Victum Cycle

[Don W]

Today at my VA Hospital meeting I was talking about my state of mind the last month. I explained to my counselor and the others that I've been working on my PTSD. Some of them pointed out that it was OK to make myself a victum but, I should keep myself as a victum. I've been thinking about what they said and this is what I've come up with. Have any of you had or have this problem? I went from years of blaming myself for the sexual and physical abuse to accepting that I was a victum. I'm not sure about any addictions you might have but, my alcoholism was like a cycle. As long as I drank the cycle would repeat and repeat. I would drink, then the guilt feeling, then the fighting, then the make up roses or candy, then the fight, and back out drinking. By keeping myself as a victum, I am also locked in a different cycle. I feel shame, then I feel guilt, then I feel the victum and
sad, then the anger which I can't direct at the abusers, I then direct it at others and myself. This cycle keeps repeating and repeating. My counselor has suggest that I take the next step and make myself a survivor. She understands that it will be painful but, she wants me to do the counseling I've been avoiding. She feels my progress is at the point I'm ready for it.
Like the alcohol was my comfort zone, being a victum can also become a comfort zone. At the start of my recovery there was sympathy and support concerning my recovery. The gloves were on and people watched to be sure they didn't upset me. Now 23 months ( March 14th) the gloves are off. The time to move on was here. I think that time for the victum to survivor point is also here. We've talked about our minds protecting us. Well, there could be a part of my mind trying to protect me from the hurt from one on one counseling. I need to move out of the comfort zone and teach my mind that this hurt will be temporary. The only way I can think to discribe it is, My mind thinks it was permanitly injured, when in fact, although long term because of new treatment and understanding, my brain can heal. I've decided become that teacher, by becoming a survivor not only physically but, mentally. I hope this makes sense and can help others. What do you think? Don W

What is the difference between a victim and survivor to you Don? I just posted some things somewhere. I'll go find it and post some highlights here.

I'm also curious about what new hurts survivor counseling would bring up? I'm just trying to understand what you mean. I think you've done some pretty hard things already and your efforts are really amazing.

Hugs,
MG

[Don W]

Morning Glory, I believe being a survivor is seeking treatment and taking the power back from the abusers. You and others have also mentioned it. Also, there are still things locked up inside. I still have memories being triggered. Example, one of the Veterans came to the meeting with a cane. Right away my mind pulled up the file on being hit with a cane. My father had surgery and needed a cane to get around. This of course became the weapon of choice. Being slowed down he could hook you the beat you. I've seen thousands of people with canes working in a hospital. First time it triggered that memory. I'm not sure but, like learning to live in recovery from alcohol with AA, the one on one counseling will help live with these memoeries. They'll never go away but, I might be able to move them to a seldom used file. About 10 or 12 years ago I did some one on one counseling on the abuse. The problem was I'd seek relief from alchol when difficult stuff was talked about. I decided that it was causing me to drink so I stopped. To tell the truth I'm not sure what to expect. However, I trust my VA counselor and she thinks it's right time. Plus, I've heard you and others talk about one on one help. The group and counselor help with the Vietnam stuff but,
abuse is going untreated other than on SR. Thanks, Don W

I think that sounds good Don.

I can understand wanting to drink when those painful memories come up. Do you feel that you have other new strong coping methods in place to handle the memories? Maybe you could work on that first in your new counseling sessions. That may make you feel more secure about working on the harder issues.

[Don W]

Thanks Morning Glory, I have faith in the fact that I have build my recovery on a solid foundation. I have also set up from the begining strong support. However, to prevent problems I've set up roadblocks to keep from turning back. Because I have been open and honest with the supporters I can't get away with trying to fool them. I exposed many of my lies and tricks I used to drink before. I feel there will be two key thoughts to keep focused. Some of your posts the last week or so have helped. I need to focus on progress and not being cured. Also, I need to understand the process. Having made mistakes before I, I can learn from them. the biggest one I fell for was identifing pain and set backs as failure or that I wasn't working hard enough. I remember many times you and others posting about having to step back to move forward. This weekend, I'm going to pray for guidence in finding someone to talk to.
I already feel that this is the path that God has directed me in. However, he wants me to start having faith in myself also. They can't hurt me anymore, and I will deal with the memories, and together we'll move on. I have to tell you. I have such a positive outlook on this new journey, for I'm at the end of it. Myself, I know now, is the bulls eye. Don W

I'm glad Don. It's hard to separate ourselves from what's happened to us. I had a big breakthrough with that on my last thread here. I feel so much better now. We are not what happened to us. We can separate ourselves from that shame. It just doesn't belong to us.

I've been repeating that to myself this month. I am not what happened to me. I am not the secret. I am not the shame. I am not the problem. The secret, shame, and problem were things outside of myself.

[Don W]

Morning Glory, The breakthrough sounds like a positive step in your recovery. Self talk and repeating it gets so tiresome at times. However, we must answer the voice of
self judgement. I think the unjustified shame hurts me the most. The hardest part and strangest part is it is many times self inflected. Like you said, trying to get the interlectual part of us and the emotional part on the same page is the difficult part.
The part that is hard to remember is those moments in recovery that they are on the same page. I've read it in your posts, my own and others. The moments of success
that go almost un-noticed due to the weight of the negitive. There will be a day that the scale will even out and go in our favor. Don W

This is what was keeping me stuck. I always had to keep everything a secret so I started feeling like I was the secret. I was keeping myself a secret. It just really hit me. I'm not the secret. You can't make me the secret anymore and I'm not going to carry the shame of all the secrets anymore. I'm not going to take the blame for all the secrets anymore.

It's hard enough just to own our own mistakes and work through our own remorse. I'm not going to carry it for anyone else anymore. They need to keep what belongs to them. I'm giving it back. It's their secret, not mine. I'm not keeping their secret anymore. When I keep their secret I keep their shame and guilt. I don't mean I have to tell everyone about it, but when I hold onto it then I feel that everyone in the world sees me through that deep and dark ugly secret and then I feel shame just by someone looking at me.

It's not my secret.

Hugs