solutions.

Maybe the wine and the medication are causing a reaction. Did you let the doctor know that you are drinking wine with the meds. Is that ok?

You also need a break. Can you take a vacation and have some alone time while Jared is in school.

Is there anyone that can give you a break???

Hugs,
MG

Sidney,

I don't know how long you've been on the welbutrin, but it made me feel horrible. The prozac at times makes me feel horrible and I quit taking it for a couple of days.

There is another medication for anxiety called buspar. It is commonly used.

There has to be a medication that can help you with this. I know I did it without medication, but it wasn't fun and if I were you I'd go see that doctor of yours and tell him to do something.

Nothing is worse than anxiety.

Hugs,
MG

[sidney]

One of Jareds doctors thought buspar might help me. Im about sick of the wellbutrin. Part of the problem is I have to pay for my appointments. My insurance wont pay for mental health. I, of course, didnt tell the doc about the wine then I would look like the person I am. I owe the university about 400.00 at this point .I think I could make an appointment and he would see me but If I tell him Im drinking I will valify(sp) that I am a looser. Strange how my insurance covers the meds but not the treatment. I am feeling very anxious and bad. A friend of mine told me today her husband died, he was 49. I cant even hear stuff like that It takes me back and I want to help her because Ive been there but I cant. It makes me have more flashbacks which I need to get rid of. I need to leave this hell. I need the schizophrenic child to stop screaming at me. I need the daughter and son in law to get their own place to live, despite how much I love my grandaughter. I need something and I dont know what it is.

Blessings to you and your thoughtfulness,
Sidney

I didn't know the other kids were living with you too. I lived with my daughter for awhile and as much as I love them all I thought I would go crazy from the noise. Not a minutes peace.

You need time to relax. Maybe buy a relaxation tape. It might help. A hot bath and a relaxation tape. Just don't fall asleep in the tub.

Try the buspar if you can. Maybe he could prescribe something over the phone if you tell him you can't afford it right now. Tell him that the anxiety is so bad that you have started drinking wine along with the meds. He needs to know about the wine.

Hugs,
MG

[sidney]

I cant even go to the bathroom. Every single time I try to go to the bathroom or brush my teeth I hear the word "MOM". I thought we were suposed to like being mothers. Im exhausted by it. I have no time except late at night and then Im too tired to care about myself.

Thanks
Sidney

I know just how you feel. No wonder you're stressed out. I used to rent a motel room just so I could get away for a night. I couldn't afford to do that very often.

It just gets to you when you have anxiety. We can't take the noise that normal people can. Lock yourself in your room if you can.

Hugs,
MG

[sidney]

I can remember locking myself in the bathroom when Jared was little. I could hear him throwing furnature around and dishes and I would hide in the bathroom. The other kids would lock themselves in thier rooms. Now he's too big. Im not so afraid of him breaking anything because I never replaced anything (we have one dining room chair). Im afraid of him getting out of the house and walking down the middle of the street unaware of whats around him, not a care in the world that there could be a car coming because HE'S NOT HERE. He is killing me. I have a plan you dont even want to know about.

Sidney

Sidney,

Yes I do want to know about your plan.

There are solutions. You may not like the solutions, but there are solutions.

Hugs,
MG

[sidney]

MG,
Iwould like to email you. I cant talk about my plan here. Can we email each other??????

Sidney

All you have to do is hit the PM button on my post and it will be a private message.

I sent you an email.

[sidney]

Thanks for letting me know about the PM button. I will probably use it more so I dont bother you with emails. Screaming baby.
Talk later

Sidney