Survival Rules

Survival Rules in Families of Addictions and Trauma
How Do People Cope With Pain?
by Steven Earll, MA, MS, LPC, LAC

In biology class we were taught that when threatened, animals enter survival mode. The “fight or flight” response dictates an animal’s breathing, heart rate, adrenaline, and other body functions. Advanced biology and neurology classes explore these reactions in humans to an amazing degree. We are also aware of other survival rules that our bodies follow, such as constricting blood flow to the extremities in cold weather and burning off fat tissue when the body has gone without food for a period of time.

While these basic biological functions seem apparent enough, few of us understand or recognize that we also have ways to cope with threats to our mental, emotional, and spiritual health. These “survival rules” are often necessary for us to cope with traumatic situations that occur in our lives. Frequently these coping methods become habits and patterns that, if not reversed or resolved, can cause significant long-term harm to us.

Just as we would not expect our body to last long in the cold or without food, we cannot long survive when we depend on unhealthy survival rules. By exploring what these “rules” look like, we can start to recognize when we slip into them and work to counter their detrimental effects. Identifying and resolving the unhealthy survival rules that may have arisen in our lives is the key to achieving freedom from dysfunction and destructive patterns.

Trying to Get By
People who live in families that experience trauma and addictions endure a lifestyle of day-to-day survival. Pain, fighting, stressed relationships, abuse, isolation, and hopelessness are the emotional reality of family life. The family dysfunction and emotional stress become the “normal” way of living. To cope with the situation, individuals learn complex methods of survival. These methods of survival, in turn, lead to further personal and family dysfunction. In dysfunctional families common reactions to stress include:
Denial of trauma;
Avoidance of working through trauma issues;
Running from pain and grief emotions;
Not allowing resolution or healing of an issue or problem.
The first three reactions all involve a form of emotional escapism. Individuals and families that are more dysfunctional than healthy resist dealing with trauma. This denial process is very strong and is often accompanied by a strict belief system that does not acknowledge difficult issues. In other words, dysfunctional families believe that if a problem or trauma is not acknowledged, it will disappear.

Trauma within families produces powerful emotions such as anger and grief. Some people try to hide these emotions, creating repressed grief and passive aggressive responses. Others try to deny these emotions, but denial doesn’t always work.

Mood-changing chemicals or behaviors can become a part of an individual’s life to help kill the pain and assist the process of denial. Chemicals include the use of alcohol, drugs, or food to quiet the mind. Behaviors that alter emotions include relationships, sexual, and money addictions, plus compulsive exercising and over-working. These behaviors provide distractions from the grief and pain created by trauma.

Long before addictions begin, people develop certain survival rules to help them cope with pain. In her book on children of alcoholics, It Will Never Happen To Me, Claudia Black identifies three of the main survival rules of families of trauma: “Don’t Trust,” “Don’t Feel,” and “Don’t Talk.” I add a fourth survival rule: “Control and Manipulate Relationships.”

These rules become a person’s method for dealing with troubled relationships in their families and with the rest of the world. Even though most people hide these rules deep in their subconscious mind, they continue to have a destructive effect on all intimate relationships. For anyone looking to be free from survival dysfunction, each of these rules must be recognized, understood, confronted, and changed.

Don’t Trust

Mark struggles with jealousy in his marriage. He is constantly questioning his wife about what she does with her time and whom she has seen socially. When out in public he often feels inadequate compared to other men. Mark wrestles with deep issues of trust concerning his wife and self-confidence.
Trust is one of the most important aspects of any relationship. The issue of whether we trust or don’t trust others is a part of the first stage of child development. Erik Erikson, a pioneer in developmental psychology, presented an eight-stage theory of human development in his book, Childhood and Society. The first stage of development, covering birth to one year, is referred to as the “Trust versus Mistrust” stage.

Erikson suggests that from early care giving, infants learn about basic safety and trustworthiness from their family and the environment. If parents are consistent with their care and responses to the baby’s needs, then the infant perceives the world as a secure environment that is worthy of his or her trust. If the infant grows up in a family where the responses to his needs are inconsistent, painful, full of stress, and threatening, then he learns that the world is an unsafe place that cannot be trusted.

The ability to trust or not trust isn’t determined solely in infancy, though. As children grow and become more aware of their world, trust continues to be won or lost. In families of trauma, the issue of trust is decided by how children related to their parents. Were the parents consistently present? How did their parents respond to needs? Were they loved and accepted by them?

If parents were responsive in a consistent and caring manner, then children would learn to trust their parents and approach the world with an attitude of trust. However, if they were not accepted, if their parents were not consistent, if they were often under a lot of stress, if they were absent, or if they were treated in an harsh manner, then children are more likely to learn to distrust their parents. If a person cannot trust his or her parents, then no other adult is worthy of trust. This inability to trust has devastating consequences for all future relationships.

If a person does not “unlearn” the survival rule of “Don’t Trust,” then mistrust becomes a major issue in every important relationship. Trust is not an emotion that a person has or does not have. Think of trust in terms of percentages. For people who grew up with family trauma, they will take a long time to develop a high percentage of trust even with someone they love. Even then, this trust is vulnerable to any mistake. One error or violation can have a devastating effect on trust percentages. The “Don’t Trust” rule can mean one strike and the person is “out.”

The issue of trust also has strong spiritual implications. Parents are important spiritual figures in a child’s development. They give life, provide for needs, train, and teach them. Parents are a reflection of God. If a person cannot trust his or her parents, they will have a more difficult time trusting God and will see Him as inconsistent, uncaring, and critical. This understanding of God will leave an even larger void in a person’s life, resulting in even greater efforts to fill it, often furthering a destructive of addictive cycle.

Don’t Feel

Many people become adept at repressing their emotions. From outward appearances, Emily seems to be a happy and open parent. However, when it comes to situations involving her children and emotional hurt, she often tells them to quit crying and toughen up. Emily learned to repress her emotions so she could survive her abusive mother. She is now trying to teach her children these same protective “skills.”
Everyone has emotions, but in families of trauma, to feel is to be vulnerable. Vulnerability is perceived as the cause of emotional pain and so people avoid it at all costs. The “Don’t Feel” rule includes survival behaviors that help a person avoid feelings. Behaviors include repressing emotions, trying to forget pain, blaming others for our feelings, denial, and trying to change how we feel.

Families of addictions and other trauma will often try to control the few emotions that are allowed. For some people anger is acceptable and yet others in the family are not allowed to express it. Crying in response to a painful conflict is often criticized and repressed by other family members. There are families where expressions of grief are not allowed. A family that does not tolerate respectful and honest expressions of emotions is a family that is not safe.

It is important to understand that anger, crying, grief, and other “negative” emotions are natural responses to trauma. Although many families of trauma do not allow such emotions to be displayed, only when individuals are safely allowed to express such internal feelings will health and healing begin.

As a result of family experiences, individuals create their own rules for emotional control. For some people anger is frightening; instead of acting “angry,” they act “hurt.” For others, the feelings of being scared or hurt are replaced by anger and rage. Important relationships are harmed when people are not appropriate and honest with their emotions.

The “Don’t Feel” rule leads to a growing army of repressed emotions. These emotions can contribute to experiences of being overwhelmed, anxious, easily angered, and depressed. As these emotions build, people become increasingly vulnerable to addictions that are often used to temporarily quiet repressed feelings.

Don’t Talk

Joy grew up with the motto that states, “If you cannot say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.” In her marriage, conflicts fester and are not resolved because it would involve having unkind or angry words. Joy lives with the hope that if a problem is not talked about, then it will either resolve itself or disappear. This false hope is the essence of the “Don’t Talk” survival rule.
The “Don’t Talk” survival rule does not mean people don’t communicate. It means they do not speak the truth about the real and significant individual and relationship issues. They hide the problems or gloss over any subject that may create conflict. Above all, they don’t talk about personal needs or solving problems. If an issue is not mentioned, the family perceives the issue as being resolved.

When the “Don’t Talk” survival rule becomes a part of a person’s approach to life they fail to develop problem solving and conflict resolution skills. Instead, these are replaced by a belief that problems should not be a part of a healthy relationship. When conflict issues arise, they are often treated as a problem with the relationship rather than a problem to be resolved. It becomes easier to blame each other than work through the difficulty. The problem still exists, however, and will continue to gnaw at a person until resolved.

When issues are not resolved then they are repressed. These repressed emotions lead to frustration, anger, depression, and resentments. They also impair the person’s ability to cope with new issues of relationship and life stress. This opens the door for addictive behaviors that relieve the building anxiety in life that results from not coping with problems.

Control and Manipulate Relationships

Seth knew at a young age that it was futile to talk back to his father. Any attempt at protest or negotiation would be shouted down. Seth developed a strategy to circumvent his father’s demands Rather than fight dad’s control, he would agree with his father’s requests and then go off and do whatever he wanted to do. Seth had learned passive controlling behavior to handle his father’s anger.
Everyone has relationship needs. The survival rules of “Don’t Trust,” “Don’t Feel,” and “Don’t Talk” sabotage healthy relationships. People from families of addictions and other trauma also learn how to control and manipulate others to meet their relationship needs.

There are two main categories of relationship control: One is an active “in your face” approach to control and the second is a more passive, guerrilla warfare control. Active control includes rage, anger, yelling, making threats, nagging, withholding of affection, and long-term silence or withdrawal. Passive control is many times used in response to active control. The internal dialog of passive control states, “I will act as if I agree with you, but I will do whatever I chose to do.”

Individuals commonly use both active and passive control techniques to satisfy relationship needs. However, when one person manipulates another, neither person trusts the results. If a spouse “pouts” to get attention and affection, the response will not be fulfilling. The person pouting cannot accept the love because the method used was not honest. The spouse that responds realizes that they have been “conned” and as a result loses trust in the relationship.

Control and manipulation deteriorates into relationships that are based on a power struggle. One person is the perpetrator and holds the power while the other becomes the victim. The balance of power often shifts as each person strives for control. Instead of intimacy, the reality of relationship for many people is a struggle between being strong and being a victim.

Conclusion
Relationship health and dysfunction can be measured by the need for and the intensity of survival rules. The degree to which control is an issue is the degree that the relationship is in trouble. As trust breaks down, then emotions are not shared. If healthy expressions of feelings are not allowed, then conflicts will not be resolved. Unresolved conflicts fuel a need to be in control. Personal health requires a concerted effort to identify and eliminate the survival rules that we use in relationships.

People often avoid working through their survival rules for fear of dredging up unwanted memories, pain, and emotions. Others try to convince themselves that everything is under control or that it really isn’t that important. For some, finances or life situations prevent them from getting the help and healing they need. Yet, until a person is ready to confront the brokenness in his or her life, the chances of achieving lasting freedom and healing remain slim.


Steve Earll is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a Licensed Addictions Counselor in private practice specializing in family trauma, addictions, co-dependency, and recovery issues in Colorado Springs, Colorado. Steve has conducted training with therapists, educators, and churches concerning issues of addictions and family trauma in the United States, Canada, Europe, and the Mid-East.

[Tapery]

Originally Posted by Morning Glory

Survival Rules in Families of Addictions and Trauma
How Do People Cope With Pain?
by Steven Earll, MA, MS, LPC, LAC

...when one person manipulates another, neither person trusts the results.

Thank you MG. I found this article very helpful. I was particularly interested in the author’s comments about manipulation. Manipulation can produce results but he talks about the quality of the results. When it matters it matters.

[pedagogue]

Thanks MG!!

I'm trying to get better accustomed to this forum, and this article was a great start!

-pedagogue

[Evanna]

Well that made for uncomfortable reading!

[Here4Him]

Wow.
I saw some uncomfortable truths in this article!!
Thanks for posting it.