Still Have Thin Skin

[Don W]

I don't have much time tonight but, will check in during day Tuesday. I am taking a day off to go to extra counseling sessions. I try to let things roll off but, sometimes the mean things are difficult. Friay night, my wife and I had words. It was about bills. I'm taking care of them but, sometimes she worries like when I was drinking. I can understand that, and know it will take time before she can learn to depend on me. How ever, she made a comment in anger that really hurt. I've tried to let it go, or at least till I can answer, not out of anger. I didn't understand something she said. I also have bad hearing from Vietnam. Anyways, She said " Maybe your father was right and you are stupid." I've spent years with that over my head. Knowing your not stupid and feeling your not stupid is a thin line for me. Hope you understand. I've talked about this and the abuse in past. When she said that I had to leave and sleep in other room. I couldn't even take a breath for a moment. Am I being to thined skin? When I was drinking we often talked about our not being able to fight fair. We would dig up every little thing about ex-husband and wife. Worse, I've been trying to drop some weight but, was so upset that I stuffed myself all weekend. It was like I ate instead of drank. Then that thought of " what is the use" came to my head. This sounds stupid but, I don't want to tell her how much it hurt. I know she'll feel bad and I don't want to hurt her. What a difference, before I would have fired back some hurtful thing. Anyway, I'm not sure what to do but, feel better talking about it. Don W

[Morning Glory]

Don,

I'm sorry you were hurt. I think when something like this happens it's the trigger that hurts more than what your wife said. I think in your heart you know your wife didn't mean what she said. Recovery will take time for you and for your wife. There will be times when you both revert back to old patterns. It hasn't been that long.

I've found that triggers end up working in my favor. The triggers dig deep and reach the roots of the problem. When I go through something that triggers me I try to move on to acceptance that it is just what I needed. Most of my healings have come after a series of extreme triggers.

You're doing great and I'm really proud of you.

Hugs,
MG

[indigo]

Don I am sorry for your hurt, keep remembering what a wonderful person you are and how far you have come.

hugs indigo

[Don W]

Morning Glory and Indigo, Thanks your encouragement helps. My wife and I talked about it. She was sorry for saying the things she did. She explained that sometimes reverting to past behavior is automatic. I can relate to that. I agree about that some triggers are good to come out, MG. This came out and we were able to deal with it.
I used it to trigger a better relationship, not to drink or give up as in the past. The best part was I didn't come back with a nasty remark. Only she had to say, " I'm sorry." Like you said, it hasn't been that long compared to the drinking time. I have to remember that it is a family illness and family recovery. Just because I'm getting better others might not be at the same place in recovery. Don W

[grmad]

thin skinned and grandiose...this is a term used in our recovery group a while back and I wonder if anyone is familiar with it and what it means to you.
Thanks Dorothy

[historyteach]

Welcome to SR and the anxiety forum, grmad!
It might be best to start your own thread.
You put your post on a thread that's three years old! LOL!
It may not get very many responses as a result, I'm sorry to say.
Just go to the forum, and click on the "new thread" button.
A new screen will pop up and you'll be all set to go.
I look forward to meeting you.

Shalom!

[londonvanpelt]

What your wife did is considered verbal abuse. An emotionally healthy person would say, "I feel scared being so vulnerable to trust again". Of course, things are going to be unhealthy until there is a considerable amount of recovery for both of you. - Just my opinion. You're keeping your side of the street clean by not reacting. That is wonderful progress! You're being the BEST YOU regardless of what others say and do. HURT PEOPLE HURT PEOPLE. You're doing awesome!