How To Think Clearly

HOW TO THINK CLEARLY

Your thoughts - your thinking - that’s the problem. When you learn how to control your thoughts you will be able to control and manage the way you feel. However, before you can control your thoughts you (and I) must first learn to recognize our patterns of distorted thinking. When we can recognize or see these "distorted thoughts" we can begin to learn how to unravel them and replace them with the Truth. Listed below are what many psychologists call “cognitive distortions.” I have tried to include some examples so that you will be able to see more clearly how and where some of these may apply to your thought process.


Examine each of them and learn to become aware of any of these patterns in your day to day walk. Where you can see distorted thinking, you will be able to learn to step outside of those thoughts greatly reducing your stress.


If in your journey you come across something that bothers you, refer to the “Misbelief/Truth” link and run your thoughts through the worksheet provided. Soon you will find a new and wonderful meaning in the phrase “You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”


COGNITIVE DISTORTIONS


1. ALL-OR-NOTHING THINKING: You tend to see things in black-and-white, right or wrong, good or bad with no “shades of gray.” You either love or hate something and see everything in terms of one extreme or the other; there is no in-between. If your performance falls short of perfect, you see yourself as a total failure.


Example: Jimmy was shaking and sobbing, his head buried deep in his hands. “I’ve failed, I’m just no good at Geometry. I’ve totally blown the test and my semester is ruined. I might as well give up!” Sara took the test paper from Jimmy and after reading the score remarked “Jimmy, you got a B plus. That is one the best grades in the whole class”.


Explanation: It would have been a heathier response if Jimmy had reacted a little more like this: “I got a B plus on my test. I was working hard and hoping for an A plus, but a B plus is pretty good too.”


2.. CATASTROPHIZING: You view everything as a catastrophe. Again, like the “all or nothing” thinking, you see no “shades of gray”. You exaggerate or magnify the importance of things (such as your goof-up or someone else’s achievement) Catastrophizing paralyzes your action. You fear the worst, so you won’t make a move. - You develop a "cough" and are convinced that it is Lung Cancer.


Example: Sandra had just found out that Ben did not want to go with her to the High School Dance. “This is the end of the world” she exclaimed, “I’ll never ask another boy out again, ever.”


Example B: Bill, after finding out that the lead trumpet player in his college stage band wouldn’t be able to make the performance that night shouted, “That’s it! We can’t go on tonight. The whole performance will be terrible without our lead trumpet player. We must cancel the show.”


3. MINIMIZING: This distortion is almost the reverse of catastrophizing. You shrink things until they are way out-of-wack with reality. (Like your own desirable qualities or the other fellow’s imperfections). You downplay a situation, depending on your needs rather than the reality. Or, you insult someone and minimize the effect by saying “I was only kidding.”


4. MIND READING: You really believe that you know what another person is thinking without knowing the definite facts and you don’t bother to check it out.


Example: “I know I won’t get the promotion. My boss and my co-workers really don’t like me very much.”


5. FORTUNE TELLING. You anticipate that things will turn out badly, convinced that your prediction is an already-established fact.


Example: “I know what these clouds mean. Rain, rain, rain. By this afternoon it will be pouring and our picnic will be a disaster.”


6. OVERGENERALIZATION: After only one or two instances of an event, you leap to the conclusion that it happens every time or to everybody or everywhere. I call this the “always” distortion.


Real life example: My wife is not the most “prompt” person who ever lived. In fact, she will admit that there are times when she has caused us to be late to various functions. I used to get quite frustrated and say things to her like “you are always late” and “can’t we be on time, just once”. I would make myself miserable by believing what I was thinking and saying to her. The truth is that she is, in fact, usually on time.


7. SHOULD STATEMENTS: You try to motivate yourself with shoulds and shouldn’ts, as if you had to be beaten and punished before you could be expected to do anything. “Musts” and “oughts” are also part of the "should statements." You also try (maybe unknowingly) to manipulate others by telling them what they should and shouldn’t do. The emotional consequence is guilt. When you direct should statements toward others, you feel anger, frustration, and resentment.


Example: “I should have known that we were supposed to wear casual attire to this party.” or “you should have balanced this darn checkbook.”


Truthful statements:” I wish I would have known about the casual attire at this party, I feel so foolish” - and - “honey, I really would like you to start balancing the checkbook.”


A good “rule of thumb” is that the “shoulds” only apply when it is the government's law or in God's law. Examples of this might be: “The speed limit here is 55 mph so I really should be driving that speed.” You shouldn’t be having an affair with that woman. Someone is going to get very hurt by your actions.”


8. MENTAL FILTER: You pick out one negative thing and dwell on it so that your vision of reality becomes darkened, like a drop of ink that turns the entire beaker of water black.


Example: You spill a glass of wine at a dinner party an conclude that the entire evening was a disaster.



9. EMOTIONAL REASONING: You think, “I feel it, therefore it must be true.” For example, you feel anxious, so you conclude that something terrible will happen to you.



10. DISCOUNTING THE POSITIVE: You find reasons to distrust and dismiss compliments or friendly moves. Such poisoned thinking discourages friendships and undermines intimacy.


11. MISLABELING: With mislabeling, you tend to paint a picture of reality that you want or fear rather than what actually exists. You may say “I’m a failure” and think that you really are, when all you actually did was make one little mistake.


12. PERSONALIZATION: I call this the “I, I, I, me, me, me” syndrome. Your friend gets a flat tire on the way over to your house and you’re convinced that it was because you asked them to come over and help you with some project. There are probably many reasons for the flat tire but you are convinced that it is all your fault.

RESEARCH:


* Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy, Burns, David D. New York; Signet Books, 1980


* How to think clearer - By Earl Ubell - Parade Magazine, 1984


* From Panic to power - Lucinda Bassett - Harper Collins Books, 1995


* Anxiety, Phobias and Panic - Reneau Z. Peurifoy MA, MFCC - Life Skills, 1992


* Anxiety & Panic Attacks Their Cause and Cure - Robert Handly, Pauline Neff - Fawcett Crest, 1985


* Feel the fear and do it anyway - Susan Jeffers, Ph. D. Fawcett Columbine, 1987


* Pain of Shyness can lead to Isolation - Thrity Umrigar - Knight Ridder Newspapers, 1998


* How to cope with difficult people - Dianne Hales and Robert Hales M.D. - Parade Magazine, 1995


* Professional guide to diseases - 5th Edition - Springhouse, 1995


* Telling yourself the Truth - William Backus & Marie Chapian - Bethany House Publishers, 1980


* The secret of letting go - Guy Finley - Llewellyn Publications, 1993


* Real Moments - Barbara DeAngelis, Ph. D. Bantam Doubleday Dell Publishing, 1994


* Don't Panic - Revised Edition - R. Reid Wilson, Ph. D. Harper Perennial, 1996

Misbelief vs. Truth


One of the ways to instantly feel better is to "tell ourselves the truth."


Our negative feelings are usually caused by our own distorted thinking. It often helps to write down the things that are bothering us to see if we are really being truthful with ourselves in our own thinking. If not, we can then dispute those thoughts or "misbeliefs" with the Truth. The Truth is most always much more peaceful than our imaginations.


Below is a worksheet* that I use when trying to get those distorted thoughts out of my mind and replace them with the calming Truth. I have left the first form blank for you to download or print, followed by an example of a person who is feeling depressed because of a broken leg.

http://www.angelfire.com/id2/cafe/truthmisbelief.pdf

10 Principles to cope with fear

Below are listed “10 Principles to cope with fear.” I wrote them down on a 3" x 5" card and carried them in my wallet for a couple of years. Wherever I was, whenever I felt anxiety coming on, I would refer to them - rereading their powerful Truth. Over time, they became my natural thought process.




10 PRINCIPLES TO COPE WITH FEAR





1. It does not matter if you are frightened.


2. Just because you feel the sensation does not mean you are sick.


3. Let the feelings come - they will pass.


4. Make yourself as comfortable as possible without escaping.


5. Stop adding to your distress with negative thoughts.


6. Refocus your body.


7. Wait - give it time to pass.


8. View the situation as an opportunity to practice.


9. Try and distract yourself.


10. When your feelings subside - let your body go loose.





by Fensterheim

http://www.joepanic.com

Practice, practice, practice...

How and Why it works


Practice, practice, practice - and then practice some more. Oh, how I used to hate practicing my music lessons while all the other kids were playing outside on those beautiful sunny, summer days. It seemed like such a struggle but as time passed, little by little, I became a better and better musician.


It was the same way during my recovery from panic disorder. Most days I did not want to practice my therapy techniques. Most day I did not want to do my breathing exercises or practice muscle relaxation. I did not want to examine my thoughts and write them down in my journal. I did not want to revisit my fears on my Misbelief-Truth worksheet. There was a million things I would have rather have been doing. But my emotional pain was great. Looking back I think that the pain I was in was my great motivator. “I’ll do anything,” I’d say, “ even practice every day, if it will make me feel better.”


Well, I did practice, every day, and little by little, I did get better and better. And you will too. Here’s why...


PAVLOV’S DOG


Nobel Prize winner Ivan Pavlov once did an experiment with his dog. (Please forgive me as I explain this - I am not a scientist so my vernacular is very “plain”) Every day before he fed his dog, he would ring a bell. Day after day he would ring the bell so his dog could hear it. Immediately after ringing the bell Pavlov would feed his dog. After some time Pavlov discovered that all he had to do was ring the bell and his dog would begin to salivate. This was because the dog had learned or had become “conditioned” to respond in that particular way. The dog knew that he was about to get some food every time he would hear the bell and would respond by salivating. Or, by repeated exposure to a stimuli (ringing bell and dog food) Pavlov’s dog came to react in a particular way - to salivate at the sound of a ringing bell.


THE GOOD NEWS - BAD NEWS


The bad news is that most of us who experience panic or high levels of anxiety have been “conditioned” to respond in our panicky way. Somewhere in our past we experienced an event or a series of events (our exposure to stimuli) and our response was to become quite anxious. We may not even be aware of what those events were but over the years we have become conditioned to respond in an anxious way each time a similar stimuli occurs.


The good news is that if we have been “conditioned” to respond in a fearful way, we can also be conditioned or “re-conditioned” to respond in a non-fearful way. Just like Pavlov’s dog, we can actually change the way we respond to any event by reconditioning ourselves through repetitive cognitive truthfulness - or through repeated exposure of viewing a situation or an event through the eyes of Truth instead of through the eyes of our old distorted way of thinking.


INTERNALIZATION


Another reason to “practice, practice, practice” is that it takes about six months of doing some new thing in our lives, most every day, for it to become a habit. And it takes about a year of daily doing for that thing to become internalized in us. That is to say - it takes about one year for that new thing to become our natural response.”


The great news is that it is entirely possible for us to make “calm and peaceful feelings” our natural response to what used to make us fearful and anxious.


There is no “magic wand.” But there is a cure. It just takes practice.

http://www.joepanic.com

HELPFUL HINTS FOR HEALING


1. Don’t try to forget your fear. That will only serve to empower it.


2. Reason your fear away. Face the fear and call it the impostor that it is using Truth as your ally.


3. Don’t fight the fear. That will only give it strength.


4. Let the fear feelings come. Watch the fearful thoughts and feelings come over you. Stand your ground and continue watching. Soon the fear will pass over you and be gone like a wave on the ocean that splashes over you and then rolls silently by.


5. Do not run from fear. Or you will always be on the run.


6. Walk side by side. Walk with fear down the path of Truth and one day you will discover there is no fear there at all.




WINNING THE WORRY WAR



1. Wake up. Get out from under the slumber spell. Become aware of your thoughts.


2. Step outside. Stand outside of your thoughts and look in at them through the window of your mind. Realize that your worry thoughts are separate from reality.


3. See the lies. See that your worry thoughts are, indeed, lies.


4. Trounce with Truth. Dispute your worry thoughts with the truth.


5. Freedom. Watch the fear fade to freedom.



POWERFUL POINTS TO PONDER



1. Stop and start over. Stop whatever you are doing and start over.


2. Look, listen and learn. See your twisted thinking, listen to the Truth, and grow from watching the Truth obliterate your negative thoughts.


3. That was there and then. Realize that your distorted thoughts are of the past or of the future.


4. This is here and now. Awaken. Get yourself into the present moment.


5. The Present present. You are always here and the time is always now. Once you realize this your feet will be firmly planted on the path of peace.


PRINCIPLES OF PEACE



1. Patience. Watch the situation. Become aware of your surroundings and calmly and confidently wait.


2. Practice. Separate yourself from your stressful thoughts. View the situation as a wonderful opportunity to practice all that you have learned.


3. Persistence. When the feelings of fear come - hold your ground. Stay relevant and dispute your twisted thinking with the Truth.


4. Power. The Truth is all-empowering. Soon your fearful thoughts and feelings began to dissipate into the week nothingness that they are.


5. Peace. Using the power of Truth you have won the worry war. You have won freedom. The treasure of peace is yours.

http://www.joepanic.com

The Big Risk - Life


CHANGE


Change is difficult for most everyone. Anyone who has ever tried to quit smoking, go on a diet or develop an exercise program knows just how tough it is to make even the smallest change their life. However, change is a fact of life. Any form of physical life that is not changing is already dead. We are constantly changing shedding our old skin and growing anew. It can be truthfully stated that in order to live we must change.


The same is true for us psychologically. In order to live we must be in the present moment and the present moment is constantly changing. New events and situations arise and fall each moment like the rising and the falling of the tide. For us to be living our life to its fullest we must be able to adapt to these constant changes. We must be flexible. We must be evolving and in a very real way continuously changing.


For many people the idea of change is a frightening thing. They want to find what they consider to be safe and secure little niches or places in life that they can comfortably squeeze themselves into. For them to hear that they should come out of their caves and join the living is a scary thought. They have talked themselves into thinking that they actually like the prisons that they have created for themselves.


In truth what has happened to these people is that they have developed a fear of “risk taking.” I’m not talking about jumping-out-of-airplanes kinds of risks. No, what I’m talking about is “people risks.” They have become afraid of people risks. Of coming out of their cave-prisons and placing themselves in the constant change-flow of life that comes in relationships.


They like keeping track of all things, at all times and in the real world it is impossible for anyone to do that because life is always evolving. They are also fearful of real living because it would mean having to give up their false perception of being in control. They have yet to come to understand that one cannot control life no matter how hard one tries. In their cozy caves they imagine themselves to be in control of things. What they fail to realize is that their fear of being out of control is actually controlling them and locking them inside of their prison-cells.


We need to, at some point , come to terms with our tendencies to put ourselves into this “false sense of security” type of mentality. It is not a secure life hiding out from the rest of the world for two important reasons. One: Even that world can come crashing down around you and two, it is not really much of a life living in a “prison of fear.”


When we begin to see our tendencies toward non-risk-taking then we can begin to do something about it.


I have met many people who claim to be risk takers. They mountain climb, sky dive etc..., but they are in fact not risk takers at all. Please understand that these “thrill seeking events”are not the kinds of risks that I am talking about. What I am referring to is the willingness to engage in the flow of life. To interact with people in good situations and in bad. To jump into the rushing river of life and let is carry you wherever it may.


To fully engage in the present moment. This is an awesome thing. To be willing to risk putting aside all of your thoughts about what you think life ought to be and to step into what life really is - here and now. To risk letting go of those thoughts and ideas that you think you need to keep you safe in this world and to walk free down the path of peace.


It is a lie to think that your thoughts are protecting you. Quite the contrary. It is usually your thoughts that are upsetting you.


Dare to let go of them. Like the baby eagle crawling out of her mothers nest for the first time. As she stands with wobbling legs on the edge of a high cliff her first thought is to go back to the safety of her mothers nest. But deep inside she knows that the only way that she will ever fly is if she takes the risk and jumps off the edge of the cliff. So she spreads her wings and with her eyes wide open takes a giant leap of faith. In an instant she discovers what she is meant to do. She is meant to fly - to soar.


It is the same for me and you. We were born and are destined to take the great leap of faith and to spread our wings and soar. Take the risk. Dare to change. When you do you will discover all that you have ever truly longed for.

http://www.joepanic.com

DJ of Darkness


OUR DJ OF DARKNESS


Our twisted thinking - that non-stop voice playing over and over inside of our heads like a menacing “DJ of darkness” - that’s the problem.


One of the tricks that our own twisted thinking plays on us is making us believe that if we let go of it’s “warnings” - free ourselves from its foolish fantasies - then we will be left unprotected. Our twisted thinking - Mr. DJ - would have us believe that the only way that we will be able to travel safely down the road of life is with it as our master navigator - charting our course. Letting our thoughts guide us through life is like putting on a blindfold so that we may better see a beautiful sunset.


That clever ever-present voice inside of our heads will do whatever it takes for us to keep unconsciously following its instructions because the minute we cease to listen to its treacherous trash-talking is the moment it ceases to exist.


In fact that voice inside of our heads will do anything - tell us anything - to keep us from discovering its existence. Mr. twisted DJ knows very well that if we discover his mischievousness it will be the beginning of the end of his reign on our mental airwaves.


He knows that when we “truly” listen to what he is saying we will see the foolishness of his fantasy friendship and he will be destined to doom.


That is to say that when we become aware of exactly what it is that he is trying to do - when we see that his motives are only self serving and that he does not have our best interests at heart (because he has no heart), then we will be able to shine the light of Truth upon his shadowy ways.


And any time you shine light in a room where there is darkness - what happens - the darkness is gone. If when shine the light of Truth on our DJ of darkness, he too, will dead and gone. Our twisted thinking becomes unraveled and we are free from this foolish fantasy “friend.”


So he wants us to stay in our perpetual state of slumber while thinking that we are wide awake. He wants us to feel like we are behind the wheel - in the drivers seat and in control of our own destination - while all the time it is he who is pulling our puppet strings. Making us dance to the beat of his deceptive drum.


He is the one who is telling us that if we do not do exactly as he says - something horrible will happen to us.


Let the following illustration shine some light on this DJ of darkness.



Tim's Tremendous Talk



Tim was about to do the one thing in life that he dreaded the most. He was about to stand in front of four-hundred people - his peers - and deliver a speech. He had recently been given an award for “most outstanding contribution” in research for his bio-tech company.


Tim had always - as far as he could remember - avoided talking in front of people. In fact his nervousness around people had actually driven him into his secluded research field. In a way his fears had contributed to his material success. But he knew he was a failure at speaking. There was no doubt in his mind that he was about to make a complete fool of himself and that he would soon lose all of his new found respect from his co-workers.


He was a nervous wreck. The countdown to his final destruction had begun. The seconds were ticking and the bomb was ready to explode. It was doom time. Tim was trembling and felt both nauseous and faint.


Somehow he managed his way on to the stage and in front of the podium. His mind was racing so fast - it was as if he had no thoughts at all. “What a time for my mind to go blank” he said to himself. As the crowd applauded his arrival he reached for the glass of water sitting on the edge of the podium.


His hands were so sweaty that he almost lost his grip and dropped the glass. He quickly and carefully set the glass back down on the podium ledge. His throat was bone dry. He stared down at his wrinkled notes and began to mutter the first words that were written on the page.


Slowly, word by word, Tim began to inch his way through his speech. At first his voice was noticeably shaking but then something amazing began to happen. Tim became so focused on the words and sentences he was reciting that he forgot how scared he was.


Soon people were laughing at all the right places and had become totally intrigued with his unique perspectives. Before Tim had finished, he had the crowd in the palm of his hand. You could hear the proverbial pin drop. At the end of his speech they erupted in applause. It was then that Tim realized that he had forgotten how scared he was. He thought to himself “this sure wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be”. “In fact, I could do this again”.


In this illustration the main “character” is the one that we cannot see. We can only see the effects that this cunning character has upon Tim. And then we see our main character - at the end - die.


Who is this mystery actor? He is Mr. DJ himself. Our DJ of darkness and doom. Our disc-jockey of destruction. Our faithful friend of foolish fantasies. He is Mr. twisted thinking. Sir distorted thoughts. Captain cunning. Lord of the lies.


This character - whom we don’t see - is, at first, talking to Tim at a mile a minute. He is telling Tim that disaster awaits if he should step on the podium. He is telling Tim how he has kept him “safe “ all these years and pleading with Tim not to abandon his words of “wisdom” now.


Mr. DJ of darkness is scared to death that if Tim goes out on to the stage that he might find out that it is not such a bad place after all. Our DJ of doom is begging Tim to listen. “Listen to me” he tells Tim, “Run for your life”. And the closer it gets to Tim's time to talk the more frantically Mr. DJ’s pleas become.


“Timmy listen to me, I have been with you guiding you since you were just a boy. And look at yourself. We’ve made it this far haven’t we? Don’t leave me now Tim. I’ve never led you astray and I never will. I’m here to protect you. Oh Tim - for Gods sake - hear me now. There’s doom out there in stage-land. Horrible things will happen if you take but one more step. Timmy, flee for your life”


Mr. DJ of darkness knows full well the possibility that await out there on stage. That the spotlight that is on Tim may soon be shown on him. And if that happens - if Mr. DJ is discovered for who he really is - he will simply fade away.


And that is exactly what happened. As soon as Tim quit listening to Mr. DJ , he ceased to exist. And it is the same for us. As soon as we quit letting the twisted voices rule our lives we will began to live. As soon as we shine the light of Truth on our silent intruders of darkness - they will fade into the nothingness that they are.


Their purpose is to try to convince us that we cannot live without their constant direction. When actually the exact opposite is true. We will not truly live with there deceiving direction. We will only be puppets with them pulling our strings.


What we need to do is see these puppeteers for what they are and cut the strings. Then and only then will we be truly free. Free to live the life that we are destined to live.


And how do we cut the puppet strings? First by seeing that they are they are pulling us in whatever direction that they choose. And then we need to Dispute their “safety” claims with the Truth. These voices claim that they give us power and control when the truth is that they dis-empower us and they have control.


Watch and listen for Mr. DJ. Once you discover him he will be doomed. He will make an occasional attempt at resurrection through the voices of frustration and discouragement but when he does just shine the light of Truth upon the tricks of his and they too will fade away.

http://www.joepanic.com

High Expectations

EXPECTATIONS




Cindy was in a tizzy. The sky was growing dark and it looked like rain. Luckily they had made it through their outdoors wedding without a sprinkle but the odds of the weather holding out for the reception were looking worse and worse with every passing minute.


People were already beginning to move from the wedding garden onto the beautifully decorated patio - with all of its brightly colored floral arrangements - were the reception was to be held. “oh if it starts to rain” Cindy thought, “the reception will be ruined .”


Suddenly, out of nowhere, Cindy’s sister Sandy came running towards her with a panicked look on her face. “Cindy, the band hasn’t arrived yet and the caterers have put shrimp in the salad.” “Didn’t you specifically instruct them not to serve shrimp?”


“Oh” Cindy cried, now visibly becoming upset, “Shrimp?” “We had this all worked out and the catering company assured me that there would be no shrimp”


Holding a cellular phone to his ear Roger, Cindy’s brother, chimed in “the band is stuck just outside of tow, about thirty miles from here.” “They have a flat tire and it looks like they aren't going to make it.” Suddenly it began to pour down rain.


“This is perfect, just perfect!” Cried Cindy through a veil of her own tears. “The most important day of my life and it is totally ruined!” “I can’t believe it.” “This is a complete and utter disaster!”



In this illustration it is quite obvious to see and feel Cindy’s distress. We have all at one time or another planned for an important event an hoped and prayed that nothing would go wrong. And if things did go really wrong we were probably at least a little disappointed.


But what is the real reason for Cindy’s disappointment? Is it that the band didn’t come. Surely in this day and age of modern technology some other means of music could be easily found. Was it the shrimp that caused Cindy’s distress? Probably not. It is really quite simple if you do not like shrimp to not eat them.


If it wasn’t the shrimp and it wasn’t the music then it must have been the rain. But everyone that I have ever heard of who has an outside wedding and an outdoors reception has a back up plan - in case of rain. I think it is reasonable to assume that Cindy, too, had a back up plan. So if it wasn’t the shrimp or the band or the rain that had Cindy so upset, then what exactly was it?





HELP, HOPE AND HAPPY ENDINGS



Expectations. Ridged, high expectations. What had Cindy so “out-of-sorts” about was her expectations. Cindy had painted the perfect beautiful picture in her mind of the exact way that she intended or expected her wedding day to go. Down to the very last “Shrimp” detail. She had replayed the mind-movie of her wedding day over and over again until she knew it by heart.


When that movie started to fall apart - in real life - Cindy, too, started to come apart. As soon as the perfect picture that she had painted in her imagination began to fade then all of her world began to lose its color and beauty. Cindy had rehearsed - in her mind - the script to this movie so many times that she recite it in her sleep. She knew just how she and her groom would dance to the bands music she even saw the people gazing at her and her new husband as they glided around the glorious patio stage.


She could hear in her mind the approving comments from her guests of how wonderful the food was and how cultured her tastes were in choosing the menu. Cindy had perfected this wedding day scenario so much that she could even see the correct angle of the sun shining through her and her grooms champagne glass as the celebrated their new marriage with a toast.


But suddenly and abruptly - her movie was torn apart. She was becoming stressed because she no longer knew how to react. She hadn’t rehearsed - in her mind - a wedding in the rain. Or a dance inside of a wedding hall to the sound of a CD instead of a live band. She hadn’t prepared for the possibility of the disapproving sounds of guests muttering under their breath about how she could expect to be a good bride when she cannot even plan a successful wedding.


Cindy's expectations had been shattered and all she could do now was sob and proclaim her wedding day ruined. “All of these things have ruined my day!” she would exclaim. Little did she know that these “things” - the band, the shrimp, and the rain had nothing to do with her day being ruined. It was her having become a prisoner to her own expectations that was having a ruining effect upon her wedding day.


She was stuck in her own self-scripted scenario. She couldn’t maneuver from her own movie. She had become imprisoned by her own picture, tied to her own tail - if you will.


Expectations. Cindy had tied all of her hopes and dreams for the day to her expectations. To things working out “just so”.


“Wait a minute. Aren’t you being a little hard an the poor girl. After all it rained on her parade.”


The only one being hard on Cindy is herself. And “it” didn’t rain on her parade, she rained on her own parade by being tied to a set of expectations that were impossible for her to control.


Imagine for a moment that same wedding, on the same day, with the exact same set of circumstances occurring - only this time Cindy has merely planned for the day. While - yes - she wants the sun to shine and the band to play while her guests eat a shrimp-less salad, she has not lived that exact scenario over and over in her mind.


This time when the skies grow dark and it looks like rain Cindy simply says “ I think it might start to rain. We’d better move the reception inside.” And when her shaken siblings arrive on the scene with news of “no band and salad shrimp” Cindy calmly and in good humor responds “ If the guests do not like shrimp in their salads then they can simply take them out and we shall all dance and celebrate to whatever music we can find. And if there is no recorded music then we shall all sing whatever songs we can think of. It shall be a glorious day.”


This new Cindy is not bothered by the unforeseen events of the day because she is not “tied” to any expectations.


“I think I get it now - “things” don’t bother us - only when our rock solid expectations are threatened do we become bothered. And since they are our own self-made expectations, then it is we who bother ourselves.”


Exactly. Get rid of your ridged and overly high expectations and you won’t become “bothered”.


“That sounds nice, but how do I get rid of my expectations?”


You have already started to get rid of your expectations by first becoming aware that you have them and that they are what is causing your distress. Becoming aware of your expectation thoughts is a form of cognitive awareness and becoming aware of those thoughts is half of the battle. You are half way there.


“I like the sound of that. Can you tell me more?”


Yes. Once you have become aware of those “expectation thoughts” you can then work on and at letting them go. Each time you catch yourself starting to paint too many pictures of a future event just stop, return to the present moment, and tell yourself that “though I may wish for these things to turn out in a particular way, I can be perfectly happy however future situations may unfold.”


In the same manner, if you find yourself becoming distressed while a life situation is unfolding in a way that you hadn’t expected just tell yourself “this isn’t the way that I had planned for this event to occur, but that’s OK. Everything will work out fine - it always does.”


We can learn this from our second “ Cindy.” When she became aware that her wedding day was taking new twists and turns she did not let it overcome her. She used that “turn of events” to watch something new, unique and possibly entertaining occur. Can you imagine a couple of hundred of wedding guests trying to think of and sing songs together. It could be a truly unique and memorable occasion.


Our second Cindy turned a potential negative into a positive. She had learned the art of “letting go”. Letting go of her preconceived expectations. She was not a prisoner to her minds “perfect pictures.” She was free to flow with the unfolding events of life. She was indeed truly free and destined for delight instead of despair.


Once you have mastered this new and exciting insight - you too, will be just like our second Cindy. Free to go with the flow. Free to fly.

http://www.joepanic.com

Panic prone personalities

WHY ME?


When I first discovered that I had “panic attack disorder” I was, surprisingly enough, relieved. Relieved to finally be able to put a name or a label onto what was happening to me. Being able to name it made me feel that there was at least some tangible thing that I could grab hold of and start dealing with. All I wanted was to feel better and I was willing to do almost anything to accomplish that desire. I just needed someone to tell me where to start. To show me the ropes. To lead the way home. I was willing to travel anywhere to find my long lost peace no matter how hard the journey.


But I still had some questions that I wanted answered. I had a “need” to know how this anxiety thing came into my life in the first place. I was curious. So I began digging. Here’s what I found.



PANIC PRONE PERSONALITIES


In my quest to find an answer the question “why me?” I began to uncover some interesting data. I discovered that there were a certain set of personality traits shared by people who suffer from anxiety disorders. Examine the following list. While many of these personality traits may not describe you, the more of them that do seem similar to your own personality traits, the more likely you are to being prone toward the possibility of panic or anxiety disorder. The list includes:


Perfectionism


Over-controling


People pleaser


Unrealistically high self expectations


Highly performance conscious


Highly sensitive


Highly creative


The “doer”


The “code” communicator


The health worrier


Radar



While this list is not by any means “all inclusive”, people with anxiety disorders tend to have one or many of these traits. Now let’s look at each one of these traits in greater depth.


Perfectionism.


Perfectionism is the tendency toward all-or-nothing thinking. To view your actions and the actions of others in absolutes. Right-or-wrong, black-or-white - with no room for shades of gray. Things are either done correctly or incorrectly. The perfectionist leaves little to no margin for error for himself and for the performance of others. Consequently, there is a great possibility for frustration in the perfectionists life as most of life falls short of being perfect. This personality trait also often uses the words should, must and ought too frequently. “I should have done this” or “He should have done it that way.”


Over-controling.


This is the person that needs to be in control of life’s situations and the events surrounding him or her. This person also needs to appear to be in control of themselves at all times and especially in front of other people. They will go to great lengths to insure that all the little ducks of their lives are lined up in a neat and tidy row. Because this person has become so skilled at acting in control of themselves they are sometimes hard to identify at first glance. This person is especially prone to anxiety because the need to be in control actually is rooted in the fear of losing control.


People pleaser.


While there is nothing inherently wrong and indeed a good deal right with wanting to please others, the anxiety prone person will please others at the expense of self. That is to say that this person will deny, hide, or suppress there own emotional needs in order to please another person. They often view this course of action as the only means of being accepted by another. They have an excessive need for approval from others.


Unrealistically high self-expectations


This personality trait goes hand in hand with perfectionism. This person will set incredibly high goals for them self and expect that they reach them. While the perfectionist will view “falling short” as a complete failure this person is apt to view falling short of their goals as “just” a failure. They tend to find themselves shrouded in frustration seldom being able to reach their lofty expectations of themselves.


Highly performance conscious


This person doesn’t necessarily have lofty goals or high self-expectations - they are, however, very self-conscious of their performance. Especially when their performance is viewed by others. They can be afraid of falling short either in their own eyes or in what they perceive to be the eyes of others.


Highly sensitive


There is a tendency in panic prone people to be highly sensitive to a wide variety of things. To physical sensations such as pain, hot and cold, taste, smells as well as emotional sensitivities such as personal criticism, guilt, worry, etc. They tend to be highly sensitive to the pains of others as well as in the extremely compassionate personality.


Highly creative


Since most anxiety and panic are caused by our thoughts, the person who is highly capable of creating elaborate mental pictures - or fully scripted stories in their minds eye - is far more susceptible to these kinds of disorders based on their ability to create. They have a tendency to fall into a “what if” kind of thought process. “What if “such and such” happens?” Their “gifted” creative ability enables them to fill in the blanks with a never ending supply of worry pictures.


The doer


This is the person you can always count on to “get the job done” and then some. They are highly capable and very competent to take charge of and lead an organization or project. They will tend to ignore their own physical needs such as sleep and diet in order to succeed in their endeavor.


The “code” communicator


A person who never really says what he or she means. More often than not this person will say what they think someone else wants to hear. This is due to not wanting to be rejected. This person may also have a difficult time saying “no” to another person. They often find themselves volunteering and doing things that they do not wish to be doing.


Health worriers


People who tend to analyze every little detail about their own physical health. They will become almost obsessive in their analyzation of their own illnesses. Those with this personality trait are the ones who seem to worry themselves sick. Sometimes the appear to actually be chronically ill with minor ailments.


Radar


This person can walk into the middle of any situation, know the roles of everyone, and know exactly how they must act to fit in. They have became experts at reading other peoples actions and at knowing how to respond to them.





It may be a good time to stop for a moment and with pen and paper write down as many of your own personality traits as you can which may be similar to some of the above. Try to be as honest with yourself as possible.





THE ROOTS


You may be wondering right about now “where did I get these personality traits that seem to make me susceptible to panic and anxiety?”


While there is no easy answer to this question and sometimes even many years of psychotherapy cannot unravel the mystery - there are some trends. Some clues. And while it is not necessary (or even possible) to learn the exact causes of your anxiety it can be very helpful in the healing process to have some general idea of the causes or the roots of your wound.


Notice that I have used the words “wound” and “healing”. This is because, barring any physical or genetic cause of panic disorder, you have most likely been wounded in your past (childhood) and never been given the opportunity to heal from those wounds. If you can begin to see where you have been wounded, you can begin to recover from those past wounds.


It is the causes of these wounds that we will now begin to explore. They are what are commonly referred to a “environmental toxins”- that is to say - the psychological “poisons” of the environment in which we are raised. The following list is excluding any chemical toxins that may have been uncovered by your physician.



CHILDHOOD ENVIRONMENTAL TOXINS



Psychological abuse


Sexual abuse


Physical abuse


Spiritual abuse


Alcoholism


Critical parent


Overprotective parent


Suppression of feelings (or denial of)


Rigidity in Rules and/or beliefs


Appearance Emphasis/ Performance Emphasis


Separation anxiety (or loss of loved one)


Panic parent


Role reversal (Child cares for parent)





Now let us examine each childhood experience in greater depth. (You may wish to jot down notes of your personal childhood experiences. When doing so try to be as honest with yourself as you can. The idea is to uncover the truth - not to invent any illusions.)



Psychological abuse
Psychological abuse is when one person causes another person to experience extreme mental suffering. Neglect, not fulfilling the emotional needs of a child, threats, constant criticism, abandonment, cruel punishments all fall into this category. Psychological abuse is also any attempt to impede the growth of a child's self-worth. It can include belittling, shaming and name-calling.


Sexual abuse


Any form of sexual contact in which someone is forced, coerced or threatened. Because of being threatened and forced this kind of abuse is also both physical and psychological.


Physical abuse


The result of physical abuse is an injury which is non-accidental in nature. This form of abuse often this includes being hit, pushed, beaten, burned, etc... It can also include forms of cruel punishment which are physical in nature. There is also a great psychological abuse that goes hand in hand with physical abuse. Trust is obliterated and threats are commonplace.


Spiritual abuse


Many religious systems (or churches) are spiritually abusive because they promote shameful or guilt feelings. Often their weapon of choice is fear. They can severely halt or impede the psycho-spiritual growth of their members. In these shame based systems any stepping outside of their belief system is not tolerated. This is also a form of psychological and emotional abuse.


Alcoholism


A family member - mother, father, sister, brother, close relative - who is an alcoholic can contribute significantly to the development of a personality trait that is susceptible to anxiety disorder. One reason may be that the alcoholic can easily be guilty of one or more of the negative influences (listed in this section) of your childhood. A person who is an alcoholic can often be the critical or abusive parent. They can neglect a child's needs or abandon the child for periods of time. In many cases the child has to assume the care giver role to the parent. Even when an older sister or brother living within a child's environment is an alcoholic there will be some level of dysfunctionalism in the environment which can have an adverse affect on the child's emotional development.


Critical parent


When adult behavior and adult expectations are placed on a child by a parent (often a perfectionist) and expressed in an excessive or repeatedly critical way it can emotionally scar the child. When the child reaches adulthood he or she can suffer from deeply internalized low self-esteem or low self-worth. This is a form of dis-empowerment that can lead to high susceptibility to anxiety disorders. Even continual criticizing in a joking or teasing manor can be harmful to a child.


Overprotective parent


Often a parent who is overprotective was a wounded child themself. An overprotective parent is actually trying to protect the child from harm because of the “parents” inability to cope with a negative event. The result of saying “ Johnny, be careful on that bike - you can get badly hurt if you fall” once or twice will not be disastrous. But if a child hears that as a pattern of communication over the course of many years he may become truly afraid that if he takes a risk, something very bad will happen to him.


Suppression of feelings


Often, in a perfectionist household or a family where there is great emphasis placed on appearance there are spoken or unspoken rules that say it is not OK to show your feelings. Messages like “Don’t be sad” , “Don’t cry”, “Don’t show someone too much affection”, “You’re being too emotional”, “Take it like a man”, “You’re acting like a baby” weather spoken or “coded” are damaging to an individual. Feelings are real and important. Discounting them or ignoring only leads to negative results.


Rigidity in rules and/or beliefs


The problem with a rigid set of rules or beliefs is that a child living within this structure can develop a pattern “all-or-nothing thinking.” A ridged rule system where there is no flexibility - no area for “shades of gray” - where everything is thought of in terms of black-or-white and right-or-wrong leaves little margin for error. Being a child is a process of trial and error - of taking risks and pushing parameters. This is how a child develops and grows and finds his or her own uniqueness. Ridged rule systems and ridged belief systems can severely stunt this growth and contribute to an adult-child’s being afraid of healthy risk-taking.


Appearance emphasis/performance emphasis


Again, many times it is the perfectionist parent who seeks there own perception of perfection from their child. They may want the child to look and act like a miniature adult. In school the may express great disappointment in their child if her performance falls anywhere short of perfection. These parents tend to label tolerable behaviors as either “good” or “bad”. (It is in the nature of a two year old to find out if she can get her own way by “throwing a tantrum”. This is not “bad” behavior. It is perfectly normal and healthy behavior. That is not to say that a parent should do nothing when these “tantrums’ arise. It does however mean that “tantrums” are not to be labeled as “bad” and that a two year old throwing a tantrum is not a “bad” child.)


Separation anxiety (Loss of loved one)


Divorce, death, a parent working all the time, or even a parent who is physically present but is separated from the emotional needs of the child can lead to separation anxiety. A child does not yet have the capability to fully understand why a parent is gone unless they are lovingly nurtured through the crisis.


Panic Parent


If a parent or guardian is anxious or experiences anxiety disorders it will make the child more prone to panic personality traits. In fact a parent with any personality disorder can make a child more susceptible to their own personality disorders.


Role reversal


A dysfunctional parent as in the case of an alcoholic or in the case of an adult who is chronically ill, the child may be forced to play the role of caretaker or parent because the parent has assumed the role of a child. The child will become the responsible one in the family system (thinking that someone has to keep the home safe and secure) and will be denied the step by step process of healthy psycho-emotional development. The child may be so afraid that things will fall apart if she does not somehow maintain control of the family situation, that a deeply embedded fear of losing control may develop.





Examine your childhood family system. Do any of these above characteristics sound familiar? If so which ones? Take some time and write down your own thoughts and feelings about each similarity that you may find.

http://www.joepanic.com

[stonetree]

I cant let this go without posting my stance because I disagree with many points above.


I especially oppose cognitive therapy because it is absolutely not sound.
The notion that our thoughts create our feelings is plain and simple false.
The autonomous nervous system comes first in every case, and that means that our thoughts are an effect of our feelings.
For example, if one is anxious, the mind automatically produces thoughts that symbolize that feeling. So to say the mind automatically provides thoughts that make the feeling conscious.

Feeling anxious is a physical thing, as all symptoms that are created by the autonomous nervous system are physical.

And the body does not understand language. That is, the body or autonomous nervous system does not understand the mind. The mind does understand the body, but the body doesnt understand the mind.

The body only understands realities. And thoughts are no realities because you can think whatever you want even if the reality looks totally different.
Realities are behaviours and other real stimulations, for example having a safe environment.

The basement of cognitive therapy is the attempt of suppressing and eradicating our feelings.
Our feelings, as I have already pointed out, create our thoughts, and changing that thoughts means to either oppose that feelings or to dodge the effects (thoughts) of the feelings. In every case, the feelings remain, if you think thoughts that match the feelings or if you make an effort to think something else.

Now since our feelings remain no matter what you think, it means that they will go on to produce thoughts. If the mind is not allowed to think the most obvious because you practice cognitive therapy, then it will think something that is even farer from the reality.

For example, the anxiety produces the thought 'im not safe anywhere'. This thought appears with the anxiety because, for example, the person is really anxious of having no safe place. One can see that the feeling (anxiety) automatically provides the right symbol (no safe place) to make the anxiety conscious.

Now if the person practices more 'realistic' thoughts like 'there are a lot of safe places' althought the anxiety tells something other, it means that the most obvious symbol is not at hand anymore. So the anxiety will produce another thought, for example 'a war could break out' which is a substitute for 'Im not safe'. Now if the substitute is addressed by implementing 'more realistic' thoughts, the anxiety might produce yet another substitute that would be for example 'our government is viscious' (because it has made war sometime).

We can clearly see that one simple human anxiety (Im not safe) has been protracted and now produces thoughts that are totally out of context, such as 'the government is viscious and against people'.
What has started with a human fear (that might be even rational because the person really has no safe place for them) has then developed in a pretty generalized fear of the government.

Anxiety and feelings in general can not be changed by thoughts.

All cognitive strategies attempt to eradicate anxiety (or flashbacks and other feelings). The aim is that the person is free from fear.
But only realities can 'convince' the nervous system that there is no reason to be afraid.
The nervous system only understands realities, it doesnt understand thoughts.
Practicing cognitive therapy means to ignore the nature of the illness.
Sweeping feelings under the rug by being 'more realistic' will never cure anything. It will only protract the illness and, in the long run, the person becomes more ill, not less.
Anxiety and all other so called 'negative' or 'irrational' feelings can only be addressed and eased through realities.

[pedagogue]

Wow....alot of good reading...I'll have to take some time and read through it.

As for stonetree's comments...I want to take the time to read through it and respond. I am rooted in CBT, but also see the value of other approaches, especially for specific disorders.

Hopefully i'll have some time this afternoon.

-pedagogue

I've worked through most of my fear and worked through most of my anxiety and worked through all the emotional pain. What I have left are these throught patterns that I've had to deal with. In my case now it is very important to change the way I think. I've left no stone unturned within me. I've remembered everything. Changing the way I think is helping me now. I've been able to eliminate a lot of my worry and a lot of my guilt by changing my thoughts.

I post a lot of information on this board and a lot of different approaches to healing. My entire healing was based in my faith in God, but it is unlikely that others would read it if I only posted scripture from the bible. I could sit and say that all these approaches are wrong because it doesn't fit in with the method I used in my healing, but what good would that do someone who doesn't share my beliefs.

It would be really helpful if you would share what is helping you instead of disagreeing with all the posts. That would benefit others the most. The writings above come from one person's experience and what brought him healing. It worked for him. There is no black and white in our healing process. My daughter healed through an entirely different process than I did. What she did wouldn't have helped me at all. I would have rejected the whole method she used in therapy. It worked for her though.

So please share your experience and share what is helping you. It would really benefit another person who needs to hear what you have to say.

[stonetree]

I agree that I might have been really negative here.

The problem is that I have tried actually all of the approaches to 'healing' and all have made my problems worse. So for me its not grey, it really is black. Im just frustrated. All the people with their wise ideas on how to get better only made it worse for me, be it counselling (abuse in my case), or cbt (manipulation). And I dont even want to talk about meds because that was the worst.

The only thing that worked for me is a real solution to the real problem.
For example, one has no safe place, get a safe place.
Or one has a stressful job, get a low stress job.
One needs to talk, get someone who can listen.
Or one is unable to work, get them a daily structure that they can manage.


Most cognitive approaches try to change the individual and not the situation.
I found out that given the right situation for a suffering individual will readjust the mind automatically.
For example if one has a stressful job most cognitive therapists will help the patient to learn stress managment. This is just trying to change the patient in order to adjust to the situation. I dont think thats very healthy.
Its not the individual that needs to be adjusted, its the situation and environment that needs to be addressed.

Thats what I meant when I said that the nervous system only understands realities. Given the right environment the mind will heal by itself.

I am well aware that this is the problem with most people. They just dont have the right healing circumstances. And they are too weak too change their situation themselves and noone helps them.
Instead everyone is busy to adjust them, be it cognitive/behavioral or counselling or meds or analysis and what not.

If one has a broken leg nobody would try to make the patient run and change. Everyone agrees that the leg must rest and you give it the right amount of rest. Once healed you can stress it again. You cannot work hard on healing it. You need to let it heal itself by providing the right circumstances in which healing is possibly.

Only in cases of mental illness people dont apply this simple healing principle.
Almost all approaches try to change the patient. I really have no clue where this principle stems from. It runs totally counter to an empathic and natural approach. Only in mental heath people seem to be eager to apply force to heal the illness. Thats not healing. Thats burying it deep so that noone can see it. Covering it up by meds or behavioural/cognitive modification only means to put it aside and as long as nobody sees it the patient might believe that it doesnt exist anymore. Thats not healing. Healing must be the opposite of adjusting oneself, healing is adjusting the outside to onesself so that it acts as a container for the mind to rebalance itself. Healing is always a process that happens by itself. Working hard to achieve what is called healing means only ignoring the problem.

The only health professionals that seem to represent the right healing principle are social workers. Social workers focus on the systems in the patients life, and illness is a result of systems that dont meet the needs of the patient. Illness is not the result of the patient not being able to meet the needs of their systems.

Psychology generally states that people that are neurotic( anxiety for example) are maladjusted and they believe that adjusting the patient means healing them.
They totally forget that its not the patient thats maladjusted, its the situation that is maladjusted because it doesnt meet the patients needs.